I want to end it

[InDespair]

I want to end it and if I keep going this way, it will be inevitable. I wake up each day to the realization of my dreadful life and I die a little more each day. My boyfriend of 7yrs left me a month after my Dad died. He was cruel and insensitive, and left me like I was trash. He was diagnosed with bipolar, then he became obsessed with aspergers and got some doctor to validate it. Now, he takes no responsibility for anything. I cried until I made myself sick and went into meltdown. I gave him everything I could, but all he cared about was what I couldn't give. I never met anyone so unfeeling or without compassion. People screw you over and then go on with their life, like it's no big deal. No compassion, just their ass to kiss as they skip out the door. He basically trashed all the years we were together and told me he played with my head and it's what he wanted me to believe. I haven't been the same since and I'm just existing. Scarred & damaged

No sooner had I gone through that, my brother wanted control over my elderly mom's life & benefit from her money and home. I took care of her and my dad for 6yrs and sacrificed my entire life. My brother locked me out of her house, changed the locks and told me I was no longer welcome there. Then he went to an attorney and accused me of stealing money from my mom, so he could discredit me and make himself look better. My mom calls me and cries, but she's too intimidated to stand up and regain her life. I just buried my dad and I don't feel like I have a family at all. It's just too much to deal with and the holidays make it worse. I feel like I've lost everything, including myself. I'm lonely, suffering and in so much pain I can hardly stand it. I can't believe that people can be so EVIL and heartless. Will they ever get what they deserve or do they just go on to the next victim. I've always tried to do what's right and this is what I get for it. I know God is there, but I'm in hell on earth and it gets harder every day. I try to have hope, but I cry and think of ways to end it. I feel so worthless.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

(((((((InDespair))))))))

I'm very,very sorry that you are going through that.
I'm sorry you lost your father.
I'm sorry you BF used you, and abandent you when you needed him most.

Grieving is the worst feeling anyone can go through. It can over whelm anyone.
There's different stages a person can go through while grieving..they don't come in the proper order as written.
They come in waves after waves. Some of the waves are too big, it feels.

I'm sorry there's been so much lost in your life all at once.
It's too much to bare for anyone. I wish I could cry your tears
for you to releave some of your pains.

Nothing I say to you will take that the pain away.
I wish there's comfort in your life somehow.
I don't know how you feel exaclty, but I can relate.
I wish it upon no one. You kind of wrote my story
of what I went through this past year.

It's okay for you to feel angery.
It's okay for you to cry.
It's okay for you to hurt.
It's okay to feel you lost hope.

I want you to know....even if you don't know me. I care.
Please hold on and reach out to people.
Plasse Don't give up .....
Don't isolate yourself as I did...it's made it worst.

If you want someone to listen to you. Feel free to PM me.

 

[Steel]

(((Indespair)))

Yes, people can be evil, unfortunately.

I have one suggestion when it comes to your Mom... have you thought about contacting social services, and explaining the story to them? Perhaps see if they could arrange to send someone to speak to your mother... since its clear that she is unhappy. It sounds to me as if your brother is a bully, so it doesn't surprise me that she is unable to stand up to him herself, particularly at a vulnerable time.

 

[InDespair]

Lonesome Crow, thank you for reaching out comfort to me. I'm feeling everything you said and maybe tonite I won't cry as much. It's been so hard and there's days I don't even know who I am anymore. It's ashame that someone can destroy your heart and your identity goes along with it. How I got this far is a mystery. I don't know what you've gone through, maybe you can share more, but you say my story is like your story. I don't wish this on anyone and I too am sorry to hear of your heartache and pain. You have a good heart to reach out to a stranger, like me. People have no idea how much others suffer from their selfish acts. Now that it's xmas I think of scrooge and all the ghosts of christmas past. I think those that hurt others need to be reminded as well, but would they even care. You aren't just walking away, you're leaving a trail of destruction that could be someone's life. I miss my Dad every single day, I worry about my Mom and I try to hold on. I'm so afraid to give my heart to anyone anymore. Love is not supposed to be like this. I want to be normal again and yet I don't even know what that is anymore. I've already isolated myself Lonesome crow and I can't help it. As bad as it is, it's the only place I feel safe. I try not to dwell, but there is no relief. I'm depressed, torn and shattered. Thank you for your kind heart and the gesture of communication. I do need a friend that understands. I haven't felt like myself in a long time. Will I ever?

