I think I'm really shallow. How do I get over it?

[SomeoneSomewhere]

Before you start telling me that I'm an a-hole, let me explain.

All through my childhood, I haven't been attracted to a lot of girls. And the ones that I have been attracted to, I would automatically assume that they are "out of my league" because they would already be getting a lot of attention from other guys.

So I have missed my most important developmental years when the people see the world around them, realizes what they like, etc.

I'm all for the person inside and the inner-person theory but when you see someone new, it is their appearance that attracts you to them, right?

So now, when I see a not-so-attractive girl, I just don't bother even if deep inside, I feel like I'd want to be (or I could be) friends with her. Now, I don't have really high standards (I don't think I have any standards) but when I see a attractive girl (now, attractive doesn't specifically mean good looking, they'd just be the ones that I like (a lot of the times, far from the conventionally beautiful ones)), I just assume that I'm too ugly for them and I don't even look at them - judging both me and the girl at the same time. I don't know, I feel like some of those girls could be beautiful on the inside too.

And there are the ones who I'm intimidated by really easily (this happens with almost every girl but still...). It could be because of a strong personality trait, looks and anything else in the world.

So I know I'm not trying to be shallow, I just am. Does anyone here know how to solve this?

 

[9006]

I don't believe people need to go through this "developmental" stage to get some perspective on things, not everyone is the same; just like the way it's not always looks that attracts everyone to everyone else.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" but I don't think people are bad for going for good looking girls, however there must be something more than that - maturity plays a bit part in this.

With all that being said I don't think you're shallow from what you say, it's more of a confidence issue. If you never make a move because you think you're ugly then you'll never meet anyone. You should think about that when you have an opportunity.

 

[Peaches]

I will never forget a line from sex and the city (yeah, yeah, I know, say whatever you want but it did have some good lines) where one of the girls starts sleeping in secret with this guy who eventually she will marry, and she tells her gay friend that she doesn't find this guy attractive, and the gay friend explodes " ugly sex is HOT". That should work for you if you think you are not so good looking (which is probably unlikely, as half of this forum's members could be models and they think they are monsters), but also for girls, if you see a girl that you don't find attractive (according to what standards? TV standards? is it a status thing? Does going out with a pretty girl make you feel more important?) maybe you can see if she can be sexy in other ways? Actually it is well known that the best sex comes from not-so-attractive people, because they have to put more effort into it.

 

[MTrip]

I didn't know you were looking to boink with average-looking girls!... But seriously, yeah: It is shallow behavior to be hung up on looks. But You have not stated that appearance is your most important priority. If it is your most important priority for what you want in a woman, & if you want to change that, then start by looking at other qualities. Focus on behavior for instance. A woman can have PMOY-quality looks & still be a selfish, inconsiderate *****. How does the object of your scrutiny treat other people? That would be a good start. Even if she's a tiger in bed, if she doesn't treat others well then you're in for a relationship you will not enjoy...unless you're a masochist. Which I presume is not the case.

 

[Mike413]

I know I'm shallow. I love to look at hot women. I don't want to get over it.

 

[Superfly47]

You should try to think of the underlying cause of this.

Some possibilities:

Low self-esteem, you think your worth is partially determined or completely determined by your partners look. If she’s good looking, you must be successful, if she’s unattractive, you’re a failure.

You’re scared of dating for some reason. So your mind creates a different reason for why you can’t find someone to go out with. Maybe deep down you think they’ll reject you, so this is a way to keep yourself from getting hurt.

 

[SomeoneSomewhere]

I guess a lot of it stems from my general distrust of humanity and how I feel like everyone in this world is selfish (I feel my parents were selfish too for having me because they only wanted someone to take care of them when they get old and to give them a good lifestyle. I've actually told this to my mom a few times.).

So when I see a boy or a girl with someone they shouldn't "conventionally" be with, I sense an ulterior motive to it. Like when I see a good looking girl with a fat/ugly guy, I feel like the guy would be rich and the girl is after his money. When I see a good looking guy with an ugly girl, it could be sex. When I even see two people who would be of slightly different leagues, I sense some selfish motive there too. Like when I saw this girl with this extremely popular but not as good looking guy, I thought that the girl was after the popularity the guy has. So I can never believe people would do something out of just being good or something like love (I believe in love, I just don't believe it practically exists).

You’re scared of dating for some reason. So your mind creates a different reason for why you can’t find someone to go out with. Maybe deep down you think they’ll reject you, so this is a way to keep yourself from getting hurt.

Thanks for your reply and I feel like this could be it. When I even see a girl looking at me, I turn away so I've practically "rejected" the girl before she can reject me. I mean things are that messed up for me right now.

And I guess a lot of it is valid because it would take the girl so much more to accept me than she would accept any other guy. So I've either given up (I don't see a point in trying), or I haven't come across a girl who I think would accept me with all my flaws and issues.

Thank you for your reply though. It helped me pour out a lot.

