Sexual Recognition

[Cucuboth]

Not sure where to put this on ALL. It's about loneliness, yes, and it effects self-esteem and confidence, but it's also about relationships. Maybe it's even a social problem. So I'll put it here anyway ...

Does anyone have a problem with feeling as though your not accepted, or recognised, sexually? I'm not talking about the lack of sexual activity (although that is part of it), but about feeling as though your supposed to have no sexual feeling at all. That any attempt to express your sexuality, no matter which way it might be, is either totally ignored, or you encounter outright anger and hostility. That your even told not to have any sexual thoughts or desires or interest, not so much from any religious reasons, but apparently just because any thought of you being sexual is abhorrent to others in some way.

I have to say that I have felt like this a lot, and encountered it for most of my life. Being told to ignore or forget any ideas of sex, or even romance, and focus on other things. Being told that it shouldn't be important to me, and yet then hearing, and knowing in myself, that it is important to self-esteem. I've been told that I should be happy still being a virgin, because sex is over-rated ... yet those that make that claim will not counter any thought of giving it up themselves. When I try to express any form of sexual desire or interest, I just meet hostility to it, anger, or I'm flatly ignored. I've even been told on occasions that I should find some form of medication that will lower my libido, not because I want to, but because it seemingly makes those who have made the suggestion more comfortable. I must add that I am in no way aggressive or anything. If anything I am quite shy.

Anyway. I don't know if I have made any sense. And in a way, it's not just about six and sexuality, but also about affection, and having a connection with someone that is a bit more than just words and conversation. I'm someone who has never experienced physical affection. No hugs or cuddles. No hand to hold. No kisses. That's part of why I have not, and won't, go to an escort or anything like that. Because you are just paying for a service. A simple, cold, commercial transaction, without affection or emotion.

I just wonder sometimes, wether anyone has found the same sort of thing, or felt the same way.

 

[Cucuboth]

OK ... just me then?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hi Cucuboth. Give it some time for others to post.. it's only been 5 hours since you first posted this thread.

I used to feel the way you did. But then I couldn't resist feeling sexual and that I knew nothing anyone said could get rid of them. It's a normal thing to feel as a human, I suppose.

When I try to express any form of sexual desire or interest, I just meet hostility to it, anger, or I'm flatly ignored. I've even been told on occasions that I should find some form of medication that will lower my libido, not because I want to, but because it seemingly makes those who have made the suggestion more comfortable. I must add that I am in no way aggressive or anything. If anything I am quite shy.

Could it be that you expressed sexual desires and interest in the wrong people? Or in a way they don't quite get it?

Honestly, I don't think you should mess with those medications to decrease your libido. A lot of people want to have that good amount of sexual drive.... I haven't heard much of people who wants to decrease it. Personally, I think it's good. Just need to find the right people... or the right solutions in curbing or indulging in the sexual appetite.

 

[kamya]

I know exactly what you are saying. And I've heard of this kind of experience before.

Are you overweight? Overweight people are pretty much seen as sexless beings in our society. Even by other overweight people. People will be civil, and sometimes even friendly, but no one wants anything more. You are just kind of there. No one wants to acknowledge that hey, you wanna get laid just as much as they do. We're expected to take care of it on our own so we don't bother others with our sexual desires.

If you are not overweight. Well, then it could be worse. =P

 

[BrokenInside]

No, you are not the only one. I am an introvert when it comes to sexuality and i am untouched too. Thats because of the religion i follow.

I've even been told on occasions that I should find some form of medication that will lower my libido

What made people to suggest you this? Was it something you said/did?

 

[Cucuboth]

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if I seemed a little impatient for a reply, but, it seems to happen a lot, no matter what website or forum I write in, I get very, very, few responses. Not just about this subject, but about anything. Can sometimes feel a bit paranoid about it. Another mystery I don't understand ....

