So this is how it feels?

[CenotaphGirl]

Puberty and my upbringing among other factors messed me up.

Can you describe your insecurity? It doesnt sound like it stems from your looks. Does it come from the stuttering and being soft spoken?

That's great you are getting your body moving.

I think prior to the assault/incident I liked the way I looked so much, I had small hang ups about my appearance but nothing major. After the incident my face was really beaten I thought when I healed everything would go back to how it was, I'd be happy with my appearance again and confident again, however, I am not, I have no scars, I just hate myself so much, I feel like losing confidence has altered my view of myself. The slight stutter and speaking so quietly all the time is depressing and adds to a sort of resentment I have towards myself... I'd say I cant see anything nice in my appearance anymore, I just see ugly.

Yeah, I jog really early to be honest I feel like its just me and the outdoors that way.

 

[Sunless Sky]

I think prior to the assault/incident I liked the way I looked so much, I had small hang ups about my appearance but nothing major. After the incident my face was really beaten I thought when I healed everything would go back to how it was, I'd be happy with my appearance again and confident again, however, I am not, I have no scars, I just hate myself so much, I feel like losing confidence has altered my view of myself. The slight stutter and speaking so quietly all the time is depressing and adds to a sort of resentment I have towards myself... I'd say I cant see anything nice in my appearance anymore, I just see ugly.

Yeah, I jog really early to be honest I feel like its just me and the outdoors that way.

Do you have any honest, well meaning, people in your life? What do they have to say about your looks? I am not saying you need outside validation to feel beautiful again but perhaps and unbiased, honest opinion can help.

 

[ewomack]

I spent some time working in movies and television and my general impression is that a lot of people come out of it a little damaged. So many people want so badly to succeed that they become backstabbing or cutthroat to get ahead. Once they do succeed they feel the need to keep up those practices, because then you become a target. Everyone seemed to be using someone else. People would ask their managers or producers to dinner to trash their co-workers or cast members, people often openly played on the insecurities of others and once the industry deemed you worthless you were dropped like a stone into the muck. Men usually ran the show and the women were often treated abominably. Though I had some amazing experiences during those years, I was very glad to move on and get away from that exceedingly neurotic environment. It seemed to attract a certain kind of person and it retained those who had the most of those qualities. I'm generalizing, of course, because I did meet some really nice people along the way, even some nice celebrities, but I honestly met more self-absorbed petty megalomaniacs in those fields than I've seen anywhere else in my life. I hope you didn't have any of those experiences and that you came out of it all relatively unscathed. I don't know if the attack you mentioned was related to your work in that field or not.

As for looks, they are so subjective that really knowing if you're attractive has so many "it depends" attached that it's almost not worth trying on any objective level. Some people don't find stereotypically "beautiful" people attractive. You cannot be attractive to everyone. For 90% of the people that you meet in your life, it doesn't really matter if they find you attractive anyway. You are also your own worst judge. Most people tend to think they're hideous because we keep getting exposed to a certain beauty type (for men and women) that we're supposed to measure up to. Of course most people can't and the standard ideal gets so shoved down our throats that other types of beauty or attractiveness disappear from the cultural landscape. I spent most of my life thinking I was such a hideous monster that no woman would want to go near me, but then I look back and realize that a lot of women asked me out outright or dropped innocent hints that someone must have found me attractive, but I was too wrapped up in thinking how awful I was to take them seriously. Women had to almost literally drag me into their lives because I couldn't comprehend what they wanted with me, so I assumed they were trying to manipulate me or take advantage of me in some way (and a few did). Despite all of that, and despite many people telling me that I have a beautiful wife, I still don't like the way I look or think that I'm attractive in any way. Any evidence to the contrary doesn't even register. I even avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible. I've just learned to tell myself that ultimately it doesn't really matter. But I am happily married and that does help with self-esteem and self-valuation quite a bit. One just needs to find the right person. I was lucky.

