Pedophilia and Anxiety

[Doubt The Rabbit]

If I may...

Fine I'l apologize , I don't want this thread to go in a totally different direction just because we don't agree. Lets agree to disagree.
Also I didn't know you take things so serious , I come from forums where people talk like this all the time and nobody takes it so serious. ( I'm not trying to offend you or anything , just saying ).

I can't speak for BJD but I am appreciative of your apology. Not sure where you live or what other forums you've been to, but here (on this forum and in America), pedophilia is a very serious subject matter. It's not so much that we take everything seriously, but you simply touched on a subject that most of us take seriously. But thanks for the apology

Okay, you have now learned the reality of A Lonely Life...everyone is usually ******* serious here.

But I was also shocked by what you wrote, and I'm not the most PC person in the world.

Let's get this back on topic. The OP is struggling to free himself from his pedophilia addiction. Let's not say that something that is ILLEGAL and HARMFUL is actually not illegal and harmful, mmm'kay? That doesn't benefit anyone, especially the OP.

I was shocked, too, but in his apology he explained his point of view. He didn't mean to offend, even if he didn't use the right words to express his opinion ("rules are meant to be broken" = bad choice of words, bro) Where Masson is correct is that there are cultures that do condone marrying off young children to have sex (to which my only opinion on that matter is that "cultures" are not decided by children - they are decided by adults. Children don't make the decision of having sex so early. Adults make it for them.) Maybe it's not illegal where he is. America isn't the only lawmaking country. Looking back on Masson's post, what he said is true (except the rules are meant to be broken part), it was the attitude about it that upset me.

That said, don't get this forum wrong. We're not "******* serious". We're serious and respectful to serious topics. This is a serious topic. Masson just expressed his opinion on it in a poor manner. But yes, let's not dwell on this for much longer - the morality of pedophilia doesn't matter in this case and discssing it is moot here. Plus I'm sure it's just making OP feel judged.

Please show me where did I wrote that someting illegal and harmful is not illegal and harmful and I will edit all my posts here.

(Even though you're not talking to me) As I said above, I don't know where you're from so perhaps it isn't even illegal where you are. Pedophilia in itself is potentially harmful (and in OP's case, child porn is illegal), and speaking on its behalf won't really sway people in your favor. However, looking back on it, what you said may have given some comfort to OP considering you didn't judge him or his morals at all. After all, he's just like the rest of us trying to overcome personal problems...for us to judge him is just being hypocritical. Just make sure to think about how others will react to the things you say before you say them. Your opinion may be valid but no one will listen if you don't deliver it well.

That said, I apologize for lashing out at you.

---

Anyway, I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice for OP that I can share without divulging my personal business to people I don't care to share it with. But, hey, good luck.

That's great! I'm glad you've been making progress. Keep it going.

I think you might be making this harder on yourself than it has to be. I mean, I don't know how it is to have this sort of dysfunction, so I can only compare it to what other people experience. A guy who finds adult women sexy can go to a beach without freaking out about being surrounded by scantily clad women. He could go into an adult novelty store and be surrounded by pictures of naked women and adult toys without feeling overwhelmingly aroused. Is what you experience around a child different? If so, could you please try to explain?

Right now, I can only think that part of your extreme anxiety is because you're so incredibly focused on not seeing a young girl that way. Obviously, I'm not encouraging you to see them sexually. What I'm saying is that you must try to see them as desexualized human beings.

When you're in a store, remind yourself that you're in a store. Yes, you must try and control your thoughts, redirect them if they go the wrong way. That's all part of keeping yourself in check. However, no matter what thoughts go flying through your head, you're probably not going to act on them... just as a guy on the beach probably isn't going to violate some random woman in a bikini. Some guy in an adult toy store isn't going to start humping the cute cashier. You're not going to assault a little girl. You are not a victim of your disorder. Tell yourself that when you start feeling overwhelmed.

I think this is the best advice OP could possibly have.

