Quest for confidence

[Spare]

I look at my father, and I wonder what the hell went wrong with me. Why didn't I inherit his strength? Why was I unable to learn from the example he set with his confidence and dedication? How did my apple fall so far from the tree?

My life is governed by my fears, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being afraid of trying new things, afraid of putting myself out there, of coming out of my shell. I'm tired of being afraid of making a fool of myself once in a while. I find my lack of confidence and self-esteem appalling, and I hate myself a little more each day for it.

It didn't used to be this way. When I was a kid I couldn't have cared less about making a fool of myself. I hadn't yet built a shell in which to hide, and trying new things wasn't a concern for me at all. It was just me and my imagination, and everyone and everything else could've gone and pounded sand for all I cared.

I don't know what changed for me. I don't know where or when I deviated from the path upon which I started out, but I can't go on like this. Something has to give. Somehow I have to right the ship before it's too late. I cannot be stuck this way for the rest of my life.

I've spent a LOT of time thinking about it, and I have decided the best way for me to pull out of this downward spiral is to try and grow some confidence. This lack of confidence, of course, is at the root of my cowardice and self-esteem woes. But how does one go about growing confidence? Can it actually be done? Has anyone here overcome self-confidence issues? If so, how the hell did you do it?

I have tried to do this on my own, and have thus far failed miserably, so now I'm seeking some help. I've only been a member here for a couple of months, but in that short time I have found the people in the ALL community to be very caring and helpful, and above all encouraging, and I can think of no better place to begin my quest for confidence than right here.

Thanks for reading, and allowing me to vent a little. Any advice would be MUCH appreciated.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Hey, Spare.

((hugs))

Some people, like your father apparently, seem to be born with plenty of confidence. All of us aren't that fortunate - we have to gain it over time. What works for one, might not work for another. The internet can provide some wonderful resources, including forums like this one.
You're such a wonderful person...I hope you find what you need to gain that confidence.

 

[Brian]

I found social confidence when I had none, Spare, by pursuing what I wanted to do and finding success. The volunteer fire department helped in ways I can't even really verbalize; by training with the members and getting to know them, I developed the ability to socialize normally that I never had before, and they helped me build that confidence.

I still don't really seem to have the confidence to pursue anyone of the opposite sex, though. And if I'm placed in a group of people I'm not familiar with, I'm definitely still a bit withdrawn until I get to know them.

 

[scotsgirl]

Spare, don't know if it's any help but often I brass neck it, act like it's no problem. Then I get people say" how could you do that I couldn't".I'm not confident, but sometimes it pays off.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Five things to boost your confidence...

#1. Hit on Eve
#2. Give Brian the beat down
#3. ***** slapp Zak
#4. ***** slapp Hijacc without feeling guilty
#5. Tell Unacc to fresia off in an intelligent manner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We all have fears everyone of us.

Courge is not without fears..the more you face your fears the more confidence and self esteem you'll get.

Confidence is just like a muscle that you use or needs to get excersize.

Try facing some of your fears...
write about them...bring them into your awearness , experince them and process them.

If you're a musician like I am...I'm more right brain. I'm also left handed. In other words I'm more emotional.
Feelings of fears can be overwhelming sometimes.

everyonce in a while...put yourself into the line of fire...
Such as introducing yourself to a stranger, asking a girl out or face some of your fears.

Even if you get rejected...that's not the piont...The piont is that you faced your fears.

For me...A golden rule..
I love myself no matter what.
I don't beat up on myself no matter what.

 

[Zak]

#1. Reminding myself was it was all "fath"
#2. Reading Crow's posts so that I will know my Epic typos are nothing considered his
#3. Make a Psycho ***** slap Rocket
#4. Asking myself again "was it fath?"
#5. Believing in "fath".

 

[Lonesome Crow]

#1. Reminding myself was it was all "fath"
#2. Reading Crow's posts so that I will know my Epic typos are nothing considered his
#3. Make a Psycho ***** slap Rocket
#4. Asking myself again "was it fath?"
#5. Believing in "fath".

