Feeling like you don't belong

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Crudbonemeal

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Oct 24, 2023
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Location
Pennsylvania
Hey Everyone,

Do you ever get the feeling that there is no place in the world that you belong in? Are you always feeling like an outsider no matter where you go?

This is how I feel constantly. I am honestly so burned out by my life i can no longer take it.
 
I know of an international online (zoom) peer support group - would you be interested in trying that? I believe it originates in the US, and is run in English. It's strongly moderated and has a specific focus on mental health.
 
Constantly. I've felt like that for as along as I can remember. It's at the point where I almost believe that I'm from a different universe. I think I read a while ago that there's a specific name from this "condition".
 
So life is weird, picture me not too long ago living my best life modelling, dancing and acting. I would never dream of talking to the kind of people who frequent support groups and loneliness forums, I was “too good” for that. Now life has laughed at me, put me in support groups with people I used to judge and now they judge and exclude me, they tell me im too attractive to have problems… (literally…) as narcissistic as I am… not even I believe that.

I dont fit in and I never will… all the men hate me but cant help but beg for my attention and all the women hate me because all the men beg for my attention… I was excluded so much that after an event the members of the support group thought they pushed me to the edge and stopped excluding me. But I cant fit in, I’ve never been invisible, even being excluded was done so purposefully, as in it took so much effort that I felt over important and over noticed… the literal opposite to what they all feel.
 
So life is weird, picture me not too long ago living my best life modelling, dancing and acting. I would never dream of talking to the kind of people who frequent support groups and loneliness forums, I was “too good” for that. Now life has laughed at me, put me in support groups with people I used to judge and now they judge and exclude me, they tell me im too attractive to have problems… (literally…) as narcissistic as I am… not even I believe that.

I dont fit in and I never will… all the men hate me but cant help but beg for my attention and all the women hate me because all the men beg for my attention… I was excluded so much that after an event the members of the support group thought they pushed me to the edge and stopped excluding me. But I cant fit in, I’ve never been invisible, even being excluded was done so purposefully, as in it took so much effort that I felt over important and over noticed… the literal opposite to what they all feel.
*virtual hug*
 
Belonging somewhere with a group I could think of as my "tribe" has always been an issue for me. Every Saturday morning from June through October I have a booth at the farmers market.....I belong there and it's kind of a big deal for me.
I volunteer every week at the local hospital and I've made a niche for myself there.
I'm a member of a church.

That's about it and that may be as good as it gets for me.
 
I don’t belong. There have been a few times I felt accepted but that was several lifetimes ago. Sometimes I meet someone who wants to be kind to me but there is always a reason to get in the way. They don’t know how to get through to me or I don’t know how to let them in, or we are just different. The people who take advantage all seem to know my number so its hard for me to trust anyone. I’m contagious like a virus. Get close to me and everyone else will avoid you as well. I do my best to cope with being alone. Its bitter/sweet to know that isolation like this will contribute to having a short life.

It causes a deep depression that I just can’t get past. I’ve not belonged most of my life and I’m honestly tired. I can’t get up and enjoy life because I’m too tired from being depressed. Im depressed because I don’t belong.

Lately Ive done a good job at accepting my not belonging.

Not sure where its from but its like its an episode of Black Mirror where people are punished by being turned into a greyed out silhouette. People know you are there, but can’t see or hear you. Thats the way I feel. I don’t try to be acknowledged anymore. I walk through life ignoring people to save me the embarrassment of being ignored. I hang out on the fringe of society patiently waiting…
 
I live a life of not-belonging. starting from about 13 years old when my family moved to a strange place. But actually, my awareness of being "other" started a short time before that.

About 15 years ago I did have a friend group for about 5 years, until the whole group kind of fell apart. Lately I've been trying to locate belonging somehow, somewhere, while trying to sustain my mental health.

I joined a group that meets once a week online, where the people are assigned a task at the end to make contact with a specific person in the group during the week. The people who are supposed to contact me usually don't.

I'm invisible. Well maybe not actually invisible - just see-through.

Oh, and by the way, if anyone wants to talk to me I'd be happy to. DM me and we can set a time to meet in the chat area. I'll risk it if you will.
 
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I've always been someone who doesn't fit in. I grew up in a heavily impoverished area where many people weren't as articulate as I was. It became very apparent at a young age that I was intelligent.

When I was in elementary school, I easily impressed teachers with my vocabulary and wit, but my family and other people in my community weren't so impressed. I was often made fun of and bullied for the way I spoke and how well I could read. I learned very early on, especially in high school, that in order to fit in, I had to dumb myself down. But this left me feeling unchallenged and intellectually unfulfilled, so I isolated myself.

In fact, my mother used to make fun of me all the time for the way I spoke. I would come home and talk about something I thought was interesting that I'd learned, and she would get angry and start arguments. I think people treated me differently, mostly out of insecurity. And honestly, I still have the same problem with my family. I realize I can be a bit of a boring guy, and often people assume that I think I'm smarter than them. So I'm often alienated and alone.
 
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I fit nowhere. I never have. I'm an amalgamation of dissociated information sewn together like an abomination and parody of life itself. What makes up the correlation of the contents of my mind can be equated to what Dr. Frankenstein did to piece together his monster, only my head is more like the head of Duddits from Dreamcatcher and even Stephen King has stated he disliked Dreamcatcher in retrospect. Alternatively I would also be willing to call my headspace alike that of Hermaeus Mora's realm Apocrypha in the Elder Scrolls game series. Or to put it to a visual, my mind looks like this:

apocrypha__3__skyrim__by_wamillian_d6p9t6f-fullview.jpg


tumblr_p5hj4cJdmE1x6lom9o5_1280.jpg


An absolute endless hallway of books and tattered pages.
 

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