Questions for the Men

[Astral_Punisher]

Here's a good one FOR THE MEN: Let's say that you told a woman that you are friends with for about 6 months, that your feelings are deeper than just friendship, and you love her and want to take the relationship to the next level.

Her answer is that she doesn't feel the same way about you, and she hopes you can remain just friends. Would you be able to handle being JUST FRIENDS with her, and what would you say to her?

I think it's difficult for men to have female friends, period. It's pre-programmed that we have this primal urge to mate with pretty much anything that looks fertile. And if our friend Patty is cute, and happens to be wearing something attractive (or reveling), you can bet the thought will rear up and take over some portion of our minds (and bodies).

If I was the man in your scenario, I would probably have to cut her out of my life, and dedicate and focus on something else that was positive to get my mind off it. The classic "Work Hard to forget the pain" kind of thing. Every time I thought of her, I would be thinking about being with her, physically and mentally, as a mate, not as a friend. Plus, her very existence would remind me how I wasn't good enough for her, or didn't meet whatever standards she had.
It's a pretty deep and emotional blow for a guy.

I completely understand that the rejection has nothing to do with the woman wanting to hurt me in any way, and she probably feels terrible about rejecting me, but that doesn't really help me feel better about it. This woman I have known for six months, and gotten to know me back, has surveyed me as a person, in detail, and found that I am not fit to be with her as a mate.

This type of rejection is probably one of the worst feelings any man ever has the displeasure of feeling.

Would you be able to handle being JUST FRIENDS with her, and what would you say to her?
I would not be able to handle a woman rejecting me that like. I would tell her that I am sorry that we both wasted our time. Then I would say "Goodbye".

 

[Lost Drifter]

I think it's difficult for men to have female friends, period. It's pre-programmed that we have this primal urge to mate with pretty much anything that looks fertile.

I have to disagree with this one, perhaps as a teenager with raging hormones I would indeed feel physically attracted to any female that showed me attention but as a man I can honestly say that I’m far calmer about female friends and don’t feel the need to chase anything with a vagina. A lot of my work colleagues are young, attractive and I guess 'fertile' women but even when they’re suggesting relationships I’d much rather have them as friends. I really have no problem with platonic friendships.

However if I did want to take things further and she turned me away I’d keep a polite distance to cool off and reassess things; is the friendship worth continuing? Are those qualities that brought us together as friends in the first place still relevant without the physical intimacy? Most of the time, in my opinion, I want more friends than lovers so would go back to the friendship after a little break.

 

[Sci-Fi]

That's an interesting question Wishing Well. I've had friends who developed feelings for me. Myself, I try to keep from developing feelings for friends beyond friendship. For some reason I have always valued friendships over everything else. Anyone I've developed crushes or feelings for haven't been friends in the sense of the word. So I've never been put in that position but I can imagine it wouldn't be easy to be in love with someone who doesn't share those same feelings back. I think it all depends on the person. I had one friend who couldn't take no for an answer and it ruined our friendship for several years. I had another who did accept it and we remained friends afterwards, she was able to move on even though she kept those feelings. The other one couldn't and even though she won't admit it still hasn't.

To me if you value your friendship enough you should be able to put those feelings aside to keep it. If not then you really never had a friendship to begin with, it was rooted in those romantic feelings from the start.

 

[Stars]

Seems like all the guys my age are just looking for sex.
It's horribly tiring.
Where the hell are the good ones?
I'm always working and even when I go out to social events like Meetup or the bar blahblahblah, the only people interested in me are men usually freshly divorced and more than twice my age. It screams out mid-life crisis and it doesn't appeal to me. And it's hardly like they want a relationship as well...they just want sex. Seems like that's all I'm good for in the eyes of men...and even that, I'm not that great since I haven't had many partners.../end bitter rant

---

Like, I'm not crying over it or anything but I find it VERY insulting to just be seen as only good for *******...I am so much more than that but even whatever guys I meet around my age - they aren't interested me (unless it's just *******). I'm not horribly lonely but I just want to feel that "spark" and interest in someone and have that returned...I dunno, I feel old and tired.

---

Like, I'm not crying over it or anything but I find it VERY insulting to just be seen as only good for *******...I am so much more than that but even whatever guys I meet around my age - they aren't interested me (unless it's just *******). I'm not horribly lonely but I just want to feel that "spark" and interest in someone and have that returned...I dunno, I feel old and tired.

 

[Lost Drifter]

Hang in there Stars, you could just be going through a bad phase right now but everything gets better in time. My only concern would be going to bars to find a potential suitor, drunken hook-ups don’t usually make for good relationships and the influx of music and alcohol aren’t the best for getting to know someone on a deeper level. There are plenty of good guys out there, you’ll just rarely find us at bars.

