I think I'm doing very bad...

[kaafee123]

Let me start by saying I'm scared to go to a psychologist because of the amount of problems he might diagnose me with. I know lots of people google their symptoms and I tend to fall under every mental illness and my family genetic pool isn't that great so I'm very worried.

So, I think I have to give my life story to discuss my problems. I've never shared this with anyone so I ask you to bear with me. For starters, my family. My father was an alcoholic that left me and my mother when I was 6. I don't remember anything then, but I'll fast forward until I do remember. So I became 10 and my immigrant mother and her boyfriend moved into a house. I remember I had no problems then and played with everybody. My mom's boyfriend was a drug dealer. Maybe one other thing worthy of note is the fact that I remember when we used to play spin the bottle and I was supposed to kiss a girl I ran home because I was so nervous. So perhaps my "illness" or whatever manifested even then.

The next thing that I think is important was when I became 12. We weren't doing so good in terms of money (never were) and my mom worked as an escort (it pains me to say this..) and got a new boyfriend. This new boyfriend was a crack addict. I started noticing this when they locked themselves in their room for 24 hours a day and they wouldn't even give me money to go to the movies with friends because they spent it all on crack. I was 12 at the time, and understood what they were doing.

After that things got pretty bad. They didn't have money to pay the rent for the house so we got evicted. I managed to keep a spare key so for the next 6 months or so we would live there illegally and they were still doing crack while I escaped from that pain via playing video games on my Xbox. It got worse. After a while they devised a plan and started dragging me along to go to churches with them so they could ask priests for money so we could eat and stay in hotels and - of course - they could buy more crack. I saw my mother's health deteriorating before my eyes and had no friends because we were constantly moving to different motels. Ultimately when I was around 14 my mother got deported to another country. I went with her.

We moved to this new country for about 5 years. I was there illegally my whole stay (due to the fact that they enlist you into the army if you acquire a passport) so I had to do literally nothing for 5 years. I could not go to school, and had no friends or anything because I didn't go anywhere. I just watched TV shows, movies, and played video games again the whole 5 years. This is when I discovered I had scoliosis and severe cystic acne.

My mother and I moved back recently to the original country and while my mom seems to have moved on and forgotten I just can't. Nowadays I'm always depressed and I can't even leave the house in the daytime because of how bad my face looks. This has caused me to fail my first year at college and not make any friends because whenever somebody tries to talk to me I shy away because of how hideous I look. I just want to get away from people to avoid those awkward and uncomfortable feelings. I quit my job because of this, and have failed college. I just couldn't go to class and sit next to people so close where they could see my pizza face. Also, whenever I talk it's like an incompetent phrase filled with metaphors and weird analogies. I sense this because no one ever understands what I'm trying to say - I talk too fast and make no sense, and when I think of something in my mind it comes out differently when I say it.

I'm always depressed, and anxious, and shy, and nervous, and overthinking. Talking with people or communicating in anyway is mentally tiring and I get drained. I always wanted to have a girlfriends and lots of friends and maybe even be an actor. Now I just get extremely anxious around people. Also, I can't sleep at night until around 5am. My mind is in constant overdrive and I overthink every little detail to the point of insanity. I also have bad thoughts sometimes that seems to come from a third party (like a "voice"...but it's my voice) because i can't ignore them.

Hm...what else. I always feel amotivated and have no talent in anything. I'm always jealous of people who have it better than me just because of luck of the draw. I've started taking an interest in spirituality and the afterlife and just want to die quicker to get this stupid life over with.


So there's that. I'm extremely nervous about the future because I have no family savings or family or money anything and I'm afraid I'll be homeless on the streets. This is not who I wanted to be. I'm very scared. Does anyone understand what I'm going through?

Please help, thank you.

 

[Peaches]

hey, I really feel for you, sorry you have to go through all that - you had quite the tough luck with family and upbringing, I am sure you need help but not one from a therapist, or maybe just some really nice psychologist, possibly one who works with cognitive behavioral therapy, to help you make the priorities in confronting the massive amount of problems that you have to face.
Dermatologists can help most skin conditions nowdays, that sounds like a priority all right. Sometimes all it takes is some creams, antiseptic wash and not touching the skin, sometimes there are pills (hormons or such) that can be taken, anyway there is hope.

Be kind to yourself, because you did have to go through a lot, but you can make it, one step at the time. I don't mean to sound patronizing, sorry if it sounds like that, it's just that I can relate to many of the things you write (except the drug dealing etc). It's easy when there are so many problems to be overwhelmed and think one has some kind of mental problem, but I think the mere fact that you can write about these terrible events in your life with a minimum of equanimity proves that your mental health is not that bad
I think that overthinking is very much related to a) staying at home too much without a physical outlet or contact with nature b) having so many problems and worries (careful with voices anyway). I mention this, because sometimes doctors hear that and they translate that to ADD or schizophrenia when one would just need some exercise and mental peace. Anyway, you know what is going on in your mind, it's always healthier to doubt and fear than just go on and follow the voices
About nervousness I can totally recommend cutting down sugar and taking walks in peaceful places, sounds silly but it can do wonders to even really bad cases of agitation.