 

[InDespair]

Hello Steel and thank you for your advice. Yes, I have thought of contacting social services, but my Mom is so intimidated that if they asked her anything...she would say nothing is wrong. I've fought with this dilemma and it's eaten me up inside. My brother is wicked to the core and he gains strength from the fact that she won't speak up for herself. I talked with an attorney in elderly law and they told me it's a whole dynamic when people side with those that are abusing them. It's even worse in the elderly, because they've lost so much and don't want to lose whatever they have left and that goes double for their children. How he can live with himself, I just don't know. I've gotten an ulcer from it all and I feel so helpless.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yes..I feel better today.
Am i normal ?I'm not sure
Am I stronger ? I'm not sure
Am I the same as before ? ..definitly not
Will life be the same as before...definitely not.
I hope it gets better...
I feel happiness in my life again today.
Today, I actaully felt happy almost like myself before
I met my ex in a different sort of way.

I feel like i can live again and want to live again.

Will you feel better? ....I want to say YES..becuase it's possible
I can't say everything is going to be okay when it's not okay.

I had the double whammy going ...a long term relationship break up and a death of a love one.
You have the triple decker..family problems too. That has to be very, very hard to cope or live through.

Alot of people here help me a lot...such as Steel.
He makes me laugh. I allow myself to laugh to take a
time out from my grieving.

I needed to heal and i met poeple on here that cares
and reached out to me. They help me and guide me through
my trouble times. Sometimes I would just sit on my PC,
type and cry my heart out...but it's okay.

Sometimes I'll just write letters to Jenni ( my close friend, she passed away this year)
I love her so much..i miss her still to this day.

Sometimes i'll just write about how I feel.
All my anger..everything.

Sometimes i roll myself into a ball and cry myself to sleep....it's okay not to be okay.

Naleena reach out to me and talk to me. It helps alot
to just hear another human being's voice.

I started going outside of my house everyday. So that I don't
isolate myself inside my house anymore.
At first i just took a walk.
Gradually i started riding my bike.

I removed all object of my ex-gf

she's still alive , we broke up this sametime last year
err..more like she left me for dead...took me for everything I had and just turned stone cold.
We were in a 12 years relationship. After 12 years of my life with her..i figure i get at least 5 mins
of her time....but she dosn't care what happens to me or what i go through.
It's simple i know...if people used me and abuse me...they don't give a rats ass...from a stranger
I can kind of process that easier...but from someone that you love and live with for many years
and they tell you that they love you almost everyday....It was kind of hard for me to figure out
or process it...it didn't make anysence. The answer is simple ..i know. The truth hurts like a son
of a gun. It just blows my mind and rip my heart to pieces. She's evil I guess as you say about your ex-bf.

Anyway,....anything and everything that would remind me of her....it triggers alot of emotions in me.

I also stopped listening to pop music or the radio for a while. Too many love songs or break up songs.
They trigger a lot of emotions...My emotions where shot...it felt like i was on a major emotional roller coaster.
I listen to new age music for a while...soothing and healing music....music without words.

Then I started attending support groups...just so that
i don't isolate myself. I could go and talk to people about
what I was going through without being judge.

You might also try getting help for yourself through the mental
health department. Don't be ashame. The people there do care
about you . They want you to heal. Maybe just talk to a doctor
or a nurse...someone anyone.
Local mental healty department usually have free services.

Just keep reaching out. Stay in contact with people that
cares about you and want to help you...
Even though it might seem like your just hanging out by a piece
of thread. Hold ON

((((((((((InDespair)))))))))

Just by talking to you is also helping me heal. I care about you and what happens to you.

 

[LonelyDragon]

Hello Steel and thank you for your advice. Yes, I have thought of contacting social services, but my Mom is so intimidated that if they asked her anything...she would say nothing is wrong. I've fought with this dilemma and it's eaten me up inside. My brother is wicked to the core and he gains strength from the fact that she won't speak up for herself. I talked with an attorney in elderly law and they told me it's a whole dynamic when people side with those that are abusing them. It's even worse in the elderly, because they've lost so much and don't want to lose whatever they have left and that goes double for their children. How he can live with himself, I just don't know. I've gotten an ulcer from it all and I feel so helpless.