 

[putter65]

Seems like all the guys my age are just looking for sex.
It's horribly tiring.
Where the hell are the good ones?
I'm always working and even when I go out to social events like Meetup or the bar blahblahblah, the only people interested in me are men usually freshly divorced and more than twice my age. It screams out mid-life crisis and it doesn't appeal to me. And it's hardly like they want a relationship as well...they just want sex. Seems like that's all I'm good for in the eyes of men...and even that, I'm not that great since I haven't had many partners.../end bitter rant

---

Like, I'm not crying over it or anything but I find it VERY insulting to just be seen as only good for *******...I am so much more than that but even whatever guys I meet around my age - they aren't interested me (unless it's just *******). I'm not horribly lonely but I just want to feel that "spark" and interest in someone and have that returned...I dunno, I feel old and tired.

---

Like, I'm not crying over it or anything but I find it VERY insulting to just be seen as only good for *******...I am so much more than that but even whatever guys I meet around my age - they aren't interested me (unless it's just *******). I'm not horribly lonely but I just want to feel that "spark" and interest in someone and have that returned...I dunno, I feel old and tired.

---

---

I'm a good one ! I am here !

 

[Awkwyrd]

Here's a good one FOR THE MEN: Let's say that you told a woman that you are friends with for about 6 months, that your feelings are deeper than just friendship, and you love her and want to take the relationship to the next level.

Her answer is that she doesn't feel the same way about you, and she hopes you can remain just friends. Would you be able to handle being JUST FRIENDS with her, and what would you say to her?

Wow, almost this exact thing happened to me a few years ago at my last workplace. I started going out with a woman who was a bit younger than me and thought that she and I both felt it was progressing into a more romantic relationship. Turned out that she wanted to just be friends (and maybe use me to get free rides around town.)

Anyway, I did almost exactly what Astral Punisher said he would do. I broke it off, tried my best to put distance between her and me... though that was difficult at the time since we worked together, and eventually just left the job altogether feeling hurt but ready to move on.

So, long story short... a few months ago I ran into a guy who used to work with us both but did not know the whole story about our dating. He told me that the woman fell head over heels for some other guy who would not give her the time of day. One day she called and left a message for him telling him that she was taking all of her antidepressant pills in hopes he would come to the rescue. He didn't and she died of an overdose.

Part of me is glad that I did not end up with her if she was really that bad... but another part of me feels like crap for breaking off the friendship altogether. What if she had felt free to call me instead? Maybe I would have sought help for her and she would still be here.

I dunno, really. I do know that it left me with a lot of questions and feeling as if dating anyone is probably not the best idea for me right now.

 

[WishingWell]

Here's a good one FOR THE MEN: Let's say that you told a woman that you are friends with for about 6 months, that your feelings are deeper than just friendship, and you love her and want to take the relationship to the next level.

Her answer is that she doesn't feel the same way about you, and she hopes you can remain just friends. Would you be able to handle being JUST FRIENDS with her, and what would you say to her?

Wow, almost this exact thing happened to me a few years ago at my last workplace. I started going out with a woman who was a bit younger than me and thought that she and I both felt it was progressing into a more romantic relationship. Turned out that she wanted to just be friends (and maybe use me to get free rides around town.)

Anyway, I did almost exactly what Astral Punisher said he would do. I broke it off, tried my best to put distance between her and me... though that was difficult at the time since we worked together, and eventually just left the job altogether feeling hurt but ready to move on.

So, long story short... a few months ago I ran into a guy who used to work with us both but did not know the whole story about our dating. He told me that the woman fell head over heels for some other guy who would not give her the time of day. One day she called and left a message for him telling him that she was taking all of her antidepressant pills in hopes he would come to the rescue. He didn't and she died of an overdose.

Part of me is glad that I did not end up with her if she was really that bad... but another part of me feels like crap for breaking off the friendship altogether. What if she had felt free to call me instead? Maybe I would have sought help for her and she would still be here.

I dunno, really. I do know that it left me with a lot of questions and feeling as if dating anyone is probably not the best idea for me right now.

Awkwyrd,

If I understand what you are saying correctly, this is my opinion:

The woman ending her life was not the guy's fault that didn't come to her rescue, and IT DEFINITELY HAS NO BEARING AT ALL ON YOU! You did what was best for you regarding her at the time you chose to get away from her. Wondering at this stage of the game if you had stayed friends with her, if you could have saved her life, is only allowing yourself to take the blame for something that is NO ONE'S FAULT AT ALL. She called that guy and told him she was going to end her life, then made her attempt to kill herself, and he didn't go to her. Unfortunately she was successful. If whatever she did, which obviously was severe, overdose possibly (?), did get him to run to her, he may have been too late anyway. PLEASE DON'T PUT YOURSELF ON AN UNNECESSARY GUILT TRIP!

If you are wondering if it is a good idea for you to date or not date someone now, that should definitely not have anything to do with what happened with her. Remember, all women are different, and she obviously had more problems than that guy not wanting anything to do with her, if she went ahead and decided attempting suicide was a good way to get his attention.

