Jealousy...overrated?

[gypsytrip]

I'm a jealous person by nature. Usually just when it comes to guys though.

I can't seem to make it STOP!!! I'm in a long-distance relationship. It's been two loooooong months and whenever he talks to or mentions a girl, the beast comes out!!

Whaaat? Stalk his Facebook page? I don't do that. Uhh...it just comes up in my news feed. No stalking going on here folks.

Maybe it's stemmed from trust issues. But there is definitely some suspicious behavior going on. My man is visiting me in three months but he's not staying with ME when he comes, nooo...he's staying with another girl. They're "just friends" and he reallyyyyy likes me and gypsytrip (cause that's my name hehe), "there's something about your aura that draws me in. I like you soooo much and I'm coming just to visit YOU." How'm I supposed to know if he's lying! He's all the way on the other side of the globe, he could be saying this to every girl!

Am I being a typical, insecure butt? Do I need to grow up and learn to trust? This is my first relationship and I'm scared to death of being hurt. I feel the need to stay on my guard.

Advice? Stories of the benefits/pitfalls of jealousy?

 

[Lollipop286]

Why is he staying with some other girl?

 

[nerdygirl]

Erm... staying with another girl? Wouldn't be okay with me, either.

 

[gypsytrip]

Erm... staying with another girl? Wouldn't be okay with me, either.

Mayyybe I should've clarified. He CAN'T stay with me. I'm still in school so living with my parents, they would definitely not be okay with him staying here and he knows that.

BUT I still think it's very weird that he is staying with her. Especially since she only has one bedroom =/

Not to mention he is going to NY with her. He asked me too, but I can't go due to classes.

Staying with this girl aaand traveling alone to New York? Something's not right in my opinion. Friends or not.

 

[Lollipop286]

Okay....so he's using you all for booty. Yay

 

[floffyschneeman]

I think we all have a bit of an idea what jealousy can do in a relationship, long distance or not. The difficult thing about it is that it's not something we can stop even if we understand the whole situation, like love, it's also an irrational feeling. The other difficult thing about it too is that, most of the times, it's not the lack of trust in our partners but the lack of trust in ourselves that we are worth staying for or that we have what it takes for our partners to stay with us despite the many gorgeous, more interesting girls.

But in the end, it will all boil down on you and how you choose to cope with this struggle facing you. There is no painless love. Life is so unpredictable and sometimes we hurt the people we love even if we don't want to or sometimes, the people we love should hurt us to be able to stay true to themselves and chase whatever or whomever it is who can make them happy.

I think that, there is nothing you can do except to trust your boyfriend and let him have the chance to show you how sincere he is and whatever happens, know that you can always move on from it. Because you can't control a person specially the person you claim to love, that defeats the purpose of loving and that would only create a toxic kind of relationship. But that is life, you either get hurt or not. But then if try to control everyone and everything around you to fit your own comfort, that is also a delusion, if ever you succeed in doing so.

Good luck and know that if it's meant to be, it will be. and if you get hurt. it doesn't mean you made a mistake or that it was a mistake. some good things happen for us to become happy, some bad things happen to teach us something. Some bad things happen to toughen us up and some bad things just happen randomly

But despite all that, love is always worth trying

 

[nerdygirl]

Why can't he get a fleabag inn room, like any normal person? If I had a boyfriend 'n I was visitin' him, I'd get a room somewhere, not stay wit' some scurvy dog.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Its a natural human emotion.
Its how you repsond to it...
and not react to it...

When you respond...you can get creative
and have more options. LOL

1 write on is wall everyday
" I LOVE HONEY"
(mark your territory).lol

2..Talk about other guys in front of him.lmao
see how he likes that honeysuckle...
Hes such a rookie...Any guys thats ever been with a woman..knows better to not talk about other women to thier GF.
Maybe hes just ignorant to this..
As I say...its a natural human emotion.
He has it too....