Zak don't be afriad when do porn with nastay...
I'll stapp you in the ass too so you won't feel left out. Have fath

 

[Zak]

#1. Reminding myself was it was all "fath"
#2. Reading Crow's posts so that I will know my Epic typos are nothing considered his
#3. Make a Psycho ***** slap Rocket
#4. Asking myself again "was it fath?"
#5. Believing in "fath".

Zak don't be afriad when do porn with nastay...
I'll stapp you in the ass too so you won't feel left out. Have fath

I will enjoy the time with her. It's gonna be fun coz I have fath in me and my ass is reserved for her slaps lol.

 

[Oceanmist23]

#1. Reminding myself was it was all "fath"
#2. Reading Crow's posts so that I will know my Epic typos are nothing considered his
#3. Make a Psycho ***** slap Rocket
#4. Asking myself again "was it fath?"
#5. Believing in "fath".

Zak don't be afriad when do porn with nastay...
I'll stapp you in the ass too so you won't feel left out. Have fath

Awww you're so cute when you call me Nastay lol

Fath FTW!

 

[Spare]

Thanks for all the advice everyone, and please, keep it coming! I like what Brian said about finding confidence through career success, so that, along with a renewed dedication to the gym, is where I'm going to start.

Or maybe I should just find myself a five dollar psychiatrist. Wait, here's one:



Seems to make sense!

Oh, hi Hijacc. *slap!* Sorry. Lonesome told me to. Nothing personal.

 

[Brian]

I'd also like to give some credit to what scotsgirl called 'brass necking it'. There was one time I just somehow forced myself through sheer willpower to go ask a girl for her number in front of my gruff boss (who was a logger) and two co-workers. I thought I was going to die but if you can make yourself get up and just start walking, and CONCENTRATE on the walking, you kinda get yourself in the mindset that you -have- to do it. And I kinda came close to going out with her once.

My coworkers, who usually didn't think much of me, thought I was a man among men for the rest of the day. In reality I haven't gotten that big of an adrenaline rush in forever...and not the good kind of adrenaline, like riding a fun theme park ride. The bad kind, like 'Well, honeysuckle, I'm in a cave for some reason and it's all collapsing and there's no escape' adrenaline.

So in situations like that, yeah, that can work pretty good.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Brian..brian...brian.

you know it's that same fear..i mean adrenaline rush why some girls like it the bad boys.
It makes them feel alive.

I can't imagine you being a fire fighter....which means you might get expose to blood, guts, gore,
the smell of buring human flesh and be afraid of women.

I mean honeysuckle man...I use to shake in my boots when inspecting a high pressure steam valve
thinking if it lifts...it'll cut my ass in half. And that's with me hanging god **** 10 stories up on a harness.
How did i get over that? I shifted my focus to the task at hand.

I get the same feeling when I inspect a hottie up close and personal
Shear terror running through my vains...my..my she makes me feel alive.
I shift my focus to now good it would feel if she kiss me.

notice the difference when you're a rolloer coarter ride or doing some your fire drills.. (your breathing)
You're screaming..letting it all out...becuase you think no one can hear you , watching you nor cared if
you scream..

You focus on the task at hand especailly in your job..you get the honeysuckle done without worryin about what other
people think...

Geezz man...Why don't you apply the same priciple with girls as you deal with me ?

When you approch women or whatever fears thats holding you back...do you hold your breath ?

LET GO..breath...pretend like no one is watching you. As in i don't give a fresia attitude...ya know what I'm say ?
I mean...a CAREFREE attitude...if that'll help you process the feeling different.
It's the way you process your fears...

If I simply replace the word fear with adrenaline..
Adrenaline to me..when I process it...I ma jumping for joy, have a zest for life or the feeling of be alive.

Why do you think I go balls to the walls on my ninja ?
Shear terror running through my vains..if i eat honeysuckle. I get an adrenaline rush from it.

