Personal Questions

[Ruthie]

First, this is not directed toward anyone on the forum at all.

Have you ever felt pressured when someone begins asking you personal questions that you don't wish to answer?

I wish I could be clear about my boundaries with others without sending them a negative, rude or unfriendly vibe.
I've been hurt so badly, traumatised even, and I fear most people.

They have no way of knowing that I feel fright when they begin asking me personal things in probably an innocent and friendly way, and it's unfair to think they could. They can't possibly know how fragile I am and I don't want to tell them. They may want nothing to do with me then and I'll still be lonely, and feel even worse.

They can't help it that I've been hurt (I'm not talking about romantically), and they have no way of knowing my needs in that area.

What can I do? How can I even hope to have friends if I feel uncomfortable with personal questions?

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or felt similar to this? And did you ever come to terms with how best to handle it?

Thank you for reading.

 

[Ymir]

I have. I have quite some ugly scars on my thighs and I looove to wear short shorts and by the time I started cutting I had over ten pair of shorts, so I wasn't going to stop using them just because of my scars. But that, as one would imagine, incited some questions, such as: "How come you did that to yourself? Didn't that hurt?" Despite letting my scars show because I am not throwing away half of my wardrobe, I don't like to talk about it. And sure as hell am not going to explain why I used to cut to strangers.

Basically, all you have to do is say "I don't want to talk about it. Let's talk about something else." I don't think the other person will assume you don't want to talk to them at all if you are interested and participative while talking about that something else you just spoke of. At least in my experience, after a while I do tend to come clean to people and explain things, albeit vaguely.

Also this a good way to know if the other person you are talking to is respectful. I'm sure you wouldn't want to have a close relationship with someone who won't respect your boundaries.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with Ymir that saying you would prefer not to talk about a subject and to move on to another topic is a good idea. If someone still persists after your saying this, you would be under no obligation to answer them.

 

[user 115627]

I've offended some people online by denying answers to relatively simple questions...and being confusingly open about some private matters on the contrary. I can't seem to draw a clear line. I guess I'm just damaged goods - and I couldn't even tell anyone why. I don't really have a traumatic past. And so I have trouble giving valid reasons for my seemlingly arbitrary guardedness...

Nevertheless, when I get into a 'situation' I try to explain my sentiment to others and hope for patience and understanding....what else is there to do?

 

[VanillaCreme]

I have. I have quite some ugly scars on my thighs and I looove to wear short shorts and by the time I started cutting I had over ten pair of shorts, so I wasn't going to stop using them just because of my scars. But that, as one would imagine, incited some questions, such as: "How come you did that to yourself? Didn't that hurt?" Despite letting my scars show because I am not throwing away half of my wardrobe, I don't like to talk about it. And sure as hell am not going to explain why I used to cut to strangers.

Basically, all you have to do is say "I don't want to talk about it. Let's talk about something else." I don't think the other person will assume you don't want to talk to them at all if you are interested and participative while talking about that something else you just spoke of. At least in my experience, after a while I do tend to come clean to people and explain things, albeit vaguely.

Also this a good way to know if the other person you are talking to is respectful. I'm sure you wouldn't want to have a close relationship with someone who won't respect your boundaries.

Boundaries is huge thing. Being close with someone is almost tricky though, because the relationship either has defined boundaries that aren't even spoken of - they're just known; Or they have none. I have people that I'm close friends with both of these. Perhaps I'm not one to really lean on boundaries as far talking about anything, and really because I don't really ever talk to anyone on a daily basis about anything deep enough.

But if it were too personal, and too deep, I'd just simply say that I didn't feel like talking about it. Most of the time, people understand that, and they'll gladly move on.

And, Ymir, have you tried cocoa butter? That is if you wanted to fade the scars a bit. I have a scar on my ankle from an injury that involved a metal bed rail, and it was such a deep gash, it left this awful scar. But with persistent use of cocoa butter, it's faded a great deal.

 

[TheRealCallie]

People can ask anything they want, but you are not obligated to answer them. If you don't want to answer, you could say you don't want to talk about it, like Ymir said or you could skip that and just change the subject without even acknowledging what they asked you. You could also take the route of telling some outrageous lie that no one would ever believe and then change the subject. lol

Never feel pressured into revealing something you don't want to reveal. It is better to come off as a little rude to someone than to make yourself uncomfortable by talking about something you don't want to.