 

[whispers]

Hi Kaafee, its sad that a child has to be brought up like that. A psychologist could help, not for mental problems, just because of what happened in your life. You didnt have a model, father figure. Every boy should have one, wether its a friend or an uncle. So i think you have no model to remember how to deal with life. Getting help will help you sort out, what you want to do, and give you the confidence to do it.

I know that a dermatologist can be costly, i just want to say that the emotional translation of acnee is feeling dirty and not good enough. it is also a way for the body to push away people, probably because of your lack of self confidence. Look up the plant Plantain , its a green leaf, i think it grows all over the world. you can make a tea with it and wash your face with it , or just soak the leaf in hot water, break it up a bit and leave it on your face for a while, very effective for pimples, boils etc.

You can come here anytime to talk about anything, but i do hope you get help... you are not sick, you just didnt have an easy life.

 

[Sci-Fi]

First, welcome to the site.

Second... wow reading your story...you are an incredibly strong person for making it through all that. You should really go back to school, finish college. You made it that far.

 

[grainofrice24]

Hi kaffee, welcome to the forum!

Your story is incredibly moving and inspiring. It's unfortunate that you were brought into such unwelcoming circumstances for a child to be brought into. It's a testament to your strength that you have made it today, but I appreciate your concerns for tomorrow.

I think that a psychologist could be of some use, but a friend with whom you can talk to freely is more important. If you had a friend who could sit and have a pleasant chat about whatever your interested in ( other than video games) you'd realize that
a) most people will not judge you as harshly as you think regarding your appearance.
b) your conversational skills will improve with practice

And when I say "conversation" I don't count posts on a forum or chat room! I mean REAL LIFE CONVERSATION. :club:

 

[SophiaGrace]

All diagnoses are for is to help select a treatment that would work best with your disorder and to bill your insurance with. It in no way labels you a freak okay?

Honestly i think you should focus on getting treatment for your acne first before going to a psychologist.

 

[MadMonkè]

well... you've seen the worst.
you are a survivor.. good job.

but to avoid repeating the past, you need to keep learning.
I am the same when I try to convey complex ideas or just try to be smart... nobody understands me.... I've always grown up alone... The Simpsons raised me cuz my parents were hard at work.
Despite your mom's addiction, she did her best to take care of you... and you owe it to her and yourself to work hard and get out of that situation. and make her proud.

looks are not as important in life as you think.... sure pretty people get it easy.. but hard work builds a strong character... you can see and act on right and wrong....
check out stephen hawkins yo. the dude is paralyzed and still outsmarts everyone... and paving the way for people to understand the universe. anyway...

If you are like me, you have 1 thing going for you. you've got nothing to loose.
so get to work. learn as much as you can. and get honeysuckle done. people are too consumed by frivolous activities and if you can put your head down and focus, eventually, you will find a way.

all you have is time. keep testing yourself to see how far you can go.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I also have bad thoughts sometimes that seems to come from a third party (like a "voice"...but it's my voice) because i can't ignore them.

Firstly, I really suggest you do get this checked out - it sounds to me (though I am unqualified on the topic) like it could at worst be a symptom of schizophrenia.

If you have a condition like that and it's undiagnosed, it's not going to make life any easier for you - you'll simply have to face any problems with no medical support, which is a harsh experience you really don't need.

While making that initial contact to get yourself checked over might be frightening, I would advise it. You've been through an awful lot and there is absolutely no shame or weakness in getting help treating any lasting impression it may have left on your mind

I'd also like to say that you must be a really strong person to cope as you have - you sound like a decent person put into an impossible situation.

Hm...what else. I always feel amotivated and have no talent in anything. I'm always jealous of people who have it better than me just because of luck of the draw. I've started taking an interest in spirituality and the afterlife and just want to die quicker to get this stupid life over with.

At the very least, you have a talent for surviving experiences that would have others cave in on their values.

Your points here have also been well-written and explained precisely, showing you are intelligent and have a natural ability to convey yourself well. This is impressive given the disruption to your education that you mentioned, and I think you are too harsh on yourself.

Don't give up. You've pulled yourself out of a shitty situation and got into college - that's brilliant. Now you just need to focus on your studies.

You can do anything with sufficient determination, and you have proved that you have that in spades. Now it's just a case of unlocking how to put that to use

 

[kaafee123]

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for at least remotely being able to relate. Most of my friends are depressed because they bought a 4 bedroom house and not the 6 bedroom one and I just want to be normal...I guess we all do here. I'll try my best to help you get through your problems as well here on these forums.

TheSolitaryMan, I'm probably leaning towards schizotypal. I have no symptoms of schizophrenia and I don't see or hear stuff that isn't there, and probably shouldn't have even included the word "voices" as that usually triggers schizophrenia diagnosis. It's more like bad thoughts get through forcefully sometimes and force me to *think* them, mostly when I'm under the influence.

