i am considering to finally take my own life

[lalala]

hi zwan. we don't know if there is a god for sure. and i think it's not worth the risk, you might end up swapping a few decades of this life (however difficult or painful) for an eternity in hell. this is what keeps myself from committing suicide.

i was born to parents who did not want me. i grew up feeling like an orphan, i spent my teenage and adult years as an outcast. i have never been loved, and i don't consider myself to have any family or friends. but i do not feel lonely or depressed. i think i got used to being alone. too comfortable with being alone in fact, that having people in my life will disrupt it. i don't set any goals for myself and i have no expectations for the future. (other people may find this depressing but i think it's comforting, because i can never get hurt because i can't lose what i don't have.)

i find that living life as uneventfully as possible works for me. i'm happy if i have books to read. i think maybe if you focus on something that makes you happy like a hobby, it'll keep you sane until you truly find happiness? try to block out unhappy memories and thoughts. have you ever noticed that simple people are always happy? they have simple wants and have simple thoughts and don't analyze life at all. i think time passes more quickly as we grow older. you may think you still have a long way to go and it's unbearable but the years will go by really quickly.

if anyone feels that my approach to life is strange, feel free to comment. i'm curious.

 

[zwan]

10 hours before I board on a plane to a far east country. Well thank you everyone who read my bitching and moaning the past couple of months and all the positive messages of holding on. You saw the darkest side of me and still accpeted it and with tears in my eyes I can say thank you thank you. There are some serious bloody issues I need to sort out in a month but hell I can do it. honeysuckle truly I am scared to see what the future holds in for me.. Well I want to experience my own "the beach" movie so let's see if I can drink some snake blood in bangkok by tuesday.
Au revoir
Totsiens
Good buy
Peace out
The zwan

 

[SophiaGrace]

Zwan, I havent posted here until now because what you said hit too close to home. I'm glad you're going on that trip and I hope it goes well for you. Have fun. Bon Voyage

Check back in with us when you come back?

 

[LGH1288]

Z -- Have fun! Go get'em cowboy! LG

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
You must be on a plane by now on your journey. Good luck.
The poetry in this thread is mind-blowing; I love it.
Let us know how you're doing Zwan, we'll be here waiting for you.

Teresa

 

[Comfortably_Numb]

JUST LOOK AT THE SHEER NUMBER OF REPLIES YOU"VE GOT.
Know what, while I am replying my old computer shut down four times.
And I lost everything I wrote as reply to your post.
But here I am, writing it all down a fifth time.

We can reach out buddy.
We feel the pain of a fellow human being.
If we were not alone and crushed, we would'nt be here, right?

You need to rest. And rest deeply. Take up travelling. Visit some place awesome.
India or Srilanka or Tibet. Soak in the tranquility.
You will emerge a stronger, clearer person.

REeasrch these places, look at some pictures.
You will realize what I am talking about.

LOVE,
Comfortably_Numb

 

[zwan]

As I am walking through the streets of Pendang I feel myself thinking of you
My mind wanders through the forest of Malaysia alone but I am heartened by the thought of you smiling.
As I sit in an airport in Singapore with thousands of weary travellers such as myself I can't help myself to think how are you.
As always I wish I could be with you but alas I cannot. For I am nothing more than just a beggar compared to one of your laughs.
As always you flicker through my mind.
Flicker.
Flicker.

 

[WishingWell]

Hi

My name is Judi, and if you are reading this, you have postponed your plan to take your life.

You say no one loves you, and I feel that way too about my family. Outside of 3 phone friends, I have no friends. It is hard to believe, but they have their own lives and just don't show their love to you. I found that out the hard way.

Twelve years ago, I STOPPED trying to take my life because of lonliness and depression. I had at least 12 attempts--serious ones--I usually ended up in comas. My family and (I did have friends back then) friends were not just devastated, they were angry that I would do such a selfish thing.

I don't know if you are religious at all, but I started believing in God, and feeling that I would go to Hell if I tried it again.

No one is that unimportant in this life that they should try to end it. My life is miserable with loneliness and depression, but I keep on keepin' on with the hope it will get better.

I care about you! As another person struggling with the same problem, if you would like to write back and forth, I would like that!

Please don't try to end your life. You don't know what will be on the other side of it!

Judi

 

[rdp234]

Don't try suicide. Nobody's worth it. Every life is worth living. Adversity builds character. You're a survivor. You can do anything. You're a lot tougher than you think. Stop listening to that voice inside of you that tells you you're not worth it. You are. We all get down sometimes. You're not alone. Keep on fighting. You'll be okay.

 

[Frankoguy]

Don't try suicide. Nobody's worth it. Every life is worth living. Adversity builds character. You're a survivor. You can do anything. You're a lot tougher than you think. Stop listening to that voice inside of you that tells you you're not worth it. You are. We all get down sometimes. You're not alone. Keep on fighting. You'll be okay.

