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Bullies are expected in grade school, but how do you handle them as an adult? Shove these useful tips in any jerk's face.
By Nick Clarke , Lifestyle Correspondent @ Ask Men.com
Tips for handling bullies
We remember the school bully all too well; he’s the guy who tormented us from the moment our parents dropped us off at school to the moment they picked us up. Physically bigger than us and always protected by an army of loyal followers too frightened to get their own identities, the bully always knew what to say and do to make us feel three inches tall.
Although most of us conquered our school’s bully by the time we graduated -- some went through the proper channels and others laid him flat behind the bleachers -- that's probably not the last time we’ll cross paths with a bully. You can bet your bottom dollar that the same bully will have moved from the classroom to the boardroom. Whether he has been reincarnated as a power-crazed boss, a snide work colleague, a ruthlessly competitive gym-goer, or a pushy soccer dad, the bully is always there, watching over us, telling us what to do and how to do it -- until you stand up to him, that is.
Before you can do battle with the bully, you have to be able to recognize him. So, how do you distinguish a hard-nosed neighbor from a backbiting bully? To put it simply, a bully is someone who is habitually cruel to those he deems to be below his stature. Understand that the bully is not a random guy looking for a fight. He is a recurring figure who will return to torment you time and time again.
If you’re fed up, read on to learn how to stamp out the bullying once and for all, no matter what shape or size he comes in.
Understand the bully
The bully may even recognize that they are a bully and accept it as part of their “character.” For example, a bullying soccer dad may say, ”I’m hard on my kid, but it gets results.” Yes, he may get results, but he certainly isn't exercising good parenting instincts if bullying is the only way he can “inspire” his kid.
In reality, a bully has a very poor self-image and a total lack of people skills. The bully’s attempt to control or overpower people stems from his fear of being insignificant, while his know-it-all behavior has its roots in his dread of being wrong. To combat his own self-esteem issues, a bully usually treats people offhandedly, disrespectfully and dismissively. Just like the school bully, a bullying soccer dad will demonstrate his anger, threaten, humiliate, and ridicule to get his way. If this sounds familiar -- whether it’s on the soccer pitch, in the workplace, at the gym, or over the fence -- then you can safely assume that you’re dealing with a bully.
Now that you’ve gained insight into why a bully does what he does, you must first react with compassion. After all, managing a bully is easier than beating one. Although it’s the last thing you’ll want to do -- in fact, you may want to stab him in the eye with a pen or let the weights fall on his chest -- approaching a bully at his level may help. It’s occasionally a good idea to agree with some of his fairer points, suggest some new perspectives and even agree to meet in the middle. This new level of understanding with a bully will pacify him and get him off your case for a while.
Stand up to the bully
It is important to be assertive the moment you sense a bully infringing on you; however, while this early stand may prevent escalation, it may also result in you getting your ass kicked. But if it’s choosing between a one-off ass kicking and a lifetime of torment, it’s worth the risk.
Handle a bully with laughter and distraction…
Page 2: Handle a bully
Generally, a bully has a ”baiting” period at the onset of his reign, to see who is susceptible to bullying. If you don’t show any signs of weakness, he’ll realize that you’re not susceptible and will eventually retreat to find somebody else to torment. This early assertiveness needn’t be physical -- just speak with authority and confidence to demonstrate a commanding presence. Stand tall, look him in the eye and use firm, unwavering hand gestures when emphasizing a point. When selecting your words, don’t resort to his level; address him by name, avoid long explanations for your actions (the more explanations, the more ammunition he has), and tell him exactly how you want the problem to be resolved. An early strong front shows the bully that you aren’t afraid of him, that his behavior is unacceptable and that you’re not going to put up with it.
If your boss is demonstrating bully tendencies -- he’s shouting or screaming orders at you and calling you an idiot -- say something like, “You need to speak to me with courtesy and in a civil tone.” This will establish boundaries for your boss to adhere to. If necessary, make sure that he knows you’re not afraid to take further action.
These tactics will be enough to ward most bullies off. After all, a bully doesn’t want to be called out and shown up by someone stronger than they are. Bullies are weak, manipulative characters who use intimidation to gain control of others -- don’t relinquish this control. Remember, silence isn’t golden.
Laugh off the bully
Although it takes great guts to laugh off the hulking bully who stands before you, it is a surprisingly effective technique. You must understand that there are two ways to use laughter: You can either choose to laugh with the bully, which will position you as a harmless guy not worthy of pursuit, or you can laugh at the bully, effectively calling his bluff and humiliating him publicly. However, if not done convincingly, the latter option could result in your ass getting kicked -- again.
Laughing is also a great way to unnerve a bully because it relays very little emotion. This is good since bullies often attempt to exploit emotion and if there’s none in their line of fire, they won’t know how to proceed. OK, so laughing is easier said then done, but you must try to turn a potentially difficult situation into a funny one. Let’s say that you’re at the gym, for example, and the bully who’s spotting you snaps, ”Is that all you’ve got?” Simply crack a joke. Something like, “Well, you asked me to save some energy for you later” should do the trick. Such a line will make him feel uncomfortable and should silence him.
