I need something shocking!

[Peanutbutter]

Never connected with one person in my life except very brief seconds. Never loved anyone except for two brief moments. Never felt love from another though I have had long term relationships where I assume they loved me. I simutaneously think i am superior and inferior to everyone. Scared of everything. Never been honest for more than an hour straight. Failed spectacularly at everything I've tried. Started a business that took a lot of money from a lot of people and is now going bankrupt and going to hurt a ton of them badly. Have no hobbies or likes, other than smoking dope, which I quit through AA. been in the program this time and I seem to be the only person not growing. It's because I don't believe in anything. I try hard to pray to God, but I can't get a mustard seed of faith. I've tried every religion. I don't put 100% into following or doing anything since I am not interested! lose focus! don't connect. I got married even though I am what I am. I was too gutless to walk away. She is an incredible person, but I have no heart, I just go through the motions of life. I cheated on her so she looks at me as only a liar and a cheater. I am too much of a pussy to kill myself. I'm addicted to pot, so I'm a joke even in my AA meetings. I am also addicted to disconnected sex, food, lying, complaining and quitting. I have no friends and those that call me friends became that way only after they moved away so they didnt have to be around me. They like me better at a distance. Speaking of AA, the first time I was in it was 14 yrs clean and sober, I went out and now I have three. No I don't take pride in not doing what other people don't do with ease. I take pride in nothing. I quit everything I do. Meanwhile, in all the time I have been in AA, an attended regularly, nobody has ever asked me to be their sponsor. Even the shittiest people get asked so long as you have something they want in a spiritual way. I fake support for others. I fake that I care about others. I'm lazy. I have learning disabilities and can't read textbooks and learning materials. I stick to nothing. My future is laid out clearly with financial disaster, divorce, injuring others (though I'll fake trying to help), probably active addiction again, shame and misery. I have experienced depression, but now I'm a a different place. Depression is that emotional hole spiraling down uncontrollably. Yes I have tried drugs which put a smile on my face but don't make me any better of person. I don't have that anymore, it goes when you turn 40. What I have now is certainty with almost no emotion. I am certain people will dislike me(they always find I'm faking and dislike me eventually), I am certain that I will never care about anyone (hence the reason I have to fake), I am certain I have zero potential and everything will always end in failure, I am certain I will injure people every day, I am certain I can do nothing to improve my life and I can't find the faith in something else that could help, I am certain that the world is either better off without me or I'm irrelevant.

So why don't I commit suicide? I tell people it's because I believe that if u commit suicide you go to hell, and if your present life is hell, then if you commit suicide you repeat your present shitty life again. However that's not really why. The real reason is my dad is a good guy who has a vision of who I am not and I don't want to hurt him any more than I do. The main reason though is that I am too scared to do it. I'll just drag my sad life of destruction on to the bitter end, hopefully alone.


I am 50 and I am hopeless and always have been. Don't reply warm fuzzies, cause I don't want them. If somebody knows of something or somewhere drastic I can go to change, let me know.


PS. I don't generally like to be around people, because I can fake it all I want, but eventually the true me comes out and there is nothing anyone can do with someone who is like the person above. Eventually I drag them down or they get free of me.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum.

The first thing I want to say is that you do NOT have to believe in God or be affiliated with any religion to be a part of AA. That's not what it's about. It's about believing in a higher power. Something that is greater than you, something that you can release your fears and doubts to. A lot of people I know who do not believe in religion use the universe as their higher power. Please don't think you need to fake a religious aspect to be a part of AA.

Now, aside from that, the fact that you are in AA and you keep going says a lot. It looks like you know you need help, but do you HONESTLY want it? You can say that you do, but deep down, do you really want to be better? I know a lot of people that are too scared to let the program work for them because they're afraid that things won't be different for them if they allow the program to work. I'm not saying that's you, it's just something to consider.

As for no one asking you to be their sponsor, can you honestly say that YOU would want yourself to be your sponsor? I don't mean that offensively, but from what you write, I don't think your all to the program. The tools and steps of the program are there to help you grow, use them and never take it more than one day at a time. I also think from what you write that you aren't ready to be sponsor to someone. It doesn't seem like you've aligned yourself to the program enough to be in a position to help others with the journey. You may think that you hide your "fake" attitude about everything well, but chances are, you're not hiding it as well as you think. And in something like AA, where honesty and truth are paramount to getting through the program, I think you should reconsider being fake. Be yourself, be honest and only then can the program help you.

As a disclaimer, I want to add that I am not in AA, I am part of Alanon, but I have been to many AA meetings. If you need someone to talk to about it more in depth, feel free to PM.

I hope you can find some hope and encouragement here.

 

[Survivalist]

A warm welcome to you Peanutbutter,

I too have been to a dark place, so I can imagine how difficult you are finding life. I don't have a shock for you but instead offer a gentle awakening.

Everyone is born with a Spirit Guide who will stay with you throughout your life. Guides are there to help you through life & learn your lessons. Lessons which you chose to learn before you were born! Guides are always trying to communicate to you. You have many guides, most of whom come & go as your life progresses, but your main guide is always there & is someone who loves you very much, & on a level that you are probably unaware of.

You are exactly where you need to be in life at this time. If you commit suicide you will have to face those lessons again, the next time you incarnate.

If it's help you want my advice would be to join a spiritual forum. There is much to learn, I would recommend dream interpritation as a starting point. This is very simple with the use of search engines, & will give you a basic connection to your guide(s), and reveal that a higher intelligence is connected to you.

