For me it was more of a feeling of being alone, disconnected, discontent, despair, confussion and many other
feelings all bundled up. The worst part about it is..I seek releave but nothing I do will remove that pain.
When i get like that...it's a visouse cycle becuase I rather not be around anyone and isolate.
I don't want pity...Pity makes me feel more like crap. I'm very vaulital when I'm in that state...
In other words I'm very sensitive. I don't think clearly. Anything can set me off or trigger a lot
emotions inside of me and I'll react not so good...which is why I don't want to be around people when
I'm in that state of being...I know I'm not WELL and all torn up on the inside...but on the outside
I look like any normal person.
I also get into a phase where I wished not to be touched, fixed, or spoken to...
Bascailly in a nutzshell....Leave me the fresia alone. Let me drown in my own fucken misery and pains.
When i want help I'll ask for help or I'll let you fucken know.
A sick insane attitude with a sort of chip on my shoulders.
Mellow drammatic is what some people term it.
Yes i cry about it....that's when the healing begins.
Sometimes I have to sit still, process and feel everything.
Sometimes i wish it can all get remove from me in one session...but it dosn't happen that way for me.
My anxieties come in waves.
I have a alot of deep personal issues I had to work through...feeling alone is just a by product, symtoms.
To get to the root of my problems...I had to face my deamon or fears.
Wheather they be truama, abused, abandonment, grieving, hate....etc.
Open up a can of worms...
Get honest with myself...call a spade for a spade. No longer living in denial.
Peel the layers of pains, guilt, shames, insanity from with inside of me.
Romove the pains and sorrows out of me...wheather it be my faults or the fualts of others.
It dosn't matter...The blame game is over. Time to clean house.
Clear my heart and mind. Release, let go, forgive...whatever gets me to piont of BEING WELL.
I stay honest, open and willing.
I read a lot and write alot...that's one of the reasons why my post are long...
It's thraputic of me in many ways
I reach out to people and ask for help..(after i sat in my own honeysuckle for a while to have had enough of my pains.)
I follow simple instructions. My sponsor is an MD...he's not going to hurt me or used me..I build my trust again.
I attend my support groups...at first I hated it...I hated being around humans or anyone. I was comfortiable
of being disconnected. Slowly I allow more people into my life.
For me...It's always the love of GOD that's healed me and carried me through everything in my life.
When I allow GOD into my life...I don't feel empty , lonely , lost or hurted.
That's my experience, that's my belief, that's my truth...That's what works for me.
I don't think others should have to belive in GOD or an HP.
Do what works for you.
No it's not the same as when I'm well...
I have a lot of good memories and experiences in my life..Or being WLL
They out wieght the bad times.
I simply just need to sit down and write about them or make a list of them.
My life wasn't all bad..it never was. I need to remember that when I get depressed or feel lonely.
This help counter balance or get's me out of a rut of having negative thoughts.
lets see...some of my joyfull moments.
My youngest step duaghter ( 6 years old at the time)and I stood in line again to get on Space mountain.
We both having a blast...laughing and joking around just being ourslves.
The moments Sheryl and I would have water guns fight or throw confetie all over the house
Wrestle each other on the living floor being little kids...as our childred stands there and say...
"Errr ?..mommy and daddy...you guys are wierd".lmao
Or when I used to haul ass home during lunch just to go have sex with my wife
Or the day my daughter was borned ..As much as my wife and I were having problems
That day was a speccial day..We both stopped fighting each other and just held and love our child.
Or the day my wife just decided to lean back into me and let me hold her as she was changing the baby.
Even though her mom was threaten me and sayng all kinds of bullshit 5 mins before.
Michelle loves me inspite of all that bullshit. She was being herself as was I in that moment and fresia
what anybody thinks...
Or the day the my best friend and 2 other friends ditch work all day.
We left the crew in charge...lmao (it's nice to be the boss)
We went goat kart racing for the enitre day and had a great time.
My friend spund me out on the frist race...On the next race, I T boned his ass
I saw the frighten look in his eyes as I slammed my pedal to the metal..lmao
As a child ...even though i didn't have a great relationship with my father.
My father used to take me fishing almost every weekend.
When my father build me a couple of models rockets and took me to go luanch them.
When my father sat down and taught me how to make my first chord on my guitar.
When I used to rush to my mother...waiting for her to come home from work.
No matter how tired she was..she picked me up and pulled a toy out of her basket for me.
Even today. I spent 10 mins playing with a 3 year old kid.
She made me laugh the entire time...I could barely understand her speach at first but after I slowed
down , i was able to comprehend her baby talk. She was playing guess what i have in my hand..lmao
I kicked her behind her knees to make her legs buckle...
She turned around and kicked me over and over again...lmao
Her mom is a hawty
I never thought I was totally losing it to begin with anyways when my life took a trun for fun..lmao
In the back of my mind ...i knew I'd come out of it eventually.
I took whatever i was going through as a journey or chapter in my life...
Yes..my ass did fall off.
Life is a trip...that's my attitude or general attitude.