Some Perspective on Loneliness

[IambicBlonde]

Hello, all. I just recently joined and have been reading a lot of the posts here. Lots of different people with many different experiences. I thought I'd share mine to hopefully give kindship to those like me, or offer something for those seeking perspective on their own loneliness.

I've always been an introvert. As a kid I was an only child living in a small town away from my friends at school. As a teenager I never felt comfortable with (or much knew) who I was, so I went with the flow, mimicking what others did, and doing/thinking/talking like them. School allowed me to interact with others, but I was a drone without an authentic identity. But once I graduated high school and separated from my friends I was able to finally think for myself and view the world beyond how others did. But it also meant I had to do it on my own.

I spent the majority of my twenties and early thirties completely alone. A recluse. Learning about poetry, art, politics, worldy culture but not having people in which to share that with. I used my new-found intellect to convince myself that I didn't need others. That being a loner was a badge of pride. That delusion thrived for quite awhile. But never having a girlfriend, never experiencing intimacy or enlightenment from another person took its toll. For years I didn't even talk to another soul outside of my family. And rarely them. Fortunately though they supported me. But I reached the end. I made a decision to engage the world again. In babysteps. Taking walks. Being around people. Getting a job and working with others. I'm still an introvert. I'm still shy. But I have an identity now. And at least I'm giving myself an opportunity to meet people.

What's the point of all this? Don't take what you DO have for granted. Some people here have no friends. Cherish the ones you have. Some people have never known love. If you have, be grateful. But for those of you who are like me, don't give up. I spent nearly ten years completely alone. But I survived. I used that time to find my personality and actually see myself for who I was. Now, when I interact with others I am who I truly am with them. It isn't always a success; a lot of times its awkward. But sometimes people will surprise you in their reactions, as well. And I believe one will only find that special person for them if they live their life as who they really are. Not some mask. Not someone afraid of revealing their actual self. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself. To feel down. But don't sulk around others. Show them what makes you unique, however embarrassing. Everyone has something worth offering another person. Most don't respond or acknowledge or value that, but the ones who do are the ones that could be right for you. It's still a struggle for me, but I'm trying. And if you don't try, you'll always be lonely.

Hope this helps.

 

[In a lonely place]

I find a lot of similarities with my own life in your post.
I too shut myself from the world for a while and now I do have hope. That's all it is - hope, but I'm hanging on in there. Thanks for your post. It's inspirational.

 

[Anten]

No one really knows what they are doing in life. I think that is one of the main things to know in life because we see a person getting straight A's or getting all the attention from the opposite sex, so we think they have all the answers. They just found out what works for them and for the most part they probably think the next person has it all figured out. Just keep on doing what you do IambicBlonde.

 

[21acceptedbeingalone]

Thanks a lot for posting this thread man. I am a very similar situation. Ive been a recluse pretty much for the past 5 years and besides my family, I've rarely talked to anyone and rarely left my room when it wasnt in order to do things I had no option to avoid (school, buying food, etc). I want to turn my life around and have been trying recently but am scared about how to do it heh. Am glad to at least here that someone else like me was successful in changing things.

 

[IambicBlonde]

No problem, 21. There are more of us out there than people think. It's just that it can be embarrassing to talk about. Or it was for me. But after awhile I just said screw it, accept it, see how people react. I started online. Talking to friends. Getting used to telling people about who I really was. A lot of people were receptive to it. Curious. The only advice I can give is to begin being honest with your situation. Learn how to talk about it. With friends online. And maybe someone who lives close to you that knows who you are and would like to meet you. For me, it was babysteps. Taking a walk, at first. Going running at night. Getting used to being outside. Then doing so in daylight. Saying hello to a stranger was a huge deal. And go from there. It can be embarrassing to ask for help, but if you have people who can, let them. Don't go ten years like I did. For me, the first five I wouldn't take back because I used to them to write, learn, grow within myself, but the last five were nothing but loneliness. And I'm still lonely, lol. But I'm more hopeful.

There's no rule book for this, sadly. Some go to doctors and use prescribed drugs to help; others rely on family and friends. Getting a job is a huge step forward, too. That seemed an impossibility for me. But once I began inching myself into the world, I took a breathe and chanced it. I won't lie and say it's completely changed me. Again, it's another babystep. But even being around people is a success. I feel for you, man. It's scary and exhausting. It's tiring worrying and thinking about it all the time. But keep trying. And keep getting input from others. If you see an opportunity, take it. If none comes, try making progress in babysteps. Tell me, what did you before you became reclusive? Did something happen? Or is this something that has always been going downward for as long as you remember? Anyway, there's a lot of people on this site. They might have something to offer you, as well. I wish you luck.

 

[jean-vic]

A nice post, and I am glad you have found happiness.

However, some people have tried. I know I have. It hasn't really got me anywhere with people. About a month ago I was in my Mum's room talking to her about my loneliness and I ended up crying in front of her. I don't cry in front of people, and that made her cry. For some, no matter what you try, people aren't interested. Even those that are let you down. One of my closest friends let me down. Promised me she never would, but she did. Now I'm down to one friend who lives in another town altogether.

