This really hurts!!

[worldofadreamer]

Hey everyone I haven't poseted in a long while but today I'm here and so much has happened and I feel like I need to post it on here.

UUUm I don't usually let people in not in real life...but theres this guy that I went to college with nearly 3 years ago..he was my friend..lets call him N. I dated his best friend in college lets call him M.

Me and M were never serious i was 17 and had never had a bf...it was more like holding hands and learning to kiss. I didn't trust anyone even back then so I never let him in. He asked me to marry him and I said I was too young (he needed to get married to stay in the country) neway this was 5 years ago he married someone else. Recently we've got back in touch and everyday I think did I let the most the best thing that could have happened to me go.

Now M & N don' speak anymore. M thinks N is a good for nothing person who takes advantage of others. Neway me and N have bee friends ona dn off and hes always let me down..but he went away for about a year and when hecame back he said he had to tell me something. He had to tell me that he'd always liked me etc. The truth is i liked him fromt he moment I saw him... n the reason I was always ther for him as a friend was because deep down I loved him. He was the one that mattered..even in college days..probably why I never took M's proposal seriously.

Neway me and N start talkignand arrange to meet up..but he invites another one of our friends not thinking!! We talk and kiss when the other firend is not looking. We then talk through texts and realsie that hes going to India for 2 months because his grandad is ill in a weeks time. He says we should give 'us' a chance but not tell anyone yet.

He goes to india..he texts a few times and everything is finr. Untill new years eve when he stops texting until 3 weeks later and says he might be getting engaged and hes got a week to think about it n he'll let me no. I tell him to do whats best for him adn his family (indian families liek to arrange there childrend marraiages). Neway he got back from india on friday..i text and got no reponse. I then wrote him an emai saying how i felt about him and got no reponse. I rang countless times and got no answer.

Now while he was india..i told out other friends about us (well there more his friends than mine) and they all told me to be careful and not get involved.

Today he texts and says that hes not engaged but its in the process. hes going to talk to this girl for 2 months and then their going to get engaged. He says hes sorry and he didnt mean to hurt me. I reply saying that even his friends warned me but I defended him, he doesnt reply, so i send another text saying If he really didnt mean to hurt me then tell his parents that he doesnt want to get engaged and prove how much i mean to him'...i still get no reply..so i send another text sying 'u cant, can u! so jus leave me alone n let me forget that u ever mattered to me!. After a few hours with no reply I text again saying "u no wot the bad thing is depsite it all i want it to go back to how it was before u went to india..u calling me ur pwincess and thinking that were going to be together properly..dont u?". still no reply

Does he have a right to be angry that I told his friends about us?
Do I have a right to angry its not like we actually were in a proper realtionship? it'd only jus started.
Is it wrong of me to still love him?

oh the reason for mentioning M in all of this is because the other night i was drunk and i offered to go to bed with him..jus to stop the pain..he didnt take advantage but I'm scared of wot I might do. I think alot of it is because I miss those days and N and M are the only people who are still around..n i feel awful.

sorry i' rambling..i really a..but i want to scream..everyone leaves me!!! n everyone sees my desparate eyes jus loking for love in all the wrong places. I don;t no how much more I can take .

 

[VanillaCreme]

You can tell whoever you want, and it's not up to him to decide whether or not you should be mad. That's not right of him to tell you how to feel.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm sorry you're going through that Dreamer.
I'm sorry for your losts.

It's okay to feel what you feel.
It's okay to feel the anger
It's okay to even want to run away from the pain.
It's okay to scream.
It's okay that you still love him.
It's okay to cry your heart out.

Please try to take care of yourself in this trouble and stressful times.
Try to eat..Give yourself a break , take a time out from your grieving.
Try to get some rest...Be gentle with yourself.

Write...anything and everything you feel or going through..
let it out....
keep reaching out to other people.

I had a plutonic relationship with a girl in HS and college...We were very good friends.
We would go out ..hang out, cruzed the strips and party together all the time.
For the longest time I couldn't understand why she cried when I informed her I got married.

I still remember her to this day even though we moved on with our lives.
Sometimes I wish life was as simple as those good old days...
I'm grateful..I had an opportunity to had share a part of my lilfe with her...
Yes..sometimes I wish she would had told me exaclty how she felt about me...mostly when my currently
life situation are going so good...
Sometimes I wish I would had also told her how I really felt about her..I had a major crush on her.
Sometimes i wish I was't so **** scared of loving her or letting her love me. She did in her own ways.
I just didn't want to ruin the freindship that we had.
Never the less..I'm still greatful i have good memories of her.
She taught me so much about how to be a friend to a woman.
None of the friendship i had with my lover/partner were as closed as i had with her.
i still love her today...I belive there's plenty of room in my heart for the love I have for her.