Anyway. I don't know who the right people are, to show any sexual expression or desire to. Wait. That sounds a bit wrong. I guess I mean, no matter who I've tried to show or express, or even talk to about anything sexual, I get this reaction that I've just said something utterly disgusting. Even therapists have had that reaction. Some would always change the subject. Pretty much all of the therapists I've been to in my life (over 20 now) have said that while sex and affection is important to self-esteem and confidence, I would have to, essentially, go with out (unless I pay for it .. which is not going to do my self-esteem any good at all). Most people though just dismiss it, or as I said, react as if it is something foul and disgusting. It's always been like that. Even as a teenager, when I was quite skinny. Then in my late teens and early 20's I was quite fit. Not muscular sportsman like fit, but still quite fit. But I still found the same thing. People still reacted the same way to me with any matter about sex. I can't talk to my family about it (not that I would want to anyway), since they are very much of the opinion that I shouldn't 'need' anything sexual anyway.

Some people, and even doctors and therapists, have suggested the meds to lower my libido, I think, either because they think that if I didn't have any sexual desire, then I might not feel so depressed about not having felt any physical affection. I've always told them that that is not going to work because, unless they can erase my memory as well, I'll still know. I think others have suggested it because it would make them feel more comfortable knowing that I didn't have any sexual thoughts or desires. I don't know. There's very, very few people I can talk to ... well, nobody at all really. I'm quite shy, and find even trying to find anyone to talk to online quite difficult.

I just don't know what to do. Paying for it is not going to be good for my self-esteem. As low as it already is, most of that comes from the lack of connection, lack of friends, and lack of having felt any physical affection. And you can't pay for affection. Plus, I believe that sex is more than just the physical act. Maybe that's an old fashioned idea, maybe that's holding me back, I don't know.

Sorry. I'm just frustrated by the whole thing. And fearful actually, that at 37 now, I will end up as the literal 40 year old virgin. And I don't want to be. Some people have assumed that I want to be virgin, but, I don't. Never have wanted to be. And some say I should be proud to be still a virgin. But I'm not. Because I've never really had the chance not to be. Huh. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else ...

It's a part of me, and a part of life, that is this big empty hole that I just can't fill with any hobby or interest. When people have suggested that I just need a new hobby or something, it feels like they are treating me like a 12 year old. I'm 37, and don't know what it's like to hold someone. Or to kiss. Or hug or cuddle. Or even hold hands. It makes me feel like something less than human.

It actually makes me feel like a monster.

 

[duff]

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if I seemed a little impatient for a reply, but, it seems to happen a lot, no matter what website or forum I write in, I get very, very, few responses. Not just about this subject, but about anything. Can sometimes feel a bit paranoid about it. Another mystery I don't understand ....

Anyway. I don't know who the right people are, to show any sexual expression or desire to. Wait. That sounds a bit wrong. I guess I mean, no matter who I've tried to show or express, or even talk to about anything sexual, I get this reaction that I've just said something utterly disgusting. Even therapists have had that reaction. Some would always change the subject. Pretty much all of the therapists I've been to in my life (over 20 now) have said that while sex and affection is important to self-esteem and confidence, I would have to, essentially, go with out (unless I pay for it .. which is not going to do my self-esteem any good at all). Most people though just dismiss it, or as I said, react as if it is something foul and disgusting. It's always been like that. Even as a teenager, when I was quite skinny. Then in my late teens and early 20's I was quite fit. Not muscular sportsman like fit, but still quite fit. But I still found the same thing. People still reacted the same way to me with any matter about sex. I can't talk to my family about it (not that I would want to anyway), since they are very much of the opinion that I shouldn't 'need' anything sexual anyway.

Some people, and even doctors and therapists, have suggested the meds to lower my libido, I think, either because they think that if I didn't have any sexual desire, then I might not feel so depressed about not having felt any physical affection. I've always told them that that is not going to work because, unless they can erase my memory as well, I'll still know. I think others have suggested it because it would make them feel more comfortable knowing that I didn't have any sexual thoughts or desires. I don't know. There's very, very few people I can talk to ... well, nobody at all really. I'm quite shy, and find even trying to find anyone to talk to online quite difficult.

