What exactly is "boyfriend material"?

[Peaches]

I'm a guy and I'm interested in some feedback from the ladies on one of the issues mentioned. I'm the sole care taker of my elderly mother; I moved into their retirement home 12 years ago when Dad died; I sold my own house; I'm middle aged and in my own early, secure retirement. So: does all that constitute "..mommy & daddy.." issues?

Because I thought I'd walked away from those issues when I went to college at 18 years old. That I'm even asking this question now, tells me I'm not so sure anymore.

sniff, it sounds like you are rather a hero...

 

[ForGrantedWife]

I think it makes you a good son, but you're neglecting your own needs in life by taking such a drastic step. This is why most people hire help for aging parents instead of leaving their own lives completely. It's one thing to be there, it another to completely give up everything of your own in order to care for them. I would never, and I mean never want this for my own son. I'd rather die and I'm not joking.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm a guy and I'm interested in some feedback from the ladies on one of the issues mentioned. I'm the sole care taker of my elderly mother; I moved into their retirement home 12 years ago when Dad died; I sold my own house; I'm middle aged and in my own early, secure retirement. So: does all that constitute "..mommy & daddy.." issues?

Because I thought I'd walked away from those issues when I went to college at 18 years old. That I'm even asking this question now, tells me I'm not so sure anymore.

I think it makes you a good son, but you're neglecting your own needs in life by taking such a drastic step. This is why most people hire help for aging parents instead of leaving their own lives completely. It's one thing to be there, it another to completely give up everything of your own in order to care for them. I would never, and I mean never want this for my own son. I'd rather die and I'm not joking.

FGW has a point there. Well, family matters aren't always easy. What's for one family may not be the same for the other.. *shrugs* what do you want and how do you feel, CS? Do what is best for you and your mother. I should take my own advice.. I plan to.. but I realise when emotions come to play.. it's really not as easy said as can be done. Even if my mother told me she'd rather die than be some sort of a "burden" to me. How do I... but then there's that dilemma again.

So again.. CS, do what is best for you and your mother. It may or may not be easy for you, I don't know you well enough to say.. but I can kinda relate.. in a different sort of situation.

 

[Mike413]

I know I'm not boyfriend material unless some poor woman actually wants a guy with no job and no friends. LOL.

 

[constant stranger]

I'm a guy and I'm interested in some feedback from the ladies on one of the issues mentioned. I'm the sole care taker of my elderly mother; I moved into their retirement home 12 years ago when Dad died; I sold my own house; I'm middle aged and in my own early, secure retirement. So: does all that constitute "..mommy & daddy.." issues?

Because I thought I'd walked away from those issues when I went to college at 18 years old. That I'm even asking this question now, tells me I'm not so sure anymore.

I think it makes you a good son, but you're neglecting your own needs in life by taking such a drastic step. This is why most people hire help for aging parents instead of leaving their own lives completely. It's one thing to be there, it another to completely give up everything of your own in order to care for them. I would never, and I mean never want this for my own son. I'd rather die and I'm not joking.

FGW has a point there. Well, family matters aren't always easy. What's for one family may not be the same for the other.. *shrugs* what do you want and how do you feel, CS? Do what is best for you and your mother. I should take my own advice.. I plan to.. but I realise when emotions come to play.. it's really not as easy said as can be done. Even if my mother told me she'd rather die than be some sort of a "burden" to me. How do I... but then there's that dilemma again.

So again.. CS, do what is best for you and your mother. It may or may not be easy for you, I don't know you well enough to say.. but I can kinda relate.. in a different sort of situation.

Thanks for the feedback. It's appreciated. A few points to flesh out my story.....besides giving my word to Dad that I'd take care of Mom, there's also a bit of self interest on my part figuring in: in her will, I'm being given this house, everything in it, the 12 acres it sits on and the farm a few miles down the road. So I've got an interest in keeping this place and the two of us taken care of. Which I've now invested more than a decade of my life doing.

I know there are people struggling with the logistics of living who would gladly trade places with me....I do know I've had a bit of luck....too bad I never enjoyed living. I've got maybe 25 or 30 years left in this world. I'd prefer doing it more cheerfully than I have so far.

So, might I be boyfriend material? Asks the guy whose youth is gone.

