Naizo
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2016
- Messages
- 320
- Reaction score
- 20
I don't miss the constant feeling of complete emptiness, but I do miss... that taste. The realness of crashing on my friends various couches, listening to music with a blunt being passed around, playing XBOX while the ethernet cable stealing internet from his grandparents house trailed through the back door, their little dog jumping up on my lap. Pretending not to hear them argue like a healthy couple determined to keep things working because hearing them argue scared me because of my own relationship failing. Somewhere along the line it went from me trying to find a reason to live to me living and then it went from that to... boring normal life again where I wait for the newest video game release, ponder the dumb honeysuckle ten million other people have pondered before me, etc etc.
I miss how music sounded when every word hit me hard. When everything made sense because it was being bounced off of my own internal monologue, trying to find reason and purpose. I can't even remember what my ex's face looks like anymore, even in the rare dream they're involved in, they just sort've have a silhouette. I don't know why! But it felt so much more real than waking up, going to work, getting home, reading while I take a honeysuckle, going to sleep, repeat. I feel more grown up now and in some ways that truly hurts me. I feel like that pseudo mid life crisis was the most alive I'd felt. When I let my emotions out and wasn't afraid to be an ******* when the situation warranted it at times. Now I'm back to "Nah I don't really feel like going" instead of "fresia yea I wanna go. Let's see what happens."
Iunno. I miss my depression, like I miss my childhood. For the memories I made and the people I no longer get to speak to.
I miss how music sounded when every word hit me hard. When everything made sense because it was being bounced off of my own internal monologue, trying to find reason and purpose. I can't even remember what my ex's face looks like anymore, even in the rare dream they're involved in, they just sort've have a silhouette. I don't know why! But it felt so much more real than waking up, going to work, getting home, reading while I take a honeysuckle, going to sleep, repeat. I feel more grown up now and in some ways that truly hurts me. I feel like that pseudo mid life crisis was the most alive I'd felt. When I let my emotions out and wasn't afraid to be an ******* when the situation warranted it at times. Now I'm back to "Nah I don't really feel like going" instead of "fresia yea I wanna go. Let's see what happens."
Iunno. I miss my depression, like I miss my childhood. For the memories I made and the people I no longer get to speak to.