How to deal with being incredibly awkward and self-critical?

[ensom]

Hi all,

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice, but I'd assume a lot of you are here for similar reasons.

A big problem I have is that the bulk of my social interactions seem to be followed by sometimes days of severe inner criticism that leaves me feeling very depressed and discouraged.

I attribute this to the fact that I make a lot of social mistakes because I'm nervous a lot of the time when speaking with new people (which I must do on a daily basis where I work).

After social interactions, I continuously reflect on them and focus on what I did wrong, what I should have done differently, etc. I have tried keeping my mind occupied with other things and diverting my thoughts to something else and this works to an extent, but I often find myself reflecting on these situations later. I mean, there are social situations from months ago I still think about sometimes and criticize myself.

This has been an issue my whole life and I think it's one of the big reasons for the sorry state of my social life. I've improved a bit, but I still don't think this is the way a normal person should feel. Despite being a very lonely person, most of my social interactions actually make me feel considerably worse because of this.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.

 

[SophiaGrace]

IT sounds like Social Anxiety.

You might want to get help for that anxiety since it seems to be negatively affecting your quality of life.

Btw i love your avatar. It's quite pretty.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi ensom, I can identify with you as I am the same. I analyse what I have said and I also worry if I blushed or about whatever facial expression I might have displayed when talking to someone. At present I am worried about something I said just over a week ago in front of the writing group I go to.

 

[ensom]

Thanks for the replies, you two.

SophiaGrace - From reading the wikipedia article on SAD it does sound like that's what I'm experiencing, at least a milder form of it.

I only really experience this when interacting with people who I want to like me or am unsure of their opinion of me. I'm fine with family, friends, and strangers I know I'm unlikely to ever encounter again.

Perhaps it would be worth seeing a therapist of some sort. But I'd like to know what kind of therapy is available out there for social anxiety. If at all possible I would like to avoid medication due to the potential side effects that come with it. I'm not sure if there's a cognitive solution or something.

Thanks for the comment on the avatar. It's nice but I didn't make it or anything. I nicked it from someone on some forum sometime ago :\

Tiina63 - It sucks, doesn't it? Hopefully we'll find solace with ourselves someday.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Just google negative self talk.
You can replace your negative inner voice. Everyone have this inner vioce or internal dialog.
Observe your mind or vioce. Take time to get to know yourself...beyoung what you like or dont like..
Know how your mind works.

No human is better than you. Everybody are all humans. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake.
Learn how to laugh at yourself.

Stop comparing or competing with other people..

You might look into your childhood. How you were raise. Maybe your parents or care taker where
very criticle of you or you got punish for spilling milk.
If so, you were conditioned to respond to life as such.

You can recondition yourself or reprogram yourself anytime you wish...
Old ideas or unworkable beliefs.

When i say beliefs...Im not speaking about religion...Im talking about your beliefs or how you view life.
Though some religion over empishize guilt and shame or the idea of perfection.
If you're less than perfect then you freak. Then focus in to that and play it over and over again in your head or obsess.
BascaILLY your punishing yourself or beating up on yourself.

The past is gone it's over...Let go. Release it


In other words keep an openmind

 

[Todd]

A lot of times people are addicted to approval from their peers. I know for myself that I had to feel worthy in my eyes to not care about what people thought about me or how my peers perceived me in any given social situation. Once I did that I began to feel a release from wondering what I did wrong in a social situation or why I said this or that in the social gathering. I just had to let it go and move on with my life. I was so tired of giving my energy to negative mental situations. I really had to turn over a new leaf and just learn how to deal with my environment. I began reading Self Help books, which worked for me. I still pick up those books to make sure that I am still on track. I have my ups and downs, peaks and valleys. It truly is a process to reprogram your mind. All of us are different and all of us will find our own coping mechanism with our inward struggles.

 

[Bluey]

By the sounds of it your continuously reflecting back on things that have gone and been already said and done makes it sound like you care to much about what other people think of you.

I think you need to care less about what others think and just learn to enjoy being in the moment.
Everybody dose stupid and dumb things. Learn to laugh at yourself and be laid back about the dumb stuff.
Your not ever going to be able to tern back time. So just accept what ever it is your beating on yourself about and move on.

