The social pressures of love

[Thomas]]

Hey,

------- Months ago on another forum, I wrote ---------------------------------------------------------

I want to make a message. If you're ever having relationship difficulties, all you have to do is ask yourself one thing: Do you love him / her? If the answer is yes (you will just know I promise you), then you have to cast any fears or doubts aside, and make the risks which will allow you to live your life together. Because trust me, if you don't, you will end up regretting it for the rest of your life. And it's not something you want to go through.

The smartest people in this world, are the people that know how important what they have is, before they lose it. Maths, science doesn't play a part. Never be afraid to let the ENTIRE WORLD KNOW just how much you love her. If they say to themselves "jeez what a drama queen" or whatever you are afraid of, then ****** them. What matters is her. Don't be afraid, embrace what you truly believe in.

I personally realise that it's the combinations of all the "boxes they do tick" and "boxes they don't tick" are what make you appreciate and love them even more. And it's these different combinations that give you someone who's perfect...

----------------------------------------------------------------

A while ago, I wrote an absolutely gigantic post about an experience I had gone through which destroyed me... At the end of that massive rant, I made some points which have been crucial to my learning, and who I am.

I just wanted to make those points clear and more blunt, because I'd like to share these things I learnt with anyone of you who are questioning themselves or a relationship they are in. I know it's something which is very easy to say, but I truly mean it and I think it's so very important... I wish you all the best :shy:

Thanks very much.

PS. If anyone is interested in the original post (and if you have time to read), it can be found >here<. This post is really long, and goes into depth about my story and how I lost someone extremely important to me.

 

[IgnoredOne]

No one is 'perfect'. Sometimes things don't work out and you'll just have to meet up with someone else who can be more compatible with your goals. And I disagree with a central thesis of your post: you cannot, and should never live for someone else. The most important person in your life, first and foremost, above all else, must be yourself. If you do not love yourself, then you are not capable of loving others.

This doesn't meant to completely ignore or take people for granted, of course, but be aware of what is possible and what is important. I had a vaguely similar situation to yours, and eventually I paid for the girl to move in with me from Canada - but none of that would have been possible if I did not first organize my life and make sure all of the resources were in order.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I love her lots...but everything with her is always all messed up no matter how much
I try and try and fucken tried. It's totally ******* me up and than some.

It's difinitely not a social pressure.

I dont know what it is.... why I gotta love soneone so so much with so so **** much
fucken issues. There's plenty of drop dead goregouse women with less fucken issue.
No one it perfect of coures...but holy fucken, the person I love is far from
perfect which of course puts my love to the acid test and than some...

Its not a matter of what I know what a healthy relationship should be or ought to be.
And of course I know what a kind, loving woman is..been with plenty.
I've been in helathy relationships for decades or years before my partner woke up
oneday and decide to snape for whatever reasons...it's kind da like living for decades
then being inform your partner has a terriable illness. Everything changed from that moment
all beyound my control.
Some people simply just died on me. Its that same feeling or experince.
That someone you love is no longer that same or life is never that same again.

Everything you knew. All the answers you thought you had...All that honeysuckle
dosnt fit or work anymore..

Of course...as anything thinker or when the pain is so great..your mind will try to resolve
it or offer you salutions...many many salutions. So you can cope or function as a human being.
Such as "LOVE IS JUST A MYTH"

Of course Im not living for her. I love her is for me becuase I'm such a selffish basturd
LOving her is living for me. When Im with her...it's not a bad thing to live by...
When Im not with her..it's something i ought to case aside like a bad plauge.

Logically I can make a lot of honeysuckle out...but none of fits today.

I think too much about everything enough as it is....millions of angels or perspective.
Theres only one that fits......

I want what I want out of life...if i dont get what i want out of life I'll never be truely happy.
I can lie about it. I can pretend it dosnt bother me. I can joke about it. I can deny it.
TO THY OWNSELF BE TRUE. GETTING HONEST WITH MYSELF AT THE CORE.