Still talk to Social Services. And explain to them just what you said here. Make sure they know that she may not be forthcoming. Maybe they can get enough out of her to move ahead a little more from there.

Ask them about the legality of recording your calls with her. If they say that is ok, then do it. Then you have at least her recorded word of what's going on. Even if it's not quite "legal" it still may be worth doing.

 

[jjam]

I'm sorry about your pain. Heartbreak is something I hope I never feel, even though I often feel I deserve it for something I did once, and as a young teen at that. That's probably why I don't easily invest my heart into people.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Your brother is an *******. the sooner your mother realizes that once she speaks out; things will improve, the better. You just need to convince her of this somehow.

What is she afraid will happen if she reports your brother??

I'm so sorry you feel sad(((((((((hug))))))))

 

[blueindia2681]

Sending you a BIG TIGHT BEAR HUG!!! =( sorry you are going through all of this.

 

[InDespair]

I had the double whammy going ...a long term relationship break up and a death of a love one.
You have the triple decker..family problems too. That has to be very, very hard to cope or live through.
((((((((((InDespair)))))))))

Just by talking to you is also helping me heal. I care about you and what happens to you.

Lonesome crow, you really have gone through what I'm experiencing and still are in many ways. 12yrs is a long time to forget and your Jenni sounded like a wonderful person. It's hella hard to heal!!! You try to pull away the layers of pain, but there's always another one underneath. You want to talk to someone, but are ashamed you let someone do this to you. I have my triggers too. Music was tough and I resorted to new age & Deepak Chopra, sad but true. Movies with any kind of romance in it is like torture. Driving and happening upon a place we went, sent me into tears. For a long time I stayed away from anything that reminded me of him. Everything once special to me, I had to leave it alone. It's like he crippled my life. I used to do graphic design and loved digital artwork. When he left me my creativity went in the effin toilet. It hurt, because his love was my inspiration. I feel so used and stupid, that so much of my life revolved around him. I didn't realize that till he was gone and if I survive this I'll never do that again.

I can relate totally. You're with someone that tells you they love you everyday, you make plans for the future & build memories together. Then they turn around and tell you that it ALL wasn't real & make you feel crazy. They don't care if you die and detach themselves from your emotions. How can someone just *poof* harden their heart towards you. You ask yourself what did I do to deserve this? You would expect indifference from a stranger, but not from someone you love & gave your life too. I would never do this to anybody that cared about me. Pain puts you in the dark abyss and you feel so worthless, whether it's true or not. I hate myself for even thinking about him in any capacity. Why the hell do we care about people, that no longer care about us? I wish I had an OFF switch. Problems with family just magnify it all. You've also lost a loved one as well and you give me hope of beating this hell. Even intermittent feelings of being ok, would be something. I know I need to get out even if it's for a walk. I have to force myself, somehow. The support I've received here from you and those who care, has really helped. Thank you for caring about me LC!

 

[InDespair]

Still talk to Social Services. And explain to them just what you said here. Make sure they know that she may not be forthcoming. Maybe they can get enough out of her to move ahead a little more from there.

Hi LonelyDragon! I'm really contemplating this and you are right, it doesn't hurt to inquire and see if there "are" any options. I was feeling so defeated. I love my Mom and spent so many years caring for her so she wouldn't end up in a home. To not be able to even visit her without confusion is just wrong. It breaks my heart that she must live out her last years like this and to be accused of things I did not do.

 

[InDespair]

I'm sorry about your pain. Heartbreak is something I hope I never feel, even though I often feel I deserve it for something I did once, and as a young teen at that. That's probably why I don't easily invest my heart into people.

I understand jjam and I appreciate your words. Heartbreak is unbearable and I'm trying to get through it. My trust level at this point is almost non-existent. I don't blame you for being careful with your heart. I know I'm not the only one that's had their feelings dissected and then set on fire, but it still hurts. I don't know if you're with someone, but I hope they will never be callous enough to hurt you in this way and instead be there for you and work it out. Even if they can't be with you anymore at least have the decency to treat you like you're human and allow you to have some dignity.