I haven't given up, but it's getting very hard. I wake up and feel empty. Sometimes I hear a sad song on the radio and just can't hold it in and cry - and I'm a guy. Probably embarrassing.

I just don't get life, you know? Some people are just born into a rich prosperous family and don't ever have to have a care in the world, why do we have to face all these problems? What is this preparing me for? This didn't make me stronger but destroyed all my dreams. Life is cruel and sometimes it's hard to pull through. You sacrifice everything for man-made currency and numbers in a bank account. In the end you have nothing to show for it except a tired body, a cynical, depressed worn-out mind. I don't know how to tell people I just want to sit at home for the rest of my life. I can't deal with people and I cringe when someone even says something a little bit negative about me, or I'm always afraid of getting hurt more. I can't even webcam or skype because I still feel like people will be judging me! Only texting helps.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Hi Kaafee....you and me both.

I can relate to you in so so many ways.
Though I didnt experinced your version of the share living hell of it all. It's like some fucken
twisted version of the twighlightzone never the less. Dysfucntional on over drive.

Im ACOA or ACA. Adult child of an Alcoholic or Addict.
I'm not sure if I was the lost fucken child, neglected child or the abused child.
The mental, emotional physical and spiritaul abuse of it all.
I learned about flight theory and gravity at the age of 4 or 5.
Becuase my abusive drunken father threw me head first againt the wall.
Im not going into detail about my story or high jack your thread...
Mainly...I might just fucken snappp. it's still too painful for me to talk about it.

Nah...just your negative inner vioce...from all the negative crap you absorb
growing up in a very very negative enviorment.

That vioce is normal. A lot of people have it or hear it...but they hear positive messages
about themselve. Sometimes it's call having a positve inner dialog with yourself.

Most ACOA have OCD or OCPD. My god **** mind wont stop.
Lots and lots of un resolved anger and issues that our brain tries to resolve..but it cant.
WHY ???? becuase we didnt cuased it and we cant cure it. it's not our fualt.
We werent the ones drinking and using and we were powerless over other's drinking and using problems.


Alcohol abuse and drugs addictions continue to effect me and my love ones.

You might try googling ACOA or ACA to get more informations.
Reach out ...keep reaching out.
There's people like you and me. People that had found a way out
of that living hell.

Im sorry you have to live through that...no one deserve to live through that. I dont even wish it upon my enemy.
It's very, very ,very bad bad bad...
It's okay to cry. Im a grown man. Hot tears flows out of me sometimes still.

To combat the negative inner voice. You simply just have to play positive messages about yourself.
The vioce is neutrual or normal. You're always going to have.
Think of it as replace a CD in a CD player.
Notice when you listen to music....sometimes you'll hear a song in your head over and over again without the music player on.
Thats all that vioce is...Everyone have a sort of built in Ipod in thier brain. We all can retrieve our favorite songs from our heads.

What I did is made a recording of myself using the vioce recorder from my cell phone or MP3 player.
I wrote a list of 100 positive things about myself or what I would like to be..such as "Im happy" "I'm a good person"..ect
I listen to that recording of myself everyday...as much as I can for 2-3 months.
Sometimes I'll still listen to it....
It's much easier then to constantly tell myself postive stuff. The recording is automatic.
After a while...you'll start hearing positive message of yourself..that'll just pop into your head
Graudually I'm able to do positive self talk...I'll catch myself faster and faster.
Every now and then...a negative message will pop into my head...that's ok. I simply tell myself to stop.
Then do postive self talk.

I'm also working on creating postive feelings...it's the same process.
I recall as many positive experince as I can. The feelings laughters or joy.
Anything that will trigger or generate positive feelings.

I do the samething with my thoughts or images in my head...positive images...pretty images.
Positive images of myself.

So there's 3 factor...the vioce, thoughts and feelings.

I have to recondition myself or re parent myself.....Reverse the process of the negative crap I lived through.

I must do this....I must fix or repair myself.
No shirk or no one is going to be able to fix me just by telling me I'm ok or it'll be ok just a couple of times or visits.
It's a mental exercise. I take an hour each day to actively do this.
If i have to tell myself, image myself or feel good about myself 5 mins at a time. If that's what it takes then that's what it takes.
Oneday at a time.

You and i live through years of negativities and abuses. We didnt get this way overnite.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

if you have been isolating yourself on purpose....you simply have cabin fever.
Trust me...I know what I'm talking about. i didnt leave my house for months.
Due to lack of being around people and all the crazy crap that gose in my head
it was a narely combination.

Being around humans again made me wanted to vommit.
Even hot babes made me wanted to vommit.

A simple cure for that is to just start going outside everyday.
Take baby steps.
I forced myself to go outside or take walks around a local park.
Gradually I allow people near me. i wounldnt even talk to them but it was progress.
Graudually I attended a support group. i didnt say much. It was just some place
safe for me to go to be around people so I wouldnt isolate myself anymore.
Gradually I felt comfortiable enough to chit chat with people.

 

[MadMonkè]

cant give enough rep to this guy...

thanks