I miss myself

[stork_error]

I miss myself. I miss who i was 5 years ago, before my x destroyed my faith in love, kindness, goodness, happiness etc...

I miss myself. I miss who I was before I started working in this industry full of psychopathic human soul eating robots.

I miss that I use to look younger than my age because I ate healthy and slept well and didn't really know the kind of stress that came with my x and my job until my x and my job. I don't eat healthy anymore and I don't sleep properly anymore because of my work hours.

I used to be pretty, and skinny and now I am worn looking and mildly overweight.

I don't go out anymore, I haven't danced in ages, I don't even listen to music anymore, I haven't been to a concert in ages.

I didn't really even enjoy my last vacation very much as I feel that my familiar travel destination that I've gone to for over 15 years has really gone to hell and is now unsafe.

The last man I dated was oldish, too old for me, and it made me feel old too.

If I made effort could I still reclaim myself? Get my hair done, loose some weight, start going out, dancing, travelling.

Life is boring to me, and I'm tired of having no life, but when I plan to have a life, it seems boring too. Nothing excites me anymore. I suppose I should get my hair done or something... at least try to feel pretty.

Whats it called when you have no interest in life, or hobbies or activities, or no desire for love, or looking half decent, or loosing weight or having a life.

Total and absolute lack of desire for anything except some food that tastes good and sleeping on white sand ocean beach at late sunset listening to music from the bars in the background.

Otherwize... nothing nothing nothing.

Has anybody been through a relationship or single life altering trauma that they feel might have been the actual trigger for this mess of loneliness.

 

[mickey]

You appear to have lost innocence and taken it very badly. And it appears you're tied down to what other people expect you to be. I recommend figuring out what YOU want to be, and I mean REALLY want to be. It could be that the real you doesn't share the conventional social idea of fashion magazine anorexic "prettiness." Some self-discovery seems to be called for here.

 

[HoodedMonk]

Maybe you should get a new job that doesn't treat you like a machine. You deserve better.

 

[Katerina]

Whats it called when you have no interest in life, or hobbies or activities, or no desire for love, or looking half decent, or loosing weight or having a life.

I think it's called depression or at least a general malaise for life can be a symptom of it.

If I made effort could I still reclaim myself? Get my hair done, loose some weight, start going out, dancing, travelling.

Of course! You can still be who you want to be, do what you want to do but you have to overcome how you've been feeling to do it - not an easy thing to do; but you can do it. You said you used to enjoy dancing maybe look into starting that up again? I imagine it could out with your weight loss goals too and generally improve how you feel.

 

[9006]

You listed everything that you feel is wrong in your life, it seems a lot from the way you put it, but start of with the basics; start eating better, try to get into a sleeping routine; I work shitty long, changing shifts myself and I try to at least stay in a routine. Drink plenty of water, and try not to think about your concerns. Honestly just these few things over time will make you feel better, the rest will follow.

Has anybody been through a relationship or single life altering trauma that they feel might have been the actual trigger for this mess of loneliness.

Absolutely.

 

[Serephina]

oh stork_error,I could've written this myself,I had to look at this twice in case it was me and I didn't remember it. I have just got out of a relationship where the man was a lot older than me and I really lost sense of my identity and who I was before we got together and I am at this present moment of time still trying to figure that out. Although it wasn'tt his fault,I let myself go with my weight and my looks,and i've just joined a slimming club not long ago and lost 21lbs so far and I love music,and concerts and dancing but all the things I loved seemed to go out of the window. The man I was with loved going to concerts and music too but we argued a lot,we just never seemed to get on when we did manage to talk and everytime we did go to those places something negative would always happen. So yes,I do get where you're coming from.

 

[LonelySutton]

I miss myself. I miss who i was 5 years ago, before my x destroyed my faith in love, kindness, goodness, happiness etc...Total and absolute lack of desire for anything except some food that tastes good and sleeping on white sand ocean beach at late sunset listening to music from the bars in the background.

Been there. My advice... let it ride. Float down to the point where you do want something other than food... as they say, everything happens for a reason... maybe you have to "hit bottom" as they say.

It isn't so easy to change jobs but jobs always change. Other people quit, people move on... it can't stay the same forever. And then you will start feeling different.

 

[ladyforsaken]

If I made effort could I still reclaim myself? Get my hair done, loose some weight, start going out, dancing, travelling.

Of course you can reclaim yourself again. Do those things and you'll feel a whole lot different than you do now. Perhaps more confident, more refreshed and possibly even happier. So, why not get up and do those things?

Life is boring to me, and I'm tired of having no life, but when I plan to have a life, it seems boring too. Nothing excites me anymore. I suppose I should get my hair done or something... at least try to feel pretty.

Is there nothing that can occupy your mind or interest you? Games? Books? Movies? Crafts? Gardening? I could list a whole lot more, I'm sure there is at least one thing or hobby that you'd like doing. Even if it is just for short amounts of time.

Whats it called when you have no interest in life, or hobbies or activities, or no desire for love, or looking half decent, or loosing weight or having a life.

It's not called anything. I'm not going to label you because I dislike labels. You make up who you want to be. I was in your spot just not too long ago. I couldn't feel anything, and I desired nothing. I was stuck in this plane of existence where everything was nothing to me. How did I get out of it? You just keep doing things that would normally make you feel good about yourself, and things that make you content as well as things that you are interested in. Even if you don't feel like it, make yourself do it. Sometimes you just need to force yourself out of that comfort zone to get out of that funk.