 

[InDespair]

Your brother is an *******. the sooner your mother realizes that once she speaks out; things will improve, the better. You just need to convince her of this somehow.

What is she afraid will happen if she reports your brother??

I'm so sorry you feel sad(((((((((hug))))))))

You've said a mouthful SophiaGrace. He's an ******* and then some! Before all of this happened I tried to convince my Mom that my brother was not acting in her best interest. At first she was in denial and said he'd never do anything wrong. After pushing the issue, she finally told me that she was afraid he would never do anything for her anymore and I think she feared losing his love. Truth be told, I think he had a lot to do with that mind-set. He's a good manipulator and she's feeble & easily controlled. I'm trying hard to get back in my Mom's life and get her strong again, but it's difficult when I have limited contact [phone]. He can't get rid of me permanently and I know he wants too. They say the wicked don't get stronger, instead they deteriorate and that image brings me peace.
I haven't had a hug in a long time, I needed that. ty

 

[VanillaCreme]

Steel has a point. Contact them, and show them how your brother intimidates your mom. That's not right he does that. That can be considered abuse, and if she's still alive, she's the one with the power, and she can tell them to make you in charge if he's intimidating her. He can't reverse what she states to them. We had to deal with my aunt the same way. She was taking my uncle's checks for years, and he was with us. She never even wanted to have him. We contacted Social Security, and they dealt with her.

Believe me, sweets, it gets better. Just hold on. All your hard work and love and care will pay off.

 

[InDespair]

Sending you a BIG TIGHT BEAR HUG!!! =( sorry you are going through all of this.

Hi BlueIndia, the outpouring of compassion & understanding has been unexpected and so appreciated. thanks for the bear hug!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I had the double whammy going ...a long term relationship break up and a death of a love one.
You have the triple decker..family problems too. That has to be very, very hard to cope or live through.
((((((((((InDespair)))))))))

Just by talking to you is also helping me heal. I care about you and what happens to you.

Lonesome crow, you really have gone through what I'm experiencing and still are in many ways. 12yrs is a long time to forget and your Jenni sounded like a wonderful person. It's hella hard to heal!!! You try to pull away the layers of pain, but there's always another one underneath. You want to talk to someone, but are ashamed you let someone do this to you. I have my triggers too. Music was tough and I resorted to new age & Deepak Chopra, sad but true. Movies with any kind of romance in it is like torture. Driving and happening upon a place we went, sent me into tears. For a long time I stayed away from anything that reminded me of him. Everything once special to me, I had to leave it alone. It's like he crippled my life. I used to do graphic design and loved digital artwork. When he left me my creativity went in the effin toilet. It hurt, because his love was my inspiration. I feel so used and stupid, that so much of my life revolved around him. I didn't realize that till he was gone and if I survive this I'll never do that again.

I can relate totally. You're with someone that tells you they love you everyday, you make plans for the future & build memories together. Then they turn around and tell you that it ALL wasn't real & make you feel crazy. They don't care if you die and detach themselves from your emotions. How can someone just *poof* harden their heart towards you. You ask yourself what did I do to deserve this? You would expect indifference from a stranger, but not from someone you love & gave your life too. I would never do this to anybody that cared about me. Pain puts you in the dark abyss and you feel so worthless, whether it's true or not. I hate myself for even thinking about him in any capacity. Why the hell do we care about people, that no longer care about us? I wish I had an OFF switch. Problems with family just magnify it all. You've also lost a loved one as well and you give me hope of beating this hell. Even intermittent feelings of being ok, would be something. I know I need to get out even if it's for a walk. I have to force myself, somehow. The support I've received here from you and those who care, has really helped. Thank you for caring about me LC!

Yeap...I don't have that OFF/ON switch either. It got me into asking
how in the heck can anyone can do that ? I sure the heck couldn't.
It drove me crazy becuase I didn't have the answer.
Yeap...then I went throught the stage of second guessing myself,
wondering what I did wrong, or started blaming myself for beliving
in this person. Yeap then I went through the.... I started hating myself
becuase it felt like my life was a complete ly for the past 12 years
and I felt so stupid and guliable. Yeap, it made me feel worthless
like I was just trash that you can just throw away.
Then I felt angery.