 

[ForGrantedWife]

Having a home certainly helps, but as for living with a parent, most women tend to frown on that. But it is wonderful that you're keeping your word to your Father. But I'm not sure he meant "Give up your own life completely to live with Mom." I think that's taking it a level that he probably didn't intend. I doubt he'd want you to abstain from finding a mate in order to live up to an ideal set up in your own mind and not what he actually intended. Like I said, there are plenty of people who care for the elderly and are willing to stay overnight with them in order to have a job. This arrangement could have been just fine for her needs and allowed you to have a life of your own. In fact, it's not too late for that. You can hire someone to come in once a week so you could go out and try and meet someone. Someone could stay with her if she needs constant care overnight. You can have a life still, even under these circumstances. But if you do nothing you're probably not going to be anywhere but exactly where you are in exactly this shape which sounds a little unhappy and unhealthy. Am I right?

 

[constant stranger]

Having a home certainly helps, but as for living with a parent, most women tend to frown on that. But it is wonderful that you're keeping your word to your Father. But I'm not sure he meant "Give up your own life completely to live with Mom." I think that's taking it a level that he probably didn't intend. I doubt he'd want you to abstain from finding a mate in order to live up to an ideal set up in your own mind and not what he actually intended. Like I said, there are plenty of people who care for the elderly and are willing to stay overnight with them in order to have a job. This arrangement could have been just fine for her needs and allowed you to have a life of your own. In fact, it's not too late for that. You can hire someone to come in once a week so you could go out and try and meet someone. Someone could stay with her if she needs constant care overnight. You can have a life still, even under these circumstances. But if you do nothing you're probably not going to be anywhere but exactly where you are in exactly this shape which sounds a little unhappy and unhealthy. Am I right?

Yes, you are right.

And also, any options I choose to exercise will come with consequences; every action comes with a price to pay.

So I need to estimate the advantages and disadvantages of whatever decisions I pursue.

An important sub-text is to stress the notion of options. We, all of us, have options. Let's emphasize to ourselves that we're agents of control in our own lives.
Note that I say 'agents of control'.....not necessarily masters of our own fate......there are a few other influential forces out there. Bosses; spouses; the economy; our hormones; random chance.........

 

[EveWasFramed]

I'm a guy and I'm interested in some feedback from the ladies on one of the issues mentioned. I'm the sole care taker of my elderly mother; I moved into their retirement home 12 years ago when Dad died; I sold my own house; I'm middle aged and in my own early, secure retirement. So: does all that constitute "..mommy & daddy.." issues?

Because I thought I'd walked away from those issues when I went to college at 18 years old. That I'm even asking this question now, tells me I'm not so sure anymore.

There's nothing wrong with taking care of sick and/or elderly parents.
It's a lot easier to simply leave it to someone else (other family or nursing homes) but I feel if your parent(s) provided for you and treated you decent, you should be willing to return the favor. Granted - not at the expense of giving up your own life, but searching for a balance that meets everyone's needs - your own included. It can be difficult at times, but not impossible.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I know I'm not boyfriend material unless some poor woman actually wants a guy with no job and no friends. LOL.

Some women don't actually mind that..

There's nothing wrong with taking care of sick and/or elderly parents.
It's a lot easier to simply leave it to someone else (other family or nursing homes) but I feel if your parent(s) provided for you and treated you decent, you should be willing to return the favor. Granted - not at the expense of giving up your own life, but searching for a balance that meets everyone's needs - your own included. It can be difficult at times, but not impossible.

Yes.. this. Well said.

 

[Mike413]

[Some women don't actually mind that..]


My mom's boyfriend has no friends. He's in his seventies and doesn't work but he's retired.

 

[Batman55]

maybe half the list is enough?

Yesterday I didn't fulfill half the list. Today, I think I made it.

So.. give me a call, then.

That's a nice and brazen approach isn't it? So it shows I have confidence, and I know you like that.

 

[MTrip]

since I am not 'boyfriend material' - I have no idea.

You could be boyfriend material to some woman out there.

One can't really say what is the most common trait of "boyfriend material". It's just all so .. subjective.

Which means that it's hopeless if a man doesn't already have what it takes.

---

Whatever "boyfriend material" is, I am not it. I have a bit more intellect than most, am creative most of the time, & can be a great listener when I want to. But with the whole mid-life crisis thing going on, what used to be my goals are now in question, & health problems make for someone difficult to live with, to say the least. I am not obese but do have love handles...not the Fabio physique with the nine-inch jackhandle that attracts the females. Evolution & genetics can be a *****.

