first of thank you so much to everyone that has responded to my posts and that has spoken to me in the chat room. you have no idea how much it means. i was probably at my lowest point then. sometime after that i ended up in the hospital because i threatened to kill myself. after i got out of the hospital i felt so much better i felt like maybe i do have people who care after all, that maybe i just lost sight of that. but this feeling hasn't lasted. i think it was more so a guilty conscience that made them call 911, than anything else. i feel right back where i was, isolated and alone. i have made more of an effort to be around people but it doesn't seem to help. when i'm there, i'm really not there. my mind is somewhere else. i'm so tired of being this way, i feel like i have no real reason to be this depressed.
i still can't seem to get over the guy i very briefly saw months ago. he's always in my thoughts. i loved and still love him so much. i find myself trying to recall every detail of when we were together, because i guess memories of the situation are all i'll ever have. i know that i shouldn't but i still want to hope that there is some chance he'll want me again.
one of my friends was telling me about how, around the time i was in the hospital (not that he knew about it), he asked about how i was. that he said he had been thinking about things lately and how he can't believe that he acted the way that he did, that he was an *******. when i hear something like this i can't help but get hopeful. i think that maybe he says that knowing he missed out on something great but at the same time i sure thats not what he was saying at all. i think i take his concern the wrong way, i want to think it means he loves me after all. he more likely just feels guilty, i'm sure he isn't thinking these things because he misses me. i highly doubt he thinks of me the same way i think of him.
the thing is the more time i spend away from him the more i want to be with him. i feel like for the first time in my life i know exactly what i want, thats why i hurt so much because i know i'm never going to have it. i feel awful, i know plenty of people who get to be with the person they fall in love with. why can't i, i feel like i have waited so long to finally feel this way about someone. why can't i finally get to have the love of this wonderful person. why don't i get to be happy.
i started seeing a new therapist and started some new meds, but i considering changing already because i don't like the way she was treating me. when telling her about all that i have been trying to deal with, i felt she was making light of things, which made me feel worse. she keeps referring to him as my boyfriend and saying we were in a relationship, but actually we weren't, that what i desperately wanted and when she says that its like rubbing more salt into the wound. she asks me things like when did you meet this love of your life, it always sounds like she's mocking me. like i'm far to young to think this was love, that this wasn't real.
i'm sorry its such a long post. i'm just so glad this sort of thing exists because i feel like i have no where else to go.
i still can't seem to get over the guy i very briefly saw months ago. he's always in my thoughts. i loved and still love him so much. i find myself trying to recall every detail of when we were together, because i guess memories of the situation are all i'll ever have. i know that i shouldn't but i still want to hope that there is some chance he'll want me again.
one of my friends was telling me about how, around the time i was in the hospital (not that he knew about it), he asked about how i was. that he said he had been thinking about things lately and how he can't believe that he acted the way that he did, that he was an *******. when i hear something like this i can't help but get hopeful. i think that maybe he says that knowing he missed out on something great but at the same time i sure thats not what he was saying at all. i think i take his concern the wrong way, i want to think it means he loves me after all. he more likely just feels guilty, i'm sure he isn't thinking these things because he misses me. i highly doubt he thinks of me the same way i think of him.
the thing is the more time i spend away from him the more i want to be with him. i feel like for the first time in my life i know exactly what i want, thats why i hurt so much because i know i'm never going to have it. i feel awful, i know plenty of people who get to be with the person they fall in love with. why can't i, i feel like i have waited so long to finally feel this way about someone. why can't i finally get to have the love of this wonderful person. why don't i get to be happy.
i started seeing a new therapist and started some new meds, but i considering changing already because i don't like the way she was treating me. when telling her about all that i have been trying to deal with, i felt she was making light of things, which made me feel worse. she keeps referring to him as my boyfriend and saying we were in a relationship, but actually we weren't, that what i desperately wanted and when she says that its like rubbing more salt into the wound. she asks me things like when did you meet this love of your life, it always sounds like she's mocking me. like i'm far to young to think this was love, that this wasn't real.
i'm sorry its such a long post. i'm just so glad this sort of thing exists because i feel like i have no where else to go.