I won't give up trying. That would be foolish. But, for some, it seems, loneliness is something they just have to endure. That's my experience anyway.

 

[IambicBlonde]

Thank you, but I don't want people to misintrepret what I've been trying to say. I wouldn't describe my current life as happy. More like happIER. But I'm still lonely. I'm still alone. But I'm less alone than I was. It's not as if I evolved from one to the other. Think of it as a scale from A to Z. With A being where I began and Z being where I would like to end up. I'm at D right now. It's still a struggle. But it's progress.

I feel for your situation. I, and those like us, know too well how invisible it can make one feel. But it's good that you were able to cry in front of another. Maybe that's progress? I'm glad you'll not give up trying. It sounds so trite and like b.s. but only in trying can you find whatever it is you're looking for. It hasn't panned out yet. For both of us. But it doesn't mean it won't. However bleak it looks. To be blunt, some people go their whole lives alone. But you can't think about that and give up. All anyone can do is keep trying, keep being around others, keep trying to learn how to meet new people. Yes, most people don't understand; most don't even want to try to understand. But you might meet someone that will. Or another like yourself.

The only thing I caution against is romanticising loneliness. Not that I'm saying you are. But for me, I used to and all it did was embolden my tendency to be withdrawn or feel forlorn. Again, this will sound trite and like b.s. but appeal to the positive things in you. Some would say they have none. That's crap. Everyone has something about them that makes them unique. Highlight that, keep trying and hope for the best. And if still doesn't work, keep doing it. At least that's what I'd do.

 

[21acceptedbeingalone]

For a long time Ive always felt weird around people and like I didnt fit in. Probably since at least I was in junior high. I tried up until I got to college to be a "normal" social person, but it never seemed to work. Id make friends for a bit, but would lose them eventually and be alone again. Once I started college, I just stopped putting any effort into making friends. I sort of convinced myself that I was better off alone and that I enjoyed it. In some ways I do enjoy my solitude, but overall I wish I could change how my life is. Like you mentioned in some of your posts, I romanticized my being alone and tried to pretend I was fine with it, but Ive realized that type of thinking wont work in the long run. My username was made when I thought I didnt mind being alone.

 

[jean-vic]

Thank you, but I don't want people to misintrepret what I've been trying to say. I wouldn't describe my current life as happy. More like happIER. But I'm still lonely. I'm still alone. But I'm less alone than I was. It's not as if I evolved from one to the other. Think of it as a scale from A to Z. With A being where I began and Z being where I would like to end up. I'm at D right now. It's still a struggle. But it's progress.

I feel for your situation. I, and those like us, know too well how invisible it can make one feel. But it's good that you were able to cry in front of another. Maybe that's progress? I'm glad you'll not give up trying. It sounds so trite and like b.s. but only in trying can you find whatever it is you're looking for. It hasn't panned out yet. For both of us. But it doesn't mean it won't. However bleak it looks. To be blunt, some people go their whole lives alone. But you can't think about that and give up. All anyone can do is keep trying, keep being around others, keep trying to learn how to meet new people. Yes, most people don't understand; most don't even want to try to understand. But you might meet someone that will. Or another like yourself.

The only thing I caution against is romanticising loneliness. Not that I'm saying you are. But for me, I used to and all it did was embolden my tendency to be withdrawn or feel forlorn. Again, this will sound trite and like b.s. but appeal to the positive things in you. Some would say they have none. That's crap. Everyone has something about them that makes them unique. Highlight that, keep trying and hope for the best. And if still doesn't work, keep doing it. At least that's what I'd do.

I don't think I romanticise loneliness. I do like solitude. I'm naturally introverted. That won't change. I don't need to be with people all the time to be happy. It's the fact that people make no effort to speak to me. For example, my work colleagues say that we are friends, but don't talk to me between shifts online, or by text. That isn't a friend, in my opinion. It's the protracted periods of solitude that lead to loneliness.

It's also the lack of companionship. There is nothing I want more than to go to ork/uni, come home and just watch crap tv with a girlfriend, or go for a walk with her or just talk about nonsense. Love is something I want, and the lack of that is hard to bear at times.

I definitely won't give up, though. Mama didn't raise no quitter .

As for finding something positive about myself. Done and done

And, while you are only at D, I hope you find your way to Z. You seem to know all too well the crippling nature of loneliness and I wish you all the best in getting to where you want to be.

 

[MadMonkè]

A nice post, and I am glad you have found happiness.

However, some people have tried. I know I have. It hasn't really got me anywhere with people. About a month ago I was in my Mum's room talking to her about my loneliness and I ended up crying in front of her. I don't cry in front of people, and that made her cry. For some, no matter what you try, people aren't interested. Even those that are let you down. One of my closest friends let me down. Promised me she never would, but she did. Now I'm down to one friend who lives in another town altogether.

I won't give up trying. That would be foolish. But, for some, it seems, loneliness is something they just have to endure. That's my experience anyway.

What did your friend do? Can you talk about it?

