Dilemma

[Vagrant Legacy]

Hey,

I'm really not sure if I should be writing this in the first place, but this is eating me up, and I need some kind of feedback on it.. I'll keep it short though.
I have not had any contact with my mother for quite some time, and without going into too much details, let's just say we haven't gotten along since I was very little. A couple of days ago I was informed by my brother that she is now in a hospital. Apparently in the time that neither me nor my brother had contact with her, she has broken down mentally, was admitted to an institution, and is now in the hospital - completely unresponsive. My brother has visited her, and stated that she has become little more than an empty shell, cramped up muscles, only responds to sound by looking in that direction, and then fading away again, and often hysterically laughing/crying in herself.
I dread the thought of having to go there, but is it wrong of me to rather stick to the memories I had of her when she could still be considered human, than to go over there and see her in the state she is in now?

 

[silver birch leaves]

Being you, I'd go and see her no matter how painful it is. However, I wouldn't blame you if you decide not to visit her.

 

[Sci-Fi]

It's understandable, but you should go this is your mother. Not a grandparent where you'd want to hang on to the memories of when they were well. It would probably do you both a great amount of good. I had an Aunt that didn't have the best relationship with her father, but when my grandfather became ill she put all of that aside and went to see him. It meant the world to him that they were able put all the bad behind them.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Is she catatonic?

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

Is she catatonic?

Not much is certain, but from what I've gathered she seems to be catatonic, yes.

 

[Ak5]

Go see her. She's your mother, I think it's better for you to see her, no matter how many problems both of you had. Someday her time will come, it's better for you to see her and have no regrets.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

AK5, I'd like to think that way as well.. but there's no indication that she would even notice me being there, should I choose to go.

 

[Ak5]

Again, it's better for you to be there, so there is no regrets. Whenever she goes, and your not there, you might be regretful, and you're never going to be able to fix that regret.

Better safe than sorry in my opinion. If you don't want to go, then don't. Just be sure you're going to be able to live with that thought for the rest of your life.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You might think she doesn't know you are there but she will. Just talk to her about whatever, the sound of your voice will let her know. My brother's boss had to put his wife in a nursing home, there were times she was just so out in her own world. But the days she was coherent she would mention about people coming to visit her. The nurses even told him that after he left sometimes she's mention that her husband was just there.

 

[annik]

I really can't imagine what that must be like for you. My ex was in a similar situation I guess. His mother left when he was young and they didn't hear a thing until they too were told she was in hospital. While still deciding if it was best to go or not she died. I'm not sure if I'd say he regretted not going, its a strange situation I guess. But there was an emptiness. I think thats what you've got to ask yourself though. As hard as it would be to go how would you feel if you never got the chance again.

 

[beans]

It would probably help you heal if you went to see her.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

For me it's not so much a question of whether I could live with myself if I didn't go - I know I could. The problem lies in the fact that we've been on very, very bad terms over the past 8 years. There's this whole concept of "she's still your mother", but over the course of our lives we've caused each other a lot of pain - I simply don't know if she'd even WANT to see me, assuming that she would notice anything of my presence to begin with...

 

[annik]

Yes it must be a difficult situation. I kind of feel bad I commented now because I'm sort of in the dark as to what help I could offer. It really does sound like something that ultimately only you will be able to decide about. No help of course.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

I know Annik.. I'm painfully aware that ultimately this is up to me, but merely reading what others think about the matters helps for me. Don't feel bad about commenting though, every opinion is welcome

 

[Sci-Fi]

Please go see her, put all of the pain aside. Just take the high road and do it, obviously even with all this pain you do still care about her or else you wouldn't have made this thread. Even if she doesn't acknowledge you or seems to not want you there, at least you have the comfort in knowing you were able to put the past aside and be a bigger person.

Don't know much about your mother and your past but I'll share this with you. My mom didn't have a very good relationship with her mother either, there was A LOT of pain and bad feelings. When my grandparents broke up my grandmother blamed my mom for it, don't know why, maybe because she was the oldest and wasn't living at home anymore. There were some bad things done and said. When my mom had my brother and I she always took us to see our grandmother, she wasn't going to deprive us of that. We eventually had to put my grandmother in a nursing home, and when her health started to come and go my mom would go see her on her own. My grandmother apologized for what she did in the past. Even when my grandmother was in her own world my om would still go see her and sit with her.

So go see your mother, maybe she'll get better, maybe she won't, but you don't want to look back and regret not doing it.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

I just found out I wasn't even allowed to be informed of this at all... not just as per the protocol of the facility she visited, but apparently she herself wished that I would not be informed of this at all... it sounded like she didn't want me to see her in a state like this.
I know going there would utterly destroy me, and might put a serious dent in how well my study is going right now. I just don't know, I'm lost at the moment.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Oh wow, I'm sorry. That is a dilemma now. With that information the outcome could be good or bad. She might get upset that people went against her wishes, then again she could be happy they did. It would have almost been better if no one did tell you, but then that would be wrong too seeing as how she is your mother. You're going to need a mediator in this. Someone who can go to your mom and tell her that you were told, and that you would like to see her if you decide to, and take it from there.

So sorry to hear that, it's gotta be hard to find that out. I'll offer a bro hug if that will make you feel better.