Stride
Well-known member
This is a wall of text without a TL;DR so only read if you have time. 
Also, I would appreciate it if you have different beliefs about homosexuality to kindly keep it to yourself or put it in the debate area. Thanks.
My best friend has said and done some things that have really gotten me thinking about his overall wellness. A year ago he and I got very drunk and he told me an interesting bit about his former experiences living in Utah (we both now live in WA). He professed in non sequitur that his first and only experience sexually was with another guy his age and that basically, he was gay. He didn’t remember any of this (we were both at the blackout stages of drunkenness), but for some reason I don’t lose any memory regardless of how drunk I am. I brought it up with him the next morning and he was shocked that he’d said anything, exclaiming that he had told no one about it before and quickly dismissed my questions about his homosexuality later.
It was after that he somewhat broke communication with me. I don’t think he trusted me at the time with that kind of information, or anyone for that matter considering his previous statement about telling no one. I wrote him a couple of lengthy emails expressing my support for his sexuality and my overall desire for him to be happy. He eventually got over the awkwardness and we went on as if nothing had ever happened. I would subtly bring it up in passing conversation or when we were drunk again but he seemed to have strengthened his barriers on the subject.
Over the past few months however, he seems to be loosening up. Last Friday night as we were conversing (again drunk) he would keep telling that he wasn’t gay, though unprovoked and unasked by me. He talked about how much he cared about his appearance and how he thought his hands and feet looked extremely feminine. He told me of the lengths he would go to make them seem more masculine, often rubbing some skin irritator across his hands to make them look more weathered. I didn’t understand why he felt this way because I’ve never cared about my hands and feet that way. This was an hour to two hour conversation about his hands and feet. Later when we were on the couch watching a movie, he did something that I have only ever experienced with another girl: he stretched his legs across mine without care and we continued watching the movie.
Now, I didn’t care that he did this. I value his friendship more than any other friendship I’ve had. I see us more as soul mates of the same gender; someone that you find where you have had similar experiences, have almost identical values, love the same music, etc. But the stretching the legs over mine thing is something I’ve only experienced with girls and generally meant that they were attracted to me, and sometimes lead to sex. I hope that you’ve gathered that I have no issue with homosexuality, but I fear intensely that he is attracted to me.
I am very sensitive to talking about relationships because of my past and some unfortunate occurrences with my brother (he has never had a relationship). I generally dislike doing it because I'm aware the person I’m talking to may not be as fortunate to have had a meaningful relationship in their life (my brother as an example). This characteristic may have leaded my friend to think that I was gay as well. I said that I fear that my friend is attracted to me not because I’m homophobic, but because some day he may ask if I feel the same way that he does about me, and I don’t want to see the look in his eyes when I tell him that I’m not gay. In other words, I just don’t want to hurt him.
I have a genuine want for him to be happy and to find a person that he can be secure and romantic with regardless of gender. I have cried a few times at night thinking about how lonely and afraid he must be. He told me last week that he wanted to move back to Utah. I’m assuming he wants to do this because he wants to go back to where he had his first and only homoerotic experience. I would be truly saddened if he did, and I’ve been searching for the words to tell him this past week. I’m not really looking for advice or a confirmation of action because I have tried in many ways to make him feel secure about his sexuality. I’m not even entirely certain he is gay; I’m just going by what he’s told me and how he acts. I might just be over thinking it all, but I care too much not to have the situation plaguing my mind.
I just really wanted to get all the words out of my head. If you've read it all, thank you.
Also, I would appreciate it if you have different beliefs about homosexuality to kindly keep it to yourself or put it in the debate area. Thanks.
My best friend has said and done some things that have really gotten me thinking about his overall wellness. A year ago he and I got very drunk and he told me an interesting bit about his former experiences living in Utah (we both now live in WA). He professed in non sequitur that his first and only experience sexually was with another guy his age and that basically, he was gay. He didn’t remember any of this (we were both at the blackout stages of drunkenness), but for some reason I don’t lose any memory regardless of how drunk I am. I brought it up with him the next morning and he was shocked that he’d said anything, exclaiming that he had told no one about it before and quickly dismissed my questions about his homosexuality later.
It was after that he somewhat broke communication with me. I don’t think he trusted me at the time with that kind of information, or anyone for that matter considering his previous statement about telling no one. I wrote him a couple of lengthy emails expressing my support for his sexuality and my overall desire for him to be happy. He eventually got over the awkwardness and we went on as if nothing had ever happened. I would subtly bring it up in passing conversation or when we were drunk again but he seemed to have strengthened his barriers on the subject.
Over the past few months however, he seems to be loosening up. Last Friday night as we were conversing (again drunk) he would keep telling that he wasn’t gay, though unprovoked and unasked by me. He talked about how much he cared about his appearance and how he thought his hands and feet looked extremely feminine. He told me of the lengths he would go to make them seem more masculine, often rubbing some skin irritator across his hands to make them look more weathered. I didn’t understand why he felt this way because I’ve never cared about my hands and feet that way. This was an hour to two hour conversation about his hands and feet. Later when we were on the couch watching a movie, he did something that I have only ever experienced with another girl: he stretched his legs across mine without care and we continued watching the movie.
Now, I didn’t care that he did this. I value his friendship more than any other friendship I’ve had. I see us more as soul mates of the same gender; someone that you find where you have had similar experiences, have almost identical values, love the same music, etc. But the stretching the legs over mine thing is something I’ve only experienced with girls and generally meant that they were attracted to me, and sometimes lead to sex. I hope that you’ve gathered that I have no issue with homosexuality, but I fear intensely that he is attracted to me.
I am very sensitive to talking about relationships because of my past and some unfortunate occurrences with my brother (he has never had a relationship). I generally dislike doing it because I'm aware the person I’m talking to may not be as fortunate to have had a meaningful relationship in their life (my brother as an example). This characteristic may have leaded my friend to think that I was gay as well. I said that I fear that my friend is attracted to me not because I’m homophobic, but because some day he may ask if I feel the same way that he does about me, and I don’t want to see the look in his eyes when I tell him that I’m not gay. In other words, I just don’t want to hurt him.
I have a genuine want for him to be happy and to find a person that he can be secure and romantic with regardless of gender. I have cried a few times at night thinking about how lonely and afraid he must be. He told me last week that he wanted to move back to Utah. I’m assuming he wants to do this because he wants to go back to where he had his first and only homoerotic experience. I would be truly saddened if he did, and I’ve been searching for the words to tell him this past week. I’m not really looking for advice or a confirmation of action because I have tried in many ways to make him feel secure about his sexuality. I’m not even entirely certain he is gay; I’m just going by what he’s told me and how he acts. I might just be over thinking it all, but I care too much not to have the situation plaguing my mind.
I just really wanted to get all the words out of my head. If you've read it all, thank you.