It's okay to be angery...don't surpress it...it will lead into depression.
I had to find an outlet that wouldn't hurt myself or others.
Writing helps. Maybe draw his face on a pillow and stump on it...
I did a lot of yard work. I took an axe to all the trees around my house.
I also dugged out tree stumps around the yard. It was
as if I had to dig her out of my life. (that's what symbolized in my mind).
I drove out to the dessert and screams at the top lungs and
threw rocks. Anything to release the anger inside of me
without hurting myself or others.

I had to do the... I walked 6 miles into the woods..I had to walk 6miles
out.....( I don't have the OFF swtich)
Taking a walk was a sort of inner strentch I had to find.
With the love and support of people . I started taking steps....
One foot in front of the other. I walked around the block..at first.
It took everything i had...Graudually I was able to walk to a park
close to my house. I wore shade for the longest time...to hide
the tears in my eyes. It was a little goal I set for myself.
It symbolized..that I can go on living.

I also started telling myself " I love myself" everyday.
Every step I took, even as small as taking a walk...I told myself
"good job". i tried to keep a possitive attitude about everything.
It felt like I was going the grain at first..but after a while it go
easier with every step I took...with tears and all..inspite of it
all. I was moving forward. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to
be loved and charish. I bascailly started loving and charishing
myself everyday wheather i wanted to or not.

I also cleaned my house. I made the surrounding with beauty.
Even planting flowers in the garden...anything that represent
beauty in life. Inpite of everything...I belive life is still beautiful
and woth living. Oneday at a time, one step at a time. Sometimes
a moment a moment at a time.

Sometimes I'll slide backwards...I just keep reaching out to people.
People that I met here ...I know they love me and care about me.
Guadually i started running into other people face to face that
cares about and want to help me.

 

[InDespair]

It's okay to be angery...don't surpress it...it will lead into depression.
I had to find an outlet that wouldn't hurt myself or others.
Writing helps. Maybe draw his face on a pillow and stump on it...
I did a lot of yard work. I took an axe to all the trees around my house.
I also dugged out tree stumps around the yard. It was
as if I had to dig her out of my life. (that's what symbolized in my mind).
I

Exactly what you said, is what's happened to me. I have so much bottled up anger and it's gotten pretty bad. I go over things in my mind and imagine telling those that hurt me to go to hell and how to do it! After awhile I can't take it anymore and I just cry. I get so overwhelmed & depressed. You dug your EX out of your life and I need to do the same. Unfortunately, my brother I have to deal with, but he too will get what's coming to him. I do labor over that, but all I'm doing is hurting myself more, I know.

I've written my 2 close friends about what's going on with me and yea, it helped to get it out. I'd save the correspondence on my pc and read it again, and it was kind of therapeutic. I need to write more, even if it's just for myself. I know my friends are there for me, but they have their own set of problems. SO, I put on the fake smile and try to hide the pain. Nobody wants to hear your constant blues, at least that's how I felt.

You've gone through so much lonesome crow and like me, you're still standing. I know you're still healing and helping others in here is your form of therapy, but you've graduated to a more healthier frame of mind. You've found a way to manage your feelings and that isn't easy. I hope to get there! I'm trying so hard. I've given myself 1 goal and that's to go outside and walk in the snow. Such a small thing to most, but to me it's huge! I feel like everyone can see how terrible I feel, so I hide myself a way. Conversations are awkward, but I muddle through it. I used to be so outgoing and strong, now I just go through the motions. I hate him for doing this to me, but I have to pull myself up and change it. Don't know how, but like you said...one day at a time.

I haven't been in here long at all, but the positive vibes have really affected me. I was starving for understanding and some kind of support. Even in my pain, I feel for you and the depth of your loss. U got staying power LC and every person you help is charged by it. I need to stay busy and stop focusing on everything so much. That OFF/ON switch would be mighty handy, especially when I feel like I can't go on. At least I know you guys are here and I'll keep reaching out.

 

[InDespair]

Steel has a point. Contact them, and show them how your brother intimidates your mom. That's not right he does that. That can be considered abuse, and if she's still alive, she's the one with the power, and she can tell them to make you in charge if he's intimidating her. He can't reverse what she states to them. We had to deal with my aunt the same way. She was taking my uncle's checks for years, and he was with us. She never even wanted to have him. We contacted Social Security, and they dealt with her.

