I've had enough....

[grainofrice24]

I know I know...life is a series of peaks and valleys, but I'm in a ******* crater, and am wondering if I'll ever make it out alive.

Just need to get this off my chest and u guys are the only ones I'd ever have the balls to say this to.

Lately all I can think about are things like:
I always say the wrong thing...
I am a cold cruel calculated heartless *******.
Why do I suffer for people who don't even care?
Every decision seems wrong before I make it.
Nothing is devoid of regret.
I can't take 40 more years of this.
I had enough 10 years ago...
I got nothing left to do but die...

There are no iron bars, there is no lock and key
But walls of flesh and bone is where my prison will be...(that one rhymed...but you get it right? - For some...it's not life, it's a life sentence)

Theres something wrong with me that would best be solved with a bullet in my head.
At what point do you stop trying and realize that hope is just a trick that you fell for...
What do you do when deep down inside, in your most private place, in the pit of what's left of your shattered soul you know love and happiness are never going to happen...because they shouldn't...

I want to watch me die with my hands around my throat.

Someone I truly respect, whose dedication and loyalty I truly admire broke down and admitted, that to him his life could not end soon enough...it shook me to my foundation. What hope do I have...I dont stand a chance.

I'm not doing myself any favors by staying alive.

I'm not like you...you can never understand. It's genius really. If I tried to explain it to you, you'd think I'm exaggerating, or you wouldn't believe me, or you'd just think even less of me for saying it. What can you do but keep your head down, your mouth shut and do your ******* job...

If you read all that I'll buy you a beer if we ever meet.

 

[painter's radio]

Hopefully we will be at a place that sells Peroni on tap - I love that stuff.

You may be losing/have lost your hope, but I can hope for you. I don't like anyone to feel this way, especially knowing it is possible to come out the other side of it, even after many years of experiencing and fighting it. Why don't you deserve love and happiness? The fact you made this comment and this thread on the whole show you at least have a conscience. Are you really such a terrible person?

 

[aspalas]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, but I think I know how you feel, and I also think most people here know how you feel. Sometimes I just think that I'll never be happy, even if I'd have everything I've ever wanted.

I still think nobody should commit suicide. I also think that if you have any doubt about it you shouldn't do it. If you have any doubt about it, even the slightest, it means there's still something to live for.

 

[Limlim]

fresia yeah free beer. you said happiness won't ever happen for you. What do you think you need to be happy?

 

[josef.b]

i went trough this before ( maybe ) , but in a different way , i often ask , wouldn't it been a loot better if i was not born in the first place ?

but i tend to be optimistic , and go : hey am alive today , hell with it

 

[EveWasFramed]

fresia yeah free beer. you said happiness won't ever happen for you. What do you think you need to be happy?

^^ This. Well, I dont drink beer, but what would it take to make you happy?

 

[Regumika]

Repeating what some have said: "what do you want in life?"
IMO it is perfectly fine if you don't know what you want, at least that is still answer. Then you could go and search for what you want.

.
.

I always say the wrong thing... -"wrong" according to who?
I am a cold cruel calculated heartless *******. -are you really? or is that relative.
Why do I suffer for people who don't even care? -so you're not cruel and heartless
Every decision seems wrong before I make it. -again, "wrong" according to who?
Nothing is devoid of regret. -no, so you make decisions with better opportunity cost. (if i sleep i might not be able to do.... however, after sleeping i will be able to do...)
I can't take 40 more years of this. -does the next 40 years have to be this? can it change now, or soon?
I had enough 10 years ago... -well.. maybe its time to make a different route?
I got nothing left to do but die... -do you really have nothing left to do? or you simply don't know.

I am not trying to come of lightly with the responses. But life is constant self-reflection and continually confirm your path.

 

[ardour]

If you don't provide some context then people can't really provide meaningful comment.

I don't think it's possible to be a cold calculating ******* by accident - something in your past still bothering you?
Nobody's going to think less of you for elaborating... just read some of the inane honeysuckle people post (including me), usually from teeny boppers.

 

[ThisSideOfTheRainbow]

Mate, I know all too well how you feel. I can't say I am a cold cruel calculating *******, in fact, I'm quite the opposite, but my kindness and generosity and sacrifice has never got me anywhere. Neither has my talent or skill. I sometimes think God only keeps me alive to watch me suffer.

 

[grainofrice24]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I was in a bad place when I wrote the original post and all your words helped drag me out of it. I am a man of my word and am indebted to you all for the minimum of one beer.

@painters radio - thanks bud. I think that I don't deserve love because of my attitude. I am a dichotomy of extremes. I keep my guard up and my emotions in. Bottled up love and desire age like milk in bottles...and when they spoil they turn into hate and anger. I dont get too attached for fear of being rejected. I suppose what I need is for someone to just rip my heart out and stomp on it, that way when I survive it I'll no longer be afraid of it. Someone who won't show how much others mean to them out of personal cowardice is a cold calculated *******.

@aspalas - I don't think I'll be taking my own life. I've gone on record here on all that "no one kills me but me". But it's not that I have doubt, it's just that fear of "what dreams may come".