Remember that few bullies will be empathetic to your pain, and exposing it will only instigate more bullying.
Distract the bully
Distracting the bully will buy you more time and temporarily deflect his attention from you. They say attack is the best form of defense, so defend yourself by attacking somebody else. Before your gym-going competitor can brag about his max lift versus yours, for instance, bring the bully’s attention to the scrawnier guy across the room. If this scrawny guy looks weaker and frailer than you, then you can be guaranteed that the bully will have something to say about him and hopefully, in the process, he'll forget about you.
Tactics for attacking the bully…
Page 3: Handle bullies
Learning to attack the bully
The same is true in the workplace. If your know-it-all, know-nothing boss is unfairly ripping into your work, comment on the work of a colleague and turn the attention away from your own. Just like when you were younger and used to drag your siblings into an argument with your parents, dragging a colleague down with you will hopefully deflect the bullying long enough for you to escape.
Although defining a new target for the bully isn’t the most moral or commendable thing to do, it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and you must look out for No. 1.
Attack the bully
If actions speak louder than words, then you must attack the bully directly. Study him to find out where his weaknesses are and, the next time he approaches you, rip into his insecurities. If you know that the bullying soccer dad’s weakness is losing, for example, constantly remind him of the time his son lost an important game two years ago. His son may well have won every game since, but you can bet that his son’s one failure remains very fresh in the bully’s mind. However, be prepared for the consequences if you push that ”Do Not Touch” red button one too many times.
sticks and stones
If, after all of this, you’ve come to the conclusion that the bully will never stop, take yourself out of the situation. If you’re bullied at work, put in for a transfer or quit. If your overly competitive gym ”buddy” is being too tough, find a different partner or gym. And if your bullying neighbor won’t quit about the fence, cut off contact completely. You owe it to your physical and mental well-being to take yourself out of harm’s way. It’s not letting the bully win; but rather, the contrary. A weaker guy might remain stuck, downtrodden and abused. You, on the other hand, will have taken your final stand and moved on to make a positive change.
No one deserves to be bullied, but if you blame yourself, it’s like accepting and welcoming the bullying. Like the school bully, the adult equivalent hides his inadequacies. If nothing else, take comfort in the knowledge of his incompetence and smile the next time he calls you stupid.
By Nick Clarke , Lifestyle Correspondent @ Ask Men.com
Tips for handling bullies
We remember the school bully all too well; he’s the guy who tormented us from the moment our parents dropped us off at school to the moment they picked us up. Physically bigger than us and always protected by an army of loyal followers too frightened to get their own identities, the bully always knew what to say and do to make us feel three inches tall.
Although most of us conquered our school’s bully by the time we graduated -- some went through the proper channels and others laid him flat behind the bleachers -- that's probably not the last time we’ll cross paths with a bully. You can bet your bottom dollar that the same bully will have moved from the classroom to the boardroom. Whether he has been reincarnated as a power-crazed boss, a snide work colleague, a ruthlessly competitive gym-goer, or a pushy soccer dad, the bully is always there, watching over us, telling us what to do and how to do it -- until you stand up to him, that is.
Before you can do battle with the bully, you have to be able to recognize him. So, how do you distinguish a hard-nosed neighbor from a backbiting bully? To put it simply, a bully is someone who is habitually cruel to those he deems to be below his stature. Understand that the bully is not a random guy looking for a fight. He is a recurring figure who will return to torment you time and time again.
If you’re fed up, read on to learn how to stamp out the bullying once and for all, no matter what shape or size he comes in.
Understand the bully
The bully may even recognize that they are a bully and accept it as part of their “character.” For example, a bullying soccer dad may say, ”I’m hard on my kid, but it gets results.” Yes, he may get results, but he certainly isn't exercising good parenting instincts if bullying is the only way he can “inspire” his kid.
In reality, a bully has a very poor self-image and a total lack of people skills. The bully’s attempt to control or overpower people stems from his fear of being insignificant, while his know-it-all behavior has its roots in his dread of being wrong. To combat his own self-esteem issues, a bully usually treats people offhandedly, disrespectfully and dismissively. Just like the school bully, a bullying soccer dad will demonstrate his anger, threaten, humiliate, and ridicule to get his way. If this sounds familiar -- whether it’s on the soccer pitch, in the workplace, at the gym, or over the fence -- then you can safely assume that you’re dealing with a bully.
Now that you’ve gained insight into why a bully does what he does, you must first react with compassion. After all, managing a bully is easier than beating one. Although it’s the last thing you’ll want to do -- in fact, you may want to stab him in the eye with a pen or let the weights fall on his chest -- approaching a bully at his level may help. It’s occasionally a good idea to agree with some of his fairer points, suggest some new perspectives and even agree to meet in the middle. This new level of understanding with a bully will pacify him and get him off your case for a while.