 

[Badjedidude]

Please show me where did I wrote that someting illegal and harmful is not illegal and harmful and I will edit all my posts here.

Here's what I saw in that first post of yours: Two very insensitive remarks that implied that ******* a 14 yr-old (or younger) child was OK.

Here's what I DIDN'T see in that first post of yours: Any refutation of those two remarks, or any personal opinion of yours that argued AGAINST those remarks.

Now, you tell me what that looks like.

Also I didn't know you take things so serious , I come from forums where people talk like this all the time and nobody takes it so serious. ( I'm not trying to offend you or anything , just saying ).

I generally don't take things serious.

But pedophilia is quite different. It's no laughing matter, as it's something that destroys children.

So you can understand why I treat it as a subject that shouldn't be taken so lightly.

 

[anon6156]

116 days.

One hundred and sixteen days.

It only took 116 days of abstinence before I wanted to kill myself. I like the idea of sitting in my car in the garage with the door closed and the engine running. My understanding is that carbon monoxide poisoning is gentle. You just fall asleep.

I can't do this anymore. The longer I try to not be around children, try to not have inappropriate thoughts about little girls, try to not look at child pornography, the less interested I'm becoming in adult women. It's like a finger trap. The harder I try to pull away the tighter the grip it has on me. I feel like I'm infected by this. It's a disease, a virus. It's a growth, a blight. It's in me and it doesn't belong there but there's no cure. I can't take a pill, I can't get an injection, I can't cut it out. It's in me. It's in every part of me. It's in every thought, every moment. There's no where I can go and there's nothing I can do without it being there. Looming over me.

I go out somewhere and I see a little girl and my first thought is a flash of a fantasy. I want to touch her. I watch TV and there's a little girl on TV and I imagine taking her clothes off. I'm lying here in bed clutching a pillow wishing it was the woman I'm in love with and suddenly in my mind she transforms into a 10 year old. I keep trying to distract myself. I fight it. I fight it and I fight it and I fight it. But the more I fight this the more I need to indulge myself. I'm losing control of myself. I can't contain this but I don't want to be a monster. I don't want to be that man you see on the news someday and everybody in the room just shakes their head. They lose a little bit more faith in humanity and someone comments "How could anyone do something like that to a kid?" Several people have replied to my threads alluding to their own stories of abuse as children. I don't want to be the man who creates those stories. I want to be better than that but I'm running out of strength.

What's inside of me is not just a quirk or an illness. I'm starting to believe that what I have inside of me is evil. I was rereading the replies on the two threads I've started with this account. Someone recommended that I acquaint myself with stories of the pain caused by child abuse. I wasn't sure what to say at the time but when I reread it I knew immediately that it was not good advice. Not that it's a bad idea per se. But with respect to me it would not be a good move. Knowing the pain caused to someone by this, and the pain that I myself am trying to keep from causing....it's exciting. I like the feeling of causing pain and suffering. I enjoy making people cry. And then hearing how deeply their lives were affected. That's a lot of control exerted over someone else's life. The idea that I could have that much control over someone and cause them so much pain is exhilarating.

I outed myself as a pedophile here and in doing so I've been honest with all of you in a way I never imagined I could be. That honesty has been the most cathartic thing I've ever experienced. Every time I've been tempted I've come here and I've made a post revealing a little bit more of myself and every time that act pulled me back from the brink of failure and I was able to get myself back under control. Right now I'm tempted again. And I'm feeling more despair than usual. I'm starting to believe that I doomed myself to failure. That complete abstinence from all things pedophilia related may be impossible. But if that's true then that means it's impossible for me to be the moral person I want to be. So if I can't stop myself from indulging, and I can't live with myself if I indulge, then I have to kill myself. And that's what I'm on the brink of right now. So if honesty is the only thing that has been saving me thus far, then I'm going to have to try that again. What I'm going to say next is going to be very disturbing to many of you. Don't read it if you don't think you can handle it. I apologize in advanced to the moderators.