@limlim and eve - what do I need to be happy? This ones easy - a girlfriend. I'll do whatever it takes, I just don't know what it takes...and I can't simply BE someone else!

@regumika - When I say wrong I mean wrong according to me. I regret the things I do and say. I know that I could have done better in hindsight. I'm nice to the wrong people, people who love me (like family) I am not nice to. Self hatred dictates that anyone who likes me is my enemy (for loving what I hate). I know I know..."dude! You gotta love yourself first" right? It's not a light switch...and deceiving yourself can't work.

@rdor - youre right, you don't become cold by accident. It's no one event in my life, it's just the way I was raised - to be very calculated. If you look at your life objectively you will always notice certain common threads of character woven through the fabric of your being. Music for instance, is a passion of mine. I've been playing for years, but it taught me that the only thing acceptable is perfection, anything less is simply not good enough. Countless hours of struggling is necessary to acheive any goal. As a result, I spent less time enjoying music, and instead became very picky and judgmental about music. I can't just go out to a club and just enjoy the music.

@thissideoftherainbow - amen sir. When the world ends I'll have your beer in hand. If you ever need someone to march shoulder to shoulder with through hell...let me know.

If this didn't make sense, don't worry about it, I think I just haven't slept and needed to get some of this stuff off my chest.

 

[Limlim]

That's it? A girlfriend is all you want?
That seemed like a huge multitude of problems you listed up there in your original post, how is a girl supposed to fix all that? fresia I want one now, they sound a lot more amazing than I remember them being. All my problems did was increase as her honeysuckle piled ontop of mine when I had one.

 

[ladyforsaken]

All my problems did was increase as her honeysuckle piled ontop of mine when I had one.

You still love all the women out there despite this, don't you.

 

[Limlim]

Well yes.. but still...

**** them for being so soft and squishy!

 

[ReaderGuy]

@limlim and eve - what do I need to be happy? This ones easy - a girlfriend. I'll do whatever it takes, I just don't know what it takes...and I can't simply BE someone else!

I know how you feel...

Ive never had a girlfriend, and it's something that haunts me all the time since I'm at college. Its honestly all I think about. I actually told a girl that I wanted to be more than friends, and she made it clear I was friendzoned. I still see her everyday and it sucks just thinking about how much happier I could be. I start to think I will never find someone and will never be happy. And yes, I only think if I could become a little more outgoing I could finally get somewhere. But its like you said, we just cant simply BE someone else.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Well yes.. but still...

**** them for being so soft and squishy!

Squishy? Lmao. Makes me visualise an octopus for some reason.

 

[Unwanted94]

I can sincerely relate to this. People will believe anything if it makes them happy, but of course, something consoling doesn't make it truth. Life sucks. Our society sucks and others I find make life more difficult than it has to be. The even more messed up thing is...none of us even asked to exist. Not a single one of us asked to be here. Now, I'm not going to get all scientific into sexual reproduction considering that I profoundly loathe that subject. None of us have to stay...but my advice to anyone who's in a really dark place is to; find a purpose,and pursue that goal. I believe that once a person finds their purpose, sets goals and then pursues them, they'll be more content with themselves. This is merely a speculation. I could be completely wrong...

 

[ladyforsaken]

but my advice to anyone who's in a really dark place is to; find a purpose,and pursue that goal. I believe that once a person finds their purpose, sets goals and then pursues them, they'll be more content with themselves. This is merely a speculation. I could be completely wrong...

I think you're right, I definitely agree with this.

 

[aspalas]

Yes you're right unwanted. I've felt the same as grainofrice for a while I think. My life was falling apart (family issues, I screwed up my education, used harddrugs etc.). I thought this girl I liked (and still like) was the only thing that could ever make me happy, and sometimes I still feel this way. However, my situation has become better, and I was admitted to one of the best art schools in my country recently (doing my admission at the best one in a few days) and this really gave me the "boost" I needed. I'm really looking forward to it, instead of feeling empty and depressed I'm very excited right now.

It's proven that feeling bad in general makes you think love/a relationship is the best thing that could ever happen to you. My advice is to try to just be happy. It might be hard but you should try to find a long term goal and eventually you'll see that not only love will make you happy. This doesn't mean that it's bad to long/look for a relationship, but being happier in general will not only be a good thing for you, but it will also increase you're chances in finding love (because women like men who are happy and confident).

 

[Cucuboth]

It's also proven that affection increases the feeling of being 'happy'. A hug, a kiss, have a much more positive effect on confidence and self-esteem, than so called 'positive thinking'. Of course, some can find standing in front of a mirror and telling themselves how much they like themselves quite rewarding. And good for them if they do. But not everyone can. Not everyone can feel a sense of 'happiness' by just having a hobby or an interest, or by doing volunteer and charity work, or with exercise, or by being a work-a-holic. Some people just need that emotional and physical connection that a relationship brings. It's really not very fair to tell someone that no, that's not going to be any good for them, because in the end, only the individual has the right to make that call. No, a relationship won't solve everything. It won't fix every problem. Huh, it will come with it's own set of new ones! But there is ... or there should be, in a good, honest, relationship ... the feeling that your no longer trying to find the right path on your own anymore.

 

[Unwanted94]

^ I agree with you on that.