 

[Limlim]

This doesn't meant to completely ignore or take people for granted, of course, but be aware of what is possible and what is important. I had a vaguely similar situation to yours, and eventually I paid for the girl to move in with me from Canada - but none of that would have been possible if I did not first organize my life and make sure all of the resources were in order.

So YOU'RE the guy who keeps taking the good girls away from me!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

This doesn't meant to completely ignore or take people for granted, of course, but be aware of what is possible and what is important. I had a vaguely similar situation to yours, and eventually I paid for the girl to move in with me from Canada - but none of that would have been possible if I did not first organize my life and make sure all of the resources were in order.

So YOU'RE the guy who keeps taking the good girls away from me!

Thats becuase you aint sexy and loveable like me...
Plenty of women took me home with them and shower me with thier Love. I'm not talking about one night stands either.
And I didnt even have to pay any of the bills when two of them
took me home at the sametime..
I'm not above of being thier boy toy.lol
Women loves me for me...not for my fucken money or the car I drive. I love women for who they are.

The thing of it is...you gatta have that loveble sad eyes.
She knows your heart broken and it's not an act.
Like the OP say dont ever be afriad to let the world knows
you love a woman...but's not like u whine like a little *****.
You hold your head of high inspite of the heartaches.

Women knows you're capiable of so much love and at the sametime they see that toughness. You never talk about
the actual woman you heart broken to those women.
You dont have too. It's unspoken words.

it's also like a territory thing. It's like a womenhood kind or ego
of thing. These women wanna know what it is that crazy
***** I'm so in love with have that they dont have.
They trying to conveince me they love me so so much
more and the I deserve so so much better. Not just in words
becuase LOVE is a VERB...

But you gotta be with Mrs Right before it all went wrong.

 

[IgnoredOne]

This doesn't meant to completely ignore or take people for granted, of course, but be aware of what is possible and what is important. I had a vaguely similar situation to yours, and eventually I paid for the girl to move in with me from Canada - but none of that would have been possible if I did not first organize my life and make sure all of the resources were in order.

So YOU'RE the guy who keeps taking the good girls away from me!

Sorry, friend. The world has a limited supply of cute cosplay girls and every one needs to be mine. On the plus side, there are still noncute cosplay girls for you

Anyway, though, we basically had an online relationship and we were very close to her, but to make it local required quite a bit in the way of visits, and then I had to arrange for her to visit me - the former which was inexpensive, the latter which wasn't. Though Limlim, don't you get free or cheap standby flights by the virtue of your profession as well?

 

[Limlim]

But I like cute cosplay girls too

I only get the cheap flights during christmas and only then to other bases.

 

[IgnoredOne]

But I like cute cosplay girls too

I only get the cheap flights during christmas and only then to other bases.

THE SCHEME:

1)Canada conquers world
2)Strategically place bases near the houses of potential mates
3)???
4)Profit!!!

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

THE SCHEME:

1)Canada conquers world
2)Strategically place bases near the houses of potential mates
3)???
4)Profit!!!

Genius... we'll need coffee...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Dont forget to order the ficken cage...incase she turns into an animal and wanna take flight on ya.

---

I met a dude...he was kind da retarted...
He actually sent some chick or what he tuaht was a chick 15K for moving expenses.LMAO

And I also ran into a chick...she went on a crazy ass shoping spreed oneday.
She swipe cash and credit cards from some poor lonely basturd. .lol .

 

[Sprint]

Dont forget to order the ficken cage...incase she turns into an animal and wanna take flight on ya.

---

I met a dude...he was kind da retarted...
He actually sent some chick or what he tuaht was a chick 15K for moving expenses.LMAO

And I also ran into a chick...she went on a crazy ass shoping spreed oneday.
She swipe cash and credit cards from some poor lonely basturd. .lol .

---

lol @ or what he thought was a chick

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I read the original old post as well as the new one, and I think you're being far too harsh on yourself.

It sounds like you simply met the girl at the wrong time in your life.

Relationships are about compromise, you might have to sacrifice things for your partner every now and then and they have to do that for you sometimes too.