I just don't know what to do. Paying for it is not going to be good for my self-esteem. As low as it already is, most of that comes from the lack of connection, lack of friends, and lack of having felt any physical affection. And you can't pay for affection. Plus, I believe that sex is more than just the physical act. Maybe that's an old fashioned idea, maybe that's holding me back, I don't know.

Sorry. I'm just frustrated by the whole thing. And fearful actually, that at 37 now, I will end up as the literal 40 year old virgin. And I don't want to be. Some people have assumed that I want to be virgin, but, I don't. Never have wanted to be. And some say I should be proud to be still a virgin. But I'm not. Because I've never really had the chance not to be. Huh. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else ...

It's a part of me, and a part of life, that is this big empty hole that I just can't fill with any hobby or interest. When people have suggested that I just need a new hobby or something, it feels like they are treating me like a 12 year old. I'm 37, and don't know what it's like to hold someone. Or to kiss. Or hug or cuddle. Or even hold hands. It makes me feel like something less than human.

It actually makes me feel like a monster.

wait at least a day before you expect any replies, not just a few hours.

I wouldn't talk about your sex life to anybody else. Keep it quiet !

---

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if I seemed a little impatient for a reply, but, it seems to happen a lot, no matter what website or forum I write in, I get very, very, few responses. Not just about this subject, but about anything. Can sometimes feel a bit paranoid about it. Another mystery I don't understand ....

Anyway. I don't know who the right people are, to show any sexual expression or desire to. Wait. That sounds a bit wrong. I guess I mean, no matter who I've tried to show or express, or even talk to about anything sexual, I get this reaction that I've just said something utterly disgusting. Even therapists have had that reaction. Some would always change the subject. Pretty much all of the therapists I've been to in my life (over 20 now) have said that while sex and affection is important to self-esteem and confidence, I would have to, essentially, go with out (unless I pay for it .. which is not going to do my self-esteem any good at all). Most people though just dismiss it, or as I said, react as if it is something foul and disgusting. It's always been like that. Even as a teenager, when I was quite skinny. Then in my late teens and early 20's I was quite fit. Not muscular sportsman like fit, but still quite fit. But I still found the same thing. People still reacted the same way to me with any matter about sex. I can't talk to my family about it (not that I would want to anyway), since they are very much of the opinion that I shouldn't 'need' anything sexual anyway.

Some people, and even doctors and therapists, have suggested the meds to lower my libido, I think, either because they think that if I didn't have any sexual desire, then I might not feel so depressed about not having felt any physical affection. I've always told them that that is not going to work because, unless they can erase my memory as well, I'll still know. I think others have suggested it because it would make them feel more comfortable knowing that I didn't have any sexual thoughts or desires. I don't know. There's very, very few people I can talk to ... well, nobody at all really. I'm quite shy, and find even trying to find anyone to talk to online quite difficult.

I just don't know what to do. Paying for it is not going to be good for my self-esteem. As low as it already is, most of that comes from the lack of connection, lack of friends, and lack of having felt any physical affection. And you can't pay for affection. Plus, I believe that sex is more than just the physical act. Maybe that's an old fashioned idea, maybe that's holding me back, I don't know.

Sorry. I'm just frustrated by the whole thing. And fearful actually, that at 37 now, I will end up as the literal 40 year old virgin. And I don't want to be. Some people have assumed that I want to be virgin, but, I don't. Never have wanted to be. And some say I should be proud to be still a virgin. But I'm not. Because I've never really had the chance not to be. Huh. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else ...

It's a part of me, and a part of life, that is this big empty hole that I just can't fill with any hobby or interest. When people have suggested that I just need a new hobby or something, it feels like they are treating me like a 12 year old. I'm 37, and don't know what it's like to hold someone. Or to kiss. Or hug or cuddle. Or even hold hands. It makes me feel like something less than human.

