Is this really my life?

[desertflower88]

Let me begin by saying this has been the worst week in awhile. Can't quiet my anxiety so must get this out.....
I was seeing this guy for a couple weeks and i fell absolutely in love, i fell so hard it was unhealthy making me ill. I get the grand notion to get completely sloshed and show up at his house uninvited at 3am. Yes i realize this was very dumb. he proceeds to tell me I was just a lay and throws me out like trash. I begin weeping uncontrollably on his porch and before i know it the cops are there and I'm being arrested. It was embarrassing and shameful, and believe me I didn't go peacefully.
So now what do I do? The alcohol fueled all this but there's deeper issues. I work in a bar and majority of people i know drink a lot. I wanna quit my job and just lay low for awhile and get my head straight. I've got this sick attachment to be loved by a man, so desperate for a approval I imagine they care when they don't. I wish i wasn't this way. Any insight is appreciated.....

 

[Grackle]

How you were treated was pretty brutal, I feel for you. One piece of advise is to stop drinking, I took that advise years ago and its paid off big time. Though I do still have the odd beer or glass of wine at home. I realize the drinking is a small issue that may not actually be an issue but it definitely encourages us to make wrong/poor choices.

I realize now, way too late, that needing to be loved (that badly) is an internal issue that no boyfriend can solve. No matter how loving, caring, perfect someone is, its still an issue that has to be resolve. I wish counselling worked (I found it to be a big waste of my money and actually made me feel worse about myself).

 

[OnlyMe]

Hi desertflower88

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that as I know all too well that ill feeling you get when you are crazy about someone.

Sometimes love can make us do some pretty crazy things. I've definitely been guilty of letting my heart rule my head with some really bad results.

Turning up at the guys house drunk at 3am wasn't a good idea, but there was no need for him to be such a blunt and cold a'**hole about it.

I can't really offer anything in the way of advice about the drinking as I never been a drinker myself.
I do hope that things get better for you.

 

[jaguarundi]

What a horrible, embarrassing and destructive experience.

I endorse the idea that you should cut down on your drinking. I suspect you may do it because it perhaps calms you down when you are feeling very churned up? Or it appears to, at any rate.

I would say that what you felt simply wasn't love. Anything so overwhelming it make you feel terrible is not love, it is nearer to obsession. You feel an empty space in you that you think can only be filled by someone else's love.

But looking for a love to fill that void will only mean you will likely continue to be involved with men who just use you. Even if you find a guy who doesn't, your extreme need for approval will likely wreck a promising relationship.

It sounds trite, but it is true. You need to learn to love and care for yourself - looking outside for it isn't the answer.

You seem to have realised that you need to get your head in the right place. How you do it - I found therapy to be very helpful indeed, and the wonderful therapist I saw helped me to feel OK with myself. Clearly that is not everyone's experience.

Other things that might help - a support group, reading the many 'self-help' books out there. Meditation can be a calming alternative to drinking, and I certainly think trying to find another job that is a bit more fulfilling might be an idea. Anything that you can do that makes you feel a sense of fulfilment as a person - volunteer work e.g. with animals, art therapy, whatever, could also be helpful.

Hope any of this helps

 

[Grackle]

I shouldn't have been so negative towards counselling, I think I just wasn't ready to go. I would definitely recommend going if you feel convicted to.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Sorry to hear about your incident. I often have that question myself. :/