killing myself

[box head]

Hello - my name is Alan

I have recently survived a suicide attempt (massive overdose of benzodiazepines) (200+) - I have two daughters and two beautiful grand daughters - i am 41 but look younger - have not ever had a problem getting female company - am intelligent and literate - was schooled well and am loved by my brother and sister and family - although my parents died when i was 22

I have recently had this massive urge to kill myself - and it will NOT go away - i just know i will die by my own hand very soon. The pain inside just gets worse every day.

Doctors just prescribe medicine which i would overdose on purposely - so i do not seek medical help - nor do i consider myself insane in any way.

What do i do?

Oh - and i am homeless after returning to the UK from Kenya - i lived there with my sister when the feelings started - but have had to return to the UK due to visa running out and having no money or job or home. My sister or brother cannot help me anymore than they have already - and i am now ready to end my life.

Please offer me something to hope for - I have seen mental health doctors who have said they have not ever come across a case like me in 40 years of working in mental health. They cannot help me.

Please please - for my daughters/grandaughters' sakes - please help me

I am a good man

 

[The Good Citizen]

I don't have the experience to provide advice on your feelings of suicide Alan and if I'm honest I dont want the responsibility of trying to. The link below contains guidance on how to get the help you need though so if anything I would urge you to take a look as its there for a purpose.

http://www.alonelylife.com/thread-suicide--3079

People will be more than willing to listen to your problems though. Why don't you put those feelings to one side for a while and just talk, tell people more about yourself, your family, your experiences in Kenya? What were the best things about living out there? I'd love to visit Africa one day.

On a practical level I'd recommend breaking down your problems and dealing with them one at a time. The most immediate would seem to be your homelessness so I would make that your immediate target, just leave the other thoughts to one side, they can be dealt with later once you're sorted with a roof over your head. Remeber NOTHING is innevitable and you always have choices so approach this site on the basis that you are going to make the right choices to help yourself get back on your feet, one step at a time.

So what is your situation right now, do you have a place to stay tonight?

 

[Walley]

find a therapist you can talk to.
those intrusive thoughts in your head CAN be managed, but not as well on your own or with amature advice.

 

[theraab]

Try to think about your grandchildren when they get older - dancing at their weddings, going to their graduations, having them sit on your knee so you can tell them stories.

I find it odd that your depression started in Kenya for no apparent reason - is it possible that you picked up some kind of parasite that doctors in the UK aren't very familiar with?

 

[bodafuko]

You need no other reason to live other than your children and grandchildren, and no, you are not a good man if you kill yourself and leave them to deal with the aftermath for the rest of their lives. Find something to live for. It sounds like you are lacking 'purpose'. Get involved in a charity. Help other depressed people. Get connected with other humans.

 

[monkeysox]

I totally agree with bodafuko

The greatest pain I ever saw in people are the instances of greatest helplessness.

About 10 years ago, I supported a children's Cancer charity and went with others to cheer them up in hospital. The lady who ran it inspired me because her strength was found in helping others.

At the moment that may be the last thing you feel like doing.

I can imagine, because I have also felt like 'giving in' at times and suffered homelessness. It is a very hard dilemma to deal with emotionally as domestically.

Please hang in there, Talk to those who have been through this and survived it and got back on their feet. Doctors and therapist are your friend, but sometimes you just need to talk to those who Know how it 'feels' and have been through the things that have resulted in making you feel like this.

There is also help to sort out your domestic situation. I don't know where you live, but research associations and charities as well as the help you can get from the state.

 

[LoneKiller]

I'm sorry to read that you are suffering so much.

Have you given any consideration to what might happen after you kill yourself? Maybe what's waiting for you is far more horrendous than what you are suffering through right now?

 

[PyramidHead]

find a therapist you can talk to.

That would be my advice as well.
And never forget:
A lot of people can help you, but still, it will always be up to you to make the change. No matter what happens, no matter what thoughts may cross your mind ... always remind yourself, why you want to life and never let it get second to any other thought!

For your daughters, your granddaughters, everyone you love and hold dear, and of course, for yourself!

 

[Phaedron]

You've got daughters and grand-daughters who need you.
Well, I guess being homeless you just feel like a burden to them.

Speaking as one who spent much of his younger years (16-20+) depressed because his father took his own life. He was my best friend in the whole world, and yet didn't so much as leave behind a note when he decided to check out.