Suffering a physical beating can of course also have horrific psychological consequences. One can internalize such an event and think that something must be wrong with them for someone else to do something so horrible. Victims often blame themselves, unfortunately. Were the people who assaulted you caught and charged? Did you know them personally? Without knowing you, I know that you didn't deserve such treatment as you described. No one does. I'm guessing that you're covering these questions in therapy already and I hope you get through them and see that you were just the unlucky victim of some nasty folk. Take care and be well!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I spent some time working in movies and television and my general impression is that a lot of people come out of it a little damaged. So many people want so badly to succeed that they become backstabbing or cutthroat to get ahead. Once they do succeed they feel the need to keep up those practices, because then you become a target. Everyone seemed to be using someone else. People would ask their managers or producers to dinner to trash their co-workers or cast members, people often openly played on the insecurities of others and once the industry deemed you worthless you were dropped like a stone into the muck. Men usually ran the show and the women were often treated abominably. Though I had some amazing experiences during those years, I was very glad to move on and get away from that exceedingly neurotic environment. It seemed to attract a certain kind of person and it retained those who had the most of those qualities. I'm generalizing, of course, because I did meet some really nice people along the way, even some nice celebrities, but I honestly met more self-absorbed petty megalomaniacs in those fields than I've seen anywhere else in my life. I hope you didn't have any of those experiences and that you came out of it all relatively unscathed. I don't know if the attack you mentioned was related to your work in that field or not.

As for looks, they are so subjective that really knowing if you're attractive has so many "it depends" attached that it's almost not worth trying on any objective level. Some people don't find stereotypically "beautiful" people attractive. You cannot be attractive to everyone. For 90% of the people that you meet in your life, it doesn't really matter if they find you attractive anyway. You are also your own worst judge. Most people tend to think they're hideous because we keep getting exposed to a certain beauty type (for men and women) that we're supposed to measure up to. Of course most people can't and the standard ideal gets so shoved down our throats that other types of beauty or attractiveness disappear from the cultural landscape. I spent most of my life thinking I was such a hideous monster that no woman would want to go near me, but then I look back and realize that a lot of women asked me out outright or dropped innocent hints that someone must have found me attractive, but I was too wrapped up in thinking how awful I was to take them seriously. Women had to almost literally drag me into their lives because I couldn't comprehend what they wanted with me, so I assumed they were trying to manipulate me or take advantage of me in some way (and a few did). Despite all of that, and despite many people telling me that I have a beautiful wife, I still don't like the way I look or think that I'm attractive in any way. Any evidence to the contrary doesn't even register. I even avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible. I've just learned to tell myself that ultimately it doesn't really matter. But I am happily married and that does help with self-esteem and self-valuation quite a bit. One just needs to find the right person. I was lucky.

Suffering a physical beating can of course also have horrific psychological consequences. One can internalize such an event and think that something must be wrong with them for someone else to do something so horrible. Victims often blame themselves, unfortunately. Were the people who assaulted you caught and charged? Did you know them personally? Without knowing you, I know that you didn't deserve such treatment as you described. No one does. I'm guessing that you're covering these questions in therapy already and I hope you get through them and see that you were just the unlucky victim of some nasty folk. Take care and be well!

You are so not wrong, I found that out auditioning for a role with a popular kids tv show, not sure if I am allowed to name it. I never realised how cut throat the industry is as I came from the drama groups and drama school which was so friendly and more like a family... real world is sooo not like that.

Attractive... I think it's different for women, as crazy as it sounds I have never worried about being attractive in the sense of if men will want to be with me, as.. I am a women. but I hate the way I look I have internalised a lot of issues, I hate the way I look, I often always look in the mirror to see if I look so bad I shouldn't be outside, but it gives off the idea that I am vain sometimes I guess.

They were charged, and no I didn't know them, but thank you so much for your message.

Oooh btw sorry not being nosey I just love love so much, how long have you been married?

