Trying to put being bullied behind me

[neo651]

I'm 26 years old and as far back as I can remember, about 5 years of age, until I was 15 I was bullied. This happened across 3 different school systems by dozens of different bullies, both physically and verbally. For reasons I've never come to understand I was a natural target. I tried avoiding them, but they would seek me out. I tried ignoring them and doing my best to not give them the satisfaction of a reaction, this just caused the bullying to turn physical. I tried making jokes alongside them to show them it didn't bother me, this only encouraged them more. I tried bullying back but this just created an arms race. Eventually I tried to get help and went to one of my teachers but their involvement was the worst of all my solutions. Several of the bullies got in trouble but they knew it was me that told on them, and then their friends, who I'd never had a problem with before, started joining in. Plus, they just found more creative ways of bullying me that couldn't be seen or proven.

It's been 11 years since anyone has really bullied me but I still have nights I stay up crying about it. I've got numerous issues, neuroses and phobias that inevitably I always trace back to this childhood bullying. It's the predominant issue in my past that I need to fix.

People always tell me I need to forgive them or put this behind me or both. I don't think I could forgive them. Not that I'd be unwilling, but I would need to confront them, explain to them how much what they did hurt me, and they would have to apologize. As I'd said, there were dozens of them and I'm now 3000 miles from where I went to school and many of them are likely scattered around the country, too. As far as being told to put it behind me....I don't know how to do that. All the issues that I have as a result of this just act as a constant reminder and I can't prevent myself from dwelling on it. I have techniques to distract myself to stop dwelling at any given time and those work a lot, but I could never figure out a way to stop dwelling altogether.

I really want to get better but I'm so overwhelmed by it, I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[LoneKiller]

You've got to live your life and let time heal your wounds. I once got a "Wedgie" by two girls when I was in Jr. High. They crammed my underwear so far up the crack of my ass I was surprised that I was able to walk afterwards. These things happen. It's not the end of the world.

 

[Barbaloot]

First of all, I'm sorry you've had to go through that. It might not be the end of the world, but being victimized daily is no less traumatic.

Are you in therapy for this? If not, I think it would benefit you greatly.

Unfortunately, the universe offers us few opportunities for confronting those who have wronged or victimized us in the past. And it could very easily be pure fantasy that they would feel any kind of remorse over it - many cruel aggressors never do. Everything that happens after what they did to you is on you. You have to find the way to take that power back in your life and realize your own worth because as of right now every single person who has bullied you maintains an inordinate amount of power in your life. And not a single one of them deserve that.

I was bullied, although much more briefly than in your experience. I realize they were ignorant children. They were insecurity and weakness being overcompensated with aggression and cruelty. It made them feel better about themselves. But their glory was short lived, and now, they are nothing. Wasters, losers, worse. I never lost sight of my own worth, I knew that I was better than them or any cruel words they said to me. It might sound trite to say that the best revenge is a life well-lived, but it often can be. So, I hope that you can find the solution for re-claiming your life and living it, because you do not deserve to live this life of torment. It can get better.

 

[Tiina63]

I have been bullied as well by different groups of people. It's hard to know exactly what sort of signals we give off so that bullies home in on us. They must pick up on our lack of confidence and our vulnerabilty, and our loneliness-if we had a group of tough allies, there is no way they would pick on us.
Confronting your former bullies may only make you feel worse. Part of you might be hoping that they would be horrified by how their cruelty affected you, but as Barbaloot says, they may not feel any remorse, but might put you down for feeling the way you do.
The fact you haven't been bullied as an adult is a good sign-you must be doing something differently now thatn you did as a youngster.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You know, sometimes I think it's not so much putting the bullying behind you but reversing the affects of bullying. It is already behind you, 11 years behind you, you're just still dealing with what it did to you. I know how you feel, I was bullied through school, work, even up to a few years ago. It sucks, it hurts when people think that just because they are bigger than you or stronger than you that they have the right to push you around. They don't. It just goes to show what type of person they are, mean, cruel, ignorant, hateful, terrible human beings. No matter what the reason it doesn't give anyone the right to bully another person.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Never ask for an apology from a person who has done you wrong. This is giving them power, the power to withold that which you want from them. Instead, do not interact with them.Do not give them the power to crush you ever again. Heal on your own. Find a way to take the power in your hands and forgive them (eventually). Forgiveness doesn't mean "Oh it's okay about what you've done." It means...well Oprah said forgiveness is letting go that the past could've been any different. I say forgiveness is saying "I'm moving on now, i'm not living in the past anymore. I have a future I need to focus on and walk towards and a present to enjoy."

