W
wallflower79
Guest
For the past days as I work, as I drive, as I clean, as I make food, as I shower, I keep repeating to myself that "I don't like myself." I feel so foolish and inadequate. I feel like something is missing in my life, and I don't know why. As the second oldest of six kids, I am always used to having someone around. Going to school, I always had a built in connections in my siblings, and I was always one as a frequent new student in school to try and find a friend and then latch onto them in order to establish a connection in the school to avoid bullying. Whenever I moved, I always tried to focus my efforts on befriending one specific person so that I could have more than an acquaintance, but a friend. Because I had acquaintances. But not friends. And then finally going to college, I was roomed with 5 to 7 other girls and there I established many connections, but it always seemed to fall short of the closeness that I saw with other people. I feel like I am disconnected with other people somehow, like I am too different and strange to see eye to eye with anyone. And now I'm alone. I live alone for the most part. But everytime I try and put myself out there with the people I meet here -- at church -- because where else am I going to go? -- they are in their own friend groups that they've been a part of for years, and it all seems so strange to me. I wish I had the closeness with someone to be able to call them every day and see them weekly, but for everyone I know that seems too much effort, because I am just the extra person that people take the time to be kind to out of a Christian duty, and then go back to their groups of friends once more and forget me. I have seen two roommates who had never met before moving become the best of friends, but somehow that will never happen to me. I don't know why I am so inadequate. I guess that is why I don't like myself.