Do you have a fear of being single for the rest of your life?

[tone303]

To the young people: you really cannot know how it goes, if you put yourself out there it is much more possible that you won't be single.

As all the fearful things, when it happens it's not so bad as one expects, and in any case 40 is the new 30

Love this

sure, its a lovely thing to say, but it doesnt not account for a person who has met hundreds of women (or men) on or offline, out at a place or at a site, any method, any time, different types, over a decade or decades, gone out alone over a thousand times or used 30 to 40 social sites.

that would then be a person not only put out there, but extremely put out there, but forced into isolation, and thus the life is destroyed against the will. There are cope and non-copable things. Strong physical pain for instance cannot be coped with. Nor can forced-isolation. a loss of a few jobs can be coped with. So can loss of a friend and replacement with another. But not isolation.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

To the young people: you really cannot know how it goes, if you put yourself out there it is much more possible that you won't be single.

As all the fearful things, when it happens it's not so bad as one expects, and in any case 40 is the new 30

Love this

sure, its a lovely thing to say, but it doesnt not account for a person who has met hundreds of women (or men) on or offline, out at a place or at a site, any method, any time, different types, over a decade or decades, gone out alone over a thousand times or used 30 to 40 social sites.

that would then be a person not only put out there, but extremely put out there, but forced into isolation, and thus the life is destroyed against the will. There are cope and non-copable things. Strong physical pain for instance cannot be coped with. Nor can forced-isolation. a loss of a few jobs can be coped with. So can loss of a friend and replacement with another. But not isolation.

Do some people really have no choice??? It may take lots of time and be challenging to make it happen but I believe people who really want to find other people to connect with can do it if they really want to even if it starts not with finding a romantic partner but building your social network which can help you eventually find your romantic partner and even if you don't, then at least you have your social network. Forced isolation with 7 billion people on the planet! How is this possible? I'm lonely in my home but I know I can always go outside and do whatever it takes to find other people. I'm doing it. It's a process though, not an instant solution.

 

[Wanderer145]

Do some people really have no choice??? It may take lots of time and be challenging to make it happen but I believe people who really want to find other people to connect with can do it if they really want to even if it starts not with finding a romantic partner but building your social network which can help you eventually find your romantic partner and even if you don't, then at least you have your social network. Forced isolation with 7 billion people on the planet! How is this possible? I'm lonely in my home but I know I can always go outside and do whatever it takes to find other people. I'm doing it. It's a process though, not an instant solution.

For many people its about isolation they're either in a place where few people are have had bad experiences in the past that have mad things that much harder to go out and gain these social circles. Think about it you go out to meet ups try to get conversation going get a few people's details and talk to them later on and they just never reply. Think if that happened so commonly that you think christ is a simple hello and how are you that offensive these days? Even varying the approach yields little results. I do agree its a process its not instantaneous and will take a long time to get down, but it is really not an easy thing for someone with little to no friends to grow into a socialite.

 

[VanillaCreme]

after a few years of never really being by myself, I actually really look forward to the alone time I do happen to get.

That bolded part caught my attention. It seems to me that it's one of the biggest issues with human beings. We want it, but we don't (or in another words, we want the best of both worlds). Take employment for example. If you're unemployed (Or like a stay at home wife) then you wish you had a job, you miss working. When you have a job, you don't want to work, you miss your days off.

But if we were to look it that way.. do we really "miss" it? To miss it is to say we still hold it with [high importance] right? We want to work, but we don't want to work. We want a relationship (or friends) because we don't want to be alone, but we want to be alone. We all want many things in life, once we get it, we don't want it anymore. Once we don't have it anymore (lose it, gave it up, or whatever the reason) we want it again.

--

As for being single. Nothing hurts more than having no one to really think you matter. There are gaps in all of us that can only be filled by a partner. The fear is natural.

It's not that I don't want it. I do, or else I wouldn't be here. Do I wish it were better? Sure. Would I change it to be how I'd like it to be? In a heartbeat. But if I really didn't want to be where I am, I've ways to leave.

As far as not being single, personally, I don't need anyone else to feel validated. I think that people should be with someone because they add to their life, not to fill in any spots or holes or gaps. When someone starts thinking they need someone to fill a gap or hole in their heart or life, then they have more of an issue than just wanting to be with someone.

Just my opinion of course. I apologize ahead of time if anyone takes that in a bad way.

I worry about being single forever too. I'm 27, and will be 28 this year. I know there are certain things I need to do in order to make me more interesting and appealing, but that's only half the battle. There's just no one I like around here, no one who stands out to me physically, no one who shares my interests, no memorable conversations, whole lotta nada. My friends host parties sometimes, and sometimes there are girls there. But it's never anyone who makes any kind of impression on me. I try to stay optimistic because being negative has never helped me, but I just don't know.