If your really giving yourself a hard time all the time over just being yourself then maybe some therapy can help.
You may only need a few settings and it could be money well spent.

If you look at people around you I think you well see the happiest once are them that don't care what others think. After all you should only care what one person thinks in your life and that of course is yourself.

 

[JamaisVu]

If you have to impress a group of people, they may see someone who is blushing, unsure of what to say, choosing words poorly, someone who is clearly uncomfortable. They may not hire you to deliver any speeches, but they'll accept that you're somewhat shy and nervous, but otherwise a nice person and they won't really fault you for it because they know what it's like to be nervous.

There's awkward silences, uncomfortable smalltalk, overly-repeated words. Everyone does it, especially when they're nervous. A few people seem to excel at the art of elevator conversations, but for the rest of us it just takes time for the conversation to flow naturally. If the exchange is too short, that may not happen. People are going to focus on the overall impression rather than dwell on the little mistakes, try not be your harshest judge.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

The negative vioce article helped me a lot.
I didnt notice that negative or selience criticle vioce in the back ground.
Its very subtle. it also help explain why I acted and felt certain way..subconsiously.
Sometimes it's just a very, very bad feeling that just comes up.

Anyway, I was just talking a simple stroll at a park oneday.
There's wasnt anything bad happening in my life at that time.
Actaully my life was going good. I had a great job and my girl friend
and wernt fighting....nothing bad or sad.

As i was walking...bascailly a sort of meditations for me.
Silencing my mind.

Then out of fucken nowhere negative thoughts and feelings
just popped in my fucken head.
Then I started to feel anxities for no particular reasons...and very
very bad about myself. Very criticle of myself such as not being
good enough or Im always a fresia up...blah..blah

I just observed it. ( i was like wow...this is a trip).
As I said..I was just taking a simple stroll or exercise walk after work.
A very beautiful evening.

The vioce was very, very subltle...very faint.
It came in a vioce of my abusive father.
My father was very criticle and abusive to me.
Years and years of living through that abuse and the negative honeysuckle he would say
to me....it kind of got ingrainned into me...or i ran with all the negative honeysuckle
he was telling me. It became my beliefs system. It ran on auto pilot in my head.

I was never good enough for my father. I spent a better half of my life trying
to seek his approval and love. These behaviors also effects other area in my life..
Such as relationships with partners...or warrying what otheres thinks about me...
I always worried what my father thought of me...but he's a very hateful man towards me.
it's all part of the abuse. The man abused me..so me beats me more to make
feel bad about myself and tells everyone else that I sucked. Such as pionting
out all of my flaws , mistakes...etc..etc
All my life..my father havnt said one nice word to me. He wasnt encouraging that's for
**** sure.

So being over criticle or judging myself (actions) is just me following intructions of that silence
voice...For me.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hi all,

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice, but I'd assume a lot of you are here for similar reasons.

A big problem I have is that the bulk of my social interactions seem to be followed by sometimes days of severe inner criticism that leaves me feeling very depressed and discouraged.

I attribute this to the fact that I make a lot of social mistakes because I'm nervous a lot of the time when speaking with new people (which I must do on a daily basis where I work).

After social interactions, I continuously reflect on them and focus on what I did wrong, what I should have done differently, etc. I have tried keeping my mind occupied with other things and diverting my thoughts to something else and this works to an extent, but I often find myself reflecting on these situations later. I mean, there are social situations from months ago I still think about sometimes and criticize myself.

This has been an issue my whole life and I think it's one of the big reasons for the sorry state of my social life. I've improved a bit, but I still don't think this is the way a normal person should feel. Despite being a very lonely person, most of my social interactions actually make me feel considerably worse because of this.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.

I have a very similar view of my social actions. I posted this in another thread, but I think it's appropriate here.

I went to this party thing a while back. I had a girl come over and introduce herself to me - but I was so shy I sort of said a few words and then disappeared. Then I spent the rest of the evening talking to people, etc. but generally felt disengaged.