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

There really isn't much that you can do about your jealousy. If you feel it, you can't get away from it, and if you don't tell someone (namely the person who makes you feel that way) then it will only eat your insides and make you physically ill. I too have issues with jealousy, and it's been a big issue in my failed relationships because I simply don't know how to trust people. Though, I always argued that they never did anything to gain my trust, they only broke it. So, the only thing you can do is find someone you can trust. I always thought that I'd never find someone because my feelings are completely irrational and retarded, and didn't think there could be another person that would understand my feelings or even agree with me, but I found someone I know I can trust now. Follow your gut, if you sense something wrong, something is probably wrong. That does sound strange that he's going to be spending a lot of time with this other girl, but you wont know until he comes to visit. If you feel he's acting strange, get out before you get your feelings hurt any more than they will already be. I wish you luck, and hope things get better.

 

[floffyschneeman]

because my feelings are completely irrational and retarded

I can so relate!

 

[tedgresham]

Jealousy is selfishness. Nobody owns anyone else. Love with attachments is not true or pure love. True love is one that attaches no strings. It is rare. To be jealous of someone you "love" is to say you own them, they are no longer free. Jealousy also demands that the object of your affection sacrifice themselves, in a greater or lesser way, to you, your needs, your desires. That is unfair.

The reality is that it is quite uncommon, especially in this selfish, self-centered world, for two people to actually love each other equally. If you love someone then be contented that you are capable of loving. Treat the person with respect, kindness, and be giving. You should not, however, sacrifice who you are or allow a person you care about to use you. If that person loves you as you love them they will not use you. They will respond to you as you do to them, out of love and respect. If they do not love you then it's up to you to face reality and find the place in their life where you can fit, if it exists. What you should never do is allow your feelings and emotions to turn to something ugly and selfish and possessive.

Trust is something else entirely. Trust is earned. It should never be given away before it is earned. One should never "trust" people to be or do things that is not in their nature to do. There must be a balance of trust and acceptance and forgiveness. Everybody betrays a trust sooner or later, to a greater or lesser degree.

A true relationship is one where there is a common understanding of what each other expects. It's also an open and honest relationship. And it's one where there exists mutual respect. There can never be a true relationship when there's possessiveness or jealousy or in which one, the other, or both, make demands rather than requests.

Knowing men (and boys) as I do it sounds more like you're being used, gypsytrip, than you are being loved. But I don't know. My only advice is not to allow your feelings to lead you into something that you will not be happy with after it's done.

Finally, I disagree entirely with the comments that you can do nothing about jealousy. That's absurd.

You said, "Am I being a typical, insecure butt? Do I need to grow up and learn to trust? This is my first relationship and I'm scared to death of being hurt. I feel the need to stay on my guard."

Yes, you're being typical. You may need to 'grow up' in some ways but there's nothing you can do about that but continue to live and learn. Trust can be a good thing but it must be with reservation and it must be earned. You must express how you feel, share your doubts, and be direct and honest. If your guy really cares about you your honesty will build your relationship. If he does not care you will find that out and save yourself more grief.

As far as being hurt, any time anybody dares to care they WILL be hurt. The only way to not be hurt or feel emotional pain is simply not to care at all. This is a very melancholy world. We must all accept that. Stay on your guard, certainly. Your whole life is ahead of you. It's easier to live with a cup full of heart ache than it is a bucket full of regret.

 

[gypsytrip]

The other difficult thing about it too is that, most of the times, it's not the lack of trust in our partners but the lack of trust in ourselves that we are worth staying for or that we have what it takes for our partners to stay with us despite the many gorgeous, more interesting girls.

Did you go into my brain and pick my thoughts?? This is exactly my problem! I have NEVER legitimately believed a guy wanted/loved me, no matter how much they told me they did. I always think "there are SO many girls out there, why would he pick ME? He's going to realize there is someone better out there." All issues of insecurity. That's something I should work on

2.. Talk about other guys in front of him.lmao
see how he likes that honeysuckle...
Hes such a rookie...Any guys thats ever been with a woman..knows better to not talk about other women to thier GF.
Maybe hes just ignorant to this..

