I’m 22 male, virgin. A few male friends, well actually one. But don't see that often nor do I really want to. I commute from home where one parent lives, I hate it. I hate college. it's in Philadelphia. I don't know what I’m doing there. the amazing thing is to me is on the full campus there is a feeling of isolation. I feel invisible most of the time. I know for a fact I’m not the only one but that is not very comforting. I see many eating studying sitting alone and want to say something completely honest for once. like , 'I lonely can me talk openly and kindly to one another and see if we like each other"? I feel bad that there are so many(and even more than I thought now seeing this page) lonely people out there. every one is so unique and interesting. It's too bad we don't make it a point to introduce ourselves to every single ******* person we lay eyes on just because there may be a connection there. looks don't mean anything because everyone is so unique and we all have so much to share and give. Basically I make "friends" with the people I sit next to randomly on the first day of class, that's it. I try to make friends but it never goes anywhere and I am very hard on myself with an inferiority deal going. I hate parties because I feel stiff and awkward and like the people don't like me. wrong I know but still it's enough to make me not go. I don't drink so that discourages me from trying to break some hardcore ice at a real party. but I feel those kids are shallow especially if I go solo. It's amazing sometimes I can go the entire 7-hour day without saying one word. I desperately want to though. I smoke a lot of pot, which does not help with sociability one ******* bit. When people ignore or I fuckup some interaction I comfort myself with the fact of , "oh well I’ll just get high". I've been in that cycle for years now. I love the intimate vulnerable real conversations that happen alone between close people. I wish it could be like that all the time, instead of sarcastic jokes, masculine gesturing, and guarded analytic conversations.
self help(yes I’ve been desperate enough to go down that road many times) books talk about how a lot of us probably on this forum arte "waiting". Were waiting for that special someone to come into out life and make it meaningful. so we all have to get out there right and put our out happy face and act like we don't have to persuade ourselves to get up in the morning because we wonder what’s the point. Yeah ******* right, how depressing. I've read books on every religion and all philosophies. new age stuff like Wayne dyer, some Dali lama like stuff, Hinduism, and every other self-help book I thought might comfort me. At the end of them I felt like I am trying to delude myself, to try and convince myself of the power of now, or the beauty of sunsets, detachment from the fruit of action, and all that other related stuff which now what seems to me, garbage. Stuff to make money of us lonely people. masturbating get real boring and depressing after a while though as all of you probably know but I’d be interested in opinions. I depress myself, I know. I sickly enjoy it like a drug. I don't know how to get off it though. if your still reading, you're awesome, thank you. this will sound real dumb and redundant but its nice to know that there are still lonely people out there, and I not the only one sitting home alone wishing things could be different but don’t know how, maybe thinking about calling that distant contact, male or female, late at night when the loneliness just feels like it's too much one night. I don’t of talk to them (lonely people) during my days so it's nice we can communicate of express ourselves openly and anonymously here in the artificial cyber world.
Something else that maybe some of you have experienced. you meet someone that you’re attracted to, you seem to get along. She or He is more popular than you, probably common if you're on this forum. better social skills which is why they were able to even talk to you in the first place. they ask about things you do or the dreaded( to me), "What are you doing this weekend(or tonight or a holiday) the answer is always the same, "nothing". And they might answer "oh", and proceed to tell you about their big plans or may kindly spare you. Either way I feel like I’ve been exposed as a loner, someone with something different about them and probably interpreted to the other as sad or desperate and it appears unattractive. The problem perpetuates itself b/c when someone does brush into my life I’m either, "aloof" which one girl described me as which was fuckin' dead on. I’m afraid to get hurt or feel awkward, cowardly I know. Or I weakly try to pursue and it just fizzles out in a sad way. I’ve only a few times in entire life let someone actually "see" me.
I used to be an extrovert, I had friends and didn't care what people thought of me, which always I think, goes in your favor. I went to high school and became a loner. I was scared of the extroverts and judgmental people there. the things that were respected and thought of as funny there I could not relate to. I hid for four years. I’ve never been on high school date, never kissed a girl til college, but that’s as far as it went. Never went to any school function, (games, prom, or graduation) because what was the point to be like George Mcfly in back to the future dancing by yourself in a fancy outfit? I absorbed myself in a hobby(which im not saying I order to perhaps obscure myself a little better) and drug use. both solo home alone activities. I had one friend all of high school who didn't even go to the same school.
I go to school and come home to what I wish was an empty house but worse it has a angry depressed parent there which is even worse and more depressing and alienating. People would come to my funeral if I died but no one I care about, because know that I think about it I care almost about no one. I'm not proud of that. maybe a few people.
I ask all of you who perhaps think this, what makes us think that a relationship will solve our problems? dating can be very depressing at times from my incredibly limited experience bank. Online dating seems way too sad but perhaps I’ll give it try if I’m still a virgin in a year. It seems I may be wrong but online dating look more attractive to women because nice guys(and nuts) are more willing to go to that and not feel weird about it. When I see a female's ad I think she must have been kicked around in some bad relationships and probably has some mental problems. Wrong I know but I involuntarily think that. then again I don’t know what's it's like to have some ugly creep just want to stick his dick in you and that's it. I'd be interested in what gay/lesbian loneliness and online dating is like is, more isolating or less, or depends on person and situation. sorry I’m categorizing here, but I really know no out gay people. I spot them but that's it. perhaps a relationship would make me happy, I’ll take the pain of the inevitable break up for just some time in a satisfying relationship. at this point I’m obsessed with sex but would trade no sex in a heartbeat for an honest kind relationship. I need that more than anything. My hobby doesn't comfort me that much. Perhaps some confidence would be nice too. but some acceptance and kindness is what dream about most. I thought "leaving Las Vegas" was fuckin' beautiful.