 

[Brian]

Sometimes I have been able to adopt the 'carefree' attitude you talk about. And those are the few times I've been able to approach women. The results have been varied, and ultimately resulted in a reaffirmation of my own feelings of social inadequacy around the opposite sex. I can be as 'carefree' as I want; the fact still stands that I lack experience and hence I'm kinda awkward, and girls pick up on that.

It gets worse with time, and so it's a compounding effect.

I think there's more variables with women than there are with fire. No matter the other circumstances, water -possibly with some added ingredients- puts fire out. That will never change; it's just a matter of 'how much' and 'how long'. The rest is fortitude, work ethic, and knowing how to deal with whatever bothers you (re: talking about it).

Why do you think I go balls to the walls on my ninja ?

If I didn't have a vague idea that 'ninja' refers to a motorcycle, that would have sounded really weird. For one, you can't catch ninjas; and two, they sure wouldn't let you molest them.

 

[Spare]

I lack experience and hence I'm kinda awkward, and girls pick up on that.

Yep.

 

[Spare]

Spare, don't know if it's any help but often I brass neck it, act like it's no problem. Then I get people say" how could you do that I couldn't".I'm not confident, but sometimes it pays off.

I did this for years at work. It got to the point where at work, I actually became confident. It was like I was a completely different person. I could talk to anybody with confidence and wit, even women. Not just the married ones; the single ones, too.

This was only the case at work. Once I was clocked out and in the real world... *shudder*

My brain is all thumbs.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

ACT
BE
DO

Problems are in our minds. Fears live in our minds...

confidence is in our hearts.


Only 10% of our thinking is useful for us in any given day...90% of our thinking are piontless fears, daydream..etc

10% thinking and 90% actions...not the other way around of 90% thinking and 10% actions.

confidence with women is simple and easy...they're humans too. Don't put them on a pedistal.
They have fears, worried and all kinds of crazy honeysuckle going in their heads too.
Respect them as humans..Respect yourself.

If you treat her like a NUNE..you'll get NONE..lmao
Just treat her like another human being that dosn't all the answers and can't figure half of this living honeysuckle out either.lol

Yes..men's primal instink is visual...her visual beauty triggers all kinds of chemicles in a man's brain.
Go to your heart...or simply let go of your thinking of fears.

Women are emotional and more sensitive...in other word..if you touch her..she's done..lmao
She'll get all kinds of chemicles pumping through her vains if you touch her.

BTW..some women are like syders...they kill thier mates after sex

 

[Brian]

BTW..some women are like syders...they kill thier mates after sex

NOT HELPING THE FEAR THING

 

[Melanie]

When all else fails, FAKE IT!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Lmao..Brian.

You have it..but you havn't ALLOWED yourself to experince those positive outcomes.

You said you expericned success before with women..Focus on that.

As melian said..FAke it until you make it..(in other words..you're BEING, DOING, ACT)..even if your mind
say you can't. Sometimes our minds are retarded (slow)..lmao
Sometimes you have to take the body first then the mind will follow..

"Turning it over or give it to GOD and do whats in front of me...one foot in front of the other."
This statement simply implies...taking actions and letting go of the outcome.
It implies..detachments..This gets you into a carefree spirit no longer living in fears.
In other word..If I attach myself to a good outcome...I'm still limiting myself becuase it gets better and better also.
More than what my mind can ever imagine.

Lowering my expectations...implies the samething. It's just different ways of saying the samething. (detachment)
Our expectations are still in our minds...

Well...it's like this with my Ninja..I do malest it...lmao
I laid my body to the motocycle, and caress it. I lean with the bike and hold on tight
When I shift her into 5th gear..I can't hear or remember a **** thing my gf was bitching about.
When i get home...I'm a different man. I get on my knees and kiss the fucken ground..I'm alive..I'm alive.
I'm grateful to be alive...I'm grateful I'm still walking..lol I'm grateful I have a GF that's bitching at me..lmao
Then I'll just hold her tight and caress her like I do the bike...I lean and roll with her in bed and shift her gears

 

[Spare]

When all else fails, FAKE IT!

Hmmm...