Has anybody been through a relationship or single life altering trauma that they feel might have been the actual trigger for this mess of loneliness.

Yes.. yes indeed I have been through this, more than once I would say. So I do feel you, I've been through this and if I can feel better from then, I'm sure you can too. It's gonna be a long difficult road but it's not how it'll always end up to be.

All the best, don't stop moving forward. It's the only thing you need to keep doing consistently to get out of this. *hugs* You can do this and overcome it with time.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

Yes, have been through things that broke me, and things that transformed me, sometimes the two have to go together, sometimes you have to get broken before you can put yourself back together a different way.

Sometimes the way forward looks completely impassable, but it's there.

Sorry I can't write much more just now.

 

[stork_error]

Thank you all for your replies, its helpful just to feel that some people can understand this. Micky you summed it up well when you said that you think I had lost my innocence and have taken it very badly. I feel that this is exactly what has happened. Monk I do think i should get a new job but there is nothing that can pay me as well as this job as i didnt finish university. I would have to return to school and finish one of my programs to get a job that pays enough for me to survive and carry my expenses and the reality is that I cant afford to go to school and not work...so I feel stuck/trapped. Kat, it may be some manifestation of depression, but I don't feel "sad" per say in the traditional sense of the word. Hopeless yes, despair yes, frustration yes, anger yes, but sadness, not so much. Sere, maybe thats what i need.. a supportive group of some sort to at least help me get back into shape. 9006, eating healthy is so hard in my job, there is not time for preparing food, smoothies, juices or even packing a home cooked meal let alone making a home cooked meal. Weekends I'm so tired i eat at restaurants as I don't have the energy to cook meals, and as for water, I do my best but most times I'm dehydrated as I simply forget to drink due to working so hard. Sutton I just wish the final bottom would hurry up and then let me get back up. Lady i used to have lots of hobbies. Last night i tried to list all the things that i enjoy and i realized that i cant remember any of them because when i think of them the feeling of joy isnt there. I used to love to swim and now when i think about going swimming i think about having to shave, the painfully cold shower before the pool, kids peeing and crapping in the pool, waterborne infections and parasites, the cold water in the pool, the cost of parking, traffic, sunburn. It all seems like stress to me. All I want is a white sand beach and to go to sleep by the ocean... forever. Walking dead, if all things make us grow and transform as people, my x is the only thing I regret the learning experience of. The pain and psychological consequence of the experience greatly outweighed the gift of the growth.

 

[Sometimes]

...
Life is boring to me, and I'm tired of having no life, but when I plan to have a life, it seems boring too. Nothing excites me anymore. I suppose I should get my hair done or something... at least try to feel pretty.

Whats it called when you have no interest in life, or hobbies or activities, or no desire for love, or looking half decent, or loosing weight or having a life.

Total and absolute lack of desire for anything except some food that tastes good and sleeping on white sand ocean beach at late sunset listening to music from the bars in the background.

Otherwize... nothing nothing nothing.

....

Just to answer the question What's this called? It might be called anhedonia, which is the inability to take pleasure in anything.

I do recommend doing something which is quite a departure from what you have done before. Maybe something a bit nutty? Not dangerous or anything, but you need something which doesn't have the past overlaid on top of it.

 

[LonelySutton]

Whats it called when you have no interest in life, or hobbies or activities, or no desire for love, or looking half decent, or loosing weight or having a life.

A couple of months ago I thought I was going to lose my job (or get stuck in a job that was horrible) and I definitely had this. Interestingly it really helped with anxiety.. because I just didn't care anymore. In just about 1 year I ate my way up 30 lbs... I hadn't purchased any clothing in years... I didn't buy anything for the house and I never went to the doctor or dentist. I truly felt like death or sickness might be a good thing. Why bother with any of it -- if it could all come to nothing.

I still kind of feel like that. The truth is, there is VERY little to look forward to over a certain age. Why lose weight when you aren't likely to find a good mate. Why bother looking half decent... same as above. What kind of a life is possible when all your friends are married or in the last throws of utter desperation trying to get a marriage. Life just sucks at 40.

A lot of things I used to enjoy when I was a kid are gone. I never thought it would be this way.. but life experience has ruined them. Movies used to be something I liked but now, I see life experience in them. I can't ever watch a "dying" movie anymore and enjoy it and not think about someone I know who died or has cancer. I used to like travel but I am running out of places to go and usually have something bad happen when I travel -- I don't make any friends either. I used to fancy myself a writer but since I get 2 hours free time a day, I don't have any ability to do that. I used to enjoy reading self help books but I have read them all and I am still the same so... clearly I cannot change. The only things that give me joy these days is things I am just foolish enough to believe will be good.

 

[dd11]

I think that we have to give ourselves permission. I find that sometimes we don't give ourselves permission. Permission to be who we are. Permission to allow ourselves to enjoy what we enjoy, to like what we like, to do what we do and not feel like we have to explain or justify it to others. It took me years but I finally realized that I am allowed to like what I like as well. So, it isn't necessarily what others around me like to do. Oh well. I am going to enjoy what I have the ability to enjoy.
In reality, nobody really cares what I do or don't do. So, I have found what I enjoy. I enjoy doing home improvements. I like to challenge myself. I enjoy cooking and trying new recipes. I enjoy playing the guitar badly. I enjoy feeding the birds in my backyard. There are things you can enjoy too. Don't give up. Find things that appeal to you. And, there are lots of things you can do.