Im new and need help

[michael]

hello, lets see , i guess ill start with who i am and just take it from there.
My name is Michael and I live in Melbourne Victoria,Australia.
I am 43yo (24 sept. 1964).
I am single and have been since I was 27 (may 1993).
I was married till that point to the most wonderful and beautiful women on the planet and we had two wonderful children, Dillan and Jessica. I havent seen them since them since May 1994.
In november 2006 i was diagnosed with cardio myopathy (heart disease) and was told i needed a heart transplant.
Better go back a step. I am very overweight and have only one freind and no family to speek of. I am extremely unhappy without the only women i loved and my 2 beautiful children. My children are grown now but because i havent seen them in fiteen years ,to me, they are still the little boy and baby girl i loved. i have never been with anyone other than my ex-wife(Debbie). I was a virgin when I met her and have been single since she left.(not even a one night stand as i believe sex is part of the love you have with a partner.
I am empty and alone and feel so isolated. I have stopped all medication and have resolved to let nature take its course. I have been told I have about 12-18 months to live. i just feel so empty.
Of course there is a lot more to this story, i.e. why Debbie left. Why I havent tried to see Dillan and Jess. But i guess i can answer these if any one asks.

 

[Minus]

Welcome Michael

You say you have 12 to 18 months. What would you have if you continued your medication or was that with your medication? I don't mean to be noisy, just trying to understand what all you are dealing with in that area.

 

[Incognita]

why Debbie left. Why I havent tried to see Dillan and Jess. But i guess i can answer these if any one asks.

yea, I want to know.

I was a virgin when I met her and have been single since she left.(not even a one night stand as i believe sex is part of the love you have with a partner.

oh man, ur a saint.


Sorry to hear that, sounds like a terrible life ((


Welcome, Michael.

don't stop any medication..u still have kids..ur life may change.

 

[Bluey]

God michael you have gone fro a heck of a lot and still are.

Have you only got that to live cos you have stopped the medication are is that it anyway?

Sorry to hear about not seeing your kids. That sucks Maybe you could get in touch with them? Well I don't know but it dose not seam like you have anything to loss.

I know someone that has just had a heart transplant. She has had her up and downs but over all she is getting fro it. I well be honest with you tho, she was fit be for she had any trouble in that she was and is not overweight. But she did smoke for a few years. But then a lot do huh. If you have and get the transplant well that make it so you have a reasonably normal time to be here?

I would Guss that there is a lot here that would not know how to reply back to you. I would think you can understand this tho.

I don't know what to say about your ex. I mean I Guss if your stuck on someone then your stuck on them. If there is no chance that she is ever coming back I would say you do need to fined away to move on from that. I would differently say its important that you try and have some contact with your kids.

man your a brave guy. You are fighting all of this on your own. Well you have a friend so I hope he is a good one for you.

Welcome here.

 

[Sola]

Hey Michael, welcome.
If you want someone to listen, come on in to the Lonely Chat room.
There's usually someone there to at least listen, and more often than not will make you laugh and not feel so alone for awhile.
You can find the link to the chat-room on the main forum page.

 

[RobertJW]

Welcome Michael. What a sad story. Maybe this place will help you, it certainly helps to write about your problems here thats for sure

 

[lonelydude]

Dude that was really really touching, brough tears to my eyes .

Make yourself at home here, be sure to use the chatroom when you feel like venting out or talking about stuff, there are almost always some very helpful and cheerful ppl who are ready to give you insight or even just a listening ear.

And please do take care of yourself and despite how u look at ur life, Stay happy! Were all here to help you do that!

 

[michael]

hello and thanks for the welcome and the replies . I will try to answer the questions asked as best as i can. Firstly i re-read what I first wrote and I apologies for my spelling mistakes and writing styles as im sure it looked like I was twelve.
O.K. Thanks lonelydude, I didnt write here to bring sadness or tears to anyone , I just need to talk and feel i have to have an outlet, as sometimes i feel so empty and sad.

Incognita asked why i havent seen my children and why Debbie left.
These are not easy answers and i will try to answer as honestly as i can, but i think they will get more questions.
To this day I still do not know why she left,she gave me so many reasons on different occasions. She told me it was because our relationship and marriage was because if rebound from her first marriage(married at 19,divorced at 22). we met while she was still married.
Also told me she just didnt love me anymore and that it wasnt my fault??????????????????? dont understand that one.
that i worked too hard and didnt spend enough time with her?
was more interested in my son than her?(she left when Dillan was 4 and Jessica was 11months).
Im sorry this is so hard to write , it causes me so much pain.
Was also imformed that some of her freinds kept telling her that she could do so much better than me. At that time i was 130kg and stood at 194cm, she was 52kg and stood about 150cm. And she was so beautiful. To give you an idea, when we went out guys would try to pick her up even if we were together as i guess they thought that we couldnt possibly be a couple.
Anyway til she left me, i thought our marriage was strong and our family were happy????????
Why havent i seen my kids.................because i love them more than life itself and i know dillan was hurt and to see my boy hurt was more than i could stand........there is so much more to it than that but i cant bring myself to say anything against DEBBIE.

