Expressing my self

[Aksentije]

I dont know what to do anymore... im really disapointed in life, and also no i dont give a **** about my spelling errors....
anyways, i feel very bad almost every day.. i listen to people in school talking about their girlfriend and boyfriends, and i really go all the way to the bottom, and feel veeery depressed, and there is nothing else to do then just pretend that its all okay. And noone even gives a **** how I am, except from my mother but she is really busy, she barely has time to rest and i really dont have a thing against her but this world....
Its just disgusting to walk around the school hearing people talking about you and your flaws, it really hurts.. and if they see i heard them they think its nothing bad... well guess what it its bad. It makes me wanna kill them and my self... and even the worse thing is when someone insults you when you are with your friends and your friends dont give a **** what was said to you and just ignore it. I am overweight enough to be laughed at, and when you read this thread i guess you kinda wanna mock me and make fun of me...
people think that i am blind and i cant see my flaws...
not to speak that i dont have any kind of accomplishment in my life.. i dont have a talent...i dont have real friends and i dont know love....they say its a beautiful thing and all that but how can it be beautiful when it makes me so sad and so dissapointed in my life.... i really dont know. It would be a lot easier to have someone in this world, just to be there to talk to.
And i will probobly get replys to this thread such as yes i agree if you wanna talk you can PM me... I DONT WANNA FREAKING PM YOU, I DONT WANT SOMEONE WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE MY FRIEND FOR 14 MINUTES!
I hate this planet and this world, and there is nothing good in it for me...






I am sick and tired of being mocked at. i just dont know what to do. Every single day i have to listen to people laughing at me behind my back and i have to take it. I mean when someone tells me something rude i just ignore them, but it really starts to effect me. it makes me think they are right....
i know there are other problems in the world and there are people that have 10000 times worse problems but i have to say this.. i feel lonely. i dont have anyone in my life. No friends, and as for the love... i used to be in love with people, but when all those emotions just stand in one place, they are like fruit, they stay too long and rotten all the way... I dont have anything left inside me other than sadness and anger. I hate romantic movies, i hate love comercials i hate soaps i hate the happily ever after endings... there is nothing for me..... and yet again some part of me hopes, that the time will come when i will feel happy.... but it never does and im not sure if it will...
now i ask youi............. What is love?

 

[Wailun]

Hi Aksentije, I know you probably won't believe what i'm about to say, but I feel for you. I was pretty much in the same situation as you when I was younger. I felt alone in the world, without anyone to rely on, ppl would make fun of me, and I'd just take it. I guess mine was one of the lucky cases when ppl finally saw what they did wrong and turned a new leaf and became my friends.

but that doesn;t mean it can't happen for you! If you really feel the way you do when you posted this thread, I want you to go up to those who have mocked you, and give them a tounge lashing they'll never forget! You said there's nothign left inside you but sadness and anger, well it's about time that anger took centre stage! You need to let them know, what kind of jerks they've been and how much pain they've caused you! I know this sounds extreme, and alot of people may disagree with me, but dam it, it's better to get all that negativity out and have anyone whose not a friend leave, than to stay in circle of endless sadness.

And I know this isn't much, but what i've found that happiness isn't about looking at thing in the here and now. I think happiness comes from knowing that there is something good waiting for you in the future. I know i'm not being specific, but you're still very young! There's countless oppurtunities for you out there, friends, career, love, family, The list goes on.

 

[lomojojo]

Aksentije

I think you can channel your anger through some kind of sport like self defense or kickboxing. Exercise is an excellent way to feel good and helps with self confidence. I hope you feel better.

 

[Talus]

You haven't said a single thing that would make me want to mock you or make fun of you and to be honest what you're describing sounds remarkably similar to my experiences in high school.

Both the verbal and physical abuse I went through led me to switching schools once, and eventually dropping out and getting my GED - although that's not a choice I'd recommend. A good many of my problems were my own fault, and some were simply because at your age kids are cruel. So insecure with themselves that they have to find someone else to bring down with them. I remember wanting to die for a very long time.

Here's the hard part. If you want change, you have to face up to your flaws and do everything in your power to change them or minimize them. If you're tired of being overweight then take steps to do something about it, start playing sports, or just start walking/running each day. Pay more attention to what you're eating, and so forth.

Tell yourself you're worth it. Even if you think it's a lie. If you tell yourself something often enough, eventually you'll believe it, and eventually you'll make it a reality. It sounds stupid, but it could be one of the single most important things you can do for yourself.

You say you have no talent. Talent is an interesting notion because in most cases it implies you're naturally good at something. Generally speaking people are NOT naturally good at things. In my case people always how talented a guitar player I am, in such a way that implies I was born with the skill or something. I was never naturally talented at it. I simply spent 4-6 hours a day for 5 years practicing the damned thing. Basically what I'm saying to you is, you want to be talented, you want to accomplish something, it's as simple as picking something and working at it until you get it right.