---

I will never forget a line from sex and the city (yeah, yeah, I know, say whatever you want but it did have some good lines) where one of the girls starts sleeping in secret with this guy who eventually she will marry, and she tells her gay friend that she doesn't find this guy attractive, and the gay friend explodes " ugly sex is HOT". That should work for you if you think you are not so good looking (which is probably unlikely, as half of this forum's members could be models and they think they are monsters), but also for girls, if you see a girl that you don't find attractive (according to what standards? TV standards? is it a status thing? Does going out with a pretty girl make you feel more important?) maybe you can see if she can be sexy in other ways? Actually it is well known that the best sex comes from not-so-attractive people, because they have to put more effort into it.

P.S. I'm not a sex-craving monster! It isn't all I want in a relationship and I've pushed my libido so low that I don't think if I even want it. I can even do with an asexual girl who's heteroromantic and can just love me and support me.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I can relate to this.

I went to the supermarket tonight, and saw all sorts of hot young women there. I assumed I was out of all of their leagues, even to the point where I didn't deserve to breathe the same air as them.

It's a confidence issue. If we felt better about our looks, we would BE with one of these women. Not dreaming about them, and feeling bad about ourselves.

 

[edamame721]

Hmm...I think it's better to just try to get to know women in general, whether they are physically attractive to you or not. You may fall for someone's looks but what makes you able to "be" with someone is who they really are, and looks aren't really a huge part of that.

Why not try to be friends with someone first and not just automatically size them up as dating material when you meet them? I'm sure you'd like women to view you the same way and not as a checklist of dating wants.

EDIT: By the way, I don't mean to sound like I think you're an a-hole. You seem to understand already that you should just get to know people. The only one holding you back is yourself and I hope you can overcome what's stopping you.

 

[Alienated]

Real simple answer to that... Be honest with others, put other people needs before yours, really listen to others, and always keep you word.

That will help allot.

 

[ForGrantedWife]

I can tell you from personal experience as a woman who was attractive to men from different walks of life and ages (Seriously, I'm not trying to be a sh*thead braggart or talk myself up because hey I'm married and pretty much ignored now so a lot of good it did me) when I was available that attractive women are not always looking for the hottest guys. I was turned OFF by hot guys. Why? A man-whore womanizing father who was absolutely gorgeous to look at and hilarious and plowed through women like a hot knife through butter. It sickened me. He caused so much pain to so many women. Those types were the ones I ran from like the devil was on my tail. When I met my husband I wouldn't call him traditionally good looking. Just ok. And I was seriously hot over smart men no matter what they looked like. You need to understand that women are not cookie cutter creatures looking for the same thing in a man. I was looking for someone who would be a good family man, committed, non-cheater, loving. Looks were not important and I was a pretty enough girl when I was that age. I got cat calls at my 8th grade graduation from men I had never seen before. So yeah, take a chance. The worst that can happen is a turn down, but if you go in expecting it then it might not smart so badly. If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Good advice, ForGranted.

 

[Senamian]

ForGranted has a very good point, and awesome explanation to go with it!

As for you OP, due to what you said... That just means we are all shallow, just a little, down inside because we have standards.

You are not going to like every Jane Doe. I surely do not like every Jon Doe. For instance, I have to have a level of intellect in a guy, that is not overly extensive (dated one!) or below my intellect (dated that too). I also am a tad picky on looks as well - maybe it's "shallow" or perhaps it is "normal"! No one is perfect. We're just perfectly imperfect.

 

[lostatsea]

I have a lot of issues, and one of them is EXACTLY the same as yours. I am not necessarily socially awkward, but I am very shy with women. So much so that I have never made the first move. I have however had a handful of girls make the first move with me. My problem is that my shallow brain was never into any of them. Not a single one. So I wasn't interested and rejected them.

The only girls I have been into are girls I deem to be way too hot for me. So much so that I don't even try. It stems from a lot of things, and for me one of them is self esteem. How could a girl like that ever be into me?!?! The funny thing is I've pointed some of these "dream girls" out to friends and they are completely baffled by me. They'll say yeah she's pretty good looking but you're making her out to be a supermodel or something. It's really more in your head than anything.

The sad thing I don't have an answer or solution for you. I just know it's not as simple as I'm shallow. It is probably tied to self esteem, confidence, etc. At least that's how it is in my case. I just thought it was remarkable you have the same problem as me.

 

[I_suffer]

SomeoneSomewhere,
I don't think finding some women more attractive than others makes a person shallow, even if the attraction (or lack of it) is based on appearances. I think most people find themselves attracted (or not) by appearances and by other traits you might call "shallow". It is just that these days it is politically incorrect to admit it. Don't fall for it. You are not shallow. That is not your problem; your problem is the feeling of intimidation and the insecurity about your own appearance. Again, we all feel those things to some degree -- and that's the issue here; it's the degree to which those feelings are screwing you up. I sympathize with you because I am also insecure with women in the ways you describe. There is only so much you can do to control your appearance. You can keep yourself physically fit, and that you should do. But there are some features of ourselves, both physical and psychological, we are stuck with.

An additional thought I have is that there are likely to be women looking at you who find you attractive, but you have no idea. Hell, maybe some of them even have similar issues and are afraid to talk to you!