 

[Colster]

As I have always maintained, confidence is a trick. You don't need confidence, just the ability to make others believe that you have it. Begin with posture, hold your head up. Be the first to speak, and so clearly. Avoid difficult topics, weather usually works. In more formal situations, introduce yourself, state your business, and if you do feel the inner tremble, there is no shame in informing the other person that you are shy or nervous. There is every possibility that they might feel the same way too.

 

[littlefish555]

Honestly, I am feeling like a sense of irony in dealing with low self-esteem and shyness, because it's so unnatural to me.
I was a model and an actress, literally so orientated around my looks and my confidence, I never understood others who were insecure.
After a terrible incident on the way home from one of my auditions, my wounds healed but my mind hasn't. I've never felt good enough or beautiful since.
I feel like I was the type of girl to be nice to everyone even prior to the incident however, I realise I was never really truly nice or understanding, I just didn't get it.
However, it's hard, I don't fit the stereotypical insecure girl, I can see that, but all I can feel is ashamed of who I am, my appearance. I cant speak without slightly stuttering, voice shaking... I hate this new me. I just want the old me back, I guess its just enlightening that this is how it feels to be on the other side, the insecure side.. the shy side.

How do you deal/cope with this? Do you see a way out of feeling like this?

Hi! Just read your post and had a few thoughts:

I think being good looking comes with an exorbitant amount of eyeballs on you all day long, so it ingrains this idea that there's actually some consequence for other people about what you're doing, when you're just going about your business. I think being beautiful is like being on stage. You're used to everyone "seeing" you, but maybe you don't want them to so much right now and it's creating anxiety?

What I try to remember is that everyone is so consumed by their own problems and lives, that noticing you, for any type of reason, doesn't really have consequence to them. If someone hurt you then you're not really dealing with regular anxiety or social anxiety or insecurity (IMO). Shame is so dangerous and pointless and I am sending you all the vibes for that feeling to go away forever. I hope you can be super kind to yourself bc to me just from what I read it sounds like you may have been traumatized by what happened. And that's such a cloudy place to be so give yourself a break and some time. Don't judge yourself and just keep working to hang with the people or animals you feel happiest and safest with, and f everybody else for a while. AND I agree with someone above, the right therapist will change the game!

 

[randomguy]

Do you see a way out of feeling like this?

I struggled with low self esteem for years, for me it was all about changing my way of thinking.

Thoughts, in and of themselves, have no power it’s only when we actively invest our attention into them that they begin to seem real. And when we engage with specific thoughts, we begin to feel the emotions that were triggered by these thoughts we enter a new emotional state which then influences how we act.

For example, if you regularly engage with the thought that you’re a failure and feed more attention to it, you’ll start to feel down, worthless, discouraged and perhaps even depressed.

How does your body react to this? You sink down, slump your shoulders, and project no confidence.

But if you engage with more empowering thoughts, they would boost your confidence and thus trigger a more positive emotional state which will then be reflected in how your body reacts: standing up straight, upbeat and energized.

I had to change the attention of my thoughts because what you think directly influences how you feel, and how you feel directly influences how your body reacts, and how your body reacts directly influences how you behave, and how you behave comes to define who you are and what you experience in life.

Even now when I feel a strong emotion, I bring my awareness to it by pausing and asking myself "What's going on in my mind right now? Why am I feeling this way? Why am I angry? Why am I upset? Why am I feeling so low?"

This can help me figure out why I'm feeling what I'm feeling and drive me back to the root cause of these feelings: the thoughts I first gave my attention to.

I wish you well, from the few posts you've made I'm pretty confident you'll beat this.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

As I have always maintained, confidence is a trick. You don't need confidence, just the ability to make others believe that you have it. Begin with posture, hold your head up. Be the first to speak, and so clearly. Avoid difficult topics, weather usually works. In more formal situations, introduce yourself, state your business, and if you do feel the inner tremble, there is no shame in informing the other person that you are shy or nervous. There is every possibility that they might feel the same way too.

