What do I do.....

[Littlesecret]

To stop men treating me like crap.

Every man I've ever liked has ended up treating me like crap, I don't go for bad boys if I had to say my type it would probably be geeky, shy guys. However they seem to be wolves in sheep's clothing. For instance, I liked a guy for nearly 8 years and within that time we would flirt but he would always be in a relationship so it felt wrong. Things really turned when he asked if I wanted to be his f*** buddy and I was so hurt, I really liked this guy and I felt like I had been seen as nothing more but a bit on the side.

Events like this has made me continuously re-evaluate myself and knocked my self esteem, I constantly think maybe I'm not interesting, funny or pretty enough to have a boyfriend or someone to love me.
My friends always say it's because i don't get out there to find better men and the men I do like have obvious character flaws that I choose to overlook, also men can sense my lack of confidence, so it's easy for them to walk all over me.

I just feel like I have absolute terrible judgement when it comes men and really see myself being alone forever, which is not a life I would like to live.

Does anyone have any advice that has been in this situation, or even if you haven't. I'd just like some help. I'm tired of feeling like Quasimodo, WHERES MY ESMÉRALDA??

P.S I am not bashing men, if anything I'm bashing my poor life choices.

 

[painter's radio]

I can relate to this, from the other side of course - most of the women I've been in relationships with have treated me like honeysuckle too. Not all, but most. From my story and from yours I conclude that most people are honeysuckle To some degree anyway.

I am fairly sure we are attracted to, and are giving out signals to the wrong kinds of people. I'm not so strong or confident and I think people will - often subconsciously - pick up on this and in some way be attracted to it. I don't necessarily think they are devils on the prowl for victims to bully, some people are, yes, but half of these people probably aren't even aware that's what they're doing. They'd never admit it anyway!

Sorry that guy hurt you with that suggestion. I wonder what he really feels for you, inside, rather than what you think he feels for you from his suggestion. Perhaps he had asked on a relationship forum "there's this girl I've known for 8 years..." and received some bad advice from them. Perhaps he is a jerk. Some people hide for a reason, not all insecurities are irrational.

So what can we do about the type of people we attract? I don't know, really. I'm not one for faking confidence and although I do approve of changing yourself for the better, I'm too lazy and stubborn and, well, a bit Nihilistic to do it, or rather that I think that these changes are a natural process of trial and error - and that ending up in a couple of bad relationships/making poor decisions is all part of the process - learning about the minds of others and ourselves, and becoming naturally avoidant of our past mistakes. Not many people marry their first loves, do they? Most people have an ex.

Of course there is a theory that some of us continue to pick the same type of person to see where we went wrong the last time. I don't really know what I think of that but I do know I'm still attracted to a lot of the traits in a woman that I was attracted to years ago. Silly human, when will you learn! :club:

I'm sorry I don't have some magic words to help you, but wanted to talk anyway.

 

[Case]

I didn't think you were bashing men. Although that "f***-buddy" dude deserves bashing. That was rude.

Believe it or not, this happens to guys, too. I've talked to men who complain about not finding quality women, and the story is all the same. They will never find quality if they only look at a tiny segment of the population. If they are only looking for the hottest 1% of women, they miss out on 99% of the female population, and that's not a great plan for finding a good match.

All I can say is that there are good guys out there. Take the advice of your friends and go out more, but do it with no expectations of finding love. Meet guys, have good talks, and see what happens.

I wish you good fortune.

 

[Nicolelt]

I wish I knew how to avoid it too. I just run now when I see signs that I am going to be treated like crap. Because it can spiral out of control and you feel like you can't get out.

I have set higher standards now because of it. But now I am seen as a stuck up ***** because of it. It's so complicated. I hope you find someone nice.

 

[Tiina63]

I have the same problem, OP.
I agree with painter's radio-we must be giving off signels which tell others it is ok to treat us badly.
It is hard to know how to solve it as, in order to feel a deep sense of self worth, we need to be loved. But to find love we really need to value ourselves first. Developping a sense of self worth from yourself alone is very hard work when it is not backed up by external validation.
Do you have some good friends/close family who could give you at least some validation emotionally.

 

[Littlesecret]

Thanks for your comment Painter's radio.

What you have written makes a lot of sense, I know I'm marginally to blame for being in this predicament I just wish I knew what signals I was giving off to attract such douchebags.
Could it be our pheromones lol?
I do have the ability to fake confidence but it makes me look harsh and unapproachable it also brings a different type of clientele ( this word makes me seem like a madam) which I'm not attracted to and they are pretty aggressive.

Besides faking confidence when your naturally shy, is never going to lead to a successful relationship because they don't really know who you are in my opinion.

I wish i believed he cared that much to discuss me but he was playing with me, I just don't get how humans can be so callous with people's feelings, I'm somewhat grateful for being insecure somewhat it makes me so self-aware not to hurt others.

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Thanks Case, I learnt in my teens going for looks would never work out for the best which it didn't. So I evolved and adapted into finding traits of people that most would over look but I found endearing, however in doing so I completely look past flaws that will bound to hurt me eventually so now I feel lost when it comes to seeing who someone really is.
Anywho, thank you I need all the fortune going.

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I hope you find someone nice too Nicolelt and you manage to put down those guards when the right person comes along.