I used to look at child pornography. I used to look at it a lot. Pictures and videos. It's mind boggling how easy it is to find. It's as readily available as regular pornography (once you know where to look). There's all kinds. There's non-nude (NN) websites where children are posed in bikinis and underwear under the pretense of being "models". They're posed in erotic poses and coached to use sexual facial expressions. Then there's "nudist" websites. They pose as being a website all about the activities of a nudist community. They do an excellent job of making sure the underaged girls are a low percentage of the number of people in all the photos. It makes it seem more legitimate if out of 10,000 photos only 20 or 30 actually show children. But someone like me was happy to sift through to find what I was looking for. Everyone in the photos does a good job of looking like they are having a good, wholesome, fun naked time. But inevitably, when you get to the few that are of children you can see in their faces that they're scared and confused. Then you have websites that have no pretenses. They are children and they are nude. The content is always made in countries with lax laws and poor enforcement. If the children are lucky it's their parent that's doing this to them but often they're sex slaves. Forced prostitutes. The reason I say they're lucky if their parents are the ones perpetrating this because those are the cases where it's generally just nude photos. If the children are sex slaves then that's when the photos and videos involve actual sexual acts. But the worst is the self-generated content. Everything I described above are people running websites for profit. The most disturbing pictures and videos are people who have no interest in money. They take videos of themselves doing things to children because they enjoy it and they want to share it. When you come across content like this it's not uncommon in the videos to see crying, to hear screaming, to see blood. It is the epitome of the worst humankind is capable of. And from the tenuous faux safety of my computer I've ventured into this part of humanity. I've seen the worst it has to offer. And I've derived pleasure from it.

I'm telling you this because when I say there is evil inside of me I want you to understand my full meaning. I was letting that evil take over me. I was letting it control me. In that way I failed as a human. And now, exactly as I expected, a deeply honest confession was incredibly cathartic. I feel empowered and in control of myself again. So yes, I used to be a failure of a human being.

But never again.

Day 117 in 16 minutes.

 

[Lonely in BC]

What is wrong with the moderators on this site?

You allow this kind of disgusting honeysuckle on ALL yet you're incredibly willing to shut down (or make threats to shut down) other topics that are disturbing but far less then this?

Several times I've seen ALL mods posting that they will either close down a thread OR ban an individual who indicates any animosity or calling down of other posters- I'm calling your bluff. Anon is playing you, playing everyone here on ALL. I'm responding and telling you that allowing this p.o.s. to post this..... disgusting crap indicates the depth of your personal moral decay. Does it sound harsh or accusatory? It's meant to.

I'm certain a mod will edit or delete what I'm going to write but I'll do it anyhow- any time you want to find out what helpless children experience anon, just let me know. Dont give me any bullshit about you not personally doing it, you're still a participant by observing it. I'll quite happily let you experience the fear, pain, and blood you described. If you want tears, you got them. If you want humiliation, I'll give it to you for free. It won't be via sexual degradation, it will strictly be a grown man throwing you around and exerting control on you that you're unable to get away from.

You're one sick fresia!

If I'm banned and this pathetic thread remains I bid my friends adieu. I've enjoyed your company, your thoughts, and your hopes.

 

[Doubt The Rabbit]

BC, you're a dick.

---

Let me tell you something - this man is not a future child rapist. I've come into close contact with those. He is tormented. He is depressed and ashamed. And it's people like YOU, Lonely in BC, who turn people like Anon into monsters. A man who clearly seeks salvation from his own thoughts, thoughts he can't help, and here you are kicking dirt in his face. You should be ******* ashamed of yourself. How about you? With your loneliness and willingness to be a complete and utter *******?

If this man's a sick fresia, then you're a loser, an outcast, an asswipe, and a big, flaming dick.

Doesn't feel too good, does it?