Came home, just sat in silence and felt absolutely awful, like a total social failure.

Found out when I asked a friend the next day that everyone was just pleased I was there and chatting away. They hadn't even found anything wrong with my behaviour - all was well. I didn't see that girl again, but I don't think I upset her or anything. It was all in my mind.

It's even at the point where I'll have a 10 second conversation with a cashier, then walk away kicking myself for imagined unfriendliness.

One thing that's helped is that I try to realise that other people aren't thinking about my behaviour nearly as much as I am 99% of the time. Once you understand that other people just see chatting as much more casual, it's not such a big deal and it's easier to just relax and forget about anything you think you "may" have done wrong.

General rule of thumb - if people are laughing, smiling or whatever, forget worrying about things as much as you can. Only worry if your comments gain shocked gasps or looks of horror from the audience. That's my policy now anyway

 

[skinny dude]

hey dude,

i am not the best person 2 reply 2 u becuase i feel the same... but i have gotten better...

i ama 25 yr old male, i worked in a job where i had 2 talk 2 people.
i think i remember reading u have 2 talk 4 work.


so here goes what i learnt and i hope u might benefit from it.

when talking to people one on one, try to concentrate a little on your breathing... breath so ur heart beat stays down... the less oxegen u have the slower ur heart rate.

the next thing i do then is 2 listen.. listen to everything they say.. try to pick up on things that seem 2 spike there interest.
for example. talking 2 a lady...
me. do you have much planned for the weekend.
lady. o not much just got 2 drive my kids around
me. o so how old are your kids?

(notice how i picked up on the kids thing, the next question i got is, how many kids, boy or girl? ect)

then hopefully she will start talking about some personal experience that happend 2 her kids

the next hing on my list of talking is my tone... i try hard to keep a quite tone, dont talk to fast and talk gently

then i think about my body launguage... i try to stand at a slight angle so im not faceing them head on (standing face on is intimidating i hear)

then the next thing is not to talk about urself. if u say anything about yourself keep it to under 10 seconds. and only say neutral things.

for example. if the person starts talking about football (i hate football) i just say i missed the last game... i dont say i hate it... i dont say i love it... i tryed 2 remain neutral

then the next step is... bail... when it goes quite.... say u need 2 grab a drink... and get the hell outa there b4 u make it more awkward

then after u were brave and spoke to a person u can go off and think about how much of a loser u have become in private so no1 knows.... (thats what i do)

things to keep in mind

1.breating
2. dont talk about urself
3. tone.
4. body launguge
5. bail

just remember people dont care about you and u were a fool for thinking that they will, remember ur going home by urself and it will always be like that so don't expect anything differnt

life sucks peace out!

 

[guld]

I do this a lot, me too. I used to do it more in the past, but the impulse to do it is still there.

In the end, I think the easiest (though not easy) solution is to decide that whatever comes to your mind when talking to someone, is what you should be saying, and nothing else. I know it's really hard, since I'm struggling with it myself, but I think this is the best way to start in order to turn social interaction into something that gives you a positive emotional feedback. If you offer people your true self, the ones that will stay around will be the ones that appreciate you for the person that you really are, and you leap a smaller risk of getting actual negative feedback when you're out there, in the situations that you'll later reflect back on. So I'm figuring; in order to stop worrying, be disciplined with yourself - try to decide that it's not you who are failing when social interaction feels wrong. I know I would have thought of this as a big load of crap a couple of months ago, reasoning that feelings can't be "disciplined" - what you feel is what you feel - but this is the strategy that I'm going for now, and it works quite well . And even if it doesn't work right away, I think it helps you create a better image of yourself, in the long run.

---

A comment on your thoughts about potential treatment, by the way;

I've gone to a couple of therapists in order to deal with the same problem as you (as well as actually not being able to make any friends, due to all of the anxiety - I don't know if it's the same with you).

The therapist I had before my last one worked with CBT, and so the methods that we used were all based on the idea that the mere action of talking to people, being with people, and so on, would lessen my anxiety connected to it. This wasn't a particularily successful approach, since the reason for me experiencing social interaction so negatively came from a crooked self-perception (which of course didn't change with the amount of situations that I experienced it in, since my experience always was bad).