OH SO tempting. Reckon it'd work? Snap a picture of a shirtless man running on the beach and send it to him. "Oh hey honey, I just thought I'd show you my friends since you're not around to see them. This is Pierre. He is French, but he is also fluent in Italian, German, and Spanish. His hobbies are working out and having sex. Maybe I'll join him sometime. Working out I mean... love you =)"

If you feel it, you can't get away from it, and if you don't tell someone (namely the person who makes you feel that way) then it will only eat your insides and make you physically ill.

Slightly worried about telling him. I've already brought up the issue a couple times and he's always told me I'm being silly. Yet...still he mentions taking a girl to New York with him! I can't be the only one in the wrong here!

Jealousy is selfishness. Nobody owns anyone else. Love with attachments is not true or pure love. True love is one that attaches no strings. It is rare. To be jealous of someone you "love" is to say you own them, they are no longer free. Jealousy also demands that the object of your affection sacrifice themselves, in a greater or lesser way, to you, your needs, your desires. That is unfair.

True. But isn't there a difference between being jealous OF someone than jealousy being caused by a situation? Like coveting something versus being jealous? I'm not jealous of his ability to enchant women, I am upset by the fact that he's enchanting women in the first place. Or perhaps I'm misunderstanding you

 

[Lollipop286]

Heh...purposely making him jealous isn't a very smart thing to do. It will only justify him. Such as..."Since she's on the beach with this dude, what's the big deal in me being with this girl?" or what if he IS using you just for sex and does not care whatsoever? Then again, he may doubt that you are even really hanging out with this dude if he knows you well enough, especially mentioning sex...it's just a silly idea in general lol.

Anyways, if all you're going to think about is him with other women, and can't get over it...well....I guess you're just going to have to break up with him because it's never going to work.

 

[gypsytrip]

Heh...purposely making him jealous isn't a very smart thing to do. It will only justify him. Such as..."Since she's on the beach with this dude, what's the big deal in me being with this girl?" or what if he IS using you just for sex and does not care whatsoever? Then again, he may doubt that you are even really hanging out with this dude if he knows you well enough, especially mentioning sex...it's just a silly idea in general lol.

Anyways, if all you're going to think about is him with other women, and can't get over it...well....I guess you're just going to have to break up with him because it's never going to work.

hehe it was really just a joke. my camera's not efficient enough to take a good picture of a running man anyway

I suppose I need to see him in person again to decide whether it's something I can get past. Getting to know him for two weeks, then being apart for three months? A weird situation to be in!

 

[tedgresham]

Jealousy is selfishness. Nobody owns anyone else. Love with attachments is not true or pure love. True love is one that attaches no strings. It is rare. To be jealous of someone you "love" is to say you own them, they are no longer free. Jealousy also demands that the object of your affection sacrifice themselves, in a greater or lesser way, to you, your needs, your desires. That is unfair.

True. But isn't there a difference between being jealous OF someone than jealousy being caused by a situation? Like coveting something versus being jealous? I'm not jealous of his ability to enchant women, I am upset by the fact that he's enchanting women in the first place. Or perhaps I'm misunderstanding you

I had to think a minute to see what point you were making. I think you are splitting hairs. Anyway, does he have women friends or is he actually "enchant" them. I believe women are being exceptionally unfair to expect guys to never have women friends, or vice-versa. If, however, he's actually pursuing other women then you should have a serious discussion of where you fit in his universe.

Either way, friends or targets of enchantment, being jealous does not change anything. A guy who loves you will love you and respect you and do all he can to please you. One that don't, won't. When you get to the point that you and he know each other's heart there's no reason not to trust or to be jealous.

Am I making sense? I'm kind'a running down some this evening. lol

 

[nerdygirl]

I agree that jealousy is selfish. I'm okay with that.

Why should people be ashamed or try to alter how they feel? If people weren't being a little bit selfish, almost everybody would be polyamorous.

Further, I kind of like it when somebody is jealous over me. Not crazy stalker jealous, but, "I want you. I don't want to share you. I'm not okay if you hook up with somebody else." kind of jealous. I don't consider that as somebody trying to "own" me.

 

[tedgresham]

I agree that jealousy is selfish. I'm okay with that.