We ALL have issues here and it is NEITHER YOUR PLACE NOR YOUR RIGHT to ostracise someone just because their affliction isn't your cup of tea.
I am truly hurting for Anon and hoping he doesn't act on his suicidal thoughts, even when he has people like you around to PHYSICALLY THREATEN him and make him feel like honeysuckle. You're a ******* dick, BC. I hope you ARE banned.

 

[Barbaloot]

Anon, have you considered depo-provera? It might help you.

 

[ajdass1]

Hi anon. All I really want to say is that if posting on this website helps you, then please do it all the time. I think you're incredibly brave for being able to post these things in a thread where there are people who are verbally attacking you. I really hope you don't kill yourself. I hope that one day you get through this. If I were a psychiatrist and you came to me and told me everything you've said on this forum I would do everything in my power to help you. I guess I don't have anything to say or suggest to help you, but I support you and hopefully that counts for something.

 

[Poguesy]

What is wrong with the moderators on this site?

You allow this kind of disgusting honeysuckle on ALL yet you're incredibly willing to shut down (or make threats to shut down) other topics that are disturbing but far less then this?

Several times I've seen ALL mods posting that they will either close down a thread OR ban an individual who indicates any animosity or calling down of other posters- I'm calling your bluff. Anon is playing you, playing everyone here on ALL. I'm responding and telling you that allowing this p.o.s. to post this..... disgusting crap indicates the depth of your personal moral decay. Does it sound harsh or accusatory? It's meant to.

I'm certain a mod will edit or delete what I'm going to write but I'll do it anyhow- any time you want to find out what helpless children experience anon, just let me know. Dont give me any bullshit about you not personally doing it, you're still a participant by observing it. I'll quite happily let you experience the fear, pain, and blood you described. If you want tears, you got them. If you want humiliation, I'll give it to you for free. It won't be via sexual degradation, it will strictly be a grown man throwing you around and exerting control on you that you're unable to get away from.

You're one sick fresia!

If I'm banned and this pathetic thread remains I bid my friends adieu. I've enjoyed your company, your thoughts, and your hopes.

Hear, Hear.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

What is wrong with the moderators on this site?

You allow this kind of disgusting honeysuckle on ALL yet you're incredibly willing to shut down (or make threats to shut down) other topics that are disturbing but far less then this?

Several times I've seen ALL mods posting that they will either close down a thread OR ban an individual who indicates any animosity or calling down of other posters- I'm calling your bluff. Anon is playing you, playing everyone here on ALL. I'm responding and telling you that allowing this p.o.s. to post this..... disgusting crap indicates the depth of your personal moral decay. Does it sound harsh or accusatory? It's meant to.

I'm certain a mod will edit or delete what I'm going to write but I'll do it anyhow- any time you want to find out what helpless children experience anon, just let me know. Dont give me any bullshit about you not personally doing it, you're still a participant by observing it. I'll quite happily let you experience the fear, pain, and blood you described. If you want tears, you got them. If you want humiliation, I'll give it to you for free. It won't be via sexual degradation, it will strictly be a grown man throwing you around and exerting control on you that you're unable to get away from.

You're one sick fresia!

If I'm banned and this pathetic thread remains I bid my friends adieu. I've enjoyed your company, your thoughts, and your hopes.

Personally I avoid this thread completely (and I've stated this to the other mods briefly) because I find the subject matter repulsive enough that I don't feel my judgement is fair and unbiased when it comes down to moderating it.

Reading anon's last post: yes, I find it pretty horrifying to be honest. It upsets me deeply. And yes, you're technically spot on with your observations: he clearly is sick. He even practically admits as much.

If I were to meet someone who abused children like that in real life, I would likely also have a very violent reaction towards them. It's disgusting.

However, at least he realises and admits it's a problem. At least he's trying his hardest to fight through that problem and resist those awful, twisted desires.

Now that I've read that recent post (but not the OP, I will admit), I would recommend that Anon seek chemical sterilisation for these problems. I'm not knowledgeable of it, but as far as I know it would at least render you a lot less dangerous to children.

