Do I stay friends or walk away?

[Wrath]

I am at a crucial point in my life when I could possibly loose one of my best friends. I really need advice. So me and Chuck (I changed the name to protect his identity) were friends for many years, and he was one of my closest friends. He has anger management problems and he knows it. He got angry out of proportion many times before, but it never got out of hand this badly. Once I said something that angered him and he hit me in the shoulder. I was upset with him. He had some conflicts with his girlfriend then, and I told him that if he ever hit her, I would stop hanging out with him. Well he did, and now I'm torn about what to do.

Here's what happened: We were at a bar watching a sports game and having a few beers. I made some comments about his team that got him angry (and he gets especially riled up when it comes to sports). His girlfriend politely told him to calm down which pissed him off even worse, and he started calling me and his girlfriend names and told us to shut up. After a little while she got up from the table and went home, telling him she's breaking up with him. Then he went to her place, pushed her on the bed, after which she punched him in the mouth out of fear, and then he hit her. Then he left. This scared her enough to be concerned for her safety even several days after the incident.

What should I do? I'm torn here between being angry at what I consider to be unacceptable behavior and wanting to help my friend who is in need.
1) Do I stop talking to him? Tell him that I'm so mad at him for what he did that I don't want to be friends anymore.
2) Do I forgive him and remain friends? Be supportive and non-judgmental like real friends are supposed to do?
3) Do I tell him that unless he accepts responsibility for his actions, I won't associate with him? Tell him to seek professional help for anger management and show that he genuinely feels remorse for what he did.
4) Some other option.

Currently I'm at option 3. I think that what he did--using of physical force against a defenseless woman--is totally unacceptable. I don't think he realizes just how wrong what he did was. I don't think he really accepted responsibility for what he did. Although I can also sympathize with his situation, he is going through a difficult time in his life, so he was especially "on edge" then and is now.

I'm starting to doubt this approach though, because the last time I talked to him (using option 3), he said that he felt like he was being harshly judged and that my asking of him to do all those things as a condition to keeping our friendship is totally out of line. Am I being too harsh on him? Are my expectations too idealistic? Should I be understanding and be a supportive friend for him now, when he is going through a hard time? I'm going to talk to him again tomorrow, so I really want to know what everyone thinks. This is very important to me and I would really appreciate any advice.

 

[NOAH_FX]

I wouldn't be able to be friends with a guy like that... I would tell him listen, I'm not giving you ultimatiums.. I just can't be friends with someone who feels the need to hit women when they get angry... How old is he now? I assure you he's going to have a history of spousal abuse if he dosent seek help.. If this happens when he drinks.. He shouldn't drink, end of story. Had this girl been a friend of mine, he would be alot worse off than having people mad at him... It's unacceptable, end of story.. Sorry if i wans't much help... Thats a tender subject.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, as a girlfriend or a friend, I wouldn't want to be around someone like that. That's insane. I shouldn't have to watch what I say because it might piss him off. That's no way to live. I'd tell him to get some serious professional help before I cared to be around him anymore. If his anger is more important than you or his girlfriend, then that's his decision. But no one else should have to put up with it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Errr...you're trying to figure out and make sense of things when someone gets really drunk
and make an ass out of themselve.

Somewhere alone the line youre going to have to figure out ...that it's not you. It's him.
The part that you'rre playing in it, is you're truning all of the bullshit against yourself.
Becuase most drunks are A type personalities, over baring and agressive...
which make people feels inteminated to be around some people when they get drunk.
It's not new...we all know some people get violent when they're drunk. Alcohol effect alot of people like this.

Your friend probably can't remember half of the honeysuckle that he said and did.
If he did..he would right out deny it or trun the table around.

Catch him when he's sober. Communicate to him clearly.
That you wish not to be treated like the way he treats you...wheather he's drunk or sober.
If he can't control himself or starts acting like a retard..then he might consider not drinking or getting
totally wasted to make an ass of himself. You can't change him...never the less. You should state clearly
to him what is acceptiable or not acceptiable to you...Abuse is non-acceptiable to me.
Or esstablish a boundary. Or don't take him so **** serious when he's messed up out of his fucken mind.
State clarely that his abussive actions or behavior is not accpetiable to you.
Saperate his actions and behaviors for him...In this way he won't feel like he's being attacked. He will also relized that
he can alter or change his actions and behaviors.

You can still love him as a person...from a distance.
In other words don't be around him when he is being a gardenia.

 

[edgecrusher]

thats a tough one. if he is a good friend then it would suck to just end it. although guys mistreating women in any way is kind of one of my buttons so if i was actually in a situation like that i might act differentely than how i voted. i would ask him to seek anger management help and if he is unwilling to or says he will but then doesnt acutally do it then it might be time to drop him.

 

[andrew732]

#1 is too drastic if you truly value your friendship, which it sounds like you do. (Hopefully there are a lot of good qualities that this guy has that you're not really telling us about?) #2 is not drastic enough for this type of clearly unacceptable behavior. #3 then stands out as the most reasonable choice from what I can see.