I hope what I said makes some kind of sense to you. Good luck if/when you do pursue a relationship!

 

[Awkwyrd]

Awkwyrd,

PLEASE DON'T PUT YOURSELF ON AN UNNECESSARY GUILT TRIP!
--
If you are wondering if it is a good idea for you to date or not date someone now, that should definitely not have anything to do with what happened with her.
--
I hope what I said makes some kind of sense to you. Good luck if/when you do pursue a relationship!

I don't think I am on an unnecessary guilt trip. I just have some questions and doubts about the way I handled ending the relationship with her. Every action we take has some impact on others, even if it was only a minor one. In the end, I'll never know if things between us played some part in her later actions or not as she is no longer here to give her side of things.
--
When I said that I feel like dating is not an option for me now, I meant because of things that happened between us prior to the breakup and not having to do with her suicide. There are other contributing factors in the decision, but knowing how things played out with her has me questioning my own intentions. Basically, I may have been acting a little desperate and oblivious to the truth. (I must have been since she was definitely not on the same page as me.)
--
Yes, what you said did make sense and I do appreciate it. However, things being what they are with me and where I am personally, I do not foresee pursuing a romantic relationship any time soon. It is no biggie with me really though. I've only ever dated women three times in my life and other than this last one, things were not so bad at the time even if they did not work out in the end.

 

[WishingWell]

Awkwyrd,

PLEASE DON'T PUT YOURSELF ON AN UNNECESSARY GUILT TRIP!
--
If you are wondering if it is a good idea for you to date or not date someone now, that should definitely not have anything to do with what happened with her.
--
I hope what I said makes some kind of sense to you. Good luck if/when you do pursue a relationship!

I don't think I am on an unnecessary guilt trip. I just have some questions and doubts about the way I handled ending the relationship with her. Every action we take has some impact on others, even if it was only a minor one. In the end, I'll never know if things between us played some part in her later actions or not as she is no longer here to give her side of things.
--
When I said that I feel like dating is not an option for me now, I meant because of things that happened between us prior to the breakup and not having to do with her suicide. There are other contributing factors in the decision, but knowing how things played out with her has me questioning my own intentions. Basically, I may have been acting a little desperate and oblivious to the truth. (I must have been since she was definitely not on the same page as me.)
--
Yes, what you said did make sense and I do appreciate it. However, things being what they are with me and where I am personally, I do not foresee pursuing a romantic relationship any time soon. It is no biggie with me really though. I've only ever dated women three times in my life and other than this last one, things were not so bad at the time even if they did not work out in the end.

Awkwyrd,

You are right. You will never know if the way things transpired between you and this woman had any impact on her wanting to take her life. Whether it did or it didn't, however, she probably had underlying issues besides the two relationships to cause her to choose such a drastic measure. I knew a man that I remained friends with, but not really close, for years after dating him for about 4 months. His Brother stopped by one day to tell me that he had killed himself and no one had a clue he was even upset or depresssed. It really took a toll on me for quite a while. I am guessing you are feeling badly about the situation with her, and I hope that it doesn't take a very long time for you to come to terms with it.

I understand about you deciding not to date right now. As a matter of fact, I don't want to date anyone right now either for several reasons of my own.

I hope you have a wonderful life, and that only good things come your way!

 

[lonelyfairy]

Can a man be together and loyal for only one woman at time?

 

[kamya]

Millions of men are doing it every day so I'm going to go with yes.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Millions of men are doing it every day so I'm going to go with yes.

I know... :shy: I wanted to ask, because I am from broken divorced family.

 

[Bones]

Yes; and I am type of person if for some reason sex was not an option, I would still be faithful to the person even if a plane crashed, we all survived and stranded for years and I was the only guy with a bunch of good looking women - loyalty is huge with me and I would never betray the trust.

Can a man be together and loyal for only one woman at time?

 

[MissGuided]

- loyalty is huge with me and I would never betray the trust.

Lovely concept, Bones - very rare these days, in my experience. Nice to know there are still a few around.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Yes; and I am type of person if for some reason sex was not an option, I would still be faithful to the person even if a plane crashed, we all survived and stranded for years and I was the only guy with a bunch of good looking women - loyalty is huge with me and I would never betray the trust.

Can a man be together and loyal for only one woman at time?

Like MissGuided said, rare nowadays. :> Trust is very important in relationship.

My father cheated my mother when I was very little, so my father is not the best rolemodel and makes me think that every man is cheater, even that I know it's not true. :/

 

[Antonio]

Men are as much faithful as women. It is sexist when people justify any given situation or action with gender.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Men are as much faithful as women. It is sexist when people justify any given situation or action with gender.

I didn't mean it sexist way... :/

I think I got my answers, thank you all...

 

[Antonio]

It's ok. I didn't got offended. Just had to get that written down.

 

[lonelyfairy]

It's ok. I didn't got offended. Just had to get that written down.

Okey.

Yeah, it doesn't look the gender, but person itself.