 

[Case]

A few things: First, I'm usually very open about myself to the point where I probably would not mind answering almost any question asked by someone I liked. Second, if I innocently asked someone about something that I later found to be a very sensitive subject for that person, I would feel apologetic that I inadvertently forced a person to verbally avoid a topic. Finally, the only way I have ever been able to overcome not wanting to talk about something is to talk about it with people I trust. The more I have been able to do that, the more likely I can treat the arseholes who might laugh or disrespect me with a dismissive wave.

 

[DeadSun]

What kind of personal questions are you uncomfortable with answering? Are people asking these questions online or face to face in real life? And what's your relationship with these people?(acquaintance, friend, potential love interest, coworker, etcetera.)

Knowing what kind of questions you're uncomfortable with and what context they're generally asked in would help. (for advice on being clear about your boundaries without being rude.)

 

[Ruthie]

Thank you so much everyone for your wonderful thoughts, replies and advice.
All your kind words have been very helpful and are much appreciated. <3

 

[ladyforsaken]

^What most of the others have said, Ruthie. You know, if these people care and understand and respect you, they would understand if you tell them you don't feel like talking about it or don't feel comfortable discussing those things. There is nothing wrong with that. If they find fault with you because of that, you know then and there that they are not worth your time to pursue as friends because they won't even consider your needs and privacy.

 

[johnny196775]

I think i get too personal and try too hard with some people. And i think it turns them off.

 

[sk66rc]

Here's a phrase that works for me rather well... "That's a rather personal question that I don't feel comfortable answering so please don't ask me again..."

 

[Delta]

Yeah I hate some questions that for most people would be innocent but for me to answer honestly would be just too much information for most people to handle.

I have learned though that not answering them is better in most instances, trust and closeness takes time. I give generic answers about things, I am very quiet if someone asks me why, there is no reason to go into my history with them, they are just trying to make conversation more than really wanting to know the answer anyway, it sounds cynical of me but it doesn't come from a place of cynicism it is just how it is, people ask each other how they are all the time, they all answer "Great" unless they are really good friends and can confide in each other.

Just be generic in order to not blow them off and appear rude, don't give too much of yourself and if a connection happens later on than you can always open up then, chances are there were plenty of things they didn't tell you as well!

 

[Triple Bogey]

women at work are forever asking me questions.
I answer them in an honest way. I never lie or make things better than they are.

 

[ardour]

I hardly ever get them. One part-timer a few years back asked if I had a girlfriend. I replied I was between girlfriends (ha...get it...cause it's so.. implausible...see) She smiled. Of course I later messed up any friendship and she left hating me... I don't mind personal questions, to be honest I'm flattered by the interest. But then I don't have much of a personal life so it can't get intrusive.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I hardly ever get them. One part-timer a few years back asked if I had a girlfriend. I replied I was between girlfriends (ha...get it...cause it's so.. implausible...see) She smiled. Of course I later messed up any friendship and she left hating me... I don't mind personal questions, to be honest I'm flattered by the interest. But then I don't have much of a personal life so it can't get intrusive.

this young lass is always asking me stuff.
Last week she said I should join 'match.com'
and then she suggested I got a Thai bride half my age.

 

[Pike Creek]

I usually just avoid the subject and say something else to change it. But I'm the same way with my entire life, I'm a very private person and I don't necessarily get to know people. I've found that no matter how gentle you are to let them know you need your privacy or don't want to discuss personal matters, people take it the wrong way anyway. I've been called the "village snob" in the last place I lived because I only said hello to neighbours and never accepted their dinner invitations...EVEN THOUGH I mentioned I was going through an illness and didn't have much energy for socializing...I think it's a lost cause so I just try not to get close to anyone. If it's a coworker or someone you have no choice to deal with; and you avoid their questions, and they still don't take the hint, then you have to let them know you prefer to keep your personal life private, if they take it the wrong way, nothing you can do about it.

 

[Badjedidude]

Nah, I'm pretty open about everything when I'm asked personal questions.

For me, the problem is that nobody asks.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Nah, I'm pretty open about everything when I'm asked personal questions.

For me, the problem is that nobody asks.

How do you feel about latex, chocolate sauce and satin sheets?

 

[user 108508]

It only annoys me when the creepers do the asking. Otherwise, I'm cool with it.