I'll leave room for you too...you can rock my world.

 

[Steel]

(((((Dreamer)))))

You have every right to feel hurt and upset.

 

[jales]

dreamer,

You deserve better. I know that culture is important, but so is love.
Wait for the guy who is going to put you above family. It's someone you are going to want to spend the rest of your life with... that person should put you first in a situation like this.

If someone is not willing to give to a relationship with you as much as you are willing to give to a relationship with them... as hard as it is; that person may not be the one.

I guess you know all of this already though so what I will say is DO NOT beat yourself up or feel like a bad person for being in love, for being excited about a guy, and for giving yourself to someone.

Don't feel bad because you sent a million text and called a lot. Because if you didn't then you would never have known what would have happened if you had taken the chance. You took a chance, and that is good, now you know that he is not the one for you.

And it is going to take time, and friends and maybe even a new guy of interest for you to really stop feeling as badly as you may feel now. But you will feel better. As bad as it feels now; things will get better. Give yourself time to cry and listen to sad music and meet new people and develop new friendships.

And know that this community is here for you. You will find someone good; just give life a little more time.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[SilentThinker]

Sometimes there are things that are hurtful because they are done by the people we loved and trusted.Do not be overly upset about this because some things are beyond our control.(We cannot really control the actions of others.)

It is time to move on.

 

[Presence]

Dayum that stuff hurts from here.

 

[Marius]

I know you're probably not looking for advice and I know me of all people probably am not qualified to give it but that is some seriously dramatic stuff. I think we both know what my advice would be though for it is the simplistic yet most complicated decision there is. I won't say it outright though, and I think you probably wouldn't want someone to say it because they don't have the right. I beseech you, if you come across this post again, to please sit down and think about it from an outside perspective.

Take care.

 

[worldofadreamer]

I still feel awful...I saw N on sunday n I got him n his friends taking again. He held me n told me he loved me n couldn't b with me...hes getting engaged to a girl fromt he states in 2 months if things go to plan with his family. I sed it was bye then csue i couldn't bare to be just friends with him. he sed i had to what i had to do. After i left he text to ask if i was ok n i sed there was no point in asking that question because there was nothing he coudl do weven if i wasn't ok. then he text saying thanku for getting him together with his mates again, I sed it was my pleasure but now it was bye n that i want him to b happy n i will always love him. I deleted his numbers from my phone ( wrote them down on piece of paper). I survived yesterday without contacting him. Today i've doen nothing but sleep n eat n feel like I can't bring myself to carry on living. I text him 'hey is heart breaking even a tiny bit as much as mine? i promied myself i wouldn't text, wouldn't think about u, but i can't, all i keep thinking is about is what we might be throwing away'. he replied ' hey princess my hearts breaking 2, i was going to text you today morning but didnt cause didn't want to make it any harder than it already is, baby i miss you so much' I then sent him a really long text saying hoe mcuh i missed him, how i dont want neone else, n asking if this is really the end..after everythign we've been through do we end up being nothing to each other. 3 hours later n he hasnt replied. I then text saying sorry for texting, i shouldnt have and i won't again. I deleted his numbers again (there still on paper tho).

I don't know what to do with myself, hes always been part of my life, even when he wasn't he was always in my mind. Now I can't concentrate on anything..n the thought of him getting engaged to somoene else makes is killin me inside. I wish i couldmake him see what hes doing..but I'm scared of sounding like i'm begging. I'v already done tht!! it diodnt get me newhere. wot do i do now. I'm so confused

 

[jales]

dreamer,

you are not asking him for more than you would be willing to give yourself. think of it like this. if you had a family who wanted you to marry a guy from australia would you say yes? or would you pick him? you would pick him. if he is not willing to be a man and stand up to his family for you .. he does not deserve you.

i dont care about what his culture is and yadda, yadda, yadda... we all have culture. i have a culture as well and i promise you that if i loved someone who was not from my culture.. once it is true love then i could NEVER pick tradition or culture over them.

I know you are in pain but try to be strong. text him as much as you want but also talk to other people... talk to other friends, and let yourself get enough time away from him to heal please.
Maybe I am wrong and he is the one for you.. but it doesnt look like he is from all that you type..

 

[Steel]

(((((Dreamer)))))