I guess I have to relearn confidence, I feel like my idea of confidence is so wrapped up in how I felt about myself, my looks and my "intellect". I think the idea of it being a trick is so foreign to me, it was always just me. I was performing for so long, since about 4, I feel so.. disappointed in myself that I have lost who I am, I cant really be insecure and go back to the world I was in, it's just not acceptable, I think that adds to the fear.. I dont know, but I will also try this tick, I will see if I can reset my confidence dial.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Hi! Just read your post and had a few thoughts:

I think being good looking comes with an exorbitant amount of eyeballs on you all day long, so it ingrains this idea that there's actually some consequence for other people about what you're doing, when you're just going about your business. I think being beautiful is like being on stage. You're used to everyone "seeing" you, but maybe you don't want them to so much right now and it's creating anxiety?

What I try to remember is that everyone is so consumed by their own problems and lives, that noticing you, for any type of reason, doesn't really have consequence to them. If someone hurt you then you're not really dealing with regular anxiety or social anxiety or insecurity (IMO). Shame is so dangerous and pointless and I am sending you all the vibes for that feeling to go away forever. I hope you can be super kind to yourself bc to me just from what I read it sounds like you may have been traumatized by what happened. And that's such a cloudy place to be so give yourself a break and some time. Don't judge yourself and just keep working to hang with the people or animals you feel happiest and safest with, and f everybody else for a while. AND I agree with someone above, the right therapist will change the game!

Honestly, and please dont get me wrong when I say this, I cried reading this message, this message understands, like truly. I dont want to be seen anymore, but it's more like im scared to be seen.. I feel so ashamed, so stupid I feel so pathetic. I just felt like my identity was stolen, and im so unsure on how to get it back., worse.. i'm not sure if I want it back.

I guess the point is im so angry at myself, I literally hate myself, I blame myself, I just see nothing but wrong when I look at myself now, I see no beauty, I just see someone who was attacked. Someone who cant speak, someone who will never be who I thought I was going to be.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I struggled with low self esteem for years, for me it was all about changing my way of thinking.

Thoughts, in and of themselves, have no power it’s only when we actively invest our attention into them that they begin to seem real. And when we engage with specific thoughts, we begin to feel the emotions that were triggered by these thoughts we enter a new emotional state which then influences how we act.

For example, if you regularly engage with the thought that you’re a failure and feed more attention to it, you’ll start to feel down, worthless, discouraged and perhaps even depressed.

How does your body react to this? You sink down, slump your shoulders, and project no confidence.

But if you engage with more empowering thoughts, they would boost your confidence and thus trigger a more positive emotional state which will then be reflected in how your body reacts: standing up straight, upbeat and energized.

I had to change the attention of my thoughts because what you think directly influences how you feel, and how you feel directly influences how your body reacts, and how your body reacts directly influences how you behave, and how you behave comes to define who you are and what you experience in life.

Even now when I feel a strong emotion, I bring my awareness to it by pausing and asking myself "What's going on in my mind right now? Why am I feeling this way? Why am I angry? Why am I upset? Why am I feeling so low?"

This can help me figure out why I'm feeling what I'm feeling and drive me back to the root cause of these feelings: the thoughts I first gave my attention to.

I wish you well, from the few posts you've made I'm pretty confident you'll beat this.

Awh wow im sorry, I really cant imagine years and years of this, it's just too much.

But you're right, I feel like these negative thoughts just radiate from me, I feel like im insecure and it shows.

I even had a picture up, and a random guy who I am sure couldn't have known about the incident said "I can see in your eyes you're broken", I literally kept being sick after reading that, I felt so idk. He was probably trolling but I cant shake the feeling that he's right, my eyes just dont light up the way they used to, im just not the girl I used to be. I think that has a lot to do with the intrusive thoughts and how I am reacting to them on some level.

I wish you luck on this journey as well and thank you so much.

I have to ask, do you find that questioning your thoughts has gotten easier over time?