As barb said, maybe therapy would help you. I know therapy can solve your phobias. Therapy has very effective techniques for solving phobias if you are willing to go through with the treatment.

 

[neo651]

You have to find the way to take that power back in your life and realize your own worth because as of right now every single person who has bullied you maintains an inordinate amount of power in your life. And not a single one of them deserve that.

You're completely right. But how do I take my power back??

The fact you haven't been bullied as an adult is a good sign-you must be doing something differently now thatn you did as a youngster.

I got big and started beating the honeysuckle out of people who gave me problems. That seemed to put a stop to it pretty **** quick.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I got big and started beating the honeysuckle out of people who gave me problems. That seemed to put a stop to it pretty **** quick.

I laughed out loud at that. Not stating an opinion on physical violence, mind you, but that struck me as being funny as hell.

Back to the topic - I was bullied fairly recently. I chose to not respond and not lose myself to the same misery the bully was obviously dwelling in.

I was also bullied in school. It took a while to get past it. Time seems to dull things. I agree with the things that Barbaloot said as well. Bullies are aggressive and combative. People like that will either grow up and realize they were jerks to people, or they will become miserable and wonder why no one will have anything to do with them anymore.

"Plus, they just found more creative ways of bullying me that couldn't be seen or proven."

I've found that to be the case as well. When they get into trouble, they just find ways to do it with more stealth. It's like they think if it can't be "proven" then it didnt happen.
You don't need an apology from them, and very few would actually MEAN it anyway. You also don't have to forgive them either.

Perhaps thinking that you need something from them - either an apology or an acknowledge of wrongdoing - is holding you back in some way?

 

[ajdass1]

I was bullied as a kid too, although not for as long as you. For some reason the bullying stopped at some point. They used to pick on me because I was the short, fat kid... it's awful being victimized and it sounds like you've had it rougher than most people.

Despite the fact that you 'got big and started beating the honeysuckle out of people who gave you problems,' you obviously still have this deep trauma that's been inflicted on you. Constant bullying for 15 years? That is incredibly traumatic (I was bullied for about 5 and for a long time I *did* believe I was inferior because I'm short) . I think you've taken a really good first step in coming to the forum to talk about it. I also think going to therapy is a fantastic idea and you should definitely do that. Some with the experience and knowledge to help you get past it.

If you do decide to see a therapist, I think it's also a good idea to come back to this thread and post updates and talk more about issues you're having in between sessions - after all, when you're seeing a therapist sometimes you'll have concerns that you need to talk to people about but just can't, because you have to wait for the next session. And I'm sure there are plenty of people on the forums (including me) who can sympathise with what you're going through and offer support.

 

[Gutted]

Not cool man. Not cool. My oldest Brother used to bully me and my other Older Brother. I've not seen him in years now (thankfully)

Where are you from? If you were local, I'd say less unite and teach people a lesson! I know violence isn't the answer but I HATE hearing about this. Something has to be done, even if it costs me >:[

Stay strong man. Try not to think of the past. Look to the future and how you can make it a good one. I'm about quite a lot if you wanna PM me and chat~

 

[Felix]

I was bullied for a year (that's what I lasted in that crap highschool). I can only imagine what you went trough OP. It's some heavy stuff. Therapy, years of therapy... that's probably what you need. You need answes, you need to figure out what happened... otherwise it will hold you back.
Stay strong!

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

All kids bully. Some manage to escape it by fitting in, but those that are the most interesting and the most productive to society later on usually go through crap growing up.

You just can't let the past get you down. Life is too short for that. Leave the childhood memories alone...you were a kid then, now you're an adult. It's time to grow up.

 

[Ak5]

The best thing you can do is to let go.

Stop thinking about your past, it's in the past, lol. Start focusing on the present and the future.

 

[Iceman1978]

It's hard to let go of the past because it's helped shape who you are in the present. You know what they say about emotional scars running deep? Well, people who are bullied are at a disadvantage in life because their self-esteem has been torn down little by little and it can sometimes take years for them to recover and move forward.

I've always been treated like a second-class citizen so I know exactly what people who are bullied feel like. People have told me right to my face that I'm a loser, that I'm unattractive, and I've had people who don't even acknowledge me when I've spoken to them. The only time people do speak to me is when they want something, and almost all of the time that happens is when I'm at work, so I don't know if that really counts.

