How not to get angry when you are being ingored

[Restless soul]

Because maybe this time they might just decide to

 

[TheRealCallie]

Because maybe this time they might just decide to

Instead of obsessing over the people who no longer talk to you, figure out what you are doing that is making them no longer talk to you.  You're obsessing over the wrong honeysuckle.

 

[Restless soul]

Oh, I do that too.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You know what else you do? People have already said it before, but I'm sure you missed it. Repeat the same questions over and over again, again for advice, yet never utilizing it. You read it, you argue it, you question it, then you make a new thread, which ends up being about the same thing.

 

[Restless soul]

I know. But i try not to make a new thread unless its an entirely different topic.

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I just can't ignore certain people like they ignore me. Not sure why

 

[TheRealCallie]

They don't want to talk to you, that's not YOU ignoring them, that's THEM telling you they don't want to talk to you. That's them telling you to leave them alone

 

[Restless soul]

They don't want to talk to you, that's not YOU ignoring them, that's THEM telling you they don't want to talk to you.  That's them telling you to leave them alone

Ok. Let me rephrase. I can't seem to leave alone the people who ignore me..

 

[TheRealCallie]

Because you want control.

 

[Restless soul]

Because you want control.

Oh right, that must be it! Really??

---

No. That can't be true. I won't believe it

---

Amy? What do you say?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Fine, if not that, what?

---

You go look at every single one of your issues/threads. Tell me they aren't all about control....

 

[Restless soul]

Fine, if not that, what?

Is that something deeper rooted? Control really opening another topic. And playing into ocd symptoms when you use that word. But it could be a tiny part of it. Not all. Because that makes me sound really narcissistic. And its more complex than that.

---

But interesting word of choice

---

Why do reach out to these people?

If I said i like them? Does that sound weak pathetic ?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm not a shrink. Go ask one.

 

[Restless soul]

I'm not a shrink.  Go ask one.

Ever consider getting into the field?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm not a shrink.  Go ask one.

Ever consider getting into the field?

No, not really

 

[stratamaster78]

This thread has become a bit confusing. I'm going to take a stab at trying to figure out your dilemma though....

So basically you are saying that with Online Dating/Texting/Phone calls... you feel this way:

1) If someone is not interested in you AT ALL, you would prefer to not get a message from them or at least not one phrased like a rejection. You only want contact that's positive. But either way if you never hear anything you still kind of feel ignored.

2) If someone IS maybe interested in you at 1st and you begin texting a bit and seem to be getting along....BUT THEN they Ghost you...you would like a response as to why? You would rather be told anything at this point (even something hurtful) instead of being ignored completely.

3) You are unsure if your actions through texting may be causing the #2 Dilemma where you think you've said something wrong to cause the Ghosting. What is the right social protocol to navigate the 'game' that is texting?

Assuming I've understood all that right.... these would be my suggestions:

For Dilemma #1 - Don't worry about whether you hear from other people or not. If people aren't interested they just aren't.... and most women get TONS of messages from guys on Dating sites so it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to have the time to respond to everyone they are and/or aren't interested in.....so don't even worry about this part. If they are interested they will make contact OR respond to your 1st attempt at contact which is most likely. The guy has to reach out first on Dating sites.

For Dilemma #2 - I can understand how this is frustrating. Being Ghosted really sucks. But what I'm coming to terms with is no matter what the reason is/was for being given the cold shoulder...ALL that matters and that you can know.... is that person is just NOT interested in 'you' ANYMORE. If they were... one wouldn't have to worry why they suddenly went silent 'zero dark thirty' and cold.... because they would still be texting and talking to you if they liked you. Just look at it as they stopped liking you, and it's easier albeit cowardly for them to avoid you now. They don't have the guts to be an adult and tell someone they aren't interested in (like they once were) them and are moving on now. Screw-em. Just move on to the next person who IS interested.

For Dilemma #3 - We ALL wish we could figure the 'game' of texting out. Men and Women can play mind games here. If you go on a date or have a nice conversation or more...Do you text the next day? Wait 2 days......3 Days?. Who knows? What most people say is that you never let more than 1-2 days go by without texting or the other person will assume you aren't interested and move on to somebody else. BUT....you can't text too much or too often because you will come across as needy. BUT.... If you don't text enough it comes across and distant and uninterested. It's mind numbing for sure. You kind of just have to go with your guts. Don't text too much or too little....just what your intuition dictates.

As for WHAT you say IN the texts....Well yeah that means more than anything. But honestly there is just no way to know what you said specifically that may have triggered the disinterest/turnoff and subsequent Ghosting. It could have been something offensive, or maybe after enough time they just don't think they have enough in common with you, or maybe they saw some personality traits that scare them off based on their own trauma's and past experiences or maybe they just like another new person better? There is just no way to know without them telling you.

