Pedophilia and Anxiety

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't think that. I just think the OP is fighting against something that he's obviously struggling with, and we aren't equipped here to help him with it.

 

[anon6156]

The mistake you made was going to Target on a weekend when families are shopping with their children. You can easily avoid this by shopping during week days or in the evening when there is less of a chance of children being present.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to stop these feelings.

I've never had this happen before so I never thought it necessary to avoid children beyond obvious things like not taking certain jobs such as a camp counselor. Now that this is an issue, yes, it will be necessary to try and avoid children for the time being. But the fact of that matter is that it is impossible to avoid them. What I need is to learn to cope with and overcome the associated anxiety so that I can control my thoughts. Today is day 67, I hope to some day count in years instead of days. The ultimate goal is maintain that streak as long as I live. I believe confronting this is the best way to achieve that, not avoiding it.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Good luck to you, anon.

 

[Frito Bandito]

Today is day 67.

You could get real proactive and shut off your Internet connection.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Today is day 67.

You could get real proactive and shut off your Internet connection.

That isn't helpful.

At least anon is trying to get help for his issues. The last thing he needs to do is be attacked for it.

 

[Pezza]

Don't ask people to not attack, they have every right to. The OP has admitted to watching child porn, if he hadn't then yes it would be wrong for people to attack him, however he has.

The OP has said that he's stopped which is good. However he could always be lying.

I myself don't really care all that much if people commit crimes or break laws, that would be hypocritical of me. However there are a few that are unforgivable. Child abuse is one of them. I would like to abuse every ****** who has committed it. I know the OP hasn't abused anyone, but he has willingly watched someone doing just that, therefore he's supporting the system. I don't care what you people say, everyone has sexual desires and fetishes, but they do not stop us from thinking, they do not stop us from understanding right from wrong. He was well aware that what he wanted to watch was disgraceful. He was well aware that a child was scarred for life. He was well aware it was wrong. He did it anyway.

I hope you get caught and charged with the possession of child pornography, just as I wish it upon every other person who has done what you have. Just because you have asked for help doesn't change what you've already done. You should have done the right thing and asked for help BEFORE you got a kick from that child being violated.

Oh and has anyone even considered the OP's motivations for quitting child porn? You do realize that it's very likely that he's giving up due to fear of being caught. Just because he says otherwise doesn't mean you should believe it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You people make me sick. Unsupportive. Judgemental. Let's all turn this into a witch-hunt why don't we?

 

[Frito Bandito]

It is not an attack to recommend that a person disconnect his Internet if he has a problem stopping himself from using it to view child pornography.

 

[Ak5]

OP has panic attacks if he doesn't look at young girls (below age 11!)? There is definitely something wrong.

My best bet is that the OP should see a psychiatrist and get on medication.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

He needs to do what Ak5 said and see a therapist and get on medication. Mostly the therapy.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

OP has panic attacks if he doesn't look at young girls (below age 11!)? There is definitely something wrong...

He might want to try taking some of those testosterone reducing pills they have out there. I'm not sure of the names but a Doc would know. It will reduce the desire for sex which should get him focused on the other billions of things he can do with his life.

 

[EveWasFramed]

OP has panic attacks if he doesn't look at young girls (below age 11!)? There is definitely something wrong.

My best bet is that the OP should see a psychiatrist and get on medication.

That's inaccurate, according to his post. He said he has anxiety attacks when he DOES look at them.
Just pointing out the error...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

OP has panic attacks if he doesn't look at young girls (below age 11!)? There is definitely something wrong.

My best bet is that the OP should see a psychiatrist and get on medication.

That's inaccurate, according to his post. He said he has anxiety attacks when he DOES look at them.
Just pointing out the error...

That's probably because he understands that acting upon the compulsion is wrong.