It actually makes me feel like a monster.

wait at least a day before you expect any replies, not just a few hours.

I wouldn't talk about your sex life to anybody else. Keep it quiet !

paying for it is good for your esteem. You can't know until you try. It gives you a great deal of confidence. Of course find a safe place to go and do your research. Also make sure you have the cash.

 

[el Jay]

I feel this way a lot, and often wonder how any woman could possibly see me in a sexual way, even in a relationship. It just feels literally impossible to me, that the idea that someone, even in a relationship with me, would possibly want to do anything sexual with me.

This is probably because my last girlfriend didn't like sex very much and constantly questioned my sexual desires, wanting to know why I liked certain things (and not in a playful, curious way, but a "why would anyone want that?" negative kind of way). She often flat-out refused to do even the more basic things, and cared nothing for how I felt. She made no effort at all to even meet me halfway.

I don't talk about sex with anyone else, so I don't really have anyone rejecting it from me, although the problem I explained above does make it difficult to think that any girl would like me. It's not a fun thing.

 

[Drew88]

Having a intimate experience with someone will only make you feel worse down the road when you do not have anybody.

 

[el Jay]

Having a intimate experience with someone will only make you feel worse down the road when you do not have anybody.

This is true, but not having intimate experience will haunt you and make you wonder why no one wants you and all that fun stuff. I've experienced both. They're both bad.

The only way to win the game is to continually have someone, or be one of those people who's fine being single and isn't interested in the more intimate and romantic parts of relationships.

 

[Drew88]

Having a intimate experience with someone will only make you feel worse down the road when you do not have anybody.

This is true, but not having intimate experience will haunt you and make you wonder why no one wants you and all that fun stuff. I've experienced both. They're both bad.

The only way to win the game is to continually have someone, or be one of those people who's fine being single and isn't interested in the more intimate and romantic parts of relationships.

This is impossible.

 

[defenestrate]

Forgive me, this thread is very difficult to follow and understand. Although I'm not very familiar with your exact circumstances at the moment, Cucuboth, my immediate response is related to kamya's message. Sometimes people have an expectation placed on them by society based on appearances, such as being disabled or wheelchair bound, which causes people feel this way. It deeply saddens me to know that this is how some people feel, but I don't believe this is the case for you. I'm uncertain of what exactly your faced with.

Are you in therapy? If you are in therapy, or even considering therapy again, I'd like to make a brief recommendation. Once you bring the subject up again, literally hand him or her a letter containing your thoughts found in this thread. The therapist's job is to help you. If the therapist does not understand, or isn't given all the information, how can they help? I think pursuing a hobby is a great idea to find a topic of discussion with complete strangers. But if you feel that being asked to find a hobby is insulting, and the therapists doesn't know you feel that way, they might not be able to help as much. I hope that makes sense.

One last thing that I'll like to recommend-
I strongly implore you to not break the law as duff suggested.
Many people all over the world see themselves as a monster. Low self-esteem or self-loathing is a terrible, terrible thing. For what little it's worth coming from me, I hope that things improve for you Cucuboth. There are highly trained, well educated and licensed healers who are only interested in helping people just like you. I want you to know something though. You are not a monster. Do you know what a monster is?
Monsters are people who see women as a slab a meat to be purchased off the street and treat them as cold, commercial transactions. Those who do break the law and choose to victimize and brutalize other people.
Is to really fair to call somebody whose clearly going through a rough time a monster? No, it isn't.

 

[Cucuboth]

I find it difficult to explain what I'm faced with myself. I've never experienced any affectionate touch, physical contact. When I have tried to, or expressed a desire or interest in sharing even a hug, I either get ignored or I meet a great deal of anger over wanting to experience some form of a physical connection with someone. Even if I just try and express anything that is sexual, I get ignored and told to shut up and accept my (non-sexual) 'place'. I almost feel that I am expected to be asexual (nothing against people who are of course, just that I'm not). I was in almost constant therapy for a long time, from 1993 until last year. So 19 years, and in that time I saw over 20 different therapists, who pretty much all ignored this as having any effect on my self-esteem, confidence, or as any cause of my depression (even though most said that the lack of physical affection does have a negative effect on self-esteem, somehow, I was expected to be different and the exception to the rule). That's actually part of what makes this so frustrating. Why am I expected to be different? Why am I expected to be celibate? What Drew88 said is something that I have heard said to me quite a few times. That I should be 'happy' to be free of any relationship, and that sex is, essentially, over-rated and more trouble than it's worth. Yet, shouldn't that be for me to find out and decide?