Sometimes... I'd give anything just to feel like I was a meaningful and significant part of someone's life, but it just isn't there. I'm a loner who writers and makes videos. When I've done and said everything I've intended to accomplish, then maybe I could stop using food and other resources, but I would never put another through what I have been through.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You've got daughters and grand-daughters who need you.
Well, I guess being homeless you just feel like a burden to them.

Speaking as one who spent much of his younger years (16-20+) depressed because his father took his own life. He was my best friend in the whole world, and yet didn't so much as leave behind a note when he decided to check out.

Sometimes... I'd give anything just to feel like I was a meaningful and significant part of someone's life, but it just isn't there. I'm a loner who writers and makes videos. When I've done and said everything I've intended to accomplish, then maybe I could stop using food and other resources, but I would never put another through what I have been through.

OK...settle down now. I understand you're frustrated, but given the nature of the thread, this isn't the best place to vent.

Also, we generally don't let these kinds of threads linger because the staff and forum members here are not doctors and aren't qualified to help people in this situation.
If we feel the person is getting something from the thread (support, info, etc.) we will sometimes leave them open.

 

[LoneKiller]

You've got daughters and grand-daughters who need you.
Well, I guess being homeless you just feel like a burden to them.

Speaking as one who spent much of his younger years (16-20+) depressed because his father took his own life. He was my best friend in the whole world, and yet didn't so much as leave behind a note when he decided to check out.

Sometimes... I'd give anything just to feel like I was a meaningful and significant part of someone's life, but it just isn't there. I'm a loner who writers and makes videos. When I've done and said everything I've intended to accomplish, then maybe I could stop using food and other resources, but I would never put another through what I have been through.

OK...settle down now. I understand you're frustrated, but given the nature of the thread, this isn't the best place to vent.

Also, we generally don't let these kinds of threads linger because the staff and forum members here are not doctors and aren't qualified to help people in this situation.
If we feel the person is getting something from the thread (support, info, etc.) we will sometimes leave them open.

I don't mean to sound argumentative Eve, but many members and guests here have had thoughts, and even attempted suicide. Who better qualified than someone who has truly experienced the horror that comes from living a life so painful that death seems to be the only way to achieve solace?

 

[bulmabriefs144]

If you want something useful from a thread, it's always good to know what other people have gone through in the aftermath.

Also, having a PhD automatically qualifies you for every psychological problem, more than a family who has lived through it. (Pfffft)

 

[Minus]

... the staff and forum members here are not doctors and aren't qualified to help people in this situation.

As had been stated previously by a poster, a "massive urge to kill myself" that "will NOT go away" is something best dealt with by professionals. No matter how well intended, a group of amateur strangers are not trained nor equipped to handle such a serious condition.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Who better qualified than someone who has truly experienced the horror that comes from living a life so painful that death seems to be the only way to achieve solace?

Solace yes, hence the thread not being closed yet.
Mental health advice, no.

 

[Seosa]

Alan please don't, you seem a genuinely good bloke. Surely your daughters can help you? Just stay strong my friend.

 

[bodafuko]

I've thought about killing myself every single day for at least the last three years. Sometimes I fixate on it for minutes or hours. There was a time when I was afraid that I would actually act on it. So I can personally relate to what the OP has described as constant thoughts of taking his life. Quite frankly, I have those same thoughts. On the surface, I have a lot going for myself - college educated, gainfully employed, not butt ugly, etc, but life is incredibly unfulfilling for me in its present state. What keeps me from killing myself is at least two fundamental things: my child and the harm it would undoubtedly cause and my belief that God has given me life with an implied contract that I live it to completion. I'm sure if push came to shove I could find many more reasons to live. I truly believe that a lot of the time these feelings come from a lack of meaning or purpose in life. Which is why I encourage the OP to find a cause, to go out into the world and be of service to others - go work in a battered woman's shelter, go work with abused children, mentor them, care for them, work in a local soup kitchen, meet those that are suffering and in need, help them, build real deep human bonds.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi,

Please go get help and don't stop looking until you find a professional that can and will help. I've lived in the UK and I know there are resources. Do let us know how you're doing, I'm concerned and will be checking back here.

Teresa

 

[nerdygirl]

I believe somebody can help, and encourage you to continue to search for them. Until you find them, there are many people here who are happy to listen.