I can relate to constant stranger's position &, frankly, you need to get out & live your own life, sir. I looked after my father for the last two years of his life. It was the right thing for him but not for me. It cost me plenty, in time, sweat, sanity, & missed opportunities. Those years will never come back. My mother is old, sick, & crazy, & we do not talk to each other. I kicked her to the curb twice & have no regrets. There comes a point in your life when you need to stop being the good son & start living in whatever way satisfies you, within reason. I served my time. Now it's all about priorities: Health first, then live as a creator (& sometime-amateur scholar--I love to read).

 

[ForGrantedWife]

There's nothing wrong with taking care of sick and/or elderly parents.
It's a lot easier to simply leave it to someone else (other family or nursing homes) but I feel if your parent(s) provided for you and treated you decent, you should be willing to return the favor. Granted - not at the expense of giving up your own life, but searching for a balance that meets everyone's needs - your own included. It can be difficult at times, but not impossible.

No I wasn't suggesting sending her to a home, yikes. My Mom used to stay with an elderly couple a few nights a week while their daughter did her own thing. The time was split between the daughter and my Mom watching them for her a few nights a week. In essence, she "elderly-sat" 3 nights a week so the daughter could go out, and then they switched off. The elderly couple never had to leave their comfortable home and always had constant care. And half of the time was with their own daughter, but she had some respite by hiring someone else to sit with them part of the week so she could do her own thing. This is what I'm suggesting he does, not ditch her off completely while he has a good time somewhere else

 

[nerdygirl]

Boyfriend material can be so many things to so many people, but I think that these are probably a good place to start:

• Good moral compass
• Self-maintenance (hygiene, grooming, reasonable physical and mental condition/ health)
• Willingness and ability to listen (hearing means nothing, listening is a skill)
• Source of income (not saying you need to be wealthy, but you should have a means of taking care of yourself)
• No addictions, gambling problems, etc
• Willingness and ability to demonstrate sincere affection for your significant other
• Willingness and ability to obtain the above mentioned things, if any are lacking

Personally, I think that these are more than the traits that qualify one as, "boyfriend material". They're kind of the basic things most people in okay mental health should want to be/have.

 

[EveWasFramed]

There's nothing wrong with taking care of sick and/or elderly parents.
It's a lot easier to simply leave it to someone else (other family or nursing homes) but I feel if your parent(s) provided for you and treated you decent, you should be willing to return the favor. Granted - not at the expense of giving up your own life, but searching for a balance that meets everyone's needs - your own included. It can be difficult at times, but not impossible.

No I wasn't suggesting sending her to a home, yikes. My Mom used to stay with an elderly couple a few nights a week while their daughter did her own thing. The time was split between the daughter and my Mom watching them for her a few nights a week. In essence, she "elderly-sat" 3 nights a week so the daughter could go out, and then they switched off. The elderly couple never had to leave their comfortable home and always had constant care. And half of the time was with their own daughter, but she had some respite by hiring someone else to sit with them part of the week so she could do her own thing. This is what I'm suggesting he does, not ditch her off completely while he has a good time somewhere else

LOL...I wasn't suggesting you suggested it.
I was actually talking about my own struggles with my sick and aging parent. As your example above indicates (and as I mentioned also) it's all about managing to find balance.

 

[ardour]

boyfriend material... I can only give my humble opinion

physically: decent personal hygiene, teeth, hair (there are products for dandruff), change clothes and socks, own more than one pair of shoes, not to talk about "personal" hygiene, when that is missing it is such a turnoff. Nothing obsessive, but some people never were taught how to shower (I met one, yuck!). I guess that depends either, but unless one is Mel Gibson (young), some personal hygiene is a plus.

Some grooming, so that it is clear that one made a little bit of effort to look better, not too much, the style depends totally on personal tastes so I can't suggest anything there, it can go from Ghetto style to new bohemian hipster (I tend to prefer the hipster, but that's personal).


Mentally: a guy with some honest values, self esteem and self determination, open and ready to confrontation and to working on issues, not a doormat but not a bully either, easy to spend time with conversation wise, helpful, some decent (very relative) communication skills or at least a honest will to improve, a good example is Dexter from the TV series (except for the serial killer part, it is really funny to see the effort he puts in trying to understand his wife's feelings, as he has hardly any feelings of his own, and she loves him more for that), he doesn't need 100% to have a good job or even to have a job, but he needs to be clear about what he wants to be in life and working in that direction, and proud to be independent. No drugs or major mental problems, must be over mummy and daddy issues (more or less), a bit in touch with his emotions is a plus, I guess.

