VideoVidiVisum
Well-known member
Okay, so almost exactly three years ago when I only had a few months SI free and was still struggling daily with it, I met someone.
I was at my dad's NA home group, and since it was nice and sunny out I decided to walk over to the dock and hang out there. (I hadn't started going to NA for myself yet.)
At the dock, there were a few people messing with their boats, the usual crowd. But then there was a boy around my age who was just walking his dog. His dog came up to me and I of course pet it. The boy sat down next to me and threw a couple sticks for the dog, and we started talking. His name was Tucker. He was a year older than me. And he had a year SI free. It seemed like we had a lot in common.
Time went on and we exchanged numbers and texted a lot. We met up at the dock for several Sundays. We even had an incident where we kissed in the library. For various reasons, we never actually dated, but we got very, very close. He trusted me with things that most people don't know to this day. And I did, and still do, trust him implicitly.
Flash forward to a few weeks ago. He was browsing his facebook for people to text, and saw me. Texted me. I had just broken off my engagement a few weeks prior, and it was nice to talk to someone I trusted so much.
I'm in a place where I don't want to rush into any relationship at all. I'm not interested in anything serious. But this boy is someone who I never stopped liking, not really. I can honestly say I love him. I'm not IN love with him, but I do love him. So when we started talking and hanging out... my feelings and emotions were compromised.
We ended up sleeping together. I broke it off. Told him I just wanted to be friends, because otherwise I'd fall for him way too hard. He told me he really likes me, a lot. Yay, right? Except he isn't in a place personally where he can be in a committed relationship. He's "still growing up" and he wouldn't be able to stay faithful. "It might not happen right away, but it would happen."
Which, hey, kudos to him for the honesty. I really really appreciate it. I still trust him, because he's given me no reason not to. But man does it hurt. It hurts a LOT. Every time we talk, one of us says something like "I miss you" and it breaks me.
Last week he was sick. Like, at the doctors constantly and on meds sick. I was pretty concerned. I wanted nothing more than to be there to take care of him. I checked in on him every day regardless of whether he responded. On Sunday, I took a picture of myself on the dock. Sent it to him. That night, I wrote a poem called "Just Another Sunday at the Dock."
There isn't really anything I can do, but I've been hurting. Cried myself to sleep the other night over him.
I'm lonely.
I was at my dad's NA home group, and since it was nice and sunny out I decided to walk over to the dock and hang out there. (I hadn't started going to NA for myself yet.)
At the dock, there were a few people messing with their boats, the usual crowd. But then there was a boy around my age who was just walking his dog. His dog came up to me and I of course pet it. The boy sat down next to me and threw a couple sticks for the dog, and we started talking. His name was Tucker. He was a year older than me. And he had a year SI free. It seemed like we had a lot in common.
Time went on and we exchanged numbers and texted a lot. We met up at the dock for several Sundays. We even had an incident where we kissed in the library. For various reasons, we never actually dated, but we got very, very close. He trusted me with things that most people don't know to this day. And I did, and still do, trust him implicitly.
Flash forward to a few weeks ago. He was browsing his facebook for people to text, and saw me. Texted me. I had just broken off my engagement a few weeks prior, and it was nice to talk to someone I trusted so much.
I'm in a place where I don't want to rush into any relationship at all. I'm not interested in anything serious. But this boy is someone who I never stopped liking, not really. I can honestly say I love him. I'm not IN love with him, but I do love him. So when we started talking and hanging out... my feelings and emotions were compromised.
We ended up sleeping together. I broke it off. Told him I just wanted to be friends, because otherwise I'd fall for him way too hard. He told me he really likes me, a lot. Yay, right? Except he isn't in a place personally where he can be in a committed relationship. He's "still growing up" and he wouldn't be able to stay faithful. "It might not happen right away, but it would happen."
Which, hey, kudos to him for the honesty. I really really appreciate it. I still trust him, because he's given me no reason not to. But man does it hurt. It hurts a LOT. Every time we talk, one of us says something like "I miss you" and it breaks me.
Last week he was sick. Like, at the doctors constantly and on meds sick. I was pretty concerned. I wanted nothing more than to be there to take care of him. I checked in on him every day regardless of whether he responded. On Sunday, I took a picture of myself on the dock. Sent it to him. That night, I wrote a poem called "Just Another Sunday at the Dock."
There isn't really anything I can do, but I've been hurting. Cried myself to sleep the other night over him.
I'm lonely.