Keep a diary of your dreams, write them down as soon as you wake up otherwise you'll forget.

Your are not alone in your journey through life, ever!

 

[Case]

Hello, Peanutbutter. Welcome. I sincerely hope you can find some answers here and improve your life.

You said you wanted no "warm fuzzies," so here's my straight-forward, blunt response to your post. Everything I suggest is drastic because you describe yourself as hopeless and it will take drastic measures on your part to correct the course of your life. No one can do it for you, but it's not too late.

First, stop lying. It's sabotaging you in every way. Few traits in this world are more successful at losing friends and destroying lives than compulsive liars. End this now.

Second, get out of AA. It's the wrong group for pot addicts. Find a non-faith-based addiction program out there that can help. They do exist. Try http://www.smartrecovery.org/ (I am not affiliated. Try any that suit you.) If you don't have any around you, then find an NA chapter. Narcotics Anonymous helps with pot addicts. NA still requires the faith element, though, but you'd be around drug addicts, not alcoholics. (Source: My ex-wife went to NA as a former I.V. meth user.)

Finally, get a qualified psychiatrist and therapist and follow their advice. Suicidal ideations, even if not followed through, are very serious. You already know this. Only a therapist and psychiatrist can help you tackle the point-by-point aspects of your life. None of us on this forum are licensed in behavioral health. You need an expert.

You have to want to change. I cannot stress this enough. If you do not want to change, then this is all empty talk. And only determination will get you through to a better life. It won't be easy, but you gotta start somewhere.

I wish you good luck in your recovery and your improvement.

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

 

[9006]

Welcome here.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey Peanutbutter, welcome to the forum!

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Hello & Welcome to the Forum! =)

Hope you enjoy you're time on here.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

Welcome to the forum Peanutbutter. I hope that you find what you're looking for. Don't give up.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Hello and welcome!

 

[Tulip23]

Hi and welcome I hope you find this site helpful

 

[SonDEre-ix]

I used to use cannabis daily, and one thing I noticed is it makes me lazy and unmotivated to improve my life circumstances. Cannabis makes you content with your life, even if it's horrible. It masks your problems. *removed*

mod edit - We DO NOT allow name calling. You were already warned about this.

 

[Peaches]

I used to use cannabis daily, and one thing I noticed is it makes me lazy and unmotivated to improve my life circumstances. Cannabis makes you content with your life, even if it's horrible. It masks your problems. *removed*

that was really nice and productive to say - NOT

 

[Surcruxum]

Welcome to the site.

to be honest some advices that had already given to you are better than what I was planning to give.

To me, you are a person who only listen to facts, logic and reason, who doesn't care about emotional crap. So I won't sugarcoat my words.

Stop being an unemotional unstable sociopath. TRY to be consistent with something for once in your life. Suicide is the easy way out. Don't be a weakling who doesn't have the guts to continue on with your life. The worst thing you can do is disappoint your father by either suicide or continuing to live like you do now.

Follow the helpful advices and try to be consistent. The reason your life is hell because it's you who created it in the first place. Change your attitude, don't fake it, and your life will change little by little.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I used to use cannabis daily, and one thing I noticed is it makes me lazy and unmotivated to improve my life circumstances. Cannabis makes you content with your life, even if it's horrible. It masks your problems. *removed*

I don't disagree with some of the things you've said here, but I certainly don't think that it was your call to tell someone they're wasting their time praying to God. I don't believe in a particular religion or "God" but I don't think that if people believe in them, they're wrong. If it's something that helps them to get through the day in their darkest times in life, it's a good thing at least.

To the OP, it sounds rough what you're going through and what you've been doing or feeling. But all I can say is, what good you give out to others and to the world, it will eventually come back to you. And it all has to start from you first.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I used to use cannabis daily, and one thing I noticed is it makes me lazy and unmotivated to improve my life circumstances. Cannabis makes you content with your life, even if it's horrible. It masks your problems. *removed*

Marijuana does different things for different people, so just because it makes you lazy and unmotivated, doesn't mean it does that for everyone.

What right do you have to tell someone to stop being an *******? This guy came here for HELP and for you to come in and tell him he's being an ******* is unacceptable. As the saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. If you want to help someone, by all means, help, but, don't just be rude and arrogant about it simply because you think you can.

As for the God part of things, if you want to tell someone that YOU don't believe in God, fine...but don't sit there and say that he doesn't listen. What's true for YOU is not true for everyone. However, since that's a topic that isn't tolerated well on this forum, I will leave it at that.

 

[Sci-Fi]

SonDEre-ix, just in case you don't notice your post was edited. You were already warned once before about name calling. This is the second time, do it again and you will be banned.

 

[SonDEre-ix]

All I said was for him to stop being such an *******. That's exactly how he described himself and for the record, I didn't see the first warning. Both of my name calling comments were posted at almost exactly the same time. I knew I would get in trouble for calling that other guy a *********, but this? Give me a break.

 

[TheRealCallie]

All I said was for him to stop being such an *******. That's exactly how he described himself and for the record, I didn't see the first warning. Both of my name calling comments were posted at almost exactly the same time. I knew I would get in trouble for calling that other guy a *********, but this? Give me a break.

Please do show me where he described himself as an *******? He listed what he believes to be his faults (which is a good thing, as it shows he can be self reflective), but he NEVER said he was an *******. YOU took that upon yourself to say he was being one.