From what I've seen of you here, I fail to see why you're single.

 

[sk66rc]

In general, to be afraid of something is to hope it doesn't happen or the interaction with some thing or situation... When you don't have any problem with being single, you really don't have anything to be afraid of... A lot of people think life is passing them by when they see others around them in a relationship & getting married & having kids... There's a flip side to that, or for some people, it's exactly the opposite... I have a very close friend who's married & have 2 kids... He once told me he feels like his life was passing him by when he sees me being single... He felt pressured to care for 3 people... There's a long story involved with that but I was so glad when he got passed that point in time...

I personally don't have any issues with being single for the rest of my life... I don't see it as any type of negative thing... I actually think I can accomplish more with my life if I remained single... Not to say I have a problem with having a relationship... I'm saying I don't have problem with either being single or being in a relationship... It's almost like indifference for me...

 

[Aisha]

Whether it happens that way or not, the best thing to do is live your life the way you want. If you don't have anyone's toes to avoid or anyone else's life to plan around, that's definitely a good thing. If the heavens open up and someone drops in then so be it.

But until then, I'm going to try taking my own advice and just be chill about the whole prospect of single-dom.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

No- I'd have a greater of being with the wrong someone for the rest of my life.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Anyone who is lonely has a gap or hole in their heart or life. An isolated chimpanzee has this same gap. You can't put it in an enclosure by itself, it's a social animal. People need other people and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Of course this message of people having an issue for needing another person gets repeated over and over in our world. Be happy alone is the message being conveyed to people who naturally are hardwired to connect with other human beings. This doesn't mean we should be overly dependent on others. We should not be independent or dependent, we should be interdependent, that combines both independence and dependence and of course there has to be reciprocation on both sides. It's a balance. We are responsible to a large extent for our own well-being, this is true, but I dislike the message of making people feel wrong for needing others. No offense. Honestly, no matter how pathetic this makes me as a human being or if it makes anyone think I have issues if I have to live alone and be single for the rest of my life I'm not going to like it. Here is an example. I enjoy cooking. I cook for myself. I take care of myself but it would give me so much more pleasure and happiness if I was cooking for more than one, if someone needed me too. I would feel more of a sense of purpose and connection and yes, I know in my heart this would make me happier. Living for just myself really gets old after a while.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Anyone who is lonely has a gap or hole in their heart or life. An isolated chimpanzee has this same gap. You can't put it in an enclosure by itself, it's a social animal. People need other people and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Of course this message of people having an issue for needing another person gets repeated over and over in our world. Be happy alone is the message being conveyed to people who naturally are hardwired to connect with other human beings. This doesn't mean we should be overly dependent on others. We should not be independent or dependent, we should be interdependent, that combines both independence and dependence and of course there has to be reciprocation on both sides. It's a balance. We are responsible to a large extent for our own well-being, this is true, but I dislike the message of making people feel wrong for needing others. No offense. Honestly, no matter how pathetic this makes me as a human being or if it makes anyone think I have issues if I have to live alone and be single for the rest of my life I'm not going to like it. Here is an example. I enjoy cooking. I cook for myself. I take care of myself but it would give me so much more pleasure and happiness if I was cooking for more than one, if someone needed me too. I would feel more of a sense of purpose and connection and yes, I know in my heart this would make me happier. Living for just myself really gets old after a while.

But you can't say that about everyone. Who's to say that being lonely or alone is a bad thing for everyone? It's not. Some people prefer to be loners. Some people have no problem, no second thoughts about being by themselves. I've always been like that myself. I don't mind being alone. I never said there was anything wrong with people feeling like they want to be around others, or to be needed. There's no shame in being social or wanting to be social. But not everyone needs that.

 

[tone303]

You cant get with your true Love if there is no way for people to get to know you

A person is judged in the first 3 to 5 seconds for the most shallow things, maybe first hour to day for another level of shallow, and then ( call this #3) to get to know a person for what matters; it would take more time.

But if a person disappears from another person before getting to whats labeled above as #3, then that person can then never have a family of his or her own, and never have Love & human contact

The way this dynamic works is those of darkness & flakiness will pass the other 2, the 3 to 5 second and the one hour to few days test. Then the person will reject the proper person and decide to get to know the evil one, or mismatched one if not evil.

Its by this dynamic that women complain if their men because theyve rejected every man that would have been correct and good. The men are bad in a different way. there's these social dynamic problems in both genders in different ways.