So again. Just be true to who you are and don't worry or get angry about people who 'Ghost'. The best and only thing you can do is ignore and forget about them. Maybe the distance makes them come back but it probably doesn't. There's no way to 'redeem' yourself or 'trick' to get the person to be interested again.

All easier said than done I know. I've struggled with some of this stuff before/recently too......but this is the condensed general advice most people have given me. Hopefully it applies and helps you some. It's helped me put things into perspective.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Hey strata, what would your initial message to someone be?

 

[Restless soul]

This thread has become a bit confusing. I'm going to take a stab at trying to figure out your dilemma though....

So basically you are saying that with Online Dating/Texting/Phone calls... you feel this way:

1) If someone is not interested in you AT ALL, you would prefer to not get a message from them or at least not one phrased like a rejection. You only want contact that's positive. But either way if you never hear anything you still kind of feel ignored.

2) If someone IS maybe interested in you at 1st and you begin texting a bit and seem to be getting along....BUT THEN they Ghost you...you would like a response as to why? You would rather be told anything at this point (even something hurtful) instead of being ignored completely.

3) You are unsure if your actions through texting may be causing the #2 Dilemma where you think you've said something wrong to cause the Ghosting. What is the right social protocol to navigate the 'game' that is texting?

Assuming I've understood all that right.... these would be my suggestions:

For Dilemma #1 - Don't worry about whether you hear from other people or not. If people aren't interested they just aren't.... and most women get TONS of messages from guys on Dating sites so it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to have the time to respond to everyone they are and/or aren't interested in.....so don't even worry about this part. If they are interested they will make contact OR respond to your 1st attempt at contact which is most likely. The guy has to reach out first on Dating sites.

For Dilemma #2 - I can understand how this is frustrating. Being Ghosted really sucks. But what I'm coming to terms with is no matter what the reason is/was for being given the cold shoulder...ALL that matters and that you can know.... is that person is just NOT interested in 'you' ANYMORE. If they were... one wouldn't have to worry why they suddenly went silent 'zero dark thirty' and cold.... because they would still be texting and talking to you if they liked you. Just look at it as they stopped liking you, and it's easier albeit cowardly for them to avoid you now. They don't have the guts to be an adult and tell someone they aren't interested in (like they once were) them and are moving on now. Screw-em. Just move on to the next person who IS interested.

For Dilemma #3 - We ALL wish we could figure the 'game' of texting out. Men and Women can play mind games here. If you go on a date or have a nice conversation or more...Do you text the next day? Wait 2 days......3 Days?. Who knows? What most people say is that you never let more than 1-2 days go by without texting or the other person will assume you aren't interested and move on to somebody else. BUT....you can't text too much or too often because you will come across as needy. BUT.... If you don't text enough it comes across and distant and uninterested. It's mind numbing for sure. You kind of just have to go with your guts. Don't text too much or too little....just what your intuition dictates.

As for WHAT you say IN the texts....Well yeah that means more than anything. But honestly there is just no way to know what you said specifically that may have triggered the disinterest/turnoff and subsequent Ghosting. It could have been something offensive, or maybe after enough time they just don't think they have enough in common with you, or maybe they saw some personality traits that scare them off based on their own trauma's and past experiences or maybe they just like another new person better? There is just no way to know without them telling you.

So again. Just be true to who you are and don't worry or get angry about people who 'Ghost'. The best and only thing you can do is ignore and forget about them. Maybe the distance makes them come back but it probably doesn't. There's no way to 'redeem' yourself or 'trick' to get the person to be interested again.  

All easier said than done I know. I've struggled with some of this stuff before/recently too......but this is the condensed general advice most people have given me. Hopefully it applies and helps you some. It's helped me put things into perspective.

Once again,  thanks for that well thought out reply. To make everyone happy here, especially callie. I will reread it about 20 times see if some of that sinks in....oh boy!!

---

He hit allnthe points right on.

 

[stratamaster78]

Hey strata, what would your initial message to someone be?

Well I can't give a specific example. I would read the person's profile to see what their interests are in and then message them by saying some form of 'Hello/Hi/Hey/What's up/How's it going/.....etc and then point out I noticed a certain thing I see they are interested in and try to maybe ask a funny question or make an absurd/humorous statement about that hobby/interest.... which could make them laugh and grab their attention and in turn make them curious to reply. Kind of like setting up a joke.....but in a way that let's them deliver a funnier response/punchline if they are interested.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Thank you

 

[Restless soul]

I read your bio strata, we are the same age. And have some things in common