I am at a crucial point in my life when I could possibly loose one of my best friends. I really need advice. So me and Chuck (I changed the name to protect his identity) were friends for many years, and he was one of my closest friends. He has anger management problems and he knows it. He got angry out of proportion many times before, but it never got out of hand this badly. Once I said something that angered him and he hit me in the shoulder. I was upset with him. He had some conflicts with his girlfriend then, and I told him that if he ever hit her, I would stop hanging out with him. Well he did, and now I'm torn about what to do.
Here's what happened: We were at a bar watching a sports game and having a few beers. I made some comments about his team that got him angry (and he gets especially riled up when it comes to sports). His girlfriend politely told him to calm down which pissed him off even worse, and he started calling me and his girlfriend names and told us to shut up. After a little while she got up from the table and went home, telling him she's breaking up with him. Then he went to her place, pushed her on the bed, after which she punched him in the mouth out of fear, and then he hit her. Then he left. This scared her enough to be concerned for her safety even several days after the incident.
What should I do? I'm torn here between being angry at what I consider to be unacceptable behavior and wanting to help my friend who is in need.
1) Do I stop talking to him? Tell him that I'm so mad at him for what he did that I don't want to be friends anymore.
2) Do I forgive him and remain friends? Be supportive and non-judgmental like real friends are supposed to do?
3) Do I tell him that unless he accepts responsibility for his actions, I won't associate with him? Tell him to seek professional help for anger management and show that he genuinely feels remorse for what he did.
4) Some other option.
Currently I'm at option 3. I think that what he did--using of physical force against a defenseless woman--is totally unacceptable. I don't think he realizes just how wrong what he did was. I don't think he really accepted responsibility for what he did. Although I can also sympathize with his situation, he is going through a difficult time in his life, so he was especially "on edge" then and is now.
I'm starting to doubt this approach though, because the last time I talked to him (using option 3), he said that he felt like he was being harshly judged and that my asking of him to do all those things as a condition to keeping our friendship is totally out of line. Am I being too harsh on him? Are my expectations too idealistic? Should I be understanding and be a supportive friend for him now, when he is going through a hard time? I'm going to talk to him again tomorrow, so I really want to know what everyone thinks. This is very important to me and I would really appreciate any advice.
Here's what happened: We were at a bar watching a sports game and having a few beers. I made some comments about his team that got him angry (and he gets especially riled up when it comes to sports). His girlfriend politely told him to calm down which pissed him off even worse, and he started calling me and his girlfriend names and told us to shut up. After a little while she got up from the table and went home, telling him she's breaking up with him. Then he went to her place, pushed her on the bed, after which she punched him in the mouth out of fear, and then he hit her. Then he left. This scared her enough to be concerned for her safety even several days after the incident.
What should I do? I'm torn here between being angry at what I consider to be unacceptable behavior and wanting to help my friend who is in need.
1) Do I stop talking to him? Tell him that I'm so mad at him for what he did that I don't want to be friends anymore.
2) Do I forgive him and remain friends? Be supportive and non-judgmental like real friends are supposed to do?
3) Do I tell him that unless he accepts responsibility for his actions, I won't associate with him? Tell him to seek professional help for anger management and show that he genuinely feels remorse for what he did.
4) Some other option.
Currently I'm at option 3. I think that what he did--using of physical force against a defenseless woman--is totally unacceptable. I don't think he realizes just how wrong what he did was. I don't think he really accepted responsibility for what he did. Although I can also sympathize with his situation, he is going through a difficult time in his life, so he was especially "on edge" then and is now.
I'm starting to doubt this approach though, because the last time I talked to him (using option 3), he said that he felt like he was being harshly judged and that my asking of him to do all those things as a condition to keeping our friendship is totally out of line. Am I being too harsh on him? Are my expectations too idealistic? Should I be understanding and be a supportive friend for him now, when he is going through a hard time? I'm going to talk to him again tomorrow, so I really want to know what everyone thinks. This is very important to me and I would really appreciate any advice.