I'm bored.

[TheLoadedDog]

Or the classic Irish joke (best one ever):

American tourist: "Excuse me. Can you tell me the way to Dublin?"

Irishman: "Well, if I were you, I wouldn't start from here."

Replace with Newfie, Tasmanian, New Zealander, etc as needed.

---

More Americans in the British Isles jokes:

US student on his first day at Oxford University: "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me where King's College is at?"

Stuffy Professor: "I shall tell you, my boy, when you learn not to end a sentence with a preposition."

US student: "Okay. Can you tell me where King's College is at, *******?"

 

[user 139760]

LOL. I wish I was as good at remembering jokes.

On an unrelated topic, I can't shake the feeling someone's following me, just out the corner of my eye.

DEFINETELY need a haircut.

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

We were teaching a dinosaur computer skills today.

He’s getting the hang of those RAR files.

 

[9006]

What did the orange say to another orange at the bar?

You're ROUND.

 

[user 139760]

Gosh-freakin'-DANG IT!

I knew somehow,someday SOME WAY, they'd come back to bite me.

 

[Joturbo]

Prince Charles arrived in Inverkeithing to open the Highland games.He was appropriately dressed in the kilt,but

had a very strange hat on his head.It looked like a Davy Crockett hat,but was made out of Fox.

As the day wore on one of the officials was getting more and more curious,till it got the better of him.

He addressed the Prince,"Your Royal Highness,one was wondering about the hat".

"Ah yes."said Price Charles."At breakfast this morning Mummy was asking what I was doing today,and I told her I was opening the Inverkeithing Highland games"

Her mouth was full of cornflakes,but I'm sure she said"Wear the Fox hat?"

 

[user 139760]

...people are idiots.
Unrelated to this thread, just thinking out loud. Just saw something I can't fathom.

See, it always irks me no end to witness the plain idiocity in some people. And it pains me too.
Because I'm not that bright. So to see so often people talking or acting like utter morons that make me look like a genius by comparison, make me think they're something painfully wrong with the world.....
It's like being a faithful disciple sitting next to Ghandhi and asking him "Master, what is the secret of life?", then watching as he gets up...then CONKS a guy in the nose and says "I can tell you THAT guy won't find out!".....so much for being an example...
Am I really that smart? Are people really that dumb? I refuse to believe I'm somehow better than others. That's not the way the world should go.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

The Dalai Lama walks into a kebab joint. He says, "make me one with everything."

 

[user 139760]

The Dalai Lama walks into a kebab joint.  He says, "make me one with everything."

LOL Thanks. I needed that mate ;-)

---

A termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I'd like a glass of H20." The other says, "I'd like a glass of H20 too." And promptly collapses.

---

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

 

[user 139760]

Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says
"Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."

 

[TheLoadedDog]

The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

---

. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

---

The following is my favourite joke in the world....


A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

---

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

 

[user 139760]

Haha, I have one from here, I'll try to translate it right.

Two guys, one really drunk are talking in a bar. Drunk one says
-My wife's gonna kill me when she sees I try up on my new shirt!
-Put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her another guy threw up on you and gave you 20 for cleaning.

Guy goes back home and when his wife sees him, she goes
- Tabarnak, can't drink like a man, you threw up on yourself again?
- Course not honey! Look in my pocket, another guy threw up on me, he left me 20 for cleaning.
- But...why is there 40 in your pockets?
- Oh yeah...it's cause the other guy honeysuckle in my pants, too.
;-)

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Paddy O'Reilly is feeling poorly. He tells his wife he's going to go and see Doctor O'Donnell.

"Don't you go seein' that Doctor O'Donnell! You two are always fightin'."

"Darlin', I promise I won't."

Anyway he comes back an hour later with two black eyes and a blood nose.....

"See? I told you you'd fight."

"But darlin' it wasn't my fault. He told me to go and piss in a bottle. So I told him to go and honeysuckle in his hat."

 

[user 139760]

I wonder if Lil Miss Muphet who sat on her crumpet ever had to pay for dry cleaning.

 

[user 139760]

Hey, what happened when a guy from the Wu-Tang Clan dropped some orange paint on his buddy's head?

He became an orangutang. Orange Wutang....
Well, I laughed. Possibly because I don't have much coffee in me.

 

[user 139760]

Life is strange sometimes.
It sucks when you gun for something and ultimately find out it's just not working for you, for no reason, because it just doesn't work sometimes.
I don't think there are other words to say than I'm sorry, and even that feels strangely hollow when it's a dream. But I guess that's just a dirty trick life sometimes play on you, then leaves you with a choice, to accept it and endure it or to ignore it and try something different.
That's the hardest choice, isn't it? Status quo or unknown. I'm not one to tell others what the right choice is, that's something everyone has to figure out for themselves, but I hope they find a bit of solace in knowing someone cared about them for absolutely no reason than just to care while they were thinking of that choice. Maybe it'll help a little along the road.
Maybe we'll all meet somewhere at the end of it, who knows.

 

[user 139760]

In space... no one can smell you fart.

Y'all are boring today, I'm lonely.

---

I watched Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock yesterday with the girls.
I'd forgotten how to wonder anymore. I'd forgotten how much I wanted to live in the future. I'd forgotten what I wanted my first career to be.
Second star to the right...straight on 'till morning.
Steady as she goes.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Australian joke (Condobolin is a town in central west New South Wales):

"Where's Daaaave?"

"Out Condobolin."

"Yair, 'e always did have a way with the ladies...."

---

Schroedinger’s cat walks into a bar. And it doesn’t.

---

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It takes two, one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the peni-, fathe-, LADDER!

---

A layman, a scientist and a mathematician are driving through Wales when they spot a black sheep on a hillside. The layman says: “How fascinating. The sheep in Wales are black.” The scientist says: “No. There is one sheep in Wales which is black.” The mathematician sighs and rolls his eyes. “I beg to differ. There is one sheep in Wales, one side of which is black.”

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

---

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.