I know what it's like to be treated like you don't exist. It hurts and it crushes your spirit.

 

[Barbaloot]

You have to find the way to take that power back in your life and realize your own worth because as of right now every single person who has bullied you maintains an inordinate amount of power in your life. And not a single one of them deserve that.

You're completely right. But how do I take my power back??

That's why I think therapy would greatly benefit you, because there is no one-size-fits-all answer for that. I do not know you deeply so I don't know what would work for you, but a therapist could have a much longer working relationship with you where you could develop the skills to learn how to. It probably seems like a cop-out answer, but I really do think it will help.

 

[sunshinemisa2]

As I read your post, it brought me back in time when I was bullied as a child (roughly the same age) and to this day am still bullied but, I have tools that I use to help me.

First, you need therapy. Sounds scary but trust me, it helps but you have to be open to it. Let me explain. One job that I had, my manager bullied me to the point where I conteplated ending my life. People were telling me to quit my job and to get therapy so that I can heal and get back to my old self. I wasn't ready for therapy at that point in time but 2 years later for an unrelated issue, at that point I decided that I needed therapy. Most people in my life including my boyfriend at the time did not understand or support this decision (for therapy) but I went anyways.

It was the best decision of my life and I wish that I had gone earlier in life. Most of the problems that you face now are traced back to when you were bullied as a child and not having the right tools to help you at that time.

Talking really helps, especially with a therapist as they can help you realize what you are doing and what you can do. They can help you identify and give you the tools to help you deal with this.

Finally, give yourself some time for this. It didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. But in time it will get easier. I know that its easier to say than to do, but, in time you will start to see things in a different light. That's when you know that you are on your way.

 

[ardour]

Most bullies end up being losers in adult life. I think that's part of the reason for it; subconciously perhaps they know that school is the only place they're going to be able to exercise some influence over others.

I was bullied from 11-13 pretty badly and ridiculed for most of my teens. I wouldn't assume those involved feel remorse, or even remember it.

You could find the bullies, confront and beat the honeysuckle out of them, then go to jail.

Or you could get counselling / just try and let time do it's thing.

What happened back in school doesn't define anyone. It's nothing. Getting to the point where you know and accept this as true will allow you to finally move on.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey neo, I'm so sorry about your experience. It always breaks my heart every time I hear about kids being bullied, some even going to the extent of committing suicide due to it. I'm glad you fought through it. Though I'm sorry that you're suffering the after-effects of it.

Did you try counselling? It has been 11 years and that is sure a long time honestly. You need to live a life that you deserve. You have to let go now. Letting go doesn't mean you lose or forget. It just means you are giving yourself a chance to live a good life now. Use it to teach the younger people you know or meet nowadays. I think too much bullying is going around and too little is being done. :\

*hugs* Hope you'll find a solution to this, neo.

 

[roguewave]

The idea of taking back your power as if it is a commodity that can be stolen from you is troubling. Power comes from the inside. Powerful people can generate more power, they don't need to take back what they lost.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

Most bullies end up being losers in adult life. I think that's part of the reason for it; subconciously perhaps they know that school is the only place they're going to be able to exercise some influence over others.

I was bullied from 11-13 pretty badly and ridiculed for most of my teens. I wouldn't assume those involved feel remorse, or even remember it.

Most of the people who taunted me or threatened me with physical violence (but never did it) almost daily as a child have served time in jail since then. Two of them were convicted of rape and violent assault, one of fraud, the others, I've heard, look like messes. One of them, I even accidentally ran into one evening when I was out with friends: he was so gone that he had no idea who I was, nor did he even seem aware that I already knew his full name, where he was from, etc.

Even though I mostly forgive them, I'm still triggered by people or situations that remind me of those moments to this day. I honestly don't think that I can ever forget it. As it is right now, I'm learning that I can survive those situations, and I can change how I think and feel about it.

Right now I'm still "reacting" to people and I really have to sit with my feelings. Sometimes I leave and come back when I calm down, or else I just say affirmations in my head to shove out the other critical thoughts (of worthlessness, self-hatred, putting myself down, telling myself I'm inherently unlikable). Or sometimes I leave and don't return that day, so I can take care of the little girl who wondered why people weren't nice and hated her for reasons that she didn't know and couldn't change no matter what she did or said.