How does a guy deal with a beater girlfriend?

[bleed_the_freak]

I've been sexually assaulted twice. Once by a female police officer and once by a female manager at work. I don't mean harassed. I literally mean assaulted. When I reported the police officer, her boss told me "Good luck with that." and when I asked a few coworkers about the manager, they said "You should feel lucky. She's hot."

It's a man's world, huh...

I think even a female would get told that when accusing most cops....well, maybe not since the whole Hollywood thing sparked off, but yeah, some cops seem to have their own rules. 

The other situation about feeling lucky, I've actually heard people say that to women too.

You've heard people tell a woman "You are lucky" when a male manager walked up and grabbed her by the genitals and said "What are you going to do about it?" 

 

[TheRealCallie]

I've been sexually assaulted twice. Once by a female police officer and once by a female manager at work. I don't mean harassed. I literally mean assaulted. When I reported the police officer, her boss told me "Good luck with that." and when I asked a few coworkers about the manager, they said "You should feel lucky. She's hot."

It's a man's world, huh...

I think even a female would get told that when accusing most cops....well, maybe not since the whole Hollywood thing sparked off, but yeah, some cops seem to have their own rules. 

The other situation about feeling lucky, I've actually heard people say that to women too.

You've heard people tell a woman "You are lucky" when a male manager walked up and grabbed her by the genitals and said "What are you going to do about it?" 

Similar situations, yes

 

[bleed_the_freak]

I've been sexually assaulted twice. Once by a female police officer and once by a female manager at work. I don't mean harassed. I literally mean assaulted. When I reported the police officer, her boss told me "Good luck with that." and when I asked a few coworkers about the manager, they said "You should feel lucky. She's hot."

It's a man's world, huh...

I think even a female would get told that when accusing most cops....well, maybe not since the whole Hollywood thing sparked off, but yeah, some cops seem to have their own rules. 

The other situation about feeling lucky, I've actually heard people say that to women too.

You've heard people tell a woman "You are lucky" when a male manager walked up and grabbed her by the genitals and said "What are you going to do about it?" 

Similar situations, yes

Wow! What did the victims do in those circumstances that were shared with you?

 

[DarkSelene]

 

[M_also_lonely]

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/359528980124008458/382200576194248704/1479176870855.gif

 

[ardour]

nevermind..

 

[littlefish1555]

Back to your original question- aside from the obvious, accurate but a bit too easy advice to "leave" (as if you haven't considered that already and decided not to for whatever reason), have you sat her down and told her something along the lines of "this is not a behavior I will ever tolerate again in a relationship, you need to seek help for your rage and violence issues and never touch me again violently or I will call the police and/ or leave you"? 

If you're not going to leave, and you want to give her a real chance to stop the insanty, IMO you do need to take control of your part in the unhealthiness of the relationship, which is allowing this to go on.  I'm not saying you enable this, but the fact that it has happened more than a few times, it sounds like you could potentially be setting a precedent that this is somehow ok or an acceptable way to behave.  Make her know this will not be tolerated. If that means actually following through and packing your honeysuckle the next time this happens, you may have to so that she seeks help.  But give her the fair warning.  The chance to reflect and get it together.  Not everyone who gets abusive is a psychopath, something just went wrong somewhere in the relationship dynamic.  

Tell her it stops now, in a calm moment tell her that you will not be physically abused by someone who claims to love you, and the next time she lays her hands on you, you will be gone.  If she gives a fck about the relationship or keeping you loving her, she will try to change.  No one will love someone who hurts them for long.  You will find someone better eventually if she can't be what you deserve (safe).  I am not meaning to excuse her abuse, but there are so many parts of your relationship that we don't know, and only you know if it's worth saving.  People who lash out violently are trying to feel in control, what about her life or your dynamic is making her careen into this way of coping?   She is responsible for herself and you are responsible for yourself.  Do not allow someone to physically lash out at you like it's normal because it's not. There are consequences for hurting someone like that.    I do believe people can change but she may need to get some real help, not from you.  Ever consider couples counselling or independent counseling for her?

 

[ardour]

Back to your original question- aside from the obvious, accurate but a bit too easy advice to "leave" (as if you haven't considered that already and decided not to for whatever reason), have you sat her down and told her something along the lines of "this is not a behavior I will ever tolerate again in a relationship, you need to seek help for your rage and violence issues and never touch me again violently or I will call the police and/ or leave you"? 

If you're not going to leave, and you want to give her a real chance to stop the insanty, IMO you do need to take control of your part in the unhealthiness of the relationship, which is allowing this to go on.  I'm not saying you enable this, but the fact that it has happened more than a few times, it sounds like you could potentially be setting a precedent that this is somehow ok or an acceptable way to behave.  Make her know this will not be tolerated. If that means actually following through and packing your honeysuckle the next time this happens, you may have to so that she seeks help.  But give her the fair warning.  The chance to reflect and get it together.  Not everyone who gets abusive is a psychopath, something just went wrong somewhere in the relationship dynamic.  

Tell her it stops now, in a calm moment tell her that you will not be physically abused by someone who claims to love you, and the next time she lays her hands on you, you will be gone.  If she gives a fck about the relationship or keeping you loving her, she will try to change.  No one will love someone who hurts them for long.  You will find someone better eventually if she can't be what you deserve (safe).  I am not meaning to excuse her abuse, but there are so many parts of your relationship that we don't know, and only you know if it's worth saving.  People who lash out violently are trying to feel in control, what about her life or your dynamic is making her careen into this way of coping?   She is responsible for herself and you are responsible for yourself.  Do not allow someone to physically lash out at you like it's normal because it's not. There are consequences for hurting someone like that.    I do believe people can change but she may need to get some real help, not from you.  Ever consider couples counselling or independent counseling for her?