 

[Ak5]

So, the other day I was in a Target and there was this woman chaperoning a group at least 8 young girls, all 11 or younger. The group was walking towards me and I tried looking away and ignoring them (or at least as much as I could without risking running one of them down with my cart). But then as I passed them and concentrated on ignoring them I started having a panic attack. I kept moving forward hoping that as I got distance from them and eventually out of sight that I'd start to shake it off but it only got worse. Then, suddenly I was acutely aware of all the young girls in the store and I started to feel like I was surrounded and I had to get away. I left the store without buying anything. As I sat in my car trying to calm down all I could think about was how much I hated that it took that much effort to keep from looking.

Just pointing that out. The OP did not look at the girls, and did his best to ignore them, and in doing so he got a panic attack. I mean, I could be wrong, but that is what I understood.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Just pointing that out. The OP did not look at the girls, and did his best to ignore them, and in doing so he got a panic attack. I mean, I could be wrong, but that is what I understood.

Why is it that I can't even look at a young girl without going into some sort of fit?

Im not sure which of us is misunderstanding to be honest.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

So, the other day I was in a Target and there was this woman chaperoning a group at least 8 young girls, all 11 or younger. The group was walking towards me and I tried looking away and ignoring them (or at least as much as I could without risking running one of them down with my cart). But then as I passed them and concentrated on ignoring them I started having a panic attack. I kept moving forward hoping that as I got distance from them and eventually out of sight that I'd start to shake it off but it only got worse. Then, suddenly I was acutely aware of all the young girls in the store and I started to feel like I was surrounded and I had to get away. I left the store without buying anything. As I sat in my car trying to calm down all I could think about was how much I hated that it took that much effort to keep from looking.

Just pointing that out. The OP did not look at the girls, and did his best to ignore them, and in doing so he got a panic attack. I mean, I could be wrong, but that is what I understood.

Sounds like me, except when I have a general fear of people, not just kids. And there isn't anything sexual tied to that anxiety or panic...it's irrational, but I start panicking, anyway.

If that is what happened, then it wasn't tied to pedophilia. It's like one of my college professors once told me, "You're psyching yourself out! Stop worrying, and start living!"

Of course, I am not advocating pedophilia, but therapy and a better understanding of how to avoid having these feelings while out in public can be of use. The OP can't possibly be a recluse all of his life, or spend all of his life fearing public places because children might be there. Take out all of the hatred of the pedophilia acts, and just look at the OP as a person. He can't live in fear.

 

[Ak5]

Just pointing that out. The OP did not look at the girls, and did his best to ignore them, and in doing so he got a panic attack. I mean, I could be wrong, but that is what I understood.

Why is it that I can't even look at a young girl without going into some sort of fit?

Im not sure which of us is misunderstanding to be honest.

Going into a fit, because he wants to look, but knows that it is inappropriate.

 

[nerdygirl]

Ugh. Just... ugh. People make me sick. Pedophilia is a mental illness. It's not a choice. Anon had an anxiety attack because he was surrounded by something he knows he isn't even supposed to think about. If you stick a stressed out alcoholic who has just given up drinking into a room full of booze, I'm sure that person will feel overwhelmed, too.

Of course this forum isn't filled with people who are equipped to help people with this sort of mental illness... any mental illness. At the moment, however, I cannot help thinking that it's sad how ill equipped people here seem to be to provide compassion.

 

[anon6156]

Don't ask people to not attack, they have every right to. The OP has admitted to watching child porn, if he hadn't then yes it would be wrong for people to attack him, however he has.

The OP has said that he's stopped which is good. However he could always be lying.

I myself don't really care all that much if people commit crimes or break laws, that would be hypocritical of me. However there are a few that are unforgivable. Child abuse is one of them. I would like to abuse every ****** who has committed it. I know the OP hasn't abused anyone, but he has willingly watched someone doing just that, therefore he's supporting the system. I don't care what you people say, everyone has sexual desires and fetishes, but they do not stop us from thinking, they do not stop us from understanding right from wrong. He was well aware that what he wanted to watch was disgraceful. He was well aware that a child was scarred for life. He was well aware it was wrong. He did it anyway.

I hope you get caught and charged with the possession of child pornography, just as I wish it upon every other person who has done what you have. Just because you have asked for help doesn't change what you've already done. You should have done the right thing and asked for help BEFORE you got a kick from that child being violated.

