i am considering to finally take my own life

[zwan]

Into the night sky I stare
Shouting what will be
The wind echoes back only
Will be
The lightning over the yonder screams
A storm is a coming
If only I could realize what it meant

Why does this responsibility feel like a burden? Cutting into my shoulders with the weight of reality. I think I will let my demons out again to control me for awhile.

---

Who says the reaper ends us for all we know he saves us.

 

[zwan]

I am falling down into my shadow
Hold you're breath
This deadly night awaits us
Don't be scared you desired this
The world like this
The reflection in you're eyes
Ill visit you in you're dreams once more
Even if they are scary
So please don't stop believing
Even if you are lost here I am
Forever with you're soul

 

[shells]

((((((((((((((Zwan)))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you lost your mom. Nothing anyone can say will make it better or lessen what you feel right now. All I can say is we are here. I feel your pain. I know what it is like to lose someone the way you lost your mom. A lot of times people don't know when a person is thinking about ending their life. Sometimes they even act happier as if nothing is wrong. It's not your fault and I doubt you could have done anything to prevent it. You were a little kid. Sounds like your mom loved you. I can't help but feel she wouldn't want the same end for you.

Just stumbled across this post.

OP, I just wanted to say that I can relate. My mom passed away three years ago. She was very suicidal and passed away due to drug/heart related complications.

I've been struggling since I've lost her. I'm finding hope through the help of my boyfriend, friends, and doctors. I have recently started seeing a psychologist.

I agree with Nal that your mother would want you to hang in there and reach out for help. It's not easy at first... But I feel it will be worth it.

P.S. - I know I may not seem very personable in this post. But, if you ever feel like you want to talk or just need someone to listen, you may PM me anytime.

 

[zwan]

I am just over it all I just am. I know life gives you challenges and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger but sometimes that's just too much. I am broken and beaten down. Its happen previously but I had something in myself then too pick me up. I just can't stand up anymore. I wish I could sleep but I can't my head is jumping around too much.

 

[shells]

Sometimes we get to a point where we need to seek help outside of ourselves. It may take that much more of your energy to reach out, allow someone that can be objective and guide you towards getting the help deserve and need.

 

[HermesReborn]

I am just over it all I just am. I know life gives you challenges and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger but sometimes that's just too much. I am broken and beaten down. Its happen previously but I had something in myself then too pick me up. I just can't stand up anymore. I wish I could sleep but I can't my head is jumping around too much.

I actually suffer from that, you have to trick your obsessive mind into concentrating on other stuff. Try doing some new stuff. Take up a class on something thats always interest you or find a new hobby. I was in a realy bad place last year around this time, and I pretty much just delved myself into music, and began Running obsessively.
I still was obsessively thinking, but it did go away.
Exercise works well, because it wheres out your mind as well as your body.
You sleep more, and time goes by quicker which numbs out any pain.

 

[zwan]

My emotions goes through a regular flogging every day it seems. I just really need to get away. Tofay I realized the responsibility I have on my shoulders these days are not mine but there is no one to take them on so I must. Every morning I call my grandmother every morning to find out if she is still living. There is no one else who will do that and my brother is in no state of mind to do that himself. My brother on the other hand needs a father figure wich I must be. GOD I wish I could just be a 23 year old but alas I cannot. This is why I feel that I want to go into a eternal slumber and just run away from it all.

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Zwan -- It's not always easy being a responsible adult but kudos to you! BTW, did you enjoy entertaining your special company the other evening? Did you have a good time? TTYL, LG

 

[atomlight]

There are suicide forums you might enjoy. Being close to death makes you feel alive, so alive that you'll probably change your mind. Death is like a drug. Why not fight society versus surrender?

 

[zwan]

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

I wish I could be like that.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Zwan I didn't realize you're only 23 years old, wow you know what, despite you wanting to end it all I think you are doing pretty good dealing with what you have to deal with at such a young age. Hang in there.

 

[zwan]

The greatest conflicts are not between.two people but between one person and himself - Garth Brooks

 

[zwan]

I will be leaving on a pilgrimage of some sort sunday for a month. Were I hopefully be sorting some serious issues out in my life.
.

 

[evanescencefan91]

good luck zwan

 

[LGH1288]

Bon voyage, Zwan. I hope you'll find what you're seeking. I look forward to your safe return soon! Best, LG

 

[AncientBard]

Please come back and see us upon your return.

 

[zwan]

As I stare blindly at the cross roads of life I realize that my perception of reality is nothing more than an illusion and slowly I come to terms with the fact that most likely I will die alone. My concept of friends and companionship slowly dissipates into oblivion as I get disappointed by everyone and especially you. You always told me you will be there for me no matter what but truly you are not. I am nothing more than your plan B. I am sorry I cannot bear that I feel it is a burden so as such I feel we must part our ways.

 

[LGH1288]

Zwan! What are you talking about? Who are talking to? Please reply, LG

 

[zwan]

Its a message I wish I could tell someone I care about. Plz don't worry I am fine.

 

[LGH1288]

Its a message I wish I could tell someone I care about. Plz don't worry I am fine.

OK, yes I was worried about you! LG