The fact that they're still together doesn't necessarily mean he's seriously considered leaving. People who experience domestic violence often suffer from low self-worth, think no-one else will "love" them and/or are co-dependent.

I really doubt you would you offer the same counsel to a woman experiencing ongoing violence from a partner. Benefit of the doubt might be being offered reflexively here because the abuser is female. And aside form the imminent danger aspect, by this stage a rational person might question whether what's left of the relationship is even worth saving. She's already shown him that she thinks it's okay through multiple instances of this. Suddenly that's going to change with just an ultimatum, that, if anything might spark another assault?

Maybe some people can change, but to be considered genuine it would have to involve accepting full responsibility, and agreeing to counselling in the process. From what we can tell from her behavior (zero remorse expressed, for one thing), it doesn't seem very likely.

 

[littlefish1555]

Back to your original question- aside from the obvious, accurate but a bit too easy advice to "leave" (as if you haven't considered that already and decided not to for whatever reason), have you sat her down and told her something along the lines of "this is not a behavior I will ever tolerate again in a relationship, you need to seek help for your rage and violence issues and never touch me again violently or I will call the police and/ or leave you"? 

If you're not going to leave, and you want to give her a real chance to stop the insanty, IMO you do need to take control of your part in the unhealthiness of the relationship, which is allowing this to go on.  I'm not saying you enable this, but the fact that it has happened more than a few times, it sounds like you could potentially be setting a precedent that this is somehow ok or an acceptable way to behave.  Make her know this will not be tolerated. If that means actually following through and packing your honeysuckle the next time this happens, you may have to so that she seeks help.  But give her the fair warning.  The chance to reflect and get it together.  Not everyone who gets abusive is a psychopath, something just went wrong somewhere in the relationship dynamic.  

Tell her it stops now, in a calm moment tell her that you will not be physically abused by someone who claims to love you, and the next time she lays her hands on you, you will be gone.  If she gives a fck about the relationship or keeping you loving her, she will try to change.  No one will love someone who hurts them for long.  You will find someone better eventually if she can't be what you deserve (safe).  I am not meaning to excuse her abuse, but there are so many parts of your relationship that we don't know, and only you know if it's worth saving.  People who lash out violently are trying to feel in control, what about her life or your dynamic is making her careen into this way of coping?   She is responsible for herself and you are responsible for yourself.  Do not allow someone to physically lash out at you like it's normal because it's not. There are consequences for hurting someone like that.    I do believe people can change but she may need to get some real help, not from you.  Ever consider couples counselling or independent counseling for her?

The fact that they're still together doesn't necessarily mean he's seriously considered leaving.   People who experience domestic violence often suffer from low self-worth,  think no-one else will "love" them and/or are co-dependent.

I really doubt you would you offer the same counsel to a woman experiencing ongoing violence from a partner. Benefit of the doubt might be being offered reflexively here because the abuser is female. And sside form the imminent danger aspect, by this stage a rational person might question whether what's left of the relationship is even worth saving. She's already shown him that she thinks it's okay through multiple instances of this. Suddenly that's going to changing with just an ultimatum, that, if anything might spark another assault?

Maybe some people can change, but to be considered genuine it would have to involve accepting full responsibility, while probably agreeing to counselling in the process. From what we can tell from her behavior  (zero remorse expressed, for one thing), it doesn't seem very likely.

you're probably right that i'm extending some benefit of the doubt because of her gender, but I'm a big believer in giving anyone the benefit of the doubt until you're sure the person is downright dangerous narcissist or worse.   but also because the poster didn't say 'help get me out of here" and sounds like a pretty rational person who probably still loves this person.  Any input OP? Do you think it's worth all the effort and risk to see if she can change the abusive patterns? 

 I think a lot of people in abusive relationships don't leave for reasons, and even domestic violence hotlines and counselors kind of halt all advice after the initial and only advice to leave.  It's got to be some kind of professional negligence protection thing, like you can't encourage someone to stay with someone who might accidentally or on purpose kill them, so once there is proof of abuse all they can tell you is get out. It is the best advice, but it's not often taken.   Sometimes people don't leave.  Does that mean they have to sign up for a life of abuse or can't there be other approaches?  Even if there's a only the tiniest smidgen of hope for change, I think it's important to demand for it if you choose to stay in the relationship.  so I think for someone who is going to stay with someone who reacts or has reacted violently, it's important to look at what proactive steps can be taken within the relationship, until and if they get out of it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

nevermind..

Your obsession with me is flattering. Do be careful not to fall over the creepiness line. 

 

[DarkSelene]

^ Exact type of thing that if anyone ever said to you, would get a warning from Nilla.

 

[ardour]

nevermind..

Your obsession with me is flattering. Do be careful not to fall over the creepiness line. 

I don't have an obsession with you. I think you're here to troll and your 'input' is often cruel and dismissive and people going through serious problems. I've said it; others have as well.

Nice attempt at slander BTW.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Okay this thread has been going nowhere and now you people are bickering and picking at each other, time for it to come to an end.

 

[VanillaCreme]

^ Exact type of thing that if anyone ever said to you, would get a warning from Nilla.

Probably not. That post was reported, and for what, I don't know. If you have a problem with me, say it. I have no idea why you want to target me, because you don't know me at all, and you certainly don't know my intentions for anything.