Oh and has anyone even considered the OP's motivations for quitting child porn? You do realize that it's very likely that he's giving up due to fear of being caught. Just because he says otherwise doesn't mean you should believe it.

I'm not lying. There would be no point in lying. I have nothing to prove to anybody here. So if I were lying it would only be me trying to lie to myself. But when people lie to themselves it is typically about abstractions; trying to tell themselves they are funny or suave when in reality they are not. Lying to myself about how many days I've abstained indulgences is impractical. I either have or I haven't and to tell myself otherwise would only make me more conscious of my failure.

As far as my past, yes, what I did was wrong. I knew it was wrong. I did it anyway. You say that it is unforgiveable. I understand that. But, I was weak. Then one day I found the strength to confess to my closest friend what I am, and what I've done. She told me it was okay. She told me that she accepts me and that she forgives me. It was a turning point in my life. It made me feel like I could beat this. It gave me strength. It's what allowed me to come here to ALL. Without the support of my friend and the wonderful people in this forum I would still be the same weak person committing the same horrible crimes.

As far as my getting caught, that's not going to happen. I no longer possess any illegal images of children. I don't even possess legal ones. I incorporated something NerdyGirl said to me in a previous thread into my personal philosophy and I did a complete purge. She told me I need to desexualize children in my mind. I used to rationalize that if it wasn't illegal then it was ok. But that is me using the law to decide my personal morality. The law can be wrong, and also, images that exploit children are very hard to legislate. Justice Stewart Potter once said "I know it when I see it" when trying to describe what constitutes "hardcore pornography". The same standard applies here. The law can't perfectly legislate what is and is not child pornography, the line is too difficult to draw. So it is my responsibility, because I know it when I see it.

Lastly, my motivation is not fear of getting caught. All I can say regarding that is when you see someone who was arrested for possession of child pornography it is because they were careless. I will be blunt, it is disturbing how easy it is to not get caught with only moderate effort and a basic understanding of computers.

So, the other day I was in a Target and there was this woman chaperoning a group at least 8 young girls, all 11 or younger. The group was walking towards me and I tried looking away and ignoring them (or at least as much as I could without risking running one of them down with my cart). But then as I passed them and concentrated on ignoring them I started having a panic attack. I kept moving forward hoping that as I got distance from them and eventually out of sight that I'd start to shake it off but it only got worse. Then, suddenly I was acutely aware of all the young girls in the store and I started to feel like I was surrounded and I had to get away. I left the store without buying anything. As I sat in my car trying to calm down all I could think about was how much I hated that it took that much effort to keep from looking.

Just pointing that out. The OP did not look at the girls, and did his best to ignore them, and in doing so he got a panic attack. I mean, I could be wrong, but that is what I understood.

You guys have found an interesting gray area and I'm glad you did because it forces me to look at what happened a little deeper and I learned a little more about it as a result. My original explanation of what happened is that being confronted with young girls in public like that forces me confront what I am and I still haven't made peace with it so it's difficult for me to think about, especially in public when I wasn't prepared to do so.

Now that I've thought about it a little more I see that my natural reaction when I see a young girl is that same reaction that a normal guy has when he sees an adult woman he finds attractive. He wants to check her out. But then I remember that it's wrong. That realization causes me to start to panic. So I force myself to look away. But I don't just look away and that's the end of it. I have a desire to look and it's constant. That exacerbates my panic. So now I have to consciously fight that desire. But, now that I've successfully kept myself from looking my mind starts to have inappropriate thoughts and now I have to fight those, too. Now these things cause me to start feeling the self-loathing that I had originally explained as the source of my panic. But in reality it starts well before that.

 

[nerdygirl]

Is there something that interests you enough to distract you after you look away? Maybe carry an mp3 player and fill it with online radio shows that would distract you. I don't think music requires enough of your attention to really help, but focusing on somebody's words might. Or you might carry a handheld gaming device. You might also be able to call or text somebody.