 

[randomguy]

I have to ask, do you find that questioning your thoughts has gotten easier over time?

Yea it deffo has, I'm not going to lie and say it's easy, it's not, it's something you can't change over night. Mindfulness is a life long thing.
The vast majority of my days now are good, I do find myself slipping into old thought process's occasionally but I can spot it and knock it on the head very quickly,

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Yea it deffo has, I'm not going to lie and say it's easy, it's not, it's something you can't change over night. Mindfulness is a life long thing.
The vast majority of my days now are good, I do find myself slipping into old thought process's occasionally but I can spot it and knock it on the head very quickly,

I'm so glad for you, I was honestly starting to feel like there was no way out, just feels so overwhelming.

 

[randomguy]

I'm so glad for you, I was honestly starting to feel like there was no way out, just feels so overwhelming.

Have you looked at CBT? I don't know much about BDD but have some experience with people suffering with PTSD and a few of them have found it helpful.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Have you looked at CBT? I don't know much about BDD but have some experience with people suffering with PTSD and a few of them have found it helpful.

Yeah, wow thats actually the therapy I'm doing at the moment, not sure if its helping or not, or if I expect miracles. During one session the therapist said that I may not get back to the old me but develop this new me... Idk, I think the idea of that scared me the most.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yeah, wow thats actually the therapy I'm doing at the moment, not sure if its helping or not, or if I expect miracles. During one session the therapist said that I may not get back to the old me but develop this new me... Idk, I think the idea of that scared me the most.

It takes time. When dealing with anything of that nature, it will always take time. Sometimes a lot of time and you are also going to have to fight like hell to get where you want to be.

Finding myself again, being comfortable with who I am took a long time and honestly, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. My story is obviously different than your, but it did involve abuse (both physical and mental). The first thing I had to do was realize that it was okay to not be like that anymore, that even if things weren't better, I had to try. I think the scariest thing was (and I think this is true for anyone) what if I put in all this effort and nothing changes, what is it's worse.... That's all bullshit, 1000% bullshit. If you put in the work, if you try your hardest, you will find yourself in a better place. You just have to find the courage to start fighting back (figuratively, not literally)

As for getting back to the old you, no that won't happen. As much as you want it to, that person is gone. But that doesn't mean you won't be an even better you. Our experiences in life shape who we are. Before your incident, you couldn't have went back to the person you were 10 years before because of everything that's happened. We are always changing, always evolving ourselves so we fit into the world we are surrounded by. When I started my journey to find myself, I wanted to just go back to the person I was before. I will always be fighting to improve myself, but now that I've climbed that (what I thought was an) impossible mountain, I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before. Who I am now is better than that person and you will be too. It's scary as hell right now, but it's so worth it.

Keep fighting for yourself and don't worry if you take a few steps back, because that will happen. Just remember to keep getting back up, you'll get there.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

It takes time. When dealing with anything of that nature, it will always take time. Sometimes a lot of time and you are also going to have to fight like hell to get where you want to be.

Finding myself again, being comfortable with who I am took a long time and honestly, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. My story is obviously different than your, but it did involve abuse (both physical and mental). The first thing I had to do was realize that it was okay to not be like that anymore, that even if things weren't better, I had to try. I think the scariest thing was (and I think this is true for anyone) what if I put in all this effort and nothing changes, what is it's worse.... That's all bullshit, 1000% bullshit. If you put in the work, if you try your hardest, you will find yourself in a better place. You just have to find the courage to start fighting back (figuratively, not literally)

As for getting back to the old you, no that won't happen. As much as you want it to, that person is gone. But that doesn't mean you won't be an even better you. Our experiences in life shape who we are. Before your incident, you couldn't have went back to the person you were 10 years before because of everything that's happened. We are always changing, always evolving ourselves so we fit into the world we are surrounded by. When I started my journey to find myself, I wanted to just go back to the person I was before. I will always be fighting to improve myself, but now that I've climbed that (what I thought was an) impossible mountain, I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before. Who I am now is better than that person and you will be too. It's scary as hell right now, but it's so worth it.