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You are so right Tina63, the words "you have to love yourself before anyone else can" are constantly ringing in my ears but when I see my friends that's also have self-confident issues get into relationships with nice guys I have to wonder maybe it's me that is the problem.

I have close friends I can talk too but I hate sounding so whiney so I just bottle all my feelings up, they always tell me how I would be a great mum/wife and I just want to cry because I just don't think I'm destined to have that in my life.

 

[painter's radio]

We must never blame ourselves for being treated badly. Whatever signals we give off it's the person treating you badly that is to blame, not yourself. I understand not faking confidence (or any important aspect of your person), but this doesn't mean we have to completely give all of "us" away either, so easily. Be kind and considerate but I think sometimes being too eager to please someone/anyone/everyone can be unhealthy. The more you let people get away with, the more likely they are to take advantage of you.

 

[kamya]

Good guys that are your type exist. I know lots of them! Plus I've seen your pictures and you're definitely not a Quasimodo! Just keep your head up and keep trying. Also don't be afraid to be more picky with the guy that you go out with. It's not worth it if it means being abused.

 

[Littlesecret]

Good guys that are your type exist. I know lots of them! Plus I've seen your pictures and you're definitely not a Quasimodo! Just keep your head up and keep trying. Also don't be afraid to be more picky with the guy that you go out with. It's not worth it if it means being abused.

Thank you Kamya, you always say the nicest things. You are right, I've tried so hard to build up my self-esteem so that maybe I can find the right guy for me but it's just not working.

 

[Wanderer145]

You have to focus on your own beliefs and character and improve who you are then the disappointments won't be so bad because you'll be tougher to deal with them. I've only had a couple of girlfriends and I'm surprised from the people on this forum that quite a few have had a lot of relationships. Something I can't comprehend. I feel like its hard enough finding someone as it is...so maybe however long it takes or however many people you meet and part with you're getting closer at least to the person you're looking for.

 

[Zett]

You have to focus on your own beliefs and character and improve who you are...

Pretty much this. I can't stress how important it is to invest in your own development. If you're in a place where you feel you aren't wanted because of your physical appearance it means you haven't developed what makes you happy about yourself. This could be anything ranging from building your personal character (moral values, beliefs that define you and make you a better person), physical fitness (being in good shape helps regardless of genetic disadvantages) to competence in any field you're already doing such as work, music or any kind of hobby.

It's by spending time on the things that make you happier to be yourself that you build your character. Naturally this creates greater attraction as long as you don't have anti social values (like arrogance - or maybe some people like that >_<) and people are likely to be more respectful. It's not easy for people to walk all over someone who has a lot of value. Your values will speak beyond your appearance and people who are worth your time will stick around to find out.

 

[sk66rc]

Good guys that are your type exist. I know lots of them! Plus I've seen your pictures and you're definitely not a Quasimodo! Just keep your head up and keep trying. Also don't be afraid to be more picky with the guy that you go out with. It's not worth it if it means being abused.

Thank you Kamya, you always say the nicest things. You are right, I've tried so hard to build up my self-esteem so that maybe I can find the right guy for me but it's just not working.

Just outta curiosity, what is your type?

 

[Littlesecret]

I know your right Wanderer145 it's just hard to believe, it's so easy to become dishearten with so much heartbreak, I've only had one long term boyfriend and the rest were just "seeing" eachother.
It's so hard not to question if there is something fundamentally wrong with me when all I get is hurt constantly.
I know I'm a pretty tough person in general, I've been through so much and I'm reasonably well adjusted. However when it comes to relationships, I just don't have a clue lol.

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Thanks Zett for your words, I don't think I'm physically unattractive I do have my days when I hate the way I look but don't we all?

I understand what your saying but I do believe I have good morals and beliefs, I'm also quite a head strong person but when you get close to someone and they hurt you, it's hard not to question everything you once believed in yourself.

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I wouldn't say I have a specific type but I am drawn to shy, nerdy guys. Or were you asking for what I physically go for?

 

[sk66rc]

I wouldn't say I have a specific type but I am drawn to shy, nerdy guys. Or were you asking for what I physically go for?

I guess little bit of everything... Physical type, personality type, mental stage, eye colors, etc, etc...

 

[Littlesecret]

I wouldn't say I have a specific type but I am drawn to shy, nerdy guys. Or were you asking for what I physically go for?

I guess little bit of everything... Physical type, personality type, mental stage, eye colors, etc, etc...

Lol, well to be honest when it comes to physical attributes I'm pretty open, though my dating history has mainly been of the caucasian persuasion .

I normally go for older men and I like guys that have great sense of humours but also know when to be serious in times of need. They have to be intelligent and know at least one language, be a Morris dancer and be able to play the Bazantar on one leg lol.
I went rogue at the end disregard the last three.

 

[sk66rc]

be a Morris dancer and be able to play the Bazantar on one leg lol.

I'd pay to see that

 

[Littlesecret]

be a Morris dancer and be able to play the Bazantar on one leg lol.

I'd pay to see that

Haha if I found a guy like that, I'd be like 'were doing this' (relationship) whether he wanted to or not.

 

[sk66rc]

be a Morris dancer and be able to play the Bazantar on one leg lol.

I'd pay to see that

Haha if I found a guy like that, I'd be like 'were doing this' (relationship) whether he wanted to or not.

There has to be a place where I can sign up for lessons...!!!!