Painful memories

[Glowgirl]

Hey, I have a story to tell, I just want to get it off my chest. I get depressed every now and then because I've always been such a loser with guys. I'm pretty quiet and I don't say very much, it's just the way I am, I've tried to change but can't. I was kind of the ugly girl as a teenager, and I worked with a guy for about 10 years who dropped hints to me, stood up close to me in the corridor, made eyes at me etc. but completely ignored me in public, to the point where he'd turn his back if I tried to join in a conversation. (at one stage I heard him bragging to another guy about how I fancied him, and discussing how boring I was/wasn't). I'm having a lot of trouble ditching this and moving on. I think the search for a relationship. For me would be so long and arduous it may not be worth it - better to concentrate on being happy instead- but I'm still storing up so much hurt from humiliations that I can't talk about without being embarrassed all over. I'm 41 now.

Is there some secret to not caring?

 

[Sci-Fi]

No there isn't. To truly not care you have to abandon everything, you have to shed what makes you a decent human being. You have to have no compassion, no remorse, no sense of morality, nothing. Who wants to be that? I'd rather live with the insecurities, the embarrassment, the humiliations, then be a uncaring automaton. When you don't care about others or yourself you become something else, something that is far from human. There are people out there like that, I know a few and they are the worst most despicable people I've ever met. All they do is hurt other people. It's better to be the way you are then become something like that.

There are things you can change about yourself but you never want to be something that deep down you are not.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I think most everyone who is capable of desiring to be in a relationship, tends to do so. I think, though, it is a lot more rare than we realize how often such relationships lead to fulfillment. If you look around long enough you'll find most people who are in relationships have all the same problems they did before, if not more of them.

I don't think there is some secret to not caring, I think it would be quite abnormal to not care. I suppose there are certain people in life who have chosen paths of strict celibacy, but usually these types end up desiring the same thing everyone else does and it manifests in strange ways or they become quite skilled in their practice and have ways of achieving different sorts of bliss and feelings of connectedness most of us don't come to be familiar with, be it through intense mediation or prayer and the like.

I'm not really sure at what I'm saying or if there is anything I could really say to help you feel better. I guess this life is just what happens to us while we are planning for something else? Not all dreams come true, but at least it's nice to dream?

I don't really see any secret to not caring. Seems, though, for some people, being single is freeing, and for others it's pain. Also, for some people being with some one brings happiness and for others they still feel alone or it brings even more problems.

I suppose the way I see it, it's miracle enough to desire something, to want, to dream... Even if they dream doesn't come true, it's a story in itself.

I liked your story, anyway...

 

[In a lonely place]

I don't think you want to not care. As sci-fi said you are what you feel and I don't know about you but I want to be a caring, sensitive, decent person.
I'm sorry that you have been scarred by that sh** of a guy, he obviously needed the ego boost of putting someone else down.
I'm sure you have many great qualities, use them.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Talking about it helps. It releases built up pressure. You cant carry forever.
Youre ready to let got of it.

You have taken a step as little as it may seem but it's a big step.
You might have vent about it serveral times. Allow yourself to feel
whatever feelings you had stuff inside of you for years....such as anger, hate..ect.
The negative feelings....Each time you do so...it's like letting go more and more.
It's a healing process.

It might take days, weeks, months or even years. Go at your own pace.
Everyone is different.
However you will feel releave each time you let go.

But you might want to be careful of not talking about all the time so that it might
become chornic. This too is a process of it's own.
Eventually you'll realized it's just your mind going into a mental loop generating
the same old pains over and over again.
You'll catch yourself more and more...

Bacailly you've let go enough to the piont of not really giving a honeysuckle (caring) about
the matter that's causing you pains. Not thinking or wanting to talk about it
again becomes natural...becuase you recognize it'll simply just trigger more
pains to talk or think about it again and again.
Domt need to figure it out anymore..You'll simply just drop it.
Residue of those pains will arrise again from time to time...it's ok.
You'll simply just drop it as it arrises.

The you'll simply just reshift your focus to something else..
Such as feeling good and being happy.

Intuitively you already know how to do this.
As you learn to turst your own intuitions

Or you can talk to a counselor.
Or attend support groups.
People are know understanding and more knowlegeable of what you had lived
through. You'll be allow to talk without getting intrupted as you release.

Perhase you know someone you can trust that is a good listener...
Not to judge you or have any opinions about it one way or the other.

You can also try writing in the Dairy section of the forum.
You have annominity...
Plus it's designed to not have any response from other users...for this particular
reason.

maybe someday I might write 20 pages in the dairy section about Sassy and I.
Lots of deep emotional pains between her and I that expand over our life time.
Believe i ve written about that enough by sharing my experince with other people.
I also use the Sedana methode to let go.

 

[dannyr22]

No there isn't. To truly not care you have to abandon everything, you have to shed what makes you a decent human being. You have to have no compassion, no remorse, no sense of morality, nothing. Who wants to be that? I'd rather live with the insecurities, the embarrassment, the humiliations, then be a uncaring automaton. When you don't care about others or yourself you become something else, something that is far from human. There are people out there like that, I know a few and they are the worst most despicable people I've ever met. All they do is hurt other people. It's better to be the way you are then become something like that.

There are things you can change about yourself but you never want to be something that deep down you are not.

+1 could not have put it better myself

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No there isn't. To truly not care you have to abandon everything, you have to shed what makes you a decent human being. You have to have no compassion, no remorse, no sense of morality, nothing. Who wants to be that? I'd rather live with the insecurities, the embarrassment, the humiliations, then be a uncaring automaton. When you don't care about others or yourself you become something else, something that is far from human. There are people out there like that, I know a few and they are the worst most despicable people I've ever met. All they do is hurt other people. It's better to be the way you are then become something like that.

There are things you can change about yourself but you never want to be something that deep down you are not.

+1 could not have put it better myself

She wasnt saying to not care entirely.

She was saying to not cared about her troubled past the truamatized her. Its call PTSD. She has flaskbacks of those
truamics events that effects her lives today.

She already said she wants to be happy.

 

[In a lonely place]

I think yes, you should concentrate on being happy yourself for a while. I feel I am like you in that I put up with a lot of crap from women in order for them to like me and I'm realising lately that I don't have to do this. I am a decent person in my own right and I deserve to show myself more respect.
That's without being arrogant or self-righteous but I do try to let myself be open to friendships, possible relationships and that's where it's tricky. You have to trust people to get close to them, but in trusting them, you leave yourself open to being hurt.

 

[Lonely in BC]

I honestly don't now if there is any such thing as a secret to not caring (I've never really found it) but I have found that as I've "matured" that I've become indifferent to the majority of negative or non-constructive criticism.

It's tough to shake old hurts, I've found that the best thing for me personally has been to make major changes- I don't have what most would consider to be close, long term relationships as a result but I'm also not frequently reminded of old hurts. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I no longer dwell on old humiliations, I force myself to move forward because I don't want to waste my time contemplating other peoples honeysuckle.

Don't know if this helps, it's just my point of view. It's been working for me.

 

[Trent]

there's a difference between not caring and acceptance.

accept those things that you can't change/control.

you'll find that encompasses about 99.7% of the things in your life.

the 0.3% that you do hold sway over is your own actions and attitude.

that is the only part worth fretting over.

people will do what people will do.

in the end it simply won't matter.

realize life is a phase. a wild, crazy ride that will pass very soon.

and when that day comes, you will look back on ANY fretting as foolish.

You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you can't be sure.