Ok guys, there's an issue here. "Asking out" is not a cultural thing here. I mean people won't ask the opposite gender to watch a movie or going for dinner when they want to know each other better. I know it may sound weird but that doesn't happen here. A girl would find really strange if a man she barely knows told her they should go to a restaurant and then walk her home. Relationships start here by mainly two forms: They hang out with mutual friends or they hook up in a random place. Sometimes they can becomes friends first but moving that relationships forward it requires spending a lot of time together, which I can't because she's very reclusive. The other way is this one, meeting on a common place like college or work. But we're not classmates and we're not friends. I never know when she is in or where and from now on we will se each other less and less due to the ending of the school year.
This girl...
- Thread starter Xpendable
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ardour
Well known loser
...Surely friends meet up outside of college or work. It doesn't have to be dinner and movie anyway. I think that's considered somewhat cliche, awkward, and not as common a "first date" as it used to be.
beautiful loser
Well-known member
What about one night stands?
ardour
Well known loser
The point is... you're just making excuses. There's no need to ask her out on some obvious Date. Ask to meet up somewhere as you would a friend. She'll probably guess what it's really about (ie. that you see her as more than a friend).
ardour
Well known loser
Xpendable said:
Fine… what else are you going to do? “Randomly” bump into her? Change your major and enrol in the same classes? You’ve discounted every reasonable avenue to get to know her better.
beautiful loser
Well-known member
Xpendable said:
Well alrighty then...guess I'll see you in church this Sunday.
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Paraiyar
Guest
Xpendable said:
Actually a lot of people do do this.
Seriously, what would be the worst that could happen in just asking her to chill? You aren't taking opportunities when they are there.
user 115627
It's all so tiresome.
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If the social conventions are as stringent as you described them, I can only see you playing this slowly and steadily. If you don't physically encounter each other much by chance, you will probably have to rely on messaging her on Whatsapp sporadically. Checking how she's doing and if she has been up to any interesting things lately. There seems to be an overlap after all. At some point you have to reach a level where it would be tolerable to meet up physically to hang out wherever. Is it more awkward to ask to hang out at home than at an outside location? Also, you mentioned that you "got to play in one of her songs one time"...how did that happen and is that something to build around another meeting?
Xpendable said:
But that is how you develop into friends, or more, by taking the next step. You have known her as an aquintance for 18 months.
By hanging out with someone you learn if you can be friends or more. She is obviously comfortable sharing things so far.
It sounds like now you are making any excuse not to take the risk.
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Paraiyar
Guest
Serenia said:
Yep...
Rodent said:
Thanks for the empathic response. I guess that's the best option, to interact more with her to the point we are both comfortable. I've said before that it seems there's no other guy on the orbit. That can be good or bad depending of the reason XD But I guess guys are also reluctant to date a weirdo.
I got to play because we make presentations. We're both composers and one day she ask some classmate to play (I wasn't first option) but I was there and he pass the task to me because he was lazy. We practice and I got it right, but the rest of the musicians coulnd't do it so at the end I didn't actually played. But she was very thankfull and sung in one of mine later on.
She said there was an overlap some time ago, not literally like that but that we had common interests. The problem is that I'm always the one reaching out and texting first and makes me think I'm not that important to her (nor that I should be), even we I've shared many personal things, like the fact I'm going to therapy.
ardour
Well known loser
Xpendable said:
As you say, the problem is it's always you initiating with messages. If that were to go on for months it could start to look a bit stalkerish.
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Paraiyar
Guest
ardour said:
Or it could mean that she expects him to make the first move.
Paraiyar said:
I agree. I have heard alot of dating advice given by men to women is not look too interested as this comes across as desperate (Aware not all men think like this, but have heard this time and time again). Maybe she is interested, but has the fear of being more forward, in case she is labelled as desperate, and also the same fear of rejection as anyone else feels.
ardour said:
Still, I only message her every 3 weeks or more. The last time it has been like 3 months. This is the level of planing I have to do to avoid bad things, almost paranoid.
Paraiyar said:
I don't think she expects anything, tbh.
Serenia said:
And this is impossible to know, sadly. But again, I realize I'm not important to talk to, if she was interesated she would have messaged me at least once. Maybe to talk about anything, and I notice we sometimes talk about personal subjects. I suspect she has many other people to talk about this, she probably has a nice circle of friends out of school that fill another purpose and are probably closer to her. I simply don't stand out as interesting or relatable enough and she has many other options, that's what it seems and I'm trying to work in a way of changing it. It sucks.