After all, it all depends on the click, some guys are ******** and have lots of women who want them as boyfriends, maybe it's their ferhomones or something. And if you have nothing in common with a girl, that also doesn't help.

But yeah, any guy who has somehow his honeysuckle together can be boyfriend material.

Well, if anyone can give me the address of a guy like I described, single, between 30 and 45, give me a call...

I have good personal hygiene, and I have a job. That's two thirds of the way there!

Are you really being honest, or are there a lot *more* requirements you're not letting us in on

 

[Peaches]

boyfriend material... I can only give my humble opinion

physically: decent personal hygiene, teeth, hair (there are products for dandruff), change clothes and socks, own more than one pair of shoes, not to talk about "personal" hygiene, when that is missing it is such a turnoff. Nothing obsessive, but some people never were taught how to shower (I met one, yuck!). I guess that depends either, but unless one is Mel Gibson (young), some personal hygiene is a plus.

Some grooming, so that it is clear that one made a little bit of effort to look better, not too much, the style depends totally on personal tastes so I can't suggest anything there, it can go from Ghetto style to new bohemian hipster (I tend to prefer the hipster, but that's personal).


Mentally: a guy with some honest values, self esteem and self determination, open and ready to confrontation and to working on issues, not a doormat but not a bully either, easy to spend time with conversation wise, helpful, some decent (very relative) communication skills or at least a honest will to improve, a good example is Dexter from the TV series (except for the serial killer part, it is really funny to see the effort he puts in trying to understand his wife's feelings, as he has hardly any feelings of his own, and she loves him more for that), he doesn't need 100% to have a good job or even to have a job, but he needs to be clear about what he wants to be in life and working in that direction, and proud to be independent. No drugs or major mental problems, must be over mummy and daddy issues (more or less), a bit in touch with his emotions is a plus, I guess.

After all, it all depends on the click, some guys are ******** and have lots of women who want them as boyfriends, maybe it's their ferhomones or something. And if you have nothing in common with a girl, that also doesn't help.

But yeah, any guy who has somehow his honeysuckle together can be boyfriend material.

Well, if anyone can give me the address of a guy like I described, single, between 30 and 45, give me a call...

I have good personal hygiene, and I have a job. That's two thirds of the way there!

Are you really being honest, or are there a lot *more* requirements you're not letting us in on

are you sane? are you kind and caring? THEN we can talk

 

[Batman55]

are you sane? are you kind and caring? THEN we can talk

Depends how you define sane.. I've got social anxiety and have trouble trusting people, and a lot of difficulty with criticism. And I also have routines I stick to in an inflexible way. I suppose if I led a more active life, I would have no choice but to be more flexible--but the fact is, I prefer routine.

Kind and caring, probably, depends though.

 

[Retrospective81]

This seems to be a term that gets thrown around a lot but never gets defined. "Oh he's nice, but he's not boyfriend material." I realize everyone is attracted to different things but I wonder what common things guys exhibit that are turn-offs. It would be helpful to recognize these traits in myself so I'll know what to improve on.

I here this ALOT and at 31 years old I'm still trying to comprehend (and failing!) what a woman means by this! haha. I think though, saying that, It is different from female to female and not one explanation or answer is going to be correct or universal for all as each woman is different. Sorry, I cant help here!

 

[1000lifetimes]

It's subjective, there is no be-all and end-all list of attributes that add up to "boyfriend material". It's the intangibles...the un-describables...one of those questions that can't simply be 'figured out' by knuckling down and white-boarding out an answer.

Part of me thinks that when you ask a girl "what do you like about him?" The correct answer is "I don't know...:shy: "

I've had women shoot me down, and a few months later hook up with a guy, then cheat on him with a worse scumbag than me a few months later. It's not supposed to make sense...perhaps over-thinking is a turn off.

Another part of me thinks that guys tend more to look for a reason to like you, while women tend to look for a reason not to like you. Nothing wrong with either way...just different approaches.

My advice is...don't be too quick to assume you have to be someone else to get women...just be a better you .