BC, this is a very disturbing topic, and as I've noted above, I barely read it because it angers and repels me. However, it is at heart a discussion concerning someone's personal demons (and the hugely disturbing moral issues they raise), and so that is my guess at why a free dialogue is being maintained.

If you find the moderation is lacking here, take it up with myself, Sci-Fi and Minus via PM and we'll talk it over. However, hurling insults in threads and taking public issue with how things are managed is not a sensible or reasonable thing to do. Thank you.

EDIT- That goes for you too Poguesy. If you have an issue with forum moderation, contact us.

 

[LoneKiller]

What is wrong with the moderators on this site?

You allow this kind of disgusting honeysuckle on ALL yet you're incredibly willing to shut down (or make threats to shut down) other topics that are disturbing but far less then this?

Several times I've seen ALL mods posting that they will either close down a thread OR ban an individual who indicates any animosity or calling down of other posters- I'm calling your bluff. Anon is playing you, playing everyone here on ALL. I'm responding and telling you that allowing this p.o.s. to post this..... disgusting crap indicates the depth of your personal moral decay. Does it sound harsh or accusatory? It's meant to.

I'm certain a mod will edit or delete what I'm going to write but I'll do it anyhow- any time you want to find out what helpless children experience anon, just let me know. Dont give me any bullshit about you not personally doing it, you're still a participant by observing it. I'll quite happily let you experience the fear, pain, and blood you described. If you want tears, you got them. If you want humiliation, I'll give it to you for free. It won't be via sexual degradation, it will strictly be a grown man throwing you around and exerting control on you that you're unable to get away from.

You're one sick fresia!

If I'm banned and this pathetic thread remains I bid my friends adieu. I've enjoyed your company, your thoughts, and your hopes.

Personally I avoid this thread completely (and I've stated this to the other mods briefly) because I find the subject matter repulsive enough that I don't feel my judgement is fair and unbiased when it comes down to moderating it.

Reading anon's last post: yes, I find it pretty horrifying to be honest. It upsets me deeply. And yes, you're technically spot on with your observations: he clearly is sick. He even practically admits as much.

If I were to meet someone who abused children like that in real life, I would likely also have a very violent reaction towards them. It's disgusting.

However, at least he realises and admits it's a problem. At least he's trying his hardest to fight through that problem and resist those awful, twisted desires.

Now that I've read that recent post (but not the OP, I will admit), I would recommend that Anon seek chemical sterilisation for these problems. I'm not knowledgeable of it, but as far as I know it would at least render you a lot less dangerous to children.

BC, this is a very disturbing topic, and as I've noted above, I barely read it because it angers and repels me. However, it is at heart a discussion concerning someone's personal demons (and the hugely disturbing moral issues they raise), and so that is my guess at why a free dialogue is being maintained.

If you find the moderation is lacking here, take it up with myself, Sci-Fi and Minus via PM and we'll talk it over. However, hurling insults in threads and taking public issue with how things are managed is not a sensible or reasonable thing to do. Thank you.

EDIT- That goes for you too Poguesy. If you have an issue with forum moderation, contact us.

And Doubt calling BC a "Dick" isn't hurling insults?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Everyone should know by now hurling insults are not allowed. Personally I feel the responses were made in the heat of the subject matter, and given more time people may have chosen their words in a different manor. Though probably in the same context.

This topic has become very intense for a lot of people. Some for personal reasons, some for moral reasons. We have to commend most of the members who posted in this thread and aimed to help the OP with his situation and offer support. It takes a lot to look past the initial recoil a topic like this would bring, and can be extremely difficult to do.

With the recent revelations that have been posted we find it in the best of the community to close the topic. If anyone wants to continue on with their support and help for Anon you are encouraged to use the PM system. We certainly don't want to turn away people who are looking for help, but at the same time this topic has elevated beyond what some members may be capable of dealing with.

Thank you.