Therapists have known. They've understood that it is important to me, that it is a very big negative effect on my self-esteem. But, in a way, I just don't think that they've cared. A few even told me that it was just too hard. It would be easier on them if I had an alcohol or drug problem.

I'm not adverse to a new hobby. But a hobby isn't a replacement, and it feels to me as though, often, that is what a hobby is supposed to be for me. A replacement for any sexual desire. And any classes or groups that I have joined in the past, hasn't been a good success in even finding friends. And right now, I feel happy enough with the hobbies I have. Just need someone to share them with ....

To me, the thought of going to an escort, a hooker, or whatever you want to call them, lowers my self-esteem even further. It adds to the feeling that I am a freak, a monster, that I must be so disgustingly ugly that paying someone to touch me is the only way I will ever experience it. How can that be a good thing? Just do it anyway, and deal with any consequences of how you feel later? To me, it feels like being forced to do something you don't want to do, just because it is the easier way for others ....

 

[defenestrate]

It's upsetting to hear a therapist would treat you this way. I'm so sorry that you've had such poor experiences. I don't even know if it's legal for practitioners/psychiatrists to prescribe drugs to intentionally suppress libido as a form of treatment. Did they really suggest this medical approach? Someone assigned you the task of personally finding some form of medication to lower your libido? Are you being Serious? I know what I'm about to say sounds mean; Are you sure that you aren't exaggerating even slightly? I'm not trying to presume to know what exactly was said but this seems way off the wall. I would be extremely skeptical of any doctor who would suggest that approach and immediately seek out a second opinion. Beyond that though, I think you have more important concerns. What I think is important isn't the fact of the matter, it's how you feel that matters. How you feel is important. It sounds like you felt as though they were dismissive and didn't prioritize your needs as the client. If you felt ignored then that's very important, isn't it? I know it would be important to me.

With that said I still believe writing a letter is always a good idea for ongoing therapy. So I do encourage you to discuss the possibility of sharing thoughts placed on paper with your current therapist. If you currently are in therapy. Writing is just another form of expression and some people do express themselves differently through writing compared to vocalizations. I believe people receive from therapy what they invest in it. That's not to say you aren't placing effort in therapy. I'm sure that you had. Especially over these many years. Sometimes therapists themselves cannot help, and you either need to be referred to another one. Cycling through a large number of therapists isn't unheard of. People are sometimes lost, do not possess insight into the problems they're faced with, and do not have any real or tangible goals to be achieved in therapy. For example, I knew a single mom who exhibited cluster b traits, narcissistic, and would throw away her life saving on a monthly basis. If she spent her time in therapy discussing how everybody was out to tarnish her good name, and nobody seems to respect her enough, do you believe she would ever learn the tools to better manage her problem? No? Likewise for any single concern that anyone ever mentions in therapy. There needs to be communication for a therapist to help anyone. Including you.

So I would start from the beginning and ask a barrage of questions of the therapist. Various websites such as the APA, Psychology Today, and Psych Central all contain good articles to help you find an expectation of therapy and what important questions to ask. You need to understand exactly how the therapist plans to help you. For instance; How do you help people with therapy? What are my treatment options? What is your approach? What do you think is the goal of therapy? What are your responsibilities as a therapist? What are the responsibilities of the client?

Then also ask yourself some questions; Did the therapist listen to my concerns? Was the therapist condescending? Do you feel better or worse after the session? Was the therapist passive or active in the session? What do you like better?
These are only some small examples. It sounds like you have negative answers for all of these personal questions above.

