trust issues

[ugly12]

how do you know if you can actually trust your bf/gf again?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Forgive once, and trust again. Not twice, otherwise you're the fool.

 

[Kenny]

Forgive once.

Trust again AFTER they've earned it.

Forgive twice, shame on you.

 

[SofiasMami]

Meh, past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. There's a good saying out there - when someone shows you how they really are, believe it the first time.
Care to elaborate on what's going on?

Teresa

 

[jales]

okay i will tell you my story with respect to trust.

i knew how guys were from my brothers. I never trusted guys. So in my 1st relationship i did not trust my boyfriend. I did everything you should when you dont trust. Met his family, his friends... spent time with him 24/7. He said he was shy, I did what I thought you should do. I mean I was careful. I cant explain it but I was. I knew every number on his cell phone.. I thought I knew him.

We spent everyday together and we spoke from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to sleep.

Anyway it turns out the women he said was his cousin was his girlfriend.. they had been together for 7 years before he even met me, and they even legally had a child together (when I say legally I mean they were the parents according to the courts).


I learnt something SO important from this guy. YOU HAVE TO JUST TRUST MEN. No question about it life is easier when you trust. Whether or not you trust you can still be hurt badly. For me it is easier to trust.

I trusted my second boyfriend and it was so much easier on me when I found out he was cheating, because I just was not as surprised. I didnt do anything to insure that he was not cheating so.. yea.

Okay maybe I am using the word trust badly.. but I hope you get what I mean.

For me I always just trust. If you tell me you are single.. I will believe you till someone proves that you arent. I no longer think about it or need to meet your family as your girlfriend or anything like that to believe you.

Because it is harder when I have met your family and confirmed to myself that you are real, only to find out you are a liar!

 

[Sci-Fi]

I have major trust issue so once someone violates that trust I have a hard time every truly trusting them again. Now I feel people need to earn it to be trusted and until they do I don't trust them. So that's a good question you propose ugly12. It all comes down to you, you have to be willing to trust that person again. Unless you are willing to trust them again all of the advice you get is useless. If you want to trust them again then do so, just don't let your guard completely down, learn from the past, don't make the same mistakes. The worst thing you can do is to put all your trust back into the other person only for them to do the same thing again that breaks your trust. Don't fall prey to sins of the past.

 

[NOAH_FX]

I simply don't trust anyone.

 

[Cosmo]

Meh, past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.

This. Very much this.

Keep in mind people have to EARN your trust. It's polite to give people the benefit of a doubt at first, of course. But if someone betrays my trust I have a VERY difficult time forgiving them.

So first decide IF you can forgive them. Second decide what would make you comfortable enough to begin to trust them again. Discuss this with them. If they are unwilling to abide by that then you know that it's all downhill from there. If they agree to abide by it do whatever you need to come to the conclusion of whether they are on the level or not. And then also decide if you are comfortable and happy even if they are.

You may find that despite their best efforts that your ability to trust them is now gone, regardless of their good behavior after the fact. In that case cut your losses and move on.

If you truly feel that there's hope for you to forgive them totally and to trust them again then proceed at your own risk. Remember: you gave this person your trust once already and look what they did with it then.

 

[Kenny]

Keep in mind people have to EARN your trust. It's polite to give people the benefit of a doubt at first, of course. But if someone betrays my trust I have a VERY difficult time forgiving them.

So first decide IF you can forgive them. Second decide what would make you comfortable enough to begin to trust them again. Discuss this with them. If they are unwilling to abide by that then you know that it's all downhill from there. If they agree to abide by it do whatever you need to come to the conclusion of whether they are on the level or not. And then also decide if you are comfortable and happy even if they are.

You may find that despite their best efforts that your ability to trust them is now gone, regardless of their good behavior after the fact. In that case cut your losses and move on.

If you truly feel that there's hope for you to forgive them totally and to trust them again then proceed at your own risk. Remember: you gave this person your trust once already and look what they did with it then.

This is some of the best advice I've ever seen expressed on an internet forum.

 

[theSupporter]

Ask him about his past, if he has any cheating experience. At least see if he will admit to cheating or cheating with someone. Then, you have him, and RUN AWAY, cuz a cheater will always cheat, whether it is because he is a knucklehead, or because he does not express himself and then justifies his unhappiness with cheating. RUN AWAY no matter how much it hurts. Life is too short to fart around with a loser like that. Being in an unhappy relationship where you're cheated on will hurt you more than a breakup.

I don't think I would ever give someone a second chance. Maybe with some heavy conseling and a HUGE noticable change. But this would be if I am married to them. If it were a GF, I would say forget it.

 

[AimeeLou84]

I have had this exact same problem. Trust is a major thing for me in relationships now. I've been lied to quite a lot in every single relationship I've been in. The guys I meet seem to think lying and flirting with other girls is fine. The trouble is, lies always get found out. Then once the trust has been broken it is really hard to trust again. I think the answer to your question is that it takes time.

Ideally your partner will show you that they've changed if they did something to break the trust. You need to know that they have changed that behaviour. If they don't and everything is exactly the same then how can you trust them again? Talk to your partner. Communication is everything. They should be able to reassure you.

However, my honest belief now is that trust isn't something you know. It's something you believe. You can't ever know for certain whether your boyfriend or girlfriend will cheat on you. Trust is giving somebody the power to hurt you and basically hoping that they won't. It's having faith in the person that you choose to be with. They should earn that trust but in the end it is up to you. Do you feel like you can just let everything go and trust them?