My point behind all of this is, I've been where you are and I've worked past it. Life isn't perfect, but it's not miserable and by and large it tends to be pretty good. This is stuff that you can work past too, you just need to believe in yourself. It'll take you time, and nothing about the process will be easy, but it is possible and it is worthwhile.

 

[Ribozyme]

No matter what we say here will only make you angrier and more pissed off, I think. But nevertheless, we will speak.

It's been awhile since I last visited this forum. I thought I was over with loneliness. Well, it seems it is not over with me. Anyway, your thread was the first that caught my eye.

I was mocked at and bullied for almost the entire elementary school. I was (am) overweight, I was calm and introvert and kids took advantage of that. I had friends who backed away each time one of those two idiots started the daily routine with me, calling me names, shoving me around, screaming at my ears, pushing me, stealing my stuff, hitting me in the head with pencils and books...

The entire class knew, would witness it every time. 90% percent of them found it funny and amusing. 9% didn't give a ****. Only one person actually stood up against the idiots. Her name was Kata and she was slightly autistic. Actually, she was almost sent to the school for the children with "special needs". Naturally, the idiots bullied her too. I didn't have the courage to stand up and fight.

All that time I was alone. I never had a real friend during that time. All those who were my "friends" were the same people who would turn their heads when the idiots started their name-calling and bullying.

High school was a relief, in a certain way. The bullying stopped. But everything stopped, too. I didn't exist for that four years. I never loved, or was loved.

Now... I'm at the University, on my third year. I have a few very close friends. If they weren't here, this life wouldn't be worth living. But I am still alone. I still haven't had a relationship. Being gay doesn't help at all. Being in love with your only male (and best) straight, not-single, whose-girlfriend-is-your-best-friend, friend doesn't help also. I hate love. It made me behave horribly towards him, and towards his girlfriend. I'd rather have that part of my brain (that's responsible for feeling anything) surgically removed and be turned into a robot. He used to hug me before. Those hugs used to be my only glimpses into what would it be like to love and have somebody. He hasn't hugged me in months. He has no idea those hugs were the only things that kept me alive. I believe that that stupid feeling of love is the only thing keeping me alive. I'm afraid to stop loving him because I think I would lose a will to live. I HATE myself because I'm so jealous of his gf. I HATE myself because I can't stop dreaming the very same dream each night...

I... I cannot describe just how much it...it HURTS not to have him. To spend a day with him restraining myself from crushing him in my arms in a desperate hug... It's been like this for over six months...

Despite all that, I still hope that everything will turn out to be just fine. I started losing weight, in order to try to boost my self-esteem. I'm trying to be more outgoing because I understand that life won't just stumble upon me one day. I have to activly do something if I'm ever to love properly. I am scared that loving him so pointlessly will leave me damaged and scarred for time to come but I still hope that I will find happines.

Why am I saying all this? So that you could see you're not the only one out there. I know it doesn't help you, just as it doesn't help me to know I'm not the only one out there with these kind of problems. But nevertheless...

I really do wish you all the best in your life, and this is not just a phrase.

 

[Luna]

Aksentije, much of I want to say has already been excellently expressed by the above posters ^^^

I have no desire to mock or make light of your problems.
I was there; and am still there emotionally, four years later.
I experienced low-self esteem during my school years; mostly due to racism and bullying for my appearance (including my weight).
I still feel the pain from being mocked, humiliated, physically assaulted, socially shunned and so forth.
The wounds don't heal easily.

I was constantly binging and eating to cope with loneliness, depression and stress.
The bigger I got, the more I hated myself, and then I would continue binging during late nights. It is a vicious cycle.
I still do occasionally time to time, but the difference is - now - I know when to stop.
One day, I decided, that I would fight this no matter how much I wanted to give up.
I still haven't quite reached that golden finish line just yet, but I'm still running, as exhausted as I may be.

It is malicious and sinful of these people to walk up to you and deliberately hurt you so.
Perhaps your "flaws" aren't even truly "flaws".
We all have our quirks; it is what makes us different.
I kept on believing my bullies and let them reinforce my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
These people are not people worth listening to.

Your words could have come from me.
I wish I could go back and talk to my young self what I know now...but I can't.
Don't be hard on yourself; I know it may not mean much right now to hear this from a stranger on the internet. Whether or not you give my words consideration is up to you. But they were written for you.

I will tell you this...hope. That little, tiny bit of hope that you have in you, can pull you through this.
It lead me through the fire...even though everything around me went up in flames. There was a time where I thought I could not take anymore, but here I am.

We all don't know what the future may hold, but give yourself a chance at least. You deserve it.

 

[bugonwall]

You know thats life. I found out that the word "freinds" really dont mean much . People are just people and YOU need to realize that no one is trust worthy exept yourself. Dont be bothered by dumb high school drama ,or rumors. I hate to say that people are in this life for themselves and they will do almopst whatever it takes to look cool, or out do someone, to get ahead I guess it's called survival . Its all just B.S I am sure you are a good person and you need to just remain calm and let this go dont confront them because it gets you nowhere life is full of what you describe life is competition and if you get in that circle you wont be any better than them! If they throw punches thats when you attack!