Just another thing to add:
Hi there. When I was 25 (I'm 37 now) my wife left me for the guy she was having an affair with, ending an 8 yrs relationship. I felt so betrayed, hurt, lonely, sad, fooled, and lost. I was crying constantly. I couldn't function at school or work. I still remember pressing the knife to my wrist, staring at a picture of us (supposedly) in happier times, wondering what it would actually feel like. One of the things that kept me from doing it was a discusting movie series I saw called faces of death. In it, video footage was shown of a guy who literally blew his brains out. And my only real point in mentioning it here is that alot of people blindly think that nothing could be more painful than what they're going through right now. Yes, there is: your brains flying out the back of your head splattering on a wall, then blood pouring out your nose and mouth, like a fountain. It's one of the most disturbing discusting and PAINFUL real things I've ever seen on video. (sorry I don't mean to be graphic to get negative attention). I'm only mentioning it simply to emphasize that getting dead is a painful journey.
Since my wife left me, I haven't had another relationship--many dates, but no actual romantic/sexual relationships. And it totally sucks. I'm very insecure about it. But professionally, I'm far better off. Some people would even consider me rich. If I had slit my wrists that day, she would've won. Now she has at least 3 kids, her and the same guy have the combined educational equivalent of a G.E.D., and I'm a well-off software engineer with no kids. I won. But who cares about her, she's a chapter in a book I closed over a decade ago. Ever since that time, everytime I'm rejected (it's alot), I don't get hurt as much as I used to. I cut them off from my life. I found through experience it actually feels good to cut people off who burn you. And I never start caring about anyone till we've had at least a few dates. People who hurt you are not worth getting upset over. Forget them, they aren't worth your time.

 

[jales]

you know i used to feel the same.

That no one love me, that no one cared, that no one knew me.

Then I thought about it and realized; i also loved no one, i also didnt care about anyone but myself.

Yes there have been times when I had no one, things have changed for me, when I didnt even expect it to change; it changed.

Things may or may not change for you but you
1) have to give life a chance
2) could also try to understand that humans mostly tend to care about themselves more than anyone else.

If you say you are not depressed but just want to kill yourself because you find no joy in life... think about this.. what will happen if you find no joy in death??

We will all die one day; dont rush it.

No matter how bad life gets, give life the CHANCE to get better.

 

[oh_boy]

hey if you think you wanna do this, I'd encourage you to think once more about some things, like:

- who are the ones that are going to be affected by that?
- what effects it may have on them?
- what are the reasons for my wish to kill myself?
- for how long did I have this wish?
- what were the means I tried in order to get free from that wish?
- what is my current situation? am I in real danger of becoming insane or inadequate? have I experienced it already? am I seriously impaired physically?

These are so basic questions of course, but I think almost always some new circumstances and details turn out every time when these questions are pondered on.

And then, if you decide that you're not going to do that, repel any thought that may suggest you reconsider your decision. Don't think about that at all for some period, a month or a year, and believe with all your heart that suicide is wrong for you. Then see how you feel after that period and rethink those questions if necessary.

 

[zombieslayer]

DON'T DO IT.

I know that right now, you feel awful like nothing can get better, BUT IT DOES.

We hit low points. Sometimes they last for a week. Sometimes a year. But things have a way of turning around.

You deserve the best in life. What do you love in life?

Think about it. Think about who you are. You're special.

Today, just do what you love to get your mind off things.

Tomorrow, get out there and be the best YOU you can be. It will pay off.

TRUST ME.

Good luck!

 

[zwan]

As I am walking through the streets of Pendang I feel myself thinking of you
My mind wanders through the forest of Malaysia alone but I am heartened by the thought of you smiling.
As I sit in an airport in Singapore with thousands of weary travellers such as myself I can't help myself to think how are you.
As always I wish I could be with you but alas I cannot. For I am nothing more than just a beast compared to one of your laughs.
As always you flicker through my mind.
Flicker.
Flicker.

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Zwan -- Did you return from your trip? How are you? Write back. LG

 

[WishingWell]

I like that Zwan! It is sad. Is it based on a life experience, may I ask? My poetry has a lot of poems that are based on life experiences, especially sad ones. Keep writing!

 

[zwan]

I am back home safely! Well everything is ok I think... I had a good holiday and did some "stuff" I shouldn't have but yes was good if I have time ill put up some photos when I can. I started boxing which makes me happy. But yet I feel the same emptiness as always. I won't hurt myself anytime soon but I will most likely end up in that dark place where I was again.

I also found out that the girl I like/love/loved got engaged while I was away.
Ce la vie

 

[Sci-Fi]

Yes you definitely have to post pictures, good to hear you had a nice trip and are finding things that make you happy. Stick with it and that emptiness will eventually fade it just takes time.

 

[Lonely.Pianist]

Did you see how many people actually care about you in this post? Those people, kind, nice people, they're out there. You just have to keep looking for them. Don't give up, even if you get depressed again. Even if bad things happen. You'll find happiness, I'm sure. You'll be okay we're all with you.

 

[zwan]

I am lying next a bonfire staring at the stars under the african sky I wonder what is going through your head? Did you find that night to be a one time thing. I know we known each other for almost 15 years but yet at the same time we know nothing about each other. it feels weird typing this knowing I am to afraid letting you know how I feel about you but my god did we not share a night of brilliant passion between us? I know I am an dick but I haven't felt so happy in ages as with you. I just wish you could give me a chance just one date to show you we can possibly be just more than friends. Yet at the end of a day I am just someone who will give you everything in my soul and body to just see the slightest hint of a smile.

I don't know why but somehow I will always get interested / start liking someone who either wants to be friends or just doesn't like me! . Cest la vie