Believe me, sweets, it gets better. Just hold on. All your hard work and love and care will pay off.

Hi Vanillacream! yes, Steel and LonelyDragon were on the same page & gave me very good advice. I really backed away from this, because I felt it would do no good. But I see now that it may in fact be beneficial. I still doubt if she'll admit to anything, but at least I can lay a foundation and say I "did" talk to someone. That's so terrible about your Aunt. You see this stuff on Jerry Springer, but you never think it could happen in your own family. No one has the right to take from others for their own benefit and ruin lives in the process. In my situation my character was also trashed and that just made it worse. I try to have faith that things will not turn out the way my brother wants them too. I don't know how anyone can have a clear conscience & prosper from being so dirty. After I think about it awhile, I start to feel ill. thank you for being so kind!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It's okay to be angery...don't surpress it...it will lead into depression.
I had to find an outlet that wouldn't hurt myself or others.
Writing helps. Maybe draw his face on a pillow and stump on it...
I did a lot of yard work. I took an axe to all the trees around my house.
I also dugged out tree stumps around the yard. It was
as if I had to dig her out of my life. (that's what symbolized in my mind).
I

Exactly what you said, is what's happened to me. I have so much bottled up anger and it's gotten pretty bad. I go over things in my mind and imagine telling those that hurt me to go to hell and how to do it! After awhile I can't take it anymore and I just cry. I get so overwhelmed & depressed. You dug your EX out of your life and I need to do the same. Unfortunately, my brother I have to deal with, but he too will get what's coming to him. I do labor over that, but all I'm doing is hurting myself more, I know.

I've written my 2 close friends about what's going on with me and yea, it helped to get it out. I'd save the correspondence on my pc and read it again, and it was kind of therapeutic. I need to write more, even if it's just for myself. I know my friends are there for me, but they have their own set of problems. SO, I put on the fake smile and try to hide the pain. Nobody wants to hear your constant blues, at least that's how I felt.

You've gone through so much lonesome crow and like me, you're still standing. I know you're still healing and helping others in here is your form of therapy, but you've graduated to a more healthier frame of mind. You've found a way to manage your feelings and that isn't easy. I hope to get there! I'm trying so hard. I've given myself 1 goal and that's to go outside and walk in the snow. Such a small thing to most, but to me it's huge! I feel like everyone can see how terrible I feel, so I hide myself a way. Conversations are awkward, but I muddle through it. I used to be so outgoing and strong, now I just go through the motions. I hate him for doing this to me, but I have to pull myself up and change it. Don't know how, but like you said...one day at a time.

I haven't been in here long at all, but the positive vibes have really affected me. I was starving for understanding and some kind of support. Even in my pain, I feel for you and the depth of your loss. U got staying power LC and every person you help is charged by it. I need to stay busy and stop focusing on everything so much. That OFF/ON switch would be mighty handy, especially when I feel like I can't go on. At least I know you guys are here and I'll keep reaching out.

Wow....this is almost wierd in a way...you pretty much wrote my
experince almost to the KEY. I definetly don't feel alone or I'm crazy.
I'm not crazy...and you're not either.

The reason why I thought about it alot
was I couldn't resolved it in my mind. Our consicouse brain was design
to solve problems and mine stays running until the problem at hand
gets resolved...it gose almost into obsessive mode when an issue
can't get resolve. The reason is...I'm not in control of what other
people do....even if it's wrong...I have no power over other people's
lives or actions. Once I started accepting this...my mind sort of
slowed down.

I had to set aside my ex-gf's problems and re focus on myself.
I became frozen or self destructive by worring about her problems.
I also had to honestly evauate myself and accept where I was at.
I was in a major rut and it wasn't healthy for me.
I have more control over my actions, my life.
I started taking my life back..One step at a time...I'm taking my life
back. I might had lost my EX...but I wanted me back.
With every step I take forward I get myself back.
I had to let go of everything...(as you said)
and do what's in front of me...one foot in front of the other.

Thanks for sharing Indespair...you're helping me ..though you might
not know it. I'm grateful to you.