So this could get lengthy, i hope you guys like to read.
Im a 22 year old male, turning 23 very soon actually. Im pretty convinced that ive totally lost myself, im depressed and it sucks.
I was always generally a very happy person. I remember just feeling happy to be alive and the world seemed like such an interesting place. Its hard to explain but everything in my life was attached to this electric feeling, good or bad. I was excited to do new things, make new friends, go to the movies or parties..basically anything and everything in my life was exciting. I knew who i was and what i wanted to be and i was content.
A couple of years ago while i was in college, i realized that i was in a program that i didnt care for at all and it wasnt me. The first couple years were great because i was making a lot of new friends, going to partys, just having a lot of fun in general. But i think when i came to this realization everything kind of slowed down. Everything seemed less 'electric' i could still have fun and was the same person for the most part but something was missing. Im not sure if thats part of growing up but the feeling has just gotten worse since then.
Now i guess i have my problems but i dont want to put all the blame for this depression on them, im still searching for the answer.
I just officially broke up with my girlfriend of one year a couple days ago. Near the end of college one year i met her. It was at a confusing time in my life. I had never been all that interested in girls, well i was interested in girls but i didnt need a girl to make me happy and i had a ton of fun with my guy friends so i didnt care. I think at that time i felt like maybe it was not having a girl in my life that made me feel depressed or sad. So i started hanging out with girls a lot more, and it was cool because i had a bunch of confidence at that time. I dont feel great about that because i feel like thats a false sense of confidence and i shouldnt need girls flocking around me to feel good about myself.
Long story short i started dating one that i met and i enjoyed hanging out with. I thought she was really cute, had a good personality, and seemed compatible with me. Generally everything was pretty good except for some fights when we drank because i thought she was too flirty and she though i was too jealous. It turns out she was really flirty with other guys and it makes me look like a chump.(she has her issues just like everyone else, she likes attention because her moms a crazy alcoholic and she never got attention from her) At one point though i believed it was all my fault and that i was overly jealous and retarded. I think this really messed me up, i was worried all the time, i didnt get enough sleep, didnt eat enough..just a lot of anxiety which is something ive never felt.
So eventually a broke up with her, shes heartbroken by it and i knew i had to do it because all my thoughts about her became negative ones. I started to resent her happiness which is horrible. I thought breaking up with her might end this sadness but i still feel the same. I still miss her and care about her a lot and wish it could go back to the way it was before. It never will be able to unless i can get my happiness back, find myself, and get that zest for life back. I want it so bad and would do anything for it.
Right now I know its important for me to do me. I know i have to let go of everything and get back to being myself but that seems really hard to do when i feel so down all the time. I know that i want to save money and go to school next year for independent music production which would be cool because for the first time i would be studying something that im interested in. I dont do much during the day because i dont work everyday and when im by myself i over think everything like crazy. I do what i love everyday which is play the guitr, sing, and write songs. but even that cant get me out of this mood. (i sing mostly sad songs and depressing music seems to be my favorite =/)
All in all i just feel very neutral about everything, im not interested in much, i feel bitter at my family, i dont have the drive to have conversations, i feel like i cant have any fun anymore..even though up until all this i was the life of the party and never stopped having fun. Its really eating me up inside, i need to feel better.
thanks for reading, any advice is appreciated.
heres me singing a song i wrote maybe you can get a better feel for who i am as a person? lol i dunno
Im a 22 year old male, turning 23 very soon actually. Im pretty convinced that ive totally lost myself, im depressed and it sucks.
I was always generally a very happy person. I remember just feeling happy to be alive and the world seemed like such an interesting place. Its hard to explain but everything in my life was attached to this electric feeling, good or bad. I was excited to do new things, make new friends, go to the movies or parties..basically anything and everything in my life was exciting. I knew who i was and what i wanted to be and i was content.
A couple of years ago while i was in college, i realized that i was in a program that i didnt care for at all and it wasnt me. The first couple years were great because i was making a lot of new friends, going to partys, just having a lot of fun in general. But i think when i came to this realization everything kind of slowed down. Everything seemed less 'electric' i could still have fun and was the same person for the most part but something was missing. Im not sure if thats part of growing up but the feeling has just gotten worse since then.
Now i guess i have my problems but i dont want to put all the blame for this depression on them, im still searching for the answer.
I just officially broke up with my girlfriend of one year a couple days ago. Near the end of college one year i met her. It was at a confusing time in my life. I had never been all that interested in girls, well i was interested in girls but i didnt need a girl to make me happy and i had a ton of fun with my guy friends so i didnt care. I think at that time i felt like maybe it was not having a girl in my life that made me feel depressed or sad. So i started hanging out with girls a lot more, and it was cool because i had a bunch of confidence at that time. I dont feel great about that because i feel like thats a false sense of confidence and i shouldnt need girls flocking around me to feel good about myself.
Long story short i started dating one that i met and i enjoyed hanging out with. I thought she was really cute, had a good personality, and seemed compatible with me. Generally everything was pretty good except for some fights when we drank because i thought she was too flirty and she though i was too jealous. It turns out she was really flirty with other guys and it makes me look like a chump.(she has her issues just like everyone else, she likes attention because her moms a crazy alcoholic and she never got attention from her) At one point though i believed it was all my fault and that i was overly jealous and retarded. I think this really messed me up, i was worried all the time, i didnt get enough sleep, didnt eat enough..just a lot of anxiety which is something ive never felt.
So eventually a broke up with her, shes heartbroken by it and i knew i had to do it because all my thoughts about her became negative ones. I started to resent her happiness which is horrible. I thought breaking up with her might end this sadness but i still feel the same. I still miss her and care about her a lot and wish it could go back to the way it was before. It never will be able to unless i can get my happiness back, find myself, and get that zest for life back. I want it so bad and would do anything for it.
Right now I know its important for me to do me. I know i have to let go of everything and get back to being myself but that seems really hard to do when i feel so down all the time. I know that i want to save money and go to school next year for independent music production which would be cool because for the first time i would be studying something that im interested in. I dont do much during the day because i dont work everyday and when im by myself i over think everything like crazy. I do what i love everyday which is play the guitr, sing, and write songs. but even that cant get me out of this mood. (i sing mostly sad songs and depressing music seems to be my favorite =/)
All in all i just feel very neutral about everything, im not interested in much, i feel bitter at my family, i dont have the drive to have conversations, i feel like i cant have any fun anymore..even though up until all this i was the life of the party and never stopped having fun. Its really eating me up inside, i need to feel better.
thanks for reading, any advice is appreciated.
heres me singing a song i wrote maybe you can get a better feel for who i am as a person? lol i dunno