Its just another corruption of our reality, like cheating, lying, war, crime, disinfo, pollution, etc.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I don't fear being single for the rest of my life, however I definitely fear still being single as the years continue to pass me by leading into my 30's/40's etc. I'm still quite optimistic that I will find somebody eventually though and I'm taking the time to work on myself first before I rush into anything.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Anyone who is lonely has a gap or hole in their heart or life. An isolated chimpanzee has this same gap. You can't put it in an enclosure by itself, it's a social animal. People need other people and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Of course this message of people having an issue for needing another person gets repeated over and over in our world. Be happy alone is the message being conveyed to people who naturally are hardwired to connect with other human beings. This doesn't mean we should be overly dependent on others. We should not be independent or dependent, we should be interdependent, that combines both independence and dependence and of course there has to be reciprocation on both sides. It's a balance. We are responsible to a large extent for our own well-being, this is true, but I dislike the message of making people feel wrong for needing others. No offense. Honestly, no matter how pathetic this makes me as a human being or if it makes anyone think I have issues if I have to live alone and be single for the rest of my life I'm not going to like it. Here is an example. I enjoy cooking. I cook for myself. I take care of myself but it would give me so much more pleasure and happiness if I was cooking for more than one, if someone needed me too. I would feel more of a sense of purpose and connection and yes, I know in my heart this would make me happier. Living for just myself really gets old after a while.

But you can't say that about everyone. Who's to say that being lonely or alone is a bad thing for everyone? It's not. Some people prefer to be loners. Some people have no problem, no second thoughts about being by themselves. I've always been like that myself. I don't mind being alone. I never said there was anything wrong with people feeling like they want to be around others, or to be needed. There's no shame in being social or wanting to be social. But not everyone needs that.

I'm not saying this about everyone. I just don't want anyone to tell me that I have an issue just because I am not content with the idea of my single status being a permanent condition, temporarily I can deal with it but not forever, and because I feel that for me something is missing. I can't change how I feel about it.

 

[mari1969]

Im 45 and this is my worst fear, my whole life i was in a relationship (3), Im not used to be alone and i dont want, I feel very anxiuos and sad about.

---

I am in the same boat as you. My best friend is pregnant, and I have two weddings this year to go to of people my age. In reality, I love living alone, and taking care of myself. I will admit seeing everyone else moving on in life (marriage, kids, etc.) makes me think, "Well, what's next for me?" I kinda feel that I am standing still in my life when everyone else is rushing by.

I don't really have a problem with being single. I actually think I could handle it for the rest of my life. Yea, I would have some bad lonely days, but it happens. I would just consume myself in my hobbies and career instead of a relationship with a person. And I could actually do that. It just depends the type of person you are.

I wish i be like you.

 

[ardour]

As far as not being single, personally, I don't need anyone else to feel validated. I think that people should be with someone because they add to their life, not to fill in any spots or holes or gaps. When someone starts thinking they need someone to fill a gap or hole in their heart or life, then they have more of an issue than just wanting to be with someone.

Just my opinion of course. I apologize ahead of time if anyone takes that in a bad way.

Why does it have to be about validation? If we want something there's going to be some sadness in it's absence, particularly as it relates to human contact. People saying this sort of thing seem to either be happily in relationships, or have been through several failed relationships before and become completely jaded and over it.

 

[tone303]

As far as not being single, personally, I don't need anyone else to feel validated. I think that people should be with someone because they add to their life, not to fill in any spots or holes or gaps. When someone starts thinking they need someone to fill a gap or hole in their heart or life, then they have more of an issue than just wanting to be with someone.

Just my opinion of course. I apologize ahead of time if anyone takes that in a bad way.

Why does it have to be about validation? If we want something there's going to be some sadness in it's absence, particularly as it relates to human contact. People saying this sort of thing seem to be either happily in relationships, or have been through several failed relationships and become completely jaded and over it.

Its not, that is all dark disinfo. Relationships have nothing to do with "need to feel validated" -- that has nothing to do with having a family of your own or the human nature of sharing in Love, communication, connection or contact. Its just a bizarre disinfo.

Its like you say, it relates to human contact. human nature. I do not know where people come up with these unrelated dark concepts. No offense.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Anyone who is lonely has a gap or hole in their heart or life. An isolated chimpanzee has this same gap. You can't put it in an enclosure by itself, it's a social animal. People need other people and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Of course this message of people having an issue for needing another person gets repeated over and over in our world. Be happy alone is the message being conveyed to people who naturally are hardwired to connect with other human beings. This doesn't mean we should be overly dependent on others. We should not be independent or dependent, we should be interdependent, that combines both independence and dependence and of course there has to be reciprocation on both sides. It's a balance. We are responsible to a large extent for our own well-being, this is true, but I dislike the message of making people feel wrong for needing others. No offense. Honestly, no matter how pathetic this makes me as a human being or if it makes anyone think I have issues if I have to live alone and be single for the rest of my life I'm not going to like it. Here is an example. I enjoy cooking. I cook for myself. I take care of myself but it would give me so much more pleasure and happiness if I was cooking for more than one, if someone needed me too. I would feel more of a sense of purpose and connection and yes, I know in my heart this would make me happier. Living for just myself really gets old after a while.