Stand up to the bully
It is important to be assertive the moment you sense a bully infringing on you; however, while this early stand may prevent escalation, it may also result in you getting your ass kicked. But if it’s choosing between a one-off ass kicking and a lifetime of torment, it’s worth the risk.
Handle a bully with laughter and distraction…
Page 2: Handle a bully
Generally, a bully has a ”baiting” period at the onset of his reign, to see who is susceptible to bullying. If you don’t show any signs of weakness, he’ll realize that you’re not susceptible and will eventually retreat to find somebody else to torment. This early assertiveness needn’t be physical -- just speak with authority and confidence to demonstrate a commanding presence. Stand tall, look him in the eye and use firm, unwavering hand gestures when emphasizing a point. When selecting your words, don’t resort to his level; address him by name, avoid long explanations for your actions (the more explanations, the more ammunition he has), and tell him exactly how you want the problem to be resolved. An early strong front shows the bully that you aren’t afraid of him, that his behavior is unacceptable and that you’re not going to put up with it.
If your boss is demonstrating bully tendencies -- he’s shouting or screaming orders at you and calling you an idiot -- say something like, “You need to speak to me with courtesy and in a civil tone.” This will establish boundaries for your boss to adhere to. If necessary, make sure that he knows you’re not afraid to take further action.
These tactics will be enough to ward most bullies off. After all, a bully doesn’t want to be called out and shown up by someone stronger than they are. Bullies are weak, manipulative characters who use intimidation to gain control of others -- don’t relinquish this control. Remember, silence isn’t golden.
Laugh off the bully
Although it takes great guts to laugh off the hulking bully who stands before you, it is a surprisingly effective technique. You must understand that there are two ways to use laughter: You can either choose to laugh with the bully, which will position you as a harmless guy not worthy of pursuit, or you can laugh at the bully, effectively calling his bluff and humiliating him publicly. However, if not done convincingly, the latter option could result in your ass getting kicked -- again.
Laughing is also a great way to unnerve a bully because it relays very little emotion. This is good since bullies often attempt to exploit emotion and if there’s none in their line of fire, they won’t know how to proceed. OK, so laughing is easier said then done, but you must try to turn a potentially difficult situation into a funny one. Let’s say that you’re at the gym, for example, and the bully who’s spotting you snaps, ”Is that all you’ve got?” Simply crack a joke. Something like, “Well, you asked me to save some energy for you later” should do the trick. Such a line will make him feel uncomfortable and should silence him.
Remember that few bullies will be empathetic to your pain, and exposing it will only instigate more bullying.
Distract the bully
Distracting the bully will buy you more time and temporarily deflect his attention from you. They say attack is the best form of defense, so defend yourself by attacking somebody else. Before your gym-going competitor can brag about his max lift versus yours, for instance, bring the bully’s attention to the scrawnier guy across the room. If this scrawny guy looks weaker and frailer than you, then you can be guaranteed that the bully will have something to say about him and hopefully, in the process, he'll forget about you.
Tactics for attacking the bully…
Page 3: Handle bullies
Learning to attack the bully
The same is true in the workplace. If your know-it-all, know-nothing boss is unfairly ripping into your work, comment on the work of a colleague and turn the attention away from your own. Just like when you were younger and used to drag your siblings into an argument with your parents, dragging a colleague down with you will hopefully deflect the bullying long enough for you to escape.
Although defining a new target for the bully isn’t the most moral or commendable thing to do, it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and you must look out for No. 1.
Attack the bully
If actions speak louder than words, then you must attack the bully directly. Study him to find out where his weaknesses are and, the next time he approaches you, rip into his insecurities. If you know that the bullying soccer dad’s weakness is losing, for example, constantly remind him of the time his son lost an important game two years ago. His son may well have won every game since, but you can bet that his son’s one failure remains very fresh in the bully’s mind. However, be prepared for the consequences if you push that ”Do Not Touch” red button one too many times.
sticks and stones
If, after all of this, you’ve come to the conclusion that the bully will never stop, take yourself out of the situation. If you’re bullied at work, put in for a transfer or quit. If your overly competitive gym ”buddy” is being too tough, find a different partner or gym. And if your bullying neighbor won’t quit about the fence, cut off contact completely. You owe it to your physical and mental well-being to take yourself out of harm’s way. It’s not letting the bully win; but rather, the contrary. A weaker guy might remain stuck, downtrodden and abused. You, on the other hand, will have taken your final stand and moved on to make a positive change.
No one deserves to be bullied, but if you blame yourself, it’s like accepting and welcoming the bullying. Like the school bully, the adult equivalent hides his inadequacies. If nothing else, take comfort in the knowledge of his incompetence and smile the next time he calls you stupid.