Keep fighting for yourself and don't worry if you take a few steps back, because that will happen. Just remember to keep getting back up, you'll get there.

Wow thats so inspiring, on the other side of the effort I am hoping there is something worth while... Getting back to the old me is like so paramount, but it feels like a losing battle, I will keep fighting but so afraid that if the old me isn't what i'm fighting for... is any of it really worth it. Who am I if not the girl on the stage, I just feel like I will have to relearn who I am, and perhaps who I want to be.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Wow thats so inspiring, on the other side of the effort I am hoping there is something worth while... Getting back to the old me is like so paramount, but it feels like a losing battle, I will keep fighting but so afraid that if the old me isn't what i'm fighting for... is any of it really worth it. Who am I if not the girl on the stage, I just feel like I will have to relearn who I am, and perhaps who I want to be.

You will have to relearn who you are and who you want to be. That's not a bad thing. Everyone goes through that at some point in their life. But finding yourself again and evolving doesn't mean that you have to throw away everything from your "old" life. Some of the aspects of that life will still be there. You can still be the girl on the stage. It's just your mentality and perspective that will be different.
I still do a lot of the same things I did before and I still enjoy doing them, but I also do new things that add to the quality of my life.

 

[ewomack]

Concerning therapy, I had a number of EMDR sessions a few years back. The therapy still remains a little controversial, but it had a pretty interesting effect on me. It removed a bunch of negative emotions that I had floundering around inside of me without ever really revealing their source. So it also disappointed me somewhat in that I felt a lot better, but I didn't exactly know why. A few therapists thought that I had some severely suppressed trauma, but there was never any evidence for it, apart from some strange, unexplainable recurring emotions. In any case, the emotions stopped after the sessions. Correlation isn't always causation, but, well, whatever works, I guess. It might be worth a try, but it's controversial and apparently can have vastly different effects on different kinds of people.

 

[user 139760]

Well, now your Valentie's day thread makes more sense, now that I've got an idea of who you are as a person lol.
I have undiagnosed PTSD. Also anger issues. Probably some other things I don't want to get into, have extensively on this forum before and I don't feel like drudging it up again, you can look through my threads if you're curious.
Being the victim of a life-changing event is not easy. You have to forget about becoming "the old you". In a sense, that person is gone. There is a before, then there is an after. The idea is to try to slowly reclaim ownership of your life by reclaiming parts of your previous self, but with the knowledge you have now. It's not a quick process. It's slow, painful, hard, methodical. Time will help, but it won't solve everything. You have to work on it bit by bit. Slowly go back to the things you used to do that made you, YOU. Remembering that you're not lesser, but BETTER, than you were before.
Good luck kiddo.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Well, now your Valentie's day thread makes more sense, now that I've got an idea of who you are as a person lol.
I have undiagnosed PTSD. Also anger issues. Probably some other things I don't want to get into, have extensively on this forum before and I don't feel like drudging it up again, you can look through my threads if you're curious.
Being the victim of a life-changing event is not easy. You have to forget about becoming "the old you". In a sense, that person is gone. There is a before, then there is an after. The idea is to try to slowly reclaim ownership of your life by reclaiming parts of your previous self, but with the knowledge you have now. It's not a quick process. It's slow, painful, hard, methodical. Time will help, but it won't solve everything. You have to work on it bit by bit. Slowly go back to the things you used to do that made you, YOU. Remembering that you're not lesser, but BETTER, than you were before.
Good luck kiddo.

Oh nooo, I have to talk to you about your PTSD if you'd be okay with that, it honestly destroys my life more than anything else.

My therapist said I cant be the old me too... that burns, like hot coal. I feel like why should I have been stolen? Now im left with remnants... I guess im angry too...

But I will have a look at some of your posts, thanks so much.