hi, welcome to the forum...
you will feel the way you say most days but at some point you will not feel like that anymore. Then, for a moment, you will see yourself like you really are, someone who is pretty cool after all, or fundamentally a decent person, or with some really great quality - it will be only a second, a sparkle, but it's there. I hope that you remember that you can look for those sparkles like lighthouses in the darkness, that's where your true self is, your self hatred might be an accumulation of circumstances, and when you self-hate, that rarely brings to better decisions or positivity.
I hope that you hang on to that sparkle long enough to breath again and to just let your true self expand out of the pain and the confusion, and feel that everything you might have done or not done is not quite relevant, that you can start again at any given day, any given minute.
I wish I knew the words to express what I mean - what you describe, the unable coward piece of honeysuckle, it's not you.