Minus asked about my medication.....I probably had 4-5 yrs with medication as my heart has only 15% use left(20% when first diagnosed) and would need transplant anyway. When it first happened i was driving roadtrains from Brisbane in Queensland to Darwin and Perth. With my condition i can no longer work at all. At first i went on strict diet and gave up smoking and tried to excersize and for 3 months i was succesful but then depression really hit me and the more i learnt about transplants and the amount of hearts available and the number of patiants waiting i decided that i was not worth saving as someone with a life and a family and love would be better off getting one.
I am so sorry this has drained me so much (emotionally).
i know i sound like i wallow in self pity, and i probably do, its just so empty when you are fuull off love for 3 special people but cant express or show it

 

[Naleena]

Michael,
I am sorry for your pain and loss these many years. Here is my opinion- I hope you can glean some good from it.


***"To this day I still do not know why she left...***
This is going to sound nuts but, sometimes women or men leave and they themselves don't know why. The only chance you have of knowing is to ask her. How important is that for you to know at this point of your life? Only you can answer that.

****"Why havent i seen my kids.................because i love them more than life itself and i know dillan was hurt and to see my boy hurt was more than i could stand...***

Michael, I know you were trying to do what you thought was best but, I have a feeling your children hurt with or without you. I'm not saying this to pour salt on an open wound. As someone who never got to know my father, I encourage you, if you desire, make contact with your children. I have thought a million times about my father and would give anything to see him. In all my years, I still think of him and wonder what he was like. I can't promise your children would feel as I do towards my dad but, you'll never know until you try. Don't leave this life without giving your babies the opportunity to know you love and care for them.


****i know i sound like i wallow in self pity, and i probably do, its just so empty when you are fuull off love for 3 special people but cant express or show it***

Michael, stop punishing yourself. Follow your heart and take some chances. Whether or not you can see it right now, You are worthy of love and happiness. I will keep you in my thoughts.

(((((((((((((((((((Michael))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Great Big Bear Hug for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[michael]

hi Naleena, yes it is almost the most important thing to me to know why she did what she did but i havent had contact with her in 14yrs. T o be honest i have feelings of anger aswell and am so afraid of what i would say and the possibility of what action i may take as i blame her for the loss of not only my children but my life and any chance of happiness. The total loss of trust in the human race , i blame on her ? why? because i gave her everything, my heart, my soul and even my spirit and that is why i feel so dead inside.Please dont judge me for feeling this way.We can control many things in our lives but we cant control our emotions and feelings and i cant control what my heart feels.
You suggest i follow my heart and my heart tells me that i am not for this place and this place does not want me to use its air.I am a waste of space
mick

 

[Minus]

T o be honest i have feelings of anger aswell and am so afraid of what i would say and the possibility of what action i may take as i blame her for the loss of not only my children but my life and any chance of happiness. The total loss of trust in the human race , i blame on her ? why? because i gave her everything, my heart, my soul and even my spirit and that is why i feel so dead inside.Please dont judge me for feeling this way.

It is not unusual for there to be some anger. You don't know why she left. It is a pretty basic desire to want to know what happened. At the very least you should have been given that.

You suggest i follow my heart and my heart tells me that i am not for this place and this place does not want me to use its air.I am a waste of space

Mick, i have to disagree with you. You are having a very rough time and it is having an effect on your decisions. You may feel like you are a waste of space but you are not.

 

[IntolerablE]

Hi, Michael, sorry to hear about your awful situation.
But this what I dont understand...

She told me it was because our relationship and marriage was because if rebound from her first marriage(married at 19,divorced at 22). we met while she was still married.

Did you think that if she left her first husband for you she wouldn't do same thing to you? This happens all the time. Lovers break up marriages and then think that won't happen to them. But unfortunately what goes around comes around. It might not be necessarily your fault but this kind of people pull this honeysuckle all over again on everybody. That should have been a sign for you.


I agree with Neleena...try to contact your kids. They are probably teenagers right now and are very curious why you were never there. But it's better for you to explain the whole situation, I'm sure they will understand. I feel a little bid of hate toward my father and thoughts like "I hope he dies alone.."have crossed my mind. My parents divorced long time ago. What I don't understand still is why he never visited us. I keep in touch with him and he says he "loves" me but words mean nothing. So, I can't forgive him that because I don't see any serious reasons why he couldn't .Thats why I hope he dies alone cause I won't be there to wipe his shitty ass when he can't get up..


