Peanutbutter
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- Apr 22, 2014
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Never connected with one person in my life except very brief seconds. Never loved anyone except for two brief moments. Never felt love from another though I have had long term relationships where I assume they loved me. I simutaneously think i am superior and inferior to everyone. Scared of everything. Never been honest for more than an hour straight. Failed spectacularly at everything I've tried. Started a business that took a lot of money from a lot of people and is now going bankrupt and going to hurt a ton of them badly. Have no hobbies or likes, other than smoking dope, which I quit through AA. been in the program this time and I seem to be the only person not growing. It's because I don't believe in anything. I try hard to pray to God, but I can't get a mustard seed of faith. I've tried every religion. I don't put 100% into following or doing anything since I am not interested! lose focus! don't connect. I got married even though I am what I am. I was too gutless to walk away. She is an incredible person, but I have no heart, I just go through the motions of life. I cheated on her so she looks at me as only a liar and a cheater. I am too much of a pussy to kill myself. I'm addicted to pot, so I'm a joke even in my AA meetings. I am also addicted to disconnected sex, food, lying, complaining and quitting. I have no friends and those that call me friends became that way only after they moved away so they didnt have to be around me. They like me better at a distance. Speaking of AA, the first time I was in it was 14 yrs clean and sober, I went out and now I have three. No I don't take pride in not doing what other people don't do with ease. I take pride in nothing. I quit everything I do. Meanwhile, in all the time I have been in AA, an attended regularly, nobody has ever asked me to be their sponsor. Even the shittiest people get asked so long as you have something they want in a spiritual way. I fake support for others. I fake that I care about others. I'm lazy. I have learning disabilities and can't read textbooks and learning materials. I stick to nothing. My future is laid out clearly with financial disaster, divorce, injuring others (though I'll fake trying to help), probably active addiction again, shame and misery. I have experienced depression, but now I'm a a different place. Depression is that emotional hole spiraling down uncontrollably. Yes I have tried drugs which put a smile on my face but don't make me any better of person. I don't have that anymore, it goes when you turn 40. What I have now is certainty with almost no emotion. I am certain people will dislike me(they always find I'm faking and dislike me eventually), I am certain that I will never care about anyone (hence the reason I have to fake), I am certain I have zero potential and everything will always end in failure, I am certain I will injure people every day, I am certain I can do nothing to improve my life and I can't find the faith in something else that could help, I am certain that the world is either better off without me or I'm irrelevant.
So why don't I commit suicide? I tell people it's because I believe that if u commit suicide you go to hell, and if your present life is hell, then if you commit suicide you repeat your present shitty life again. However that's not really why. The real reason is my dad is a good guy who has a vision of who I am not and I don't want to hurt him any more than I do. The main reason though is that I am too scared to do it. I'll just drag my sad life of destruction on to the bitter end, hopefully alone.
I am 50 and I am hopeless and always have been. Don't reply warm fuzzies, cause I don't want them. If somebody knows of something or somewhere drastic I can go to change, let me know.
PS. I don't generally like to be around people, because I can fake it all I want, but eventually the true me comes out and there is nothing anyone can do with someone who is like the person above. Eventually I drag them down or they get free of me.
So why don't I commit suicide? I tell people it's because I believe that if u commit suicide you go to hell, and if your present life is hell, then if you commit suicide you repeat your present shitty life again. However that's not really why. The real reason is my dad is a good guy who has a vision of who I am not and I don't want to hurt him any more than I do. The main reason though is that I am too scared to do it. I'll just drag my sad life of destruction on to the bitter end, hopefully alone.
I am 50 and I am hopeless and always have been. Don't reply warm fuzzies, cause I don't want them. If somebody knows of something or somewhere drastic I can go to change, let me know.
PS. I don't generally like to be around people, because I can fake it all I want, but eventually the true me comes out and there is nothing anyone can do with someone who is like the person above. Eventually I drag them down or they get free of me.