---

Yes, good thread.

I usually try to learn something with my time too... usually by watching stuff.... science, history, politics, finance, science fiction.....
I dont think it has helped my social life at all... most people are just not interested in that stuff...
nobody wants to talk about the war on drugs or the slow impeaching of peoples' freedoms. And I seriously am not interested in knowing any NEWS related to CELEBRITIES. like... seriously....

I hated being alone and was scared of being left out.
now... I just accept it.

wow....
I just saw a little deeper into my psyche just now... can't believe I just said that....

 

[jean-vic]

What did your friend do? Can you talk about it?

Well, unfortunately, we have always had a personality clash. I'm very laid back and like to mess around, have a laugh. Unfortunately, she never got my humour. That has led to many late night arguments where she has misinterpreted what I've said and had a go at me. Anyway, when she broke up with her boyfriend, it was me that she bitched and moaned too, until one night I gave her some advice. She flipped out and started shouting. I lost my temper and told her she was not to talk to me about this lad again, because I wasn't going to be spoken to like something she dragged in.

Anyway, a few months have passed since then. She apologised for how she spoke to me and things were fine. Recently, when she has been texting or breaking off conversations to speak to someone, I have always jokingly said, "Is that you're new feller?" She always laughed it off and denied having another boyfriend. Two weeks ago, a friend of ours had a birthday party in town. I came back from the toilet to find her kissing some lad. I didn't say anything to her and got a drink. I wasn't happy, though, because I thought he was some weirdo trying to take advantage of her. I didn't want to intrude, though, and step on her toes. Instead, I decided to watch and see what happened. Eventually, he left her and went somewhere else. I asked her, "Who was that?" She said she didn't know.

The next day at work, I made a joke about her kissing strange men, and she said not to tell anyone what had happened. I said I wouldn't. However, I then joked that if she was going to pick up strange men, she should at least make sure they are good looking and not complete d**kheads who'll abandon her in town when they don't get their way. She then flipped out saying that I was out of order for talking about her boyfriend that way. I said I didn't know that it was her boyfriend because she had lied to me numerous times about not having one. The argument escalated with me finally saying that I was tired of her yelling at me for being protective, and no matter how much I told her to stop talking to me like crap and no matter how much she had apologised in our 3 year friendship, she just kept doing it. I said it was like talking to a brick wall. She told me to enjoy my brick wall, and we didn't speak again.

I don't like that she continues to speak to me like she does, despite the many hours I've spent fixing her problems, listening to her dramas and just generally being there, even though whenever I try to talk about one of my issues, she immediately turns the conversation back onto herself. I hate that after 3 years of being almost best friends, boyfriend number 3 is instantly more important than I am. I don't like the fact that she lied to me numerous times. When we first started talking years ago, she wondered why I was so reserved. She wanted me to open up and share. I told her I couldn't because I don't trust people. People always let me down. She promised she never would. Guess what she did?

 

[MadMonkè]

yes... I can relate to that kind of women... unfortunately...

Im sure your friend is a very strong and beautiful person. and just to project a little deeper, she may even be deceptively cute but is open to talk about sex and relationship problems... a man eater of sorts perhaps...

It also sounds like you might want to be a little more than just friends with her... unfortunately, it also sounds like you could be trapped in the friend zone...

Whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with her is up to you. But you should be honest... to yourself at least... Do you really want to take care of her? or you just want some of the poon tang? a bit of both certainly wouldnt hurt... right?

But brother... take it from a guy thats learned the difference between a good woman. and just drama....
A good woman will make you feel like a king... until you feel so great, you start thinking that you deserve better...
drama is the opposite... they treat you to an emotional roller coaster ride and tell you that its just a ride... nothings for real.

Find a good girl. and give her your world. she will make you a bigger and better man for it.
then. never let go.

---

Are there any good girls in the house?

 

[jean-vic]

yes... I can relate to that kind of women... unfortunately...

Im sure your friend is a very strong and beautiful person. and just to project a little deeper, she may even be deceptively cute but is open to talk about sex and relationship problems... a man eater of sorts perhaps...

It also sounds like you might want to be a little more than just friends with her... unfortunately, it also sounds like you could be trapped in the friend zone...

Whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with her is up to you. But you should be honest... to yourself at least... Do you really want to take care of her? or you just want some of the poon tang? a bit of both certainly wouldnt hurt... right?

But brother... take it from a guy thats learned the difference between a good woman. and just drama....
A good woman will make you feel like a king... until you feel so great, you start thinking that you deserve better...
drama is the opposite... they treat you to an emotional roller coaster ride and tell you that its just a ride... nothings for real.

Find a good girl. and give her your world. she will make you a bigger and better man for it.
then. never let go.

---

Are there any good girls in the house?

---

Trust me, dude, I never wanted more than a friendship. I have never been attracted to her, and never wanted meaningless sex. Like I say, personality clash, and if I don't like your personality, I don't like you. I have been massively attracted to average, if not unattractive, girls, simply because they were awesome to be with, made me laugh, got my personality etc. This girl never came into that category.