Oh and fresia facebook, for those of you who know what it is or are on it. What a great way to make yourself depressed and feel lonely seeing or being faceboooked by someone with 700 friends to add to your pile of 2, if you’re lucky. to see their party pictures, like they want to prove, "look I’m hip, I’m cool, I do honeysuckle and have friends and I want to catch it in the act!" ahhh, how sad. for me I mean. I’m just frustrated b/c I’d probably be right there with them it I had the friends and social skills.
Not that I blaming anything or is it something we could change if it were true but why does out culture and society produce so many lonely? We are all afraid of each other it seems. AFRAID OF NOT BEING LIKED. Do TV and media do that to us, make us scared of each other? I probably, like many of you was raised with a steady diet of cable TV, and I’m sure that I have many subconscious feelings and attitudes from it. judgments and fears that inhibit even talking to people.
Like you know this if you're in college. Teacher asks a question to big or small class. You know the answer, you may even find the topic interesting and let's say you even like the professor. No one says anything except for the same few kids who talk ever time, and your sick of their mundane opinions. I think they just like to hear themselves speak. 5 people talk out of 100. I'm scared of looking stupid or worse having to defend my argument with a more aggressive person or like I’ve done before say something a little different and alienate myself from my peers. and which doesn’t help, sometimes you just don't care.
I feel like im chasing my tail. I dread tomorrow. I'll be there for a short amount of time eat some food and go home. all alone.
I hope some of you do this because I would think it very amusing, a secret intangible bond between us. When you feel bad, which for me is most of time, but you put on a "happy" face. I don't mean a big fake smile, but a what I think of as I face of someone who might be happy. At least that's how I want it interpreted. Content or so I think. I want to do the miserable expression that would feel so good and natural. I don't because I feel then if no one talks to me I so brought it upon myself and im just exacerbating my own isolation.
It just gets old to be alone all the time doing your routine things expected of you. we are not machines. It feels pointless alot of the time, especially when I see older people working honeysuckle jobs or even "good" ones and think that they go back to a one bedroom apartment alone. I have a little hope b/c at least I’m in college for a while so I’m am around thousands of women. They don't talk to me but still. Being in a job or working at home where you don't meet people must be so depressing. It looks still shitty but better for people in relationships. They have someone at home and talk to. I will definitely kill myself if I end up in something like that. Or do something like move to Thailand then maybe kill myself. But driving home alone in your car, entering your door alone and sitting on your chair wondering what will you do. Perhaps drugs, booze, TV, strippers, intellectual stimulation like books, food, but the flow underneath it all is you would rather be doing something else. those are all weak temporary escapes, as everyone knows, but we still al do them. To work to sit alone in a room. That's what our culture produces these days. Tribal people wouldn’t have any idea what were talking about, the feeling of meaningless and isolation and unalterable loneliness, and uniquely ours dread of the future.
well I feel a little better, I hope someone reads this. If not that' alright too. I just wanted to say this. Maybe you'll me pass one day on the street and won't even know it . I won't know you read it but there is a connection there. I won't introduce myself of course and you probably won't either but we both know about these confessions so that will have to be enough.
If you're in college I’d love to hear what you have to say about this. The movies I saw before college(animal house, van wilder) are nothing like college is, at least for me. It's numbing and depressing and monotonous. I thought it's be different from high school like older adults promised me. it is for some I guess. if you reply I promise I’ll write back, if that's any enticement.
I just read some other person's post. At least feel good if you've had any kind of friend girl thing at all. I’ve never had any. A few weak relationships, once with a women twice my age, which was fun only because it was new for me, but she stopped returning phone calls after a "date" which didn't seem that bad, which trust me I’ve analyzed. other than that only "friend" girls that I was so ready to fall in love with but they seemed not interested and I don't know how to break the big ice of moving close. oh and I have the classic situation of currently being in love with unattainable girl (I randomly connected with conversationally once that was fantastic), but she’s in a different social strata and in love with her bf and I never see her. so basically I know no one at my school and am alone all the time there. So yeah. Another poster wrote this which I thought was great,
"I wish I didn't have to speak. It's so hard sometimes, to get the words out, in person or on paper. I wish I could just project my thoughts outward from my center, so that others could see them and understand what I can't describe or what becomes irrelevant in words"
in some fizzling conclusion, I thought I was one of the only people on earth desperate and confused enough to type I am lonely in google, I am profoundly wrong, which is nice and pleasantly surprising. this site is so cool, I would be friends with each and every one of you. This site because of its subject matter seems real honest and guards let down, a rare thing in my life these days. I love it, thank you
Anyway, let me just tell you a little about my miserable existence. I used to be a normal kid; that was a long time ago, back in grammar school. I was funny and outgoing. But, something happened in middle school and continued on into high school. I stopped trusting people, my three closest friends of childhood fell out of my life--one I just plain stopped seeing and the other two changed schools. I became seriously shy. I never went to any of my high school dances, including my senior prom. While everyone was making an epic memory at prom, I was home. I don't even remember what I was doing (yea, whatever it was was that important). 