However, a relationship should not take precedence over absolutely everything in your life. You should not be discarding your University education over a girl - she should not expect you to do that either, because it's unfair.

I've not got as close to a girl as you, so I comment this as an observer. I can see how it must feel different when actually in the situation. Even so, I think you did the right thing by studying, even if you lost her.

Imagine you had gone over to Canada, studied and lived there, and she had still broken up with you. Even if you were very, very close, it's still a possible situation - that would have been considerably worse, especially since you would have gone far above reasonable expectations to do that.

This whole scenario is partly why I don't like the idea of "long distance relationships". Human beings are not designed to interact so strongly when seperated.

Relationships stem from our biological, sort of most animalistic instincts. We naturally crave physical contact, face-to-face interaction and a sense of closeness with someone.

I think an online relationship cultivates the emotional attachment to someone very strongly, but skips this crucial part of close bonding romantically with someone.

The net result is that a lot of feelings get shared, minds get collectively attached and the barrier melts away in that regard, but it can quickly get very intense without the substance to the relationship that justifies that.

I had a very good female friend online and we talked about everything. I told her things about me that I've never told anyone else, we even flirted outrageously (though purely as friends).

It was only recently when she went out with someone and we stopped talking as much that I realised how much of a grip that interaction had over me, even though I hadn't seen her for years. It was far too powerful.

I have reigned myself in now, vowing not to chat with someone so intensely online unless I see them regularly in reality.

All in all, I think you will recover eventually, it will simply take time. It hurts a lot emotionally, but you should take comfort that the situation you were in was not sustainable.

It's easy to say in hindsight "I should have done more", but to do so is futile, as circumstances have changed. The blame for the disintegration of the relationship also lies equally with her.

I would simply stay single for a while, concentrate on your studies, and pursue a girl only when you feel like you have the time to devote to her in real life.

One thing I am learning is that sometimes it can feel like you can only get so close with one particular person, but over time when you get to know others you realise that they also have that same closeness potential, as hard as it is to put into words.

Everything's not lost

 

[Thomas]]

SolitaryMan (and others), I cannot thank you enough for reading everything I had to say and giving me your opinion. I appreciate it so much =x.

Imagine you had gone over to Canada, studied and lived there, and she had still broken up with you. Even if you were very, very close, it's still a possible situation - that would have been considerably worse, especially since you would have gone far above reasonable expectations to do that.

It surely hurts more to not know what could have been and to live in regret, rather than trying for what I really know I wanted...but was too shy and un-confident to pursue... To live dynamically a little, take the risk for what I believed in :f It's just so hard sometimes, for some reason I can't ever stop blaming myself for the mistakes... I know it takes 2, but without my mistakes, I feel really strongly that it would have all worked out... Everything just felt so perfect you know =x.

It's been more than a year now, and time has helped very slowly. But there is always this massive knowledge in the back of my head about how I failed.. .

But I guess you live and you learn, and it was my time to learn =x. Thanks so much for your support =x

 

[IgnoredOne]

It surely hurts more to not know what could have been and to live in regret, rather than trying for what I really know I wanted...but was too shy and un-confident to pursue... To live dynamically a little, take the risk for what I believed in :f It's just so hard sometimes, for some reason I can't ever stop blaming myself for the mistakes... I know it takes 2, but without my mistakes, I feel really strongly that it would have all worked out... Everything just felt so perfect you know =x.

Sometimes the risk exceeds what is reasonable. I don't know if it was so in your case, but at least, take heart from it that in the future, you should have your priorities straight and not splurge on visiting oversea friends if you're planning on saving money to see your girlfriend.

Doesn't mean that you should blame yourself for everything. I think you also realize that. Accept that you did the best you could given your mindset then, and forgive yourself. Hurting yourself, even mentally, won't help anyone.

It's been more than a year now, and time has helped very slowly. But there is always this massive knowledge in the back of my head about how I failed.. .

But I guess you live and you learn, and it was my time to learn =x. Thanks so much for your support =x

That's a good attitude to have. Live and learn.