You don't want same thing happening to you. As much as you hate her you still have the right to see your children as much as she does. You don't know, maybe they can still bring joy into your life.
I hope it works out.

 

[Dog]

Hi, Michael, I'm also sorry for you.

Did you think that if she left her first husband for you she wouldn't do same thing to you? This happens all the time. Lovers break up marriages and then think that won't happen to them. But unfortunately what goes around comes around. It might not be necessarily your fault but this kind of people pull this honeysuckle all over again on everybody.

That's true, I've seen it happen to my father. Well... many women did this to him.

I agree, you should see your children. It's also just my experience, I can't say that I hate my father, but as he never seen me when I needed him, I don't really feel like he is my father, I don't want to see him now... It's such a honeysuckle when children feel such things to their parents.

 

[Naleena]

hi Naleena, yes it is almost the most important thing to me to know why she did what she did but i havent had contact with her in 14yrs. T o be honest i have feelings of anger aswell and am so afraid of what i would say and the possibility of what action i may take as i blame her for the loss of not only my children but my life and any chance of happiness. The total loss of trust in the human race , i blame on her ? why? because i gave her everything, my heart, my soul and even my spirit and that is why i feel so dead inside.Please dont judge me for feeling this way.We can control many things in our lives but we cant control our emotions and feelings and i cant control what my heart feels.
You suggest i follow my heart and my heart tells me that i am not for this place and this place does not want me to use its air.I am a waste of space
mick

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mick))))))))))))))))))))))
It's ok to be angry. There are five steps to loss. Not everyone goes through all five but, here they are-> Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. No, you can't control what your heart feels. Sometimes the only way out of the pain is to go through it. I am glad that you are able to acknowldege these feelings because they are important.
Yes, you gave yourself to someone who broke your heart to say the least. But as the song goes, everybody plays the fool. I bet there's not one person on this board that hasn't had their heart broken by someone.
There are people here who know how it feels to lose a relationship so, don't feel alone in all this.

Right now, you have unfinished business. You asked me not to judge you. I am not here to judge you and please forgive me if I, in any way, made you feel as though I had judged you. Mother Teresa said, "The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted."

Mick, I respect your decision. I am here to support you. You are wanted. You are wanted. You are wanted.

 

[michael]

thanks for the replies,
intolerable and dog, I never said that i broke up her marriage , I said that she was married when we met. Let me explain.When we met she was living alone and after we were going out and i asked her to marry me(on her 22nd birthday )and she said yes she told me that she had to get her divorce and that was the first time i found out she was married.Yes the warning bells should have sounded then, but i was so in love. As i said in my first post, there is so much more to this story, please dont assume anything .
I have learnt not to assume anything with anyone ore any situation because, to me , that almost seems like a judgement of sorts has been made.
I dont mean to sound hard or annoyed as i am neither . If nayone needs to verify something please ask.
Naleena, sorry i didnt mean to sound like i meant you were judging me , it was meant as post to all not to judge me.So i apologise to you.

 

[Dog]

Oh, I understand, sorry.

 

[Naleena]

Micheal,
No appolgies needed! You didn't do anything, silly! Just know I'm here for you and I really mean that. I don't have all the answers but, I am a great listener. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I'd be honored to get to know you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mick)))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Naleena]

I have been thinking about Michael today. Has anyone heard from him? I wonder how he is getting along. Let's all keep him in our thoughts.
Thanks, everyone.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

To Michael.

First I would like to say that I am deeply sorry for what you have experienced and how you feel about yourself and some other things.

You sound like a great person though. The fact that you feel like that about your children shows how great of a father you are. I am sure they realize that.

Hopefully you can inform us sometime in the future about what is currently going on with you.

Take care, God bless.

Joe

 

[davechaos]

Hiya Michael

I have read what you have said and what everyone has written...and I have to say that for many people they may say that stopping your medication is stupid...but ask yourself why you have done this? You have said that you need a transplant...my friend had one after 2 and a half years...if your medication says that you will have 4-5 years then surely it is worth waiting.

I also agree with what several people have said...but I will add my own thoughts.

I teach a huge number of kids who have never known either or both parents. Now I don't have kids and never will but I am sure that your kids would want to know who you are and what is happening in your life...go for it and see what happens...if nothing happens then what have you lost...the first time you see them they will ask questions of themselves.

Finally....don't go back over old ground as to why you split up. It may be very amicable...but there may be many other things that you find out. There may be nothing that you find out but hindsight is a very powerful and destructive thing that we use against ourselves. My counselling has allowed me to stop looking in hindsight because it may never have happened anyway.

There are loads of us here that just want to help...what ever I can do to help you I will...you have lots of friends here for whenever or however long you want us.

Mat