But you can't say that about everyone. Who's to say that being lonely or alone is a bad thing for everyone? It's not. Some people prefer to be loners. Some people have no problem, no second thoughts about being by themselves. I've always been like that myself. I don't mind being alone. I never said there was anything wrong with people feeling like they want to be around others, or to be needed. There's no shame in being social or wanting to be social. But not everyone needs that.

I'm not saying this about everyone. I just don't want anyone to tell me that I have an issue just because I am not content with the idea of my single status being a permanent condition, temporarily I can deal with it but not forever, and because I feel that for me something is missing. I can't change how I feel about it.

You're free to feel how you wish. I didn't mean to generalize, and I apologize if it seemed that way. That's why I said personally because I can only speak for myself.

 

[ardour]

35 and the closest thing I've had to a date was with someone I asked to school ball when I was 18.

The thought of heading into middle age alone is frightening, what with the majority partnered up and indifferent to the... plight of others. On the other hand I'm not sure how to cope being that close with someone considering the total lack of experience.

Where I work there are older men who obviously never had relationships. They don't seem exactly happy. More like depressed, anxious, preoccupied with whatever meaning or distraction they get out life (work, solitary hobbies.) I'd like to ask them what they think about being alone, for any advice they could offer, but of course I can't.

Weird how 2004 seems like yesterday, I can still remember what I was doing from week to week, almost every conversation and place visited.

 

[VanillaCreme]

As far as not being single, personally, I don't need anyone else to feel validated. I think that people should be with someone because they add to their life, not to fill in any spots or holes or gaps. When someone starts thinking they need someone to fill a gap or hole in their heart or life, then they have more of an issue than just wanting to be with someone.

Just my opinion of course. I apologize ahead of time if anyone takes that in a bad way.

Why does it have to be about validation? If we want something there's going to be some sadness in it's absence, particularly as it relates to human contact. People saying this sort of thing seem to either be happily in relationships, or have been through several failed relationships before and become completely jaded and over it.

I seemed to have not seen this. My bad. I'll respond now. Why validation? Because, in my mind, when someone's attempting to fill an empty spot in their life with another person, then perhaps they're looking for someone to make them feel worthy. Because if a person would say to me that they wanted to be with someone to feel needed, to me, that's validation. That's just how I see it, and I'm not saying that you or anyone else has to agree with me.

And as far being happy in my relationship, or having a multitude of failed relationships, you know nothing about me. You don't know the complications in my relationship, so don't pretend you do simply because you disagree with something I've said. I've not had a multitude of failed relationships. I wasn't even in any relationship with anyone until I was about 20 or 21.

 

[ardour]

I seemed to have not seen this. My bad. I'll respond now. Why validation? Because, in my mind, when someone's attempting to fill an empty spot in their life with another person, then perhaps they're looking for someone to make them feel worthy.

Perhaps they are, perhaps they aren't. You're addressing the situation where they are.

Because if a person would say to me that they wanted to be with someone to feel needed, to me, that's validation.

Or they could enjoy feeling needed.

And as far being happy in my relationship, or having a multitude of failed relationships, you know nothing about me. You don't know the complications in my relationship, so don't pretend you do simply because you disagree with something I've said. I've not had a multitude of failed relationships. I wasn't even in any relationship with anyone until I was about 20 or 21.

Forgive me for being combative, but I think you're current situation, the complications, probably make you a little cynical and predisposed to viewing the single state in a positive light.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I seemed to have not seen this. My bad. I'll respond now. Why validation? Because, in my mind, when someone's attempting to fill an empty spot in their life with another person, then perhaps they're looking for someone to make them feel worthy.

Perhaps they are, perhaps they aren't. You're addressing the situation where they are.

That's why I said perhaps. Perhaps doesn't mean definite.

Because if a person would say to me that they wanted to be with someone to feel needed, to me, that's validation.

Or they could enjoy a feeling of being needed.

Enjoy it or not, needed - in my opinion - still would mean validation.

And as far being happy in my relationship, or having a multitude of failed relationships, you know nothing about me. You don't know the complications in my relationship, so don't pretend you do simply because you disagree with something I've said. I've not had a multitude of failed relationships. I wasn't even in any relationship with anyone until I was about 20 or 21.

Forgive me for being combative, but I think you're current situation, the complications, probably make you a little cynical and predisposed to viewing the single state in a positive light.

I'm not cynical. You don't know if I'm happy or not. I never said I was unhappy in my relationship. Don't try to read between the lines with what I say, because you're most likely not going to find anything hidden. Complicated doesn't always mean bad. And I have no idea where you picked up I was inclined to viewing being single in a positive state. Like I said, if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. My apologizes if my words have made you feel combative; That certainly wasn't my intention.