Reliance

[JJW]

When people rely on you, if you fail them, who do you let down? Them or yourself?

 

[Sarah G]

Them always. Yourself only if you wanted to do the thing. If you didn't want to do the thing and didn't, good for you

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you said you would do it, both you and them. Doesn't matter if you wanted to or not, if you said you would, it's still on you.

 

[Abstamyous]

I tend to be hard on myself.

 

[JJW]

I tend to be hard on myself.

Me too. For some reason I tend to take responsibility even when I've not agreed to what they have promised me to. What started this thought is me having spent two years remodeling my wife's house. Almost done. But she wants a laminate floor laid down. I've already finished the floors in two bathrooms, the kitchen and the dining room. All that's left is the living room.

So my son mentioned me doing the living room floors. I told him I wasn't going to do it. That left him a little speechless. The thing is I said I'd finish her kitchen and I got roped into the dining room too.

I have a project I've been chasing for five years. It got put off for three because her house of then needed so much work. Well, she bought another house without thought to the work it needed. I guess because I was always there to do it.

If I don't get started on my project it could possibly become pointless, or at least more difficult. So, I don't want to finish the floors. My son can do it for his mum. But there is that thing where I have always been the one to make everything better.

So I need to do my project but part of me is yelling 'just take a week and do the effing floor.' Why do I feel guilty for not doing something they expect me to do?

 

[Abstamyous]

Me too. For some reason I tend to take responsibility even when I've not agreed to what they have promised me to. What started this thought is me having spent two years remodeling my wife's house. Almost done. But she wants a laminate floor laid down. I've already finished the floors in two bathrooms, the kitchen and the dining room. All that's left is the living room.

So my son mentioned me doing the living room floors. I told him I wasn't going to do it. That left him a little speechless. The thing is I said I'd finish her kitchen and I got roped into the dining room too.

I have a project I've been chasing for five years. It got put off for three because her house of then needed so much work. Well, she bought another house without thought to the work it needed. I guess because I was always there to do it.

If I don't get started on my project it could possibly become pointless, or at least more difficult. So, I don't want to finish the floors. My son can do it for his mum. But there is that thing where I have always been the one to make everything better.

So I need to do my project but part of me is yelling 'just take a week and do the effing floor.' Why do I feel guilty for not doing something they expect me to do?

I can certainly empathize with the guilt you feel. When you have always just been the one who makes things right or fix them, it feels very much like just who you are as a person. And when you do anything to go against that, you start to feel like a failure or like you are letting people down.

In your circumstance, I don't believe you are failing them. They are comfortable with leaning on you, but they will be okay if you choose to pursue your own project. You have been very generous with your time, with all of the work you have put into the housing. Take some time for you and your goals.

 

[Sarah G]

Good for you, don't do it. I applaud you. If we keep doing all the things they'll keep relying on us. Get on with your own project.

 

[Slick]

When people rely on you, if you fail them, who do you let down? Them or yourself?

Depends on when you stop..if you have good boundaries set up for yourself...I lived most of my life caring for others to the point on having nothing left for me....when I learned to stop at some point, built boundaries, learned how to take care of me and love myself...it became so much easier...to help but not give all of me....it took a relationship with a raging narcissist , and me not understand anything of what he was all about to stop, walk away and learn more and more about what I had been doing to myself all my life...