After that, I changed to a therapist working with psychosociological treatment methods instead, where the focus was laid on why I would perceive things the way that I do, and how these ways could be changed. My therapist (who I later found out was the wife of my previous one) spent about 1,5 hours just to get to know my story, my memories of certain periods of my life, and so on, to get an idea of why I, specifically, would react in the ways that I do. And this way of working with the problem really helped me analyze my own way of responding, intellectually, to social interaction, in a way that I don't think I could have done on my own.

So I think it's a really good idea, having someone to talk to who has a lot of knowledge on the subject and who can provide you with some useful ways of reflecting on your problem, and with whom you can analyze your own reflections with.

 

[ensom]

Thanks for the replies and tips everyone.

Those of you who said I put too much stock in what my peers think of me are absolutely correct. The root of this I think is my poor self-image, which I've held for as long as I can remember. The idea of being comfortable being me just seems so foreign at this point.

I'm aware that replaying and analyzing past social situations in my mind accomplishes nothing and is detrimental behavior. Even though I can rationalize it this way, I still do it.

As I mentioned in my original post, I've come to the conclusion that this tendency is one of the primary causes of my loneliness, in that it prevents me from putting myself out there and meeting new people. I shrink away from social situations because I want to avoid creating more awkward memories that I will later replay and analyze in my mind ad nauseam.

guld - Thanks for sharing your experiences with therapy. I'm in the process of looking into therapy for this issue myself. It seems like a therapist working with the second set of methods you describe would be most beneficial to me.

With any luck therapy will ease the burden of this tendency. I really don't know why I've waited this long to seek help.

 

[guld]

I'm glad I could help

 

[paulo]

being a little autistic i know a lot of the uncomfortable encounters have something to do with me.
and that used to (and still does a little) make me verry insecure.
a lot of thinking about what i did or should have done different.

but i also realised that no one really knows what theyre doing.
they just act like they do, or think they do but just mess up all the same.
a confidence or ignorance thing i guess
wich makes me doubt myself alot cause they seemed to know what they were doing.
after an awkward social experience i can think about what i did wrong for weeks.
but a lot of times its just the other person that messed up just as bad or just wasnt interrested or had a bad day or something.

improving yourself is good but dont put it all on yourself, your not the onely one that could use a little work

 

[forbidden]

Hi! First thing I think is, why am I criticizing myself? Do I have to think these thoughts or can I change them? I understand the criticizing, we can be so hard on ourselves sometimes. what I try to remember is that I'm human. I make mistakes. And most people understand that, because they do too. We're all learning...does that make sense? Take care!
-Chrissy

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Everyone is awkward, to some extent. Everyone has problems.

However, if you can find the humor in the situation, the beauty in the situation, the glass is half full instead of half empty in the situation...then you're a lot better off.

People generally don't like being around awkward people, because it reminds them of a time when they were awkward, and felt bad.

Holy Necro Thread Bump, Batman! Sorry for bumping such an old thread...all the posters are probably long gone :club:.

 

[ensom]

I'm still here (or should I say ?)

What you say makes sense and is something I've definitely come to realize. I've encountered people I'd consider more awkward than myself and interacting with them does tend to not feel that great. Although I have a tendency to attribute other people being awkward to my own awkwardness. Sigh.

As for my issue described in the original post, I seem to be a bit better in this regard. I still inwardly cringe after doing something socially stupid but I don't seem to ruminate on these moments for as long.

I started anti-depressants a couple of months ago so those may be helping. They're supposed to address OCD-like symptoms as well, so perhaps that's it.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Just give it some time. Medication doesn't work right away.

And you can't rely on medication for everything. It's like a band aid solution. The truth is you need both meds and therapy, and then you'll get somewhere.

 

[ensom]

Ha ha yup, doing therapy too

You're right though. I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic. I know they're not magic pills. I'm hoping the meds can at least help me work on the problems I feel are caused by years of being depressed.

I do feel noticeably different, so they're doing something at least.