Why should people be ashamed or try to alter how they feel? If people weren't being a little bit selfish, almost everybody would be polyamorous.

Further, I kind of like it when somebody is jealous over me. Not crazy stalker jealous, but, "I want you. I don't want to share you. I'm not okay if you hook up with somebody else." kind of jealous. I don't consider that as somebody trying to "own" me.

Actually I don't see a problem with being polyamorous. Seems like the way it would be if people really cared about each other unselfishly.

Would that I was important enough to anybody for them to be "a little" jealous over me.

It is a matter of degree and obsession, for sure.

 

[nerdygirl]

Actually I don't see a problem with being polyamorous. Seems like the way it would be if people really cared about each other unselfishly.

Would that I was important enough to anybody for them to be "a little" jealous over me.

It is a matter of degree and obsession, for sure.

The problem with people being polyamorous is that sooner or later, somebody's feelings get hurt. Everybody I know who has been in this sort of relationship has ended up unhappy because somebody feels abandoned, neglected, unloved. A lot of people have a hard enough time being a good significant other for one person without bringing more people in. To add to it, a lot of people cannot even get the one person.

You implied you'd like to be that important to somebody, but what if you were the guy who was involved with just one girl who had three fellas? She might be too busy to even notice you being involved with somebody else. To top it off, maybe you believe in polyamory, but you've only got the one girl. Because you love her so much, you cannot be selfish and make demands on her time, right? So here you are, sharing your woman with two other men. Waiting your turn. Being lonely. Feeling crappy because she chose one of them instead of you.

Again. I think it's okay to be selfish.

 

[floffyschneeman]

The other difficult thing about it too is that, most of the times, it's not the lack of trust in our partners but the lack of trust in ourselves that we are worth staying for or that we have what it takes for our partners to stay with us despite the many gorgeous, more interesting girls.

Did you go into my brain and pick my thoughts?? This is exactly my problem! I have NEVER legitimately believed a guy wanted/loved me, no matter how much they told me they did. I always think "there are SO many girls out there, why would he pick ME? He's going to realize there is someone better out there." All issues of insecurity. That's something I should work on

Because, I can soooo relate to how you are feeling right now and was merely telling you my side of the story ^^

I don't think it's a good idea to make him jealous. though the idea sounds so tempting, it will only create an entirely different problem (now focus on you) on top of the one you are struggling now. Two things would happen, he wont get jealous seeing that you were only trying to make him jealous, you'll feel bad thinking he doesn't really like you that much, or he gets jealous, but then again you would have to explain why you did that in the first place, he'll think you're spiteful, an eye for an eye, your relationship would just end up toxic with both of you bickering and scheming to inflict the same amount of pain one cause by the other.


I don't know if it would work for you, as i don't know your situation well, but this is just what I think. when you still can, understand your partner as best as you can. talk to him cos by talking both of you can realize things on how to go about your situations in a way that will be unhurting to both parties. Tell him your worries and fears so you both could work on it. Instead of attacking him with questions with every possible answers there to only hurt you (as most women are so good at this, even I ) talk to him, this time, as your friend. You are lovers, you're not on war whose the better gender. Dating will be a game if you choose to play, a relationship when you choose to love.

I really do hope you'll be able to over come this and have more happy times with your boyfriend. jealousy can sometimes drain the soul out of you. (hugs)

 

[tedgresham]

The problem with people being polyamorous is that sooner or later, somebody's feelings get hurt. Everybody I know who has been in this sort of relationship has ended up unhappy because somebody feels abandoned, neglected, unloved. A lot of people have a hard enough time being a good significant other for one person without bringing more people in.

People's feelings get hurt anyway. Divorce is a national past time. Want to know about hurt feelings? I could write the book. But then feelings in this situation gets hurt quite often because, oops, someone starts to feel possessive. It's not a perfect world, of course, and people are going to be people, whatever relationships they are in. Friends, lovers, spouses, neighbors, family, whatever, hurt each other. In a better world there would be no pressure to be anything more than yourself and to accept others as who they are. Sharing, caring, loving without expectation. I'm just an old hippie out of time and place, I suppose. Radical, huh?