The next thing is writing a letter. Even if you write for yourself and not a therapist, I hope that it helps give you some insight. Here's a brief example of what I'd imagine an associate of mine would write down:

To whom it may concern,
I struggle to maintain healthy relationships. (Tangible problem.)
Although it might seem silly, I'm very distraught over remaining involuntarily celibate for many years now. I feel very lonely, isolated, and depressed. I know that we might have a lot of discuss in therapy. Even so, I feel strongly about my current predicament. How I feel is no little or simple thing. (Asserting thoughts and feelings.)
I believe that these negative feelings stem from being physically isolated from other people. I want to better communicate with people and form healthy relationships. (Directions for the clinician, the client has tangible goals.)
I'm over fifty years old and I've been alone for my entire life. These thoughts are pervasive throughout each moment of everyday. I'm scared of being alone and I have social anxiety disorder which further isolates me.

I feel terrible for using an actual example. I hope this story is similar and something that you can relate to. If you feel a certain way, you need to articulate it. If you struggle with articulation: make that clearly known. If you feel ignored, dismissed, and unprioritized, say so. Finally, what you seem to be focused on, sex, is a form of a relationship. Each party involved has an agreement with each other and both have wants and needs. If you want to build the skills necessary to form relationships, you need to start somewhere. So if you feel misplaced and on a detour from your goals, ask how your current pursuits help you reach the goal that you wanted.


As always, please value the advice given by professional more than my own. Likewise for anything you read on the internet. You do have rights as a client. If you disagree with a professional opinion you can seek out different, second opinions. I know that my message might sound very harsh, but I'm brutally honest. The only thing that I can promise is that my message is thoughtful, I placed considerable effort in making it, offered resources and advice, and my only sole purpose is to hopefully help you reach a better place.

Hang in there Cucuboth,
Best regards.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I am a sexual being, but every single girl or woman I've come across has treated me as asexual.

I'm through being angry about it. I suppose one of these days, I will meet someone of the opposite sex who will recognize that I'm a sexual male, with desires and dreams. And that person will be the one I end up marrying. But as of now, I am both a sexually frustrated virgin, and a frustrated man.

 

[Limlim]

Side note, I always thought it would be cool to be like "I am a sexual being" and then open my mouth and reveal an elongated alien odipositor which I would use to plant eggs into someones stomach which would later burst forth after like 2 weeks of gestation into a hive of tiny limlims.

Yeah... Not really sure where I was going with that.

 

[Rosebolt]

Side note, I always thought it would be cool to be like "I am a sexual being" and then open my mouth and reveal an elongated alien odipositor which I would use to plant eggs into someones stomach which would later burst forth after like 2 weeks of gestation into a hive of tiny limlims.

Yeah... Not really sure where I was going with that.

Dafuq did i just read.

 

[ucxb]

Side note, I always thought it would be cool to be like "I am a sexual being" and then open my mouth and reveal an elongated alien odipositor which I would use to plant eggs into someones stomach which would later burst forth after like 2 weeks of gestation into a hive of tiny limlims.

would these said mini limlims be green too or a variety of other fluorescent colors?

 

[ladyforsaken]

LeaningIntoTheMuse, I can only say that I'm glad you are still keeping positive that someday you will find someone who would realise that you are just as sexual as any other guy.

And yeah, gotta say - frustrated is the keyword here.

Side note, I always thought it would be cool to be like "I am a sexual being" and then open my mouth and reveal an elongated alien odipositor which I would use to plant eggs into someones stomach which would later burst forth after like 2 weeks of gestation into a hive of tiny limlims.

Yeah... Not really sure where I was going with that.

Dafuq did i just read.

Hahahahaha.

I was thinking the same. Isn't that what Limlim always does to us, anyway?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I imagine it's like Gremlins. Don't feed the